Torn

It always seems like when a business goes 'public' that all the finer details are gone..... Sorry bout that

Diet Coke & a,smoke or dozen. I wish you all the best.

running with scissors, You and I seem somehow bonded on many levels of or loss & current circumstance. getting over it,isn't applicable... Rebuilding small fragments of ourselves is what I believe we do. In efforts to strive on we try to rebuild,crumb by crumb and brick by brick.It's very hard for us the widow/er because with each crumb we attempt to rebuild with,we sadly have to accept that particular crumb/brick is a memory that's nolonger a shared memory,but a memory we cherish alone,personally this for me is what makes this a difficult process. For today every time I can, I'll recall these crumbs & bricks belong to the man I can and will be again. You'll not get over, you'll learn to appreciate the person you are and will be, because of who you loved ~ToRn

Well, I gotta ask aside from the obvious fact that the DGI is an abbreviation : Dumb Gentleman I know Psssssst what's it mean?? Its so simple for people to say the most ignorant things,and oddly I often think they mean to help. I try to not take it all so serious and realize they haven't experienced "my loss",so they have no clue what to say or do. Bless each of you,I'm hoping to have a little better day,then yesterday & I wish that for you all aswell.

RWS, please know you and I are in very similar circumstance with disrespect of the early twentie somethings and that you can always p.m. me,as I've got much to say on this issue aswell

I should point out, I'm at 1 year 6 months. Some how probably in anger,I failed to acknowledge my timeframe reguarding anger

Hiya Jen, I talked to her in attempts to "nip this in the bud". With respect undue to S.I.L, I always avoid making statments against him to my daughter. My daughter and I had a good relationship 'until' like a chisel he chipped away at her until she "learned what the issue is". I tried to understand 8 months ago when my daughter wanted to goto a thrift store,so knowing her mom would've taken her, I did. Well each and every time she brought up "what she did today" and it included her and I doing anything,well he was 'short' in conversation and acted mad,almost as if he was jealous.I don't understand his thoughts,but my daughter learned "this" causes him to be mad so she avoids doing whatever "this" is. So I told her, to me that's unhealthy but I don't want her to suffer to goto the thrift store,so I didn't offer as often,but if I did he's back to being a stuffy lil fella. So I've observed from a distance that even if she visits with his family and express's excitement ,he's mad. Well I can't fix these things in him and if I where her I'd acknowledge his issues and work them out,but it's not my place to point them out at all....ya know. Well I know from experience that I took her and the infant to the doctor the first few times,in hopes to help her warm up to the pediatrician and he questions why I needed to go. I'm fed up with it and if she accepts this from him,well what can I do ,ya know?? It feels wrong when I've always been a good helper with little ones and children,but it seems that there's always a issue with S.I.L. & I'll be damned if that lil dummy tries to hold something over my head/ against me. I can't imagine getting to bond with the lil baby & him get "mad" about that, because he has to invent a reason he's mad.Obviously ya can't say I'm mad because you and your dad played with the baby.. He's honestly damaged a bit from being raised without a dad or mom,these things I can't fix. These are the things I kinda feel like my daughter should see through and make her own call about... I've started trying to sleep from when he gets home until he leaves so I don't have to hear them yell at one another....please advise, I have no one to ask or to help me understand & I just want OUT at this point.. Thanks for your help in advance, ToRn

I've been feeling a excess void aswell,almost Luke I lost touch again,obviously I haven't. I've written it up to the excess stress around what used to be my home. It's definitely a tough set of circumstances for us all. So all I can do is wish each of you all some peace and enough good memories to not drown in but to simply reminisce in the little moment.

Sorry someone took the courage you had built up & weakened your spirit . I stay away from FB in order to 'try' and find my way,without others interfering. Happy Holidays

I remember the sound and honestly the effect of than soul tearing moan/scream. I was so glad I was alone at that time, definitely a odd uncontrolled sound and feeling.

Maureen.... Your comment & experience is so true, I also heard some not good things after my wife's passing. For me it screwed my grieving process I think, well I'll say I often wonder if I would have taken sudden loss different. I'm a year & 8 months into my grieving & want to say there's nothing good to come from the pursuit of this issue,except to make matters harder to understand for you hun. My heart goes out to you,because I also felt that dispare. I feel like I have to ask the motivation of this "friend" aside from a foolish attempt to downgrade you deceased BF, to possibly gain something from this effort,nothing good could come from this for you. Try your best to remember the good times, the rest isn't worth reliving...ToRn

Guaruj?, Thanks it's to bad this can't be worked out,but I believe for myself personally I'd be able to enjoy life a lil better without the S.I.L. .

Ya know, this us very true... Being people don't know what loosing a spouce is like, but compairing their midlife crisis divorce to true loss of life..well that's ignorant. Deep breaths my friend

Oh Jen... My feelings are so similar at 18 months. You made me laugh inside when you mentioned depression & meds and how long the "Jen" & depression has been a pair...haha You have mentioned the "lil girl" inside you crying and wanting to be lead out of the darkness. I think that's our JOY that's broken because of loosing the person closest to us, our spouse who through their love brought joy to our lives. I'm at 19 months and to many things go threw my head aswell. Hopefully we will all find moments of peace and remember our happiness, I'm to new to know when it'll get better. After a good fit of tears and hyperventilating, I take a lil piece of xanax try to catch my breath. There truly does seem to be a deadline for 'others' of a time when they feel we should just be over it. Screw them, the haven't worn you shoes sugar .

hank you all for being supportive, and helping validate things for me Inside. I've tried since my wife passed to attempt, several different approaches to become more than an acquaintance with the S.I.L. , well it was really amazing on Thanksgiving day. That day I was trying to keep my spirits up, doing my laundry.I did physical therapy for my cervical spine all things in an effort to keep from becoming a crying mess. Then, while taking the laundry I see the S.I.L. trying to remove a turkey leg from THEIR TURKEY & my daughter trying to talk faster & faster as she would when caught in trouble when she was a lil child and had done what she knows is wrong, well.......I was calm and went on . Well a month of thought and, I've thought about this enough, I can't believe the utter disrespect. Well, I guess there's a positive next thanksgiving I'll prepare myself thanksgiving dinner, I used to always make a lil holiday dinner for myself on Thanksgiving and Christmas after my mom passed away,because it helped me remember the good times. Many of the things I had to toughen up and learn when I lost my mom, are very much like loosing my wife.I never loved any two people in life more than those 2 women may they rest in peace and I simply find peace.

"They made a holiday dinner in YOUR home, but did NOT include you?!?!?!! They are trying to guilt you into getting rid of your and wife's dogs?!?!!!!!!!? They make you feel unwelcome in your very own home?! Absolutely Unacceptable, ungrateful, and disrespectful. " Yes,yes,yes......they did. It's really amazing to watch unfold, mind you it hurts deeply and is very alienating. It's a aweful situation honestly, but it is what it is & has caused me to despise him,and be disappointed in my daughter for not being more considerate. Oh and lastly, I have had to get food stamps because I'm disabled & it's my only way to eat, Well these dumbassed kids have lost my recertification paper (sharing mail) & made my source of food assistance be canceled, I have to go reapply ,which means another month before it's active Its all to much and it will be the only gift I get for Christmas & I'll put it kindly to my daughter with a date and explanation. I do love my daughter, but I can't allow my health to be damaged by their turmoil. The stress alone has a huge effect on me, I can hear their voice and get anxiety instantly (it used to be just him ) sadly now it's her aswell . Thank everyone of you, I appreciate you all's input & need it really bad. It's a tough situation to be in ~ToRn

running with scissors, Thank you so much!!!!!! I needed some form of validation. See I'm 'extra sensitive' because I lost my mother when I was 18 & my dad kicked me out of the house 3 months after my mom passed away, he had found a lady friend and couldn't tell me at that time, so I didnt want my daughter to go through the same experience. Well, I am forced to be selfish because my mom & dad's things are what I have left aside from memories,slowly these kids break/ruin things because the hold no significant value to them. Well I'm hoping they are shopping for a place to live,because my new year resolution is for them to move. I'm fed up & I can stand-up to the soninlaw but it will ruin any chance of helping my daughter in the future once she wisest up. This young man is stero-typical,I've met any like him insecure,jealous and abusive. I'm my heart of hearts,I believe he really feels 'repressed' because he can't 'control' my daughter like he needs to in order to fulfil his "short man ego", but I'll leave a open door for my daughter in the event he developed into the physically abusive person I believe he is. But that 'lil guy' he'll never be back....no ma'am never. Thanks again for your help R.W.S. , I'd hug your neck if I could reach ya

When my wife passed , my daughter in an effort to help , moved in & at that time I didn't argue. I'm disabled,obviously my wife helped me with any thi hs as all 20+ year spouse's do, and my daughter felt she could actually help me I.E. goto the store,cook, goto the store...etc. Thing is, I can do these things for myself, to my daughter's credit we where both in shock that we lost my wife,her mom. Thanks for your support

Hello everyone, "BACK TO THE DAUGHTER & (S.I.L.) ISSUES: The 27th of November was my wife's birthday,tough stuff at a 1.6 month since she's gone. Add to this my daughter brings up the dog issue again it's kinda like she has gotten past loosing her mom & on with 'life', it was amazingly easy for her. Ya know I don't want to get rid of these lil dogs i'm afraid it'll make my grieving worse because these dogs remind me of so much time spent with my wife & I'd play with them more often ,but I feel trapped in my own home . Steadily I try to make positive steps for myself to move forward & stay doing what I can do in life to keep my head up. This 22 year old couple fights a lot and it's obvious to me that the soninlaw,has anger issues & isn't coping well with the crying of a 1 month old, so obviously being young he " makes excuses " for his : attitude Slamming doors,being rude & distant to my daughter,jealousy (all signs of abusive person IMHO), but I say nothing. Well this has made my daughter lash out quit a bit recently & kinda has her convinced her "husband" is just mad because of the dogs. There's a ton of hast & what feels like hate between myself and them and I don't believe it's 2 lil yorkies causing this strife. I walked threw MY KITCHEN thanksgiving evening and realized this young couple where plating up their Thanksgiving dinner, that's my first time to not be invited to thanksgiving in my own home. See it's obvious to me at times that we are not a 'family' anymore,I hate I'm being separated from my daughter by circumstances but I'm stressed all the time with them being here,I swear if it wasn't for this son-in-law, things would be different. I feel trapped, I don't leave my room unless leaving home or to do my laundry at the other end of the house. These, holidays have been terrible for me emotionally. I'm unable to disingenuous between just missing my wife,best friend during the holidays. And How much of my personal grieving process is made worse by this young couple & inconsiderate things they do like: Cook holiday dinner & not even offer to have any with me. So in saying this, I want to say I have no relationship with the grandchild & avoid having one there's a reason. I can't handle any more loss in my life, I've lost my wife and all my 'friend's through time because of my illness (brain herniation), I've come to understand that friends simply don't know what to say regarding my illness. I realize that the lil puppies aren't the issue, the issue is that S.I.L and I simply don't get along at all. For a while I tried to let my daughter know, I'd like to get to know him,I gave that up a long time ago now. Can anyone offer any advice or opinion? I'm at a loss & have been needing the support of our group here, thanks to every member here who shares their experience it helps so much. ~ToRn sorry for typos,I have to make post from a mobile phone from the bed.

He's a over achiever & hasn't or can't place a value on 'school' yet. I agree he does sound to have a photographic memory & a built in common since. Ya know if its possible, consider getting him access to things outside of school that could add to his intelligence

I miss my Wife terribly, this us my 2nd Christmas without her Holidays will never be the same.

I agree the anger is unreal to me. With my daughter 22 & her 'husband' living in MY WIFE & MY HOME....well it's tough to say the least. I'm broken enough in the mind to be always MAD, I just get pushed a bit more than what's healthy. Seriously though, I catch myself & don't speak because, their very inconsiderate. Really tough not to speak the 100% truth,I'll be glad when they move out before there's a physical confrontation between him and I. Example: my wife's birthday was Thanksgiving.I walked threw my kitchen and watched this boy seperating Turkey with his hands, I don't eat ANYTHING they cook because he picks at food while it's being made.But I kinda thought it was interesting that in my own home, I wasn't offered thanksgiving dinner. Isn't that CRAZY? This is just another example of this boy's & my daughter's ignorance,or blatant disrespect. I honestly feel violent around him and it shouldn't be that way but it's the truth. My daughter & him have a infant 1 month old ....well I can't let myself bond with the grandchild ,because it's obvious to me I will not be in the child's life aslong as he is any part of the process, so I choose to not put myself in the position of having a child used as a bargaining chip to play on my emotions. I know I'm angry & alone (physically/ emotionally) in grief, but please someone tell me the above mentioned issues wouldn't ramp up your anger. I need opinions, so I don't question my sanity.

That's extremely F'ED up, who & or why did a person from 22 years ago end up invited? I'm at the point of why am I even thinking about Christmas/Holidays...blah,blah. All my family has passed on & I always went to my wife's parents, but that 'feels' like less of an option these days.

Yeah...Christmas. I've been trying to figure myself something to do AWAY FROM HOME. Reason being is that my son in law is a dumbass & my daughter is following the leader. I don't like my house since my wife passed,mostly because of the Son in law & my daughter living here. It's the 3rd wheel syndrome & I never really did well as a third wheel, I'd MUCH rather be alone. Because of physical pain, I can only travel so far but I've been mapping trips to a casino or something. I don't wanna be stuck here,with these 22 year old inconsiderate ass's. Thanksgiving was a simple way of testing things this year for me, I watched this young couple goto my late wife's relatives houses for Thanksgiving without me, it hurt enough that IM DONE with them,I'll not pretend any longer.

running with scissors, Your loss is enormous,just like everyone else's on this board. I'm a year and a half into my journey of loss. Obviously everyone is different,but me personally,I couldn't see a photo of my late wife daily it would be crushing to me. Take care Never apologize,this process is tough & very difficult.