Jen

Hugs, hugs, hugs. I feel lighter just reading about it! I'm glad you're doing well.

I'll be 41 one month from today, and I am terrified that I will never have sex again. That no one will ever love me or want me or even notice me, ever ever again. I've never dated, I don't want to date, I want this whole freaking nightmare to end, but it won't. So I have a choice: resign myself to being alone for the rest of my life and trying to fill the void somehow, or... learning to be social and date. I have no clue what to do. I'm sitting here in tears just typing this, because both possibilities are so frightening to me. I'm afraid I'll never get what I want... I'm just as afraid that I will. That probably makes no sense. I wish there was another answer, but I can't find it, and I can't seem to stop caring.

(((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I thought this nearly constantly for months. Sometimes I still think it. Last night, for example, I wrote in my journal (for the 8 millionth time), "I'm done, I can't do this anymore, please can I just go now? Please??" I'm not saying this to scare you, but to let you know you are *so* not alone. ((((hugs)))) Me neither. I resent being forced to find out-- I was good with who I was, thanks much. I was happy being Jim's wife. No, things weren't perfect, either personally or in our marriage, but they were pretty darned good. On the bright side... if you won't punch me for saying that (not that I'd blame you)... I've discovered some things about me that are surprising, but... well, kinda cool. And I like me now. Maybe more than before, honestly. I went back to school when I was 4 months out. It was scary-- I didn't think my wid brain could retain anything long enough to get through a class. But I did it, I made it through a whole semester, and I'm still doing it. It helps that it gives you something completely unrelated to think about, I think. I get this. I so get it... I'm tearing up just thinking about it, actually. ((((more hugs))))) They will. I believe they will. It may take a little extra help and time, but the Xanax won't be permanent. When my SSRI was keeping me awake, I changed the time of day I took it. Is that a possibility? If not, maybe your doctor could try another med? My 2 cents, spend as you like: antidepressants can help, but they can't fix it. We still have to go through the grief. It's hard and it sucks donkeys, but you can do it, and you are not alone, I promise. Sigh. I want to tell you that you won't be... but I can't, since I'm still as broken and angry (and scared and sad and lonely and... ) as it's possible to be. All I can say is that it won't always be so... acute. I look at wids who are further out, and they're largely okay. Not great, time does NOT heal all wounds, but they're better. I think. I hope. Good news/bad news on this one, and it's the same news: you will. We do. A lot of the time we don't want to, but we do, because every one of us here is about a gazillion times stronger than we ever gave ourselves credit for. Just don't think you have to do it by yourself, because you don't. The road through hell is dark and frightening and downright miserable at times, but the company is excellent. Sometimes that's the one thing I hang onto. I still say it and write it in my journal: "THIS IS NOT MY LIFE!!!!!" It can't be. How can it be??? It does feel crazy and out of control and impossible to grasp. And I still say "I wish I were dead" quite regularly. I'm not suicidal-- been there, it's horrible-- but it would be just fine with me if a meteor fell on my on my way home from work. I guess that's a terrible attitude, but I can't help it. I'm working hard to find reasons to want to be here, but it's difficult. We'll get there. Just hold on. People keep telling me that, so I'm telling you: hold on. Oooohhhh yes. It took me awhile to learn to keep my mouth shut. When people asked how I was, I started saying, "Do you want the real answer, or the nice answer?" The nice answer was something like "I"m surviving, it's hard, but I'm okay." The real answer was "HOW DO YOU THINK I'M DOING MY HUSBAND DROPPED DEAD AND MY LIFE IS OVER AT 39 F******G YEARS OF AGE!!!!!!! I'M TERRIFIED OUT OF MY WITS!!!!!!!" Now I just say "I'm making it" and move on. The people who love you know you're not okay, but they love you anyway; no one else really matters. I wish I had a foolproof fix-- or that waving my magic wand would poof! it all away. All I can say is... the time passes. Eventually we start to realize that maybe, in some tiny way or another, we're beginning to heal. I don't know if recovery is possible, but there is... improvement. We just have to keep going. I'm sorry this is so freaking long, but you remind me so much of myself a year ago, I couldn't not post it. I'm so, so sorry you have to be here. So many hugs to you...

I was actually off today. I wanted to get on here and post the triumphant story of how I walked into a car dealership yesterday and bought a new (used) vehicle all by myself-- first time in my life, like a real grown-up. It's a beauty, and I'm proud of it, but tonight I'm so lonely and sad that I'm sitting in my room sobbing my heart out. :'( No one wants me. No one ever will. Bring an independent adult sucks. Super sexy, right? Self-pity is always irresistible.

Make that three for hating this shit. I wish I could turn my damned brain off. Or else I wish... no, better not, that's pretty X-rated, even for this thread. Lol.

I hear you too. I only moved across town, but I still feel lost and lonely most days. All my friends live in the computer, I don't socialize in "real life," and my coworkers mostly fill that niche for me-- we work 12-hour shifts, so we actually spend more conscious/awake time with each other than we do with our families. But they're mostly married and have younger kids than mine-- you know, they're "normal." Like I used to be, sigh. : They've been nothing but kind and supportive, but their lives have all gone on, and though mine has as well... not in the same way, you know? I'm babbling; it's late and I'm tired. I don't really have any good ideas for you, but I do understand lonely. I don't make friends easily, I have social anxiety issues, and when I do make an effort to interact with "real" people (not that you're not real, but you get what I mean?), I feel clumsy and stupid. (((((HUGS))))))) It will get better. It has to, right? For all of us? Just hold on...

((((Hugs)))) Your munchkin is adorable!!! I'm glad things are going better for you. Good to see you!

I hope it went well for you! Hugs!

(((((Fern)))))) I so hope you find it. Surely it will appear... my favorite teacher used to swear by calling on St Anthony. It can't hurt... more hugs, jen

Anne, this is redundant, but I just want to tell you again that I'm so, so sorry you had to look for us-- and grateful you found us. Scream, rant, cry, talk, read-- whatever you need. You're stronger than you know, but that's cold comfort right now. Drink some water. Breathe. We're here. ((((((((HUGS)))))))) Jen

(((((Anne))))) I am so, so sorry. It's not fair, you shouldn't be in this place... none of us should. The only tiny speck of light in this part of hell is the fact that you're not alone, I promise. I marked (not celebrated!) my first birthday without my dh a little less than 6 months after he died. In a month and 4 days I'll be marking (not celebrating!) the second. Last year I made sure to be off that day; this year, for the first time ever, I've scheduled myself to work. All the days are hard, but the special occasions... they seem especially challenging. Hold on, okay? Breathe. We'll all get through... lots of hugs, Jen PS I love your screen name. I grew up in CO, and I adore aspens.

(((((((((((MS)))))))))))) Heart breaking for you tonight... I lost two furbabies this week, I'd like to think they're romping and snuggling their daddy over the Rainbow Bridge. So many hugs, sweetie... I am so, so sorry.

I'm still at work-- 3 more hours, then I get to go home to 5 kids: my three, plus two sleepover guests. I better grab a couple of pizzas on the way. My mom, clever lady that she is, arranged to go out to see a play with my sister tonight, so it'll just be me and the hordes. O the joy.

(((((((HUGS))))))))

Totally, completely agree!! People should be breaking our doors down! How can we market ourselves to show off all the perks of getting one of us? We know what real love is, we will go the extra mile to cultivate it, and we will never take it for granted!

Thank you for this. Ten years... I can't even imagine. You give me some hope that it's doable. (((((HUGS))))

(((((HUGS)))))) I have no advice, but my opinion is that there are no rules for this sort of thing. No one can tell you how to wid! And I hope 40+ isn't old... I'll be 41 in 5 weeks. Given the life expectancy for women in my family, I can conservatively expect 40, 50, even 60 more years of continued existence on this planet, and I know for a fact that I DO NOT WANT TO DO IT ALONE. Indelicate? Maybe, but psychologists agree that love, sex, and companionship are basic human needs. (Look here-- Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Maslow%27s_Hierarchy_of_Needs.svg ) I'm happy for you. I understand the confusion... if I love someone else, does that mean I don't love my husband anymore? (Nope.) If I think about a life with someone else, am I forgetting the one I had with Jim? (No way.) If, at X months, I'm head over heels smitten with somebody, while someone else at X-3, or X+6, or Y months is still completely unable to even think of a life beyond widhood, does that mean I loved Jim less than they loved their spouse? (Hell no, that would be impossible.) I wish you joy, and love, and all good things. I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of (although I can totally understand where it would come from). Would your wife want you to be alone and miserable? I'm guessing not. More hugs!!

(((((((HUGE HUGS)))))))) Aww... now you made me cry. I'm right there with you as a crazy cat lady... even though we lost two this week, we still have six! As far as emotional eating-- done that my whole life. It was actually encouraged at my house. Celebrating? Eat. Trying to comfort yourself? Eat. I used to call it "giving myself a hug from the inside." And it worked. For a long time, it worked. Until it didn't work anymore. I don't know what changed, it just ceased to be a thing. I'm not patting myself on the back for that, and I sure as hell don't look cross-eyed at anyone for whom it does work. Whatever gets you through the night, you know? To be honest, I sort of miss the days when a brownie (or a pan of them) could fix what was wrong with me. I do think that reading up on the Health at Every Size approach (HAES) helped me get past my weight-related self-hate. (I still have lingering self-hate, but it's not because of my weight.) Even though it's never been the sort that Hollywood would approve, my body has done everything I've ever asked of it. It's ridden horses and climbed mountains and carried three ginormous babies (one 9 1/2 pounder, two 10 1/2 pounders!). It's recovered from major surgery twice, and still allowed me a beautiful homebirth with number three. It's been all over the world, and it's given me some truly spectacular pleasures along the way. I have to give it some credit-- it's taken all the abuse I've dished out, and it's still ticking. Yay me. I know Jim wanted me to be happy. Then he died, which put a serious crimp in my ability to ever find happiness again! I'd like to think it's possible... but I think a lot of extraordinary circumstances would have to coincide for it to happen. Then again, that pretty well describes most relationships, doesn't it? I don't have the first clue about how to meet people, other than the online option. I'm not going to go hang out at bars either! I wish Mr Right would just ring the freaking doorbell, already! But clearly, that's not going to happen. So... I don't know. Maybe I'll get brave one of these days. I've never had to actively look for anyone either-- I've loved precisely three men in my life, and each one of them sort of... fell into my lap. I'm not optimistic that the fourth time is the charm, but who knows? ((((((more hugs))))))) As I said, I'm much more positive about your odds. I'm rooting for you. And you're gorgeous. <3

Trust me... this is the only thing that's getting me through. Not that I would wish a minute of this misery on anyone else, but... it helps to know I'm not the only person dealing with it. So many hugs to you...

I'm glad to hear things are looking up, even just a little. We keep moving forward, whether it's by miles or inches. ((((HUGS))))

I'm almost done with my current session-- I'm working on my BS in nursing, and BS is what it is, let me tell you... : I've got two more classes and my capstone project, then I'm done. I could finish by December, if I wanted to pay for it-- my tuition assistance from work only goes so far, and I'd have to pay out of pocket for 5 credit hours. Not happening, unless I win the lottery, so I'll probably finish in the spring. It's not hard, it's just busy work, and I'm not doing it because I particularly want to... it's just the trend in my field, and it will make it easier for me to relocate when I'm ready to go. So it's fine and I'll do it, but I'll be glad to be done. Full disclosure: I have a whole bunch of degrees from my previous life, when I was a bioanthropologist. The alphabet soup behind my name is ridiculous, and I don't even use them. I just resent having to get another bachelor's. Grr.

More hugs from here. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. It probably doesn't help much, but... this too shall pass. Hang in there.

((((((((AMY))))))))) I have these same worries... on top of that, I beat myself up because I feel guilty for having them! I mean, why should I be worried about finding someone else? I have kids to take care of, a home, a job... plenty to deal with. I don't need anyone or anything. Why am I even thinking about it?? Because I'm lonely. Because I have a metric ton of love to give, and I work better as half of a pair. Because I need someone to love me who doesn't have to, if that makes sense. I've been a big girl my whole life. I chucked the dieting mentality years ago-- read Geneen Roth and Overcoming Overeating and spent a lot of time trying to like me for who I am. My xh undermined me terribly; when we got divorced, I was completely convinced that I was the ugliest, neediest, most pathetic excuse for a human alive-- total waste of oxygen. Jim undid so much of that damage-- he adored me, told me endlessly that I was beautiful and sexy... and I even started to believe him. I gained so much self-confidence in the years we were together-- and then he died. :-\ I lost a lot of weight after that, mainly because I quit eating and started walking a lot. Not because I was concerned for my health, but because I couldn't sit still-- couldn't read a book or watch a TV show, couldn't make my brain shut up, and it got me through the hours when I had to be conscious. Now I'm the smallest I've been since college-- and that's not particularly small, btw, but it is for me-- and for the first time in my life, I look in the mirror and like what I see. I've always hated buying clothes, but lately I've started to enjoy shopping for myself-- I've bought pretty things (not just Lane Bryant!) and darn it, I look cute as hell some days. But it doesn't matter, because I still don't believe anyone will ever want me. It's so unfair... it seems like a such a shame, because the relatively healthy part of me thinks I have so much to offer someone. I'm smart, kind, and unfailingly loyal. But who would look twice at a forty-something wid with three kids? I honestly don't know what to do. I'm not going to sign up on match or eharmony... I'm too scared of people to feel comfortable with that. Basically, unless fate intervenes, I'm screwed-- or rather, I'm not, and never will be, because I don't believe in fate anymore. Mostly I just believe I'll be alone and celibate for 40 years. I wish I could learn to be okay with that. As hard as it is for me to believe there could be anyone out there for me, I have no trouble at all envisioning you with a wonderful new guy. You're one of the sweetest people I know, I'm positive that shines through. I know how low self-esteem and lack of confidence can smack you down... I wish I had a fix. Just know I'm pulling for you, and I'm positive it will happen for you. ((((Hugs)))) Sorry this is so long, thanks for letting me vent.

Me too. Oh, me too. Just stupid little things, but I'm weary of being where the buck stops. I take care of everyone, but no one takes care of me. I hate it.