Kater

My husband had a heart attack late one Sunday night. He was in the hospital until he died, about 36 hours after the heart attack. For the longest time - probably 2 months - my first thoughts when I woke up were of the events over that time. Every day, I saw him in the hospital bed. I think it was my minds way of trying to process that he is gone. I saw it with my own eyes sort of thing. I stayed in bed those days until I just could not any longer without being late for work (not good as I teach at University). I don't have those same thoughts every morning any more (just past 3 months out now), but I still have lots of moments where I have to remind myself it's true. Work, for me, was helpful. It was the place I felt most "normal" because my husband was never there with me, so I didn't notice his absence nearly as much. I had an opportunity to tell all my "customers" (students) at once in my first class back, but it was very difficult, and I choked up a few times. Boy, how to freak out fifty 22 year olds at once! But after that I found everyone to either be very caring and understanding or to just avoid it,which was ok too. I completely understand not wanting to cry, but I don't know that anyone cares about that as much as we do. I think people will be understanding. If they care enough to ask about your baby, I would assume they will care enough to hear about your husband and will understand any tears. Well, at least that is my sincere hope for you. My only suggestion is to have a bit of a script ready. That way you can detach a bit and just recite what you prepared. That's what I did for all my classes. Take care.

I am so sorry for your loss. It will not seem real for a long time. I lost my husband about 3 months ago and just today was thinking that I don't think it has fully registered yet. These first couple weeks you will likely be in shock. Be kind to yourself. Do only the things that have to be done. Sleep, eat and drink water when you can. You will find lots of support and understanding here. I am 45, and none of my friends can remotely relate. I imagine you may find the same at your age. When you feel like nobody gets what you are going through, know all of us here do. Take care.

i started having panic attacks which is completely not me. A good friend who was with me when I was having one was stunned. She said of all people she knew, I was the last she would ever think would have an anxiety attack. The comment validated my complete surprise that this was happening to me. I did talk to my doctor about it mostly because I had planned a short trip and didn't want to be stuck on the airplane having a bad one. She gave me Adavan but not too many just to see if it helped. I rarely use it. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it seems to make it worse (which is why I hesitate to use it). Honestly, a glass of wine helps me more, but day drinking is somewhat frowned upon at my job 😳😄 I rarely take any pills for anything, but I think this is a time where if it's what gets you through, why not. My advice would be to talk to your doctor. oh, and I am with you on the empty grocery basket. Dinner many nights has been wine and potato chips, so the grocery list is usually a short one. I do tell my friends I am having lots of fruit and vegetables, so kinda being truthful, right? Take care. Lots of love and support in this community. Kate

Kenneth, I am so sorry for your loss. I am just short of 3 months out since I lost my husband, my best friend and soul mate, so not too much further ahead than you. Yes, the grocery store is awful. I go in with a very specific list, and get in and out as fast as possible. I think I have only been 3 times in 3 months so by no means have mastered that yet. I feel like I have just in the last week come out of "survival mode". So it takes time. Initially I was looking for places and times that would make me really sad. Maybe trying to rip the band aid off and let all the grief come pouring out at once. What I now know is that the grief will come every day to some degree. I once heard that grief is a like a suitcase that we leave at the foot of our bed each night to be picked up every morning and taken with us. Some days the suitcase is very heavy; others it is light. I have felt this to be true. Some days are starting to be tolerable. I was never suicidal, but definitely did not care if I lived or not (a very common feeling it seems). I think I am starting to get through that feeling too. Hang in there. Do whatever brings you comfort, no matter how crazy or weird it seems! I have a fairly extensive list of those things. And don't put any pressure on yourself to do more than needs to be done right now. A few people have started asking me about my husbands "stuff". I just laugh and say that I am in no way ready to deal with that and may not be for another year. I have found this discussion board and connecting with other wids to be very helpful too. Take care, Kate

I also just learned about meetup.com from visiting these and other boards. I went to my first meetup last Saturday. We just went for drinks to a quiet lounge where we could easily talk (I think there were about 9 or 10 of us). It was nice as we are all just getting to know each other, as the group is newish. However, future meetups are planned for dinner, bowling, comedy club outing, walks at a park, etc. I think it has grown a bit and so some "sub" meetups are planned for those that are single parenting (with kid friendly locations selected for those), etc. I like the idea of a weekend. For most of us, weekends are the hardest times of the week, so a Saturday night meet up is a nice way to break things up. Good luck and good for you for venturing out. It took some courage just to attend one, let alone organize one. I am sure those that participate will greatly appreciate your efforts. K.

Thank you for posting the link. I was reading about cortisol today. My reason is that I have turned to smoking (ugh, although only a couple a day, still ugh) to chill out at times. Smoking also has an effect on cortisol, so this article helped all those cravings make sense. It also reminds me that I must put an end to that behaviour and find another coping mechanism. Used to exercise a lot, which can lower cortisol. I just have not been able to drag my butt off to any class since my hubby died. I can cry in a yoga class on a good day. I would be a puddle on my mat if I attempted yoga now. Re: "complicated grief". I have had a few people ask if I was seeking counselling. That usually comes when I confide in someone that I am not suicidal but I really don't care if I live or not. I know from tons of comments on this and similar boards, that is a common feeling amongst those of us in this awful club. I have not yet hit 3 months. I feel like my grief is progressing, moving, changing. Some days better; some days no different - maybe even worse - than in those first few weeks. But I don't feel stuck. If ever I do, then I will think about counselling. I have never been one that liked to be told what to do, so I think counselling would piss me off more than help tight now. Again, it is from those people that think I should be over this by now and don't realize I am very much still in acute grief. I know it, and I know you all do too, which is the source of any sanity I maintain.

It's been 11 weeks today for me. I completely understand what you mean by "flat". I don't feel like I am in any different of a place today than I was, say, 9 weeks ago (the first 2 weeks were a complete abyss). I thought things were improving a bit but the last 3 days have been amongst my hardest for some reason. I can laugh at lots of things. I can still see humour. But no joy. I do have faith that this will work out. I just don't see it yet. Take care.