Jen

Sad today... just... sad. I was doing better-- felt as though I'd made some progress, but it's been a bad week. I'm so tired of sadness. I wish I could stop caring altogether... just be alone, accept alone, embrace alone. This sucks. ((((((HUGS))))))

I am so, so sorry. (((((HUGS)))))) For sweet Pru, peace be the journey... <3

Found this one. It's a bit tongue in cheek-- come on, it's Shrek-- but it pretty well sums up how I feel today. :-\ "Story of My Life": Lyrics: http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/shrekthemusical/storyofmylife.htm

He found me. He tracked me down with one of those online PI services. It took him 15 years to find me, but he did-- and when he did, he committed everything he had to us and our life together. Left his lifelong home to move to another state and be insta-Dad to three kids, all because he loved me, and had done since he was 11 years old. I was so lucky. Please may I never forget that, and may I never take someone's love for granted. If I'm alone for the rest of my life... I had that. He moved the stars to be with me. I miss him so much.

I turn off street lights when I drive by them. No kidding. It's the weirdest thing. I've been known to have computers randomly shut down when I sit down in front of them too. My mom can't wear a watch for more than a few days without the battery dying-- she had to get one of those kinetic ones. Bizarre. I like this response a lot, Sugarbell. I don't talk much about it-- I' m not sure what I think anymore-- but I lived in a haunted house for several years, and the incidences and phenomena we experienced were just too much to be random coincidences. We're pretty sure we identified our ghost-- our landlord's grandmother-- and we co-habitated quite peacefully, after establishing some rules. I know, I sound like a nutter. And I laugh at those ghost shows when I watch them. But I've had... things happen, and not just with Vivian (our ghost). I'm not prepared to dismiss them out of hand. Hugs, Rooshy. I agree with Sugarbell-- as long as you don't feel threatened, it's all good. It could be your dh, or it could be another source of benign energy. If it were me, I'd just talk to them-- but I'm a little odd. I spent last night talking to newly fledged angel-kitties... :-\

It was a rough night... my daughter took it especially hard. But the sun came up, and we're still here. Thank you all. ((((((HUGS))))) I found this pic of the girls with Onyx, their mother. I took it at the end of June. I can't believe they're gone-- just like that. My poor sweet girls. :'(

It got worse. So much worse. I went to get some flowers to plant on Peridot's grave-- petunias and a hosta, it's a shady spot-- and when I got back, I found Pigeon in a pool of blood at the end of the driveway. Both my little girls, in the same horrible day. WHY???! I buried her beside her sister, then went up to my room and screamed my lungs out. I haven't screamed like that in a year or more. I got myself together before the kids got home, but lost it completely when they did. We ended up sobbing and clutching each other in the backyard until we could barely breathe. My older son reacted exactly as I suspected: he cried, cursed, and immediately brought the remaining 6 cats into the house. They're all nervous, hiding under furniture and avoiding the dog, but hopefully everyone will calm down and get used to each other. I just can't believe this all really happened... it can't be real, can it? Who loses two cats to cars in one day? I don't understand. My poor kids don't understand. We're devastated. Thank you all for the hugs and kind thoughts. I can't believe how much this hurts tonight. :'(

I do love sauteed spinach-- haven't braved a green smoothie, although I have friends who swear by them. For some reason, I'm on a huge banana kick, so maybe when I get spinach for supper tonight-- you've inspired me -- I'll get an extra bag and give it a try.

I needed that giggle. Thank you. ((((Hugs)))))

(((((HUGS))))) I wish I had more...

As I was getting the kids off to school today, one of my neighbors approached me, carrying a limp little form in her arms. It was Peridot, one of our Siamese cats-- one of Jim's kitties. When we got married, my cat, Onyx, was pregnant, and on our first Mother's Day together, she littered in our bedroom. We couldn't stand to break up the family, so Picasso, Pigeon, and Peridot (plus Onyx) have been with us ever since. When we moved to the new house with my mom, we quickly found that we couldn't keep all of them inside anymore. My mom has four cats of her own, and eight cats plus five people and a dog-- it just didn't work. We have a little gazebo in the backyard, it's a perfect shelter for them, and they've been happy outdoor cats ever since. But you can't stop cats from wandering, even ones who have been spayed and kept close to their humans all their lives, and this morning Peri went out into the street. The wrong place at the wrong time-- some jerk came speeding around the curve (the 25 mph sign is right in front of our house!) and hit her. According to the neighbor, he didn't even slow down. My oldest was here, so she already knows, but the boys had already gotten on their buses. My older boy, who considers all the cats his special pets, will be devastated. I dread having to tell them when they get home. Jim adored his cats-- I used to come home and find him sitting on the couch with all of them (!) piled on top of him. I'd like to think Peri is snuggled up with him now, purring ferociously. We've lost a great deal more than one little cat, so this shouldn't be too much of a setback, but... it hurts today. If you can spare some gentle thoughts for my poor kids, I'd be grateful. hugs, Jen

Add me to the sexy list, then-- carnitas and homemade salsa, in my case. Now I'm watching Big Bang Theory, because ir makes me laugh hard enough to distract me from the tears that well up whenever it occurs to me how much I wish there was someone on the other end of the couch... hopefully rubbing my feet. Sigh.

YES!!!! Sorry to yell, but YES, this sums it up exactly!!! I hate this. I hate that I exist in this purgatory-- no past, no future, just this endless bleak now. I'm sure that's a terrible attitude, and I really am trying to modify it (affirmations, mindfulness), but this is where I am. As far as I can tell, it's where I'll always be. I recognize that that's not necessarily a rational perspective... change is the only constant in life, it's unlikely-- impossible?-- that in a year, five years, I'll be where I am today. But from where I'm sitting now, all I see is that straight, unbending, gray road, and I want to sit down right here and refuse to move another step. I'm so done. I don't want to do this anymore. Nine years... I can't even imagine. When I'm 9 years out, I'll be... 48 years old. That doesn't seem too old, objectively speaking, but the idea of me being 48 is unfathomable to me. The idea of being 48 and alone is... horrifying.

I may look into that. I used melatonin for awhile-- the 3 mg tabs, I'm pretty sure-- and at first they seemed to help, but it wasn't long before they just seemed to make it worse. I've used benadryl occasionally too, but that makes me feel hungover.. mostly I just lie there and stare at the ceiling. :-\

Oh, hugs, HUGS!!! My sweet husky, Cammie, had the same thing... bless his heart, he stayed positive to the very end. (Isn't it weird that you can tell when a dog is being positive?) He was the best dog ever, and I still miss him, 12 years later. I'm so sorry you and Pru are going through this. Good thoughts and strength to you both.

((((((INJO)))))) ((((((EVERYONE))))))) Still hoping for hope...

I've wondered about it... I handwrote a will in the early days after Jim died, so that if I went too (which I was desperately hoping to do), my family would know what I wanted done. It's still in my dresser drawer. I know I should get the real thing done, but I just keep putting it off. I wouldn't even know where to start with a lawyer.

As far as the other kind of dreams... those have all gone the way of the dodo. It's like I'm dead below the neck. I wish my brain would take the hint. :-\

A few nights ago (when I was actually sleeping, sigh), I had the first dream about Jim that I'd had in months. I was going to a wedding with his parents-- a cousin, someone I didn't know-- and Jim was there. He was wearing a green polo shirt, something he never owned in all the time I knew him (he didn't like collars). I was overjoyed to see him, but he kept his distance-- he wouldn't touch me. I asked, "Why did you go?" He answered, "I had to... I was already married, and I just couldn't live the lie anymore." I started to cry and said I didn't care if he had ten wives, it didn't matter, if he would just come back, please... But he said he couldn't, and turned and left. It was awful. I woke up absolutely crushed. I'd rather not dream at all, thanks.

This is me. I'm more or less okay in most areas of my life, but I'm absolutely exhausted with feeling. I don't want to do it anymore-- I don't want to feel anything. I'm tired of hurting-- there's this constant ache from which there simply is no relief. I would like to think a day will come when I'm better than just okay-- when I'm not lonely and sad, even when I'm occupied with something else. I don't know if or when that will happen, though. Hugs. I'm right there with y'all...

I think I'm more or less past the flashbacks-- knock wood-- but insomnia and I are old friends. :-\ Friends isn't the right word-- I hate it, I hate being awake at night, when there's nothing to do but think. The days are long enough, but on nights when I can't sleep, every single minute feels like an eternity. I envy people who can just lie down and fall asleep. My brain is usually like a hamster on crack and refuses to get off the stupid wheel.

Lol, Tricia, I'm almost through my tenth cup of ice today. I started chewing ice when I was pregnant with my youngest-- I think then it might have been real pica, but almost 10 (!) years later, it's just a really bad habit! I will say that I'd almost stopped, but had a resurgence in the last few months. When I had my physical in April, my H&H was a little low, and my doctor wanted me to take iron... I confess, I never bothered. Out of curiosity, I just checked my hematocrit-- our NICU has a centrifuge, so we can check the babies' crits without sending it to the lab. It was 37 (reference range is 36-48), so the very low end of "normal." Guess I should get some iron supplements. Hugs and thank you. I really am trying to do better with self-care, but it's easier to take the path of least resistance on some things. It may be that there's still part of me that thinks, Why bother? What do I want to prolong my life for? Why do I deserve to feel better, anyway? Bad attitude. I'm working on it. (((((More hugs))))))

I've thought a lot about this too-- maybe it's more complicated for me, or maybe I'm just a horrible mum. My name isn't the same as my kids'-- I divorced their dad and took Jim's name happily when we got married. My first marriage was a train wreck, and I was thrilled to be rid of his surname, even though I felt a little guilty-- it is my kids' name, after all, but I rarely use it. (When I yell at them, it's first and middle names only!) My current name is the one I used to doodle on my notebooks in junior high. <blush> It's the one I always wanted, and felt as though I'd won the cosmic lottery when I finally got it. For a long time I was adamant that I would never, never change it-- even if I was given the chance, which I doubt I will be, but whatever-- it is what it is. Now I've started to think that maybe... under the right circumstances... I don't know, maybe I would hyphenate? Without Jim here, it doesn't mean as much. My in-laws are kind, but I don't feel like I'm a member of their family. On the other hand... we tried to get pregnant, and were never able to have a baby together. In that sense-- and this might sound melodramatic, but it's what goes through my head-- his name is the only thing Jim gave me, so I feel obligated to keep it. I think whatever feels right to you is the right answer. (((Hugs)))

It both blows and sucks, which shouldn't even be possible. (((HUGS)))) Now then... ahem... Fuck every tactless twat who gushes at me, "You look GREAT, what's your diet secret???" I tell them they don't want to know, and still they press it. Fine. Step one: get a call telling you that your beloved spouse has basically dropped dead on the living room floor. Step two: stop eating for six months. Step three: gradually reintroduce food, but not food you particularly like, because nothing tastes great anymore, so you might as well eat chicken and bran flakes as anything else. Step four: walk. Walk endlessly, because your brain is so jacked up and your heart hurts so much that you can't sit still, you can't concentrate on movies or tv or books, so you walk because it's pretty much the only way to get from the alarm going off in the morning to the light being (finally!!) turned off at night. Sound good? I call it the Bereavement Diet, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Yeah, I've lost a chunk of weight and had to buy new clothes. I do not look "great." I look saggy, sad, and defeated, because-- guess what?-- I AM.

Same here-- this exact thought occurred to me. It had been nine months, I could have built and birthed a whole new person in that time, and what had I done instead? Given birth to a new me, maybe? I'd like to say that, but the truth was that the shock was wearing off and life seemed so, so bleak. The months leading up to the one year mark were... rough. The actual sadiversary was okay... good, almost, because I was at a bago and with people who understood. Then there was a severe crash after that... Ugh, I'm no help. I'm so sorry. I want to say hold on, it gets better, because I devoutly hope (when I *can* hope) that that's true. The truth is that, at 16+ months, I'm okay with most aspects of my life... I actually like myself more than I ever have in the past, I'm mildly impressed that I've made it this far and have some positive changes to show for it. But there's still this emptiness inside me that I just can't fill or relieve, and I'm starting to think that it will always be there. I'm lonely and sad, even when I have no reason to be, and I don't know when or if that will ever change. Apologies. I needed to vent, evidently. (((((HUGS)))) It'll get better for us. It has to.