Jen

I absolutely crave touch-- sometimes, almost unbearably so. That said, I haven't gotten a massage, or even a manicure, because I'm afraid of two things: one, I would break down right there in front of everybody (although massage therapists I've known say that happens fairly frequently, and it's not a big deal), and I would come to rely on it for a "fix." Better to learn to deal with the starvation, maybe? I don't know... I wish I could find some way to either remove the need or find someone to provide it consistently. Hugs from my kids and, occasionally, coworkers are great, but... :-\ I don't know if this helps at all, just my 2 cents. Hugs! (lol)

I swear, my serotonin must drop like a rock every day at 3 pm. I get so sad and lonely and pathetic... I need to stay the hell away from my phone, to keep me from sending pitiful "notice me hug me love me" texts to anyone. I love Bizarre Foods, but I started crushing on Andrew, so I quit watching it, lol. Sigh. ((((((HUGS))))))) and thank you for listening to me. I feel like such a loser these days.

Another inexplicably rough day... no reason, just hurting. I manage to keep it together well enough while I'm on the floor (I'm at work), but every time I go into the bathroom, I break down. I cry for two or three minutes, wash my face, and head back out. It's getting old. I'm so tired of this. All of it-- the loneliness, the uncertain future-- hell, what future? Everything is now. As far as I can tell, this is all it will ever be. And I feel like a heel, because, really, what have I got to complain about?? Lots of people are much worse off, so I should knock it off, suck it up, and get over myself.

Hugs, hugs, and more hugs... I am so, so sorry. I lost my Jim very suddenly as well-- it was like lightning out of a clear blue sky. I honestly don't know who made phone calls-- after I called my mother, it all got very foggy.

I'm not going to pretend I'm BAG, so I probably don't belong here, but lonely I understand. Too, too well. I am so lonely... it's not even that there's a lack of people in my life. I have plenty of support, plenty of hugs (virtual ones, anyway), and more love that I deserve. But still... I'm so, so lonely. At night, especially-- guess that's no surprise, alone in my room with Jim's ashes... no matter how well I've done all day, things seem to unravel when I climb into bed. I know it just... is what it is... but what it is still sucks.

That is weird...

Fuck all this shit. Fuck that fucking isn't in my fucking future. Fuck this empty bed. Fuck it all. :(

Yeah. It does suck. It really, really does. (((((((HUGS)))))))

I should've looked for Quantum Leap. Instead, I watched the first five minutes of Sleepless in Seattle, and now I'm in my room, sobbing and trying to see through tears to type. :'( Haven't seen that movie in 20 years, and I guess it'll be at least 20 more before I try again. And I thought I was doing pretty well...

Things are getting desperate. I was at the grocery store this afternoon, and I was seized by the insane desire to climb up on a table in the produce department and yell, "SOMEONE PLEASE JUST SHAG ME ALREADY!!!!!!!!!" Ugh. Ugh...

Awwww! I want to go to Ren Faire!

Jammies here too! Once again, I have a house full of teenagers-- why, why, why do they always want to come HERE??!?!? I've got chiles roasting in the oven and leftover birthday brownies in the fridge. Add Guy Fieri on the tube-- yay for Triple D-- and I have all the ingredients for a super-sexy Saturday. W00T! Siiiiigh. :

I get a double dose of insanity, courtesy of my hormones: at the midpoint, I get needy, weepy, lonely, and pathetic (not to mention horrifically-- well, that's a subject for the real sex thread), convinced that I will be unloved and unwanted and celibate (!!!) for the rest of my long, miserable life. Then, when AF shows up, I get walloped with grief and anger, I want to scream and rant and throw things. Fortunately, that seems to pass more quickly-- and I've been lucky; since I had my babies, the physical side has been more or less a non-issue. Chemical possession-- yes, that covers it nicely.

It's almost funny... lately I've been talking more and more about Jim, dropping his name in conversation ("Jim used to..." " When Jim and I... " etc), maybe to try to convince myself that those 5 years of my life ever happened. Otherwise I'd think the whole story was something I made up, St Elsewhere-style, to cope with the disaster that was my first marriage. Meanwhile, the world is moving on... I got a birthday card from his mother that said something like "Happy Birthday to a great friend!" ... ?? Friend? Really? And his dad posted a pic of Jim's brother's young kids on Facebook on Grandparents' Day, talking about "how long he and Mawmaw had waited to have grandkids..." Um. My kids have been around since 2009. My ILs claimed to consider them as much "theirs" as the bio grandkids. Guess they forgot that Jim considered them his children. :-\ In some ways it all seems so long ago (I'm a week shy of 18 months out). In other ways it seems like it all happened yesterday, like he just stepped out to go to the store and he'll be back any moment. But mostly... yes, it does feel like a dream.

I can't add anything that hasn't already been said, so I'm sending gobs of ((((hugs))))). Hold on, breathe.

Lisa, I am sad. You'll be missed. (((((hugs))))) Leslie, I want to go to Disneyland next year, so let's find a date and make it happen!! I don't know... sometime in the late spring, maybe?

Must be having a hormone spike... right now, I desperately want someone to jump me. :-\

I'm having an "I can't stand this life" day today. Probably it's good to get it over with-- tomorrow is my birthday, and one of my resolutions (it always made more sense to me to do it at my personal new year, rather than Jan 1) is to start the second third of my life (lol) positively. I can't change the circumstances that brought me to this point, but I can do my best to make the future I have bright, right? Anyway, that's for tomorrow. Today I've been crying, off and on. I miss Jim. I miss being someone's love. I'm tired of being alone at the end of the day. I'm tired of feeling invisible and... extraneous. I just want someone to hold me. I need to suck it up and get over this. It Is What It Is . I'm here, I'm fine, I'm loved. That should be enough. I wish it were enough. :-\

So many hugs back!! If I dreamed last night, I don't remember it... I spent a good portion of it wrestling with insomnia instead of alligators. :-\

That would be awesome. It's an 8-hour drive for me, but depending on time and circumstances...

I'm going to miss y'all by 12 days! Grrr.

Beautiful girl! Those eyes!!

Hugs and more hugs. I could've written most of it... the nights especially. Lately I've been doing all right during the day-- I actually have periods of more-than-okayness, when I'm basically, well, happy! But that vanishes when I turn out the light. I'm so weary of sleeping alone. It's not so much the sex I miss (though, yes, of course I miss it), but the presence of another breathing person beside me. Another heartbeat. Just that sense of being with someone... some nights, when I can't sleep and it all comes flooding back, I think the loneliness might actually do me in. :-\ The sun rises eventually, but... sigh.

The last couple of nights have been quiet. Cross fingers the trend will continue... I think I'd rather not dream at all than have a repeat of that experience!

Honestly, this is the only thing that's gotten me this far. ((((((HUGS)))))))