Jen

(((((HUGS)))))) ... a few sniffles, sigh... :-\

I'm sad. No reason, no trigger, just... lonely and sad and tired of this stupid life. It's not all that bad-- I've got good things going on, and most of the time when someone asks me how I am, my answer is "Pretty well, actually!" I have plenty to be grateful for, and I do try hard to be mindful of that. I'm fine, really. I'm fine. But... Same old but. No one is looking for me. I'm okay, but I'm tearing up. Why? No clue. No reason. Just the same lousy reality. I'm so tired of grief. I'm tired of feeling alone-- knowing I'm not, not really, but that I still am-- does that make sense? Please don't get me wrong. I have support; I'm loved; I'm so grateful for it. There's any number of people I can go to for reassurance and hugs. It's just that... no one comes looking for me, and I don't guess they ever will. Probably you should disregard this and find a happier thread to visit. There's no reason for this pity party, and I'm the only invitee-- but thank you for letting me whinge.

Nope. Just all kinds of nope. I don't want to do it anymore, I'm sick of it, I'm done. You have every right to complain-- we got handed a big ol' pile of unmitigated crap, and it's not fair in the least. Somehow, we keep going. I've only made it this far because y'all make me realize I'm not alone. I'll be honest, I'm not always thankful for that-- if I were alone, I could stop, I could lay down and die. But I keep getting dragged forward... and mostly, I love you all for it. Mostly. Lots and lots of hugs. I think the advice we give the newly widowed still applies to us: Breathe. Just breathe. We're here.

Our big performing arts center is being remodeled right now, catwalk to orchestra pit, and they just announced that when it opens next year, Phantom is coming here! My daughter *loves* it, and I haven't seen it since 1990 (!), so I think we'll have to get tickets too. She'll be 16 in December, we'll just call it a late birthday present. I need to take my mother, too... she took me to see it back in the day, it's high time I returned the favor.

What, you don't want to fight traffic like a salmon trying to get upstream to spawn? We can be as flexible as needed-- Sunday is wide open, we just have to figure out how to get from Point A (Secaucus Junction) to Point B(ago). As soon as we decide where Point B is, we can marshal the troops (whoever wants to meet at the station) and go from there.

Tearing up too easily tonight... lots of hugs to you, and to everyone!!

(((((((((((®))))))))))))))) So, so happy to see you!! You made me tear up, but it's worth it to have you here with me again. I miss you and think of you every day. We're going to surf this wave right up to the shore, then throw a great big beach party. Maybe with green lollipops. Tons and tons of love!!

Oh, we will. Failure is not an option.

:*) So beautiful... (((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

I can't add anything to what's been said, just holding you close and crying with you. Breathe. Just breathe. We're here, we're listening, and we get it. So many hugs-- I am so, so sorry.

I am... but I guess that didn't need repeating. 8)

Great. You crack me up and break my heart in one post. Uncle Touchy? <shudder> She is proud. So proud. So am I. And, for the record, the dial on this radio never moves...

ABSO-FREAKING-LUTELY. Let's all be Legolas!!!!

You are absolutely right. So I changed it. ((((((HUGS))))))

I don't like to say Happy Anniversary... maybe Peaceful Anniversary? It's not fair, it's incredibly unfair, and I'm so, so sorry that our happy-ever-afters were cut short. It was supposed to be forever, damn it. And for them, it was... (((((HUGS)))))) to you today. Just want you to know that I'm mourning your love with you, and mine, and all of ours. <tears>

So, so happy for you both!! <3 <3

Congratulations!! So happy for you!!

I can't add anything but lots and lots of hugs...

That's what I did-- I was in a national park, and honestly, I have no idea what the policy is. So I found an isolated area and made sure there was nobody around. I only scattered a small amount, and it just took a few seconds.

Yay Jess!!!!!!!!

I. Am. Appalled!! ((((((Leslie))))))) I am so, so sorry. Your MIL should be publicly horsewhipped. How dare she??!?! You have NOTHING to be embarrassed about, sweetie. Nothing at all. (((((more hugs)))))

((((Hugs))))) Congrats!!!

((((Hugs))))) I'm sitting here at 17 months, and I'm just... surviving. Some days are better than others. I'm busy-- school and work and kids and now a play, and for the most part that's helping. I actually seem to have more positive outlook days than negative, which is *huge* for me (especially as I was just this side of suicidal not 6 months ago). I still have times where I get a good hard look at the abyss and I think I'll never be able to get out of it entirely, but for the most part, I'm... okay. The weird thing to me-- the thing that makes me wonder if there's something terribly wrong with me, actually, and it's a little hard for me to admit-- is that I don't really miss Jim. I mean, I do, of course I do! But I don't yearn for him the way I did. I feel like... he's here all the time, I don't have to miss him-- does that make sense? Or am I just a sociopath? :-[ Last weekend my mom and I took the kids to a theme park we'd only visited once before, 5 years ago, not long after Jim and I got married. I thought it would be hard and painful, but it was actually really fun. When I got on the first roller coaster, I had the acute sensation that he was right there with me. Now, he was not able to ride any of the coasters when we went, although he loved them-- he told me "You have to ride them for both of us." Last weekend it really felt as though we were riding together. :*) I don't know what to tell you. I'm not sure I can say my life has any great meaning now... I'm just doing my best to get through the days. I get lonely. I get sad. I miss having someone in my bed-- for more reasons than the obvious, lol. I'm still hoping for hope, as Lisa says, but at least it seems a little more attainable than it did. (((((MORE HUGS)))))

*watches a tumble weed roll down the hallway It's not like the boss has been around much to supervise lately... Most of your staff got bored and went to work at Starbucks (yep, plenty of those in hell!). Cinnamon Dolce Latte, anyone?

This is exactly what I'm working on. I've had some surprising results!! I hope you do as well.