Torn

Thanks for your help... It's a terrible spot to be in,my daughter & I love her but because of constant turmoil it makes our relationship non-productive. I suppose if her husband & her lived separate from me, I wouldn't know they went to my mother-in-law house. It's very odd feeling as if I divorced my wife,I didn't and would be with her now,so I can't understand the mother-in-law motivation to leave me out,I'd invite someone & imagine they wouldn't come,but to not invite well that's crude. My mother-in-law was always very rude to my wife and was never anything shy of rude and judgmental. I calmed her and explain to her "even though she's a bitch,she's still your mother" for 20 years,I kept my wife in contact with this monster of a woman. At the same time I think Why am I defending myself? She's not a relative anymore I guess, my wife died & I guess I have no tie to there family? Odd transition for me,it seems VERY natural to everyone else. I'm sick of this & have been waiting for my kid to move on,to naturally move on. She's mentioned it a few times normally in hate, but it seems they may soon & I feel odd about that,but I know in my heart its what's best for us all. Very tough spot, I don't read others making these transitions as groughly as I seem to, maybe no one mentions it. Being left out definitely breeds hate for me it makes me feel ALONE & I am alone but when I see my daughter goto Easter,Christmas....etc elsewhere it's painful and hammers in the fact. Also I feel I'm not doing good coping with my loss,partly because I'm still being depended on for a house.... It's like watching through the window of a jail cell....your alone and can see everyone else enjoying life. Well I hate this my wife would kick their butts for this,its cruel and obvious,I've no choice but to take it personally. Yes...I'm taking it personally & I'm upset crying because of missing my wife....its pure torment and I'll be glad when things let up. This soninlaw is going to truck drivers school for 1 month when he's done, we must all discuss housing arangments. I really am sad that my soninlaw doesn't like me on whatever 'level', but it's simply va fact. I've done this already at 18 years old... My momma died when I was 18 and my dad kicked me out if the house,so I lost my Mom & my Dad (he found a woman), years later my father and I reunited until his death. Well I feel I lost my wife and am loosing my daughter aswell,very unfair situation. Sad & mad.....it's tough,anyone else experience similar?? I can't compete with my Mother-in-law for the financial gifts & money she gives these kids, so I feel insignificant to my daughter,its awful. I hope I'm explaining this well. Sorry for the typos, I'm on mobile, thanks -------ToRn--------

Happy Easter to you all!!!!

In an attempt to understand myself during these times. Ok...hmmmm Well every holiday,I'm left to feel alienated by my daughter & my in-laws, its such a cold feeling,that I can't understand/describe very well,but for myself & maybe a few others who find themselves in these shoes,I'd like help grasping the unseen,if it's evident in my post but I'm simply to close to the trees. Well, my wife's mom, honestly NEVER had much to do with our daughter,admittedly she's a cold hearted lady who wasn't born with the nurturing bone that most mothers I've know have. After my wife passed, she quickly took the role of holiday coordinator where my daughter and soninlaw are considered. Simultaneously she left me to feel unwelcome,so she divided my daughter during the holiday. This leaves me alone during every holiday season, I despise this woman for many things but this is the current dilemma. I've been trying to understand this,on some level,while trying to understand she lost my wife her daughter aswell. I also realize my daughter is simply filling the void of loosing her mother,while also being opportunist and accepting any financial support she can from this grandma. How am I to "take this"? This causes me to feel despise for both of them,I hate that they're so nonchalant about leaving me out. Well this feeling is turmoil for me each holiday,it tends to amplify my anger,not my emotions... I'm really to the point that hell these things cause me EXTRA dismay during every holiday. Easter for instance never was huge with my wife and I aside from the Easter bunny stuff for my daughter and honestly I miss just that facet of the holiday , much less the honest fact I miss my Wife in every way I could..... To be separated from daughter by my wife's mother seems unnatural to say the least,it builds anger in me for them both. Obviously this isn't what families do,and I guess I'm seeing that I'm not family anymore. What's happening,is what happens during divorce not death. I dunno I hate this lil EXTRA loss I feel during each holiday & I : WANT OUT!!! I want away to not feel this way any longer , I want to learn to live without my wife and remember our good times. Maybe others experience this exact thing during their loss & I've simply not read a story similar to mine. Anyway it's disheartening & builds anger in me,which is unproductive. Thoughts, opinions??...ToRn

Very cool to read you feel the positive impact your late husband left with you. There's a world of wisdom shared between husband and wife,its sorta the fruit of the relationship,from careful pruning and caring for our relationship overtime. Positive thoughts go out to you,I've yet to feel those feelings,but I realize one day they'll come.

Carey, I only want to say 1 simple thing, your a great person to help while grieving yourself. Such a great support to your friend, very sweet & thoughtful.

For those of our members that are having issues with the bright white of the forum & need something to help,here is 1 option for Android:https://goo.gl/nn9Vw4 It's a screen filter that allows you to use the filter,like now while viewing & the ability to turn the brightness up and down to fit your needs.

An option for non rooted Android device usage, I've used it for light sensitivity for a year absolutely no worries. https://goo.gl/nn9Vw4

Isn't the term "Waxes & Waynes"? For myself it Comes in enormous waves & is really tough. Something I've yet to figure out a better way to "cope" during times when my physical pain exceeds normal pain (brain herniation), well it's a double edged sword for me to have incredutable physical pain & suddenly find myself emotionally demolished at the exact time...damaging to say the least. I've definitely been "trying" to counteract my thoughts of "all great" with "some issues", so I don't get caught up I'm it all. Definitely tough and I catch myself "trying" to decide tough things like: "maybe it's my wife's personal items triggering this sadness" & concidering getting rid of things....I'm not ready for that yet BTW. so I will take 5 minutes now and be happy I'm alive & haven't given up, I'll also take a moment to realize this is possibly the largest hurdle I may face in life. I'm definitely trying to ease forward,as slow as that may be I'm trying and once again I realize some people have taken their lives during grief & I've not concidered THAT. I guess easily put, I'm counting my baby steps forward and hoping to learn proper coping skills to deal with the times it overwhelms me. Thank you all

Thanks, I've only recently heard of the "meet-up" site and possibility. Sorry, I missed your reply,thanks again.

Hmmm... I imagine EVERY widow/widower turns hermit in some way. Anyhow... Google "Hang-Outs" this is video streaming conversations with video. I realize this isn't "Getting Out", however it's very possible it could enable you to stay sharp & honestly get you talking to someone you can see. I view this video chat idea to be a way to interact & build self-esteem & kinda thing in doing so ,it could take away some of the akward feeling that a in person group can have. Ultimately the idea is it's a way to video chat and could help fill the void until you feel a bit more like in person things like "meet-ups", I'm concidering this myself. Best to ya

SoVerySad, Like everyone here, my heart goes out to you as I reflect back on my wife & the little things that she and I did & experienced over 20+ years. At 4 in the morning,missing your spouse's simple presence in the room.... I apologize for seeing down, I just simply can relate.. Positive thoughts for you,hold tight.

Can someone please walk me through color/theme change, so I can read the forum? Sorry I can't seem to get to that setting again,since the update, thanks

Yeah.....lotsa pain..to much. So FUCK anyone who is so fucking stupid than to concider the impact of their words to a person in pain. Fuck any idiot who assumes ANYTHING concerning the loss if a spouce the person you've spent more than half your life with.. Fuck any person that feels they should try to change things inside my house within my 4 walls where my wife and I resided and I'm left here to reside and change as I can,when I fucking feel it's time. Fuck em all honestly,really I'm done

The new forum layout is a nice looking layout .. Question: Am I missing something,or is there a area I could find : "Latest post/activity", which always helped me navigation wise? Lastly, Are there options for changing the forum back to black, the stark white is really tough on the eyes,especially if anyone has light sensitivity (like me). Please don't take me Wrong the layout is pretty, I just wish I could solve those 2 issues. Any ideas/help?

Definitely in the future proof reading must be done...hahaha.. Everyone doesn't "get" Sausage Humour

Beautiful post and a firm confirmation of hope and the loving support of community. You stay blessed & I pray that all your scans remain clear & your able to recapture things in life we loose touch with when we are critically ill. Great story and thanks for sharing hope with others.

Off topic a bit, But how are you guys finding these groups ar all? When I first lost my wife, I looked and looked, there was nothing available here.my reason for bringing this up is there should be a "sticky thread" that helps guide newly widowed to these groups, search terms with examples & what to expect...etc. This could help many that come to "our site" to find friends and share. .Definitely worth the thought,any input??

Dammn......I barely found this post to say.... If quitting smoking is still on your mind consider e-cigs/vaping... I've dabbled with patches,gum & something else I've forgotten and am 16 days now from making the switch to vaping after 24 years of 2+ pack a day smoking. I felt sorta like the ecigs idea could help you out . Best to you in every manner...have a good day, ToRn

ArtLovingDad, I felt much the same..... That I'd not rember the good times,but only the bad, harder time from loosing my wife, we also where together 20+ years. It time you will remember the good times and the love you shared with your wife,more so than the bitter end, I believe that you will. I have & was happy to recall any good memory, please know the tough times will attack when your not expecting them to. Take care and know you have support here

I apologize to you all.... I'm still struggling emotionally like many of you all & it seems getting closer to the 2 year mark , that my loneliness has become more pronounced. I miss my Wife, I also miss my life so I sorta feel like the lines are easily blurred,why we find ourselves stricken with memories of how life once was. Tons of this all is : IN MY FACE, daily with the fact our daughter & husband & infant are here,which as I've mentioned before is a BAD SITUATION. So I kinda feel I'd 've farther along mentally with my loss,if I wasn't bombarded with these kids lack of, tact & compassion. Thank you all for helping me see the light,much appreciated.... ToRn

Is memory lane a street worth revisiting? I've thought about this allot recently. and kinda feel it's a waste of pain and emotions,not worth the energy. Reminiscing on the love my wife and I had & how possible it seems that I'll not feel that love again in my lifetime.... Well it's hard not to give up ,sorry it's true. How can I listen to music (from wife & my youth) ,without being taken to a place of emotion and loving dispaiir? How? Seeing photos of her crush me to bits. For a while I quit listening to music for this reason....it takes me to that place and well I can't stand it. The place of feeling love,only to realize that it's a feeling I used to share,now only I FEEL IT ALONE. ...just pain fills that spot in me at the moment and it hurts to remember,something that can never be again. What do you all do? How do you address the past without feeling like it's a torture session? Is this therapeutic for some,for me it feels like I'm emotionally experiencing death. I'm feeling lost recently and well like many widows/widowers before me, I feel I'll stay alone forever. Any ideas/opinion here? I'm really curious,is this something you all experience aswell and if so how do you cope? Do you avoid these memories? Embrace these memories? Is there a value to this dispare that I can't understand? It's important to me to post these questions,there's no one in my life left to ask these things... thanks for reading and sharing this forum with me.

I have a photo of my wife on my mantel above the fire place,that I'm going to move,because I feel so awful when I see her it destroys me... It's embarrassing to admit,but it's the truth,I remember her beautiful face in my mind,somehow seeing her in a photo HAMMERS IN that's she's gone & for now I like to think she lives through me,more so than she's gone. I need help in that area I imagine,but above is the Gods honest truth.

Tough spot to be in, I know aswell.. I lost my mom long ago & my wife was such comfort reminding me,how much my Mom would have loved seeing me now (then) during hard times. I honestly never thought about loosing my wife,much like I never thought loosing another human would have the impact that loosing my mom had on my mind/soul. Well my wife dieing,definitely TRUMPS ALL LOSS. Sorry, I rambled on to only say loosing your Mother & Husband puts you in a extremely difficult spot and I feel alone as you do aswell. Best to you stop smoking decision,for me at the moment smoking is the only pleasure I feel & I'll have to wait to quit.. Hopefully this day is brighter than the last

Yes, I'm sure many feel the same. I find myself starving for the comfort I once had aswell,hopefully we all will find that peace & love again..ToRn

I'm FREAKING LIVID also,I'm pissed to be alone,that half my life has vanished from me & that I find myself in such a screwed up situation. Raised a child & married her off,experienced empty nest syndrome,got past that , only to loose my wife. I've been trying to not loose my temper but dammit,it's very hard. 20 months & I hate this. Thanks for the thread