Jen

I LOVE Mexican. But I'm good with whatever y'all want to do.

Last night I came home after two 15-hour days of hospital hell (work) and fell into bed. I went to sleep almost immediately, but I "fought alligators" all night, as my grandmother would say-- tossed and turned and dreamed terrible dreams. I can't remember all of them, but I woke up an anxious, unsettled mess. In one, my daughter and her girlfriend were dead, and my house was full of police wanting to interrogate me and take away all my daughter's things. I was begging them to let me keep her bedsheets because they were all I had that smelled like her. In another, Jim was alive, but ill, and staying with his parents. He wouldn't reply to my texts or phone calls. Finally his mother answered his cell phone and told me, "He's doing better, but he doesn't want to talk to you." I couldn't tell if he was really refusing to talk to me, or if she was keeping him away from me, and I was so angry and frustrated... At some point I knew I was dreaming-- I actually thought, This is not real, Jim is gone-- but I couldn't wake up. It was horrible. I was stressed and tired after two awful days, so I'm guessing that's where it all came from, but that doesn't make it any easier to swallow. Hoping it doesn't repeat tonight.

((((((((((BH2)))))))))))))

This is beautiful. Peace to you, sweetie.

((((((Fran)))))))

I can't add any wisdom, but I'm sending lots of hugs and support from here too. Wishing you peace tonight...

You won't forget. Profound love merits profound change, and so you are changed forever. Don't worry about the future; it will take care of itself. Right now, just breathe. Breathe. Drink water. Eat something-- it doesn't matter what, for now. Just hold tight to this: you're not alone, and the pain will lessen. You will never forget. So many hugs, sweetie.

So many hugs... I sometimes torture myself by going back and reading old emails. It burns like fire, but it's... cathartic, somehow. Jim loved me so very much, and we should've had so much longer together. I worry that I didn't love him as well as he deserved, but I think I loved him the best I could, and I still do. I always will. (((((AMY))))))

It IS Saturday, right? I had to double check, cos no one had bumped this... I was actually off today. Off tomorrow, too. Weird-- a whole weekend. I think I must have scheduled it on purpose because this is my birthday weekend, sort of-- my actual birthday isn't until Wed, but my family usually celebrates on the nearest weekend, so here I am. Except there hasn't been much celebrating-- my mom is on call, and when she's not occupied with work stuff, she's caught up in my pregnant sister's wedding planning. Whatever, it's fine. I went to Build A Bear today and got myself not one but TWO My Little Ponies! Ha! Now I'm watching the new Doctor Who episode with my daughter, and shopping online for cute PJs. Funny, that-- I never wore pajamas until I became a wid, and now I can't get enough of them. As addictions go, I guess ponies and PJs are relatively innocuous ones... So that's my exciting, sexy Saturday. Here's a piccie of my pony stuffies-- please ignore my messy room. (The middle two are the new ones.)

Oh, hugs, hugs, sweetie. Hugs and strength and peace...

(((((((HUGS)))))))))

Oh, yeah. Since becoming a wid, I've found out that that old chestnut is true: Opinions are like @$$holes, everyone has one... @@

HUGS. I can relate. :-\

Hugs. I'll be 41 on Wed, and a lot of the time I feel like I'm 80. (On the other hand, lately, I sometimes feel like I'm 16... wtf??) This wid thing sure messes with your concept of time, sigh... I always think of Douglas Adams: "Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so." Except maybe change "lunchtime" to "wid time... " ((((more hugs))))

He's beautiful!! Hugs and ear scritches!

My confession tonight is... I'm in a pretty good place right now. That may change tomorrow, and I know it, but in this particular moment... I'm at peace with my life. I think I could say that.. right now, anyway... I'm happy. And I feel a little guilty about it, like I don't deserve to be happy and still have a place to come for hugs and support and everything that this community gives me. Thank you all.

No great words tonight, just a thousand thousand tight (((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))).

Oh, Carol, so many (((((((HUGS))))))!!! I'm so sorry I'm late-- I've been preoccupied with school and work and haven't gotten in as much as I should. Happy Belated Anniversary... I keep typing and deleting, nothing I say seems right, but please know you're in my thoughts. Lots of love, sweetie!

I don't know how relevant this is to this thread, but I need to get this out, and I don't want to inflict yet another thread on y'all, so... I miss being somebody's person. I miss being held and kissed and cuddled. I miss random "I love you" texts. I miss annoyed "what do you want for supper" texts. I miss my husband. I miss love.

Ugh, adulting. I've had to adult all weekend at work, and I'll have to do it some more at home tomorrow and Tuesday. Have to pay bills, work out my new budget, do a ton of laundry... Bleah. I just want to lay on the couch like a slug and watch Mysteries at the Museum on the Travel Channel.

Chills here... :*)

Guy friend: yay. Guilt: boo. :-\ Missing them... sigh.

I am going to shout. Please forgive me, okay? YOU. ARE. NOT. A. LOSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahem. There. Your world ended. You are entitled to rebuild it as you see fit, to take as much time as you need and cope in any way that works. ^^^^^^ What she said!!!!!!! As far as coping methods go, there are worse ones... I suppose you could argue that there are better ones, but I like Maya Angelou's (probably butchered) quote about "when we know better, we do better." Or John Lennon: "whatever gets you through the night." And like most any activity, there are safer (and less-safe) ways to go about self-harm. I'm not speaking pro or con here, just saying that no one gets to tell anyone else how to wid, and when something else works better for you, sweetie, you will do it. (((((HUGS)))))

Oh, hon. ((((((((HUGS)))))))) I could have written the very same words. The panic, the pain in my chest, feeling so terribly lost and alone... I know it's too hard. It is too, too hard, and it is so freaking unfair. BUT-- you're not alone. I promise. That's not great news, I realize, but it's true. I am so very sorry you had to look for our little corner of the world, but deeply grateful that you found us. Right now, just breathe. Get from one breath to the next... one heartbeat to the next. You can do it. And you don't ever, ever have to do it by yourself. more hugs, Jen

I'm still at work. I'd just as soon be here, since there are four teenagers at my house tonight-- both my older kids have guests over-- plus the 10 year old and my getting-deafer-by-the-day mother. She's on strike-- she will tolerate the mass sleepover, but she refuses to entertain-- so when I get home I can scrounge for something for supper, then maybe I can make my excuses and head to bed. Oh, when will this mad, crazy, merry-go-round existence ever end??!?!???! @@