Kater

Thanks for the comments everyone. It is nice to have a place where I can just vent and know you all get it. Went for a coffee with a friend yesterday. We had such a great visit. Two of her sisters lost their husbands (in the same year) so she was very sympathetic and understanding. It was really nice and got me out of the funk I was in. I guess these are the grief waves I have heard about. Things are going along pretty well, then wham! Hello grief. Tatianakm - I love the idea of burying the cell phone and being able to send texts. The cool thing is that anyone can do it and nobody knows what was sent.

Alice, sorry for your loss and the circumstances of it. I have been reading a few books on grief lately. I have not yet found any words of wisdom in those books that haven't already been written somewhere on this site. I have found it very helpful to have a community of people that have gone through the same sort of loss. Sending you a hug. Kate

It's one of those days. Can't stop crying. All I want to do is curl up in his arms, cry my eyes out and hear him tell me everything is going to be OK. of course, if that was possible, it would not be needed. In hindsight, I probably should not have volunteered to get up at 5:30 (not enough sleep to withstand the trials of the day) to help with a community breakfast at the funeral home this morning. The funeral home he worked at. The place I planned his funeral AND the place my church uses for worship every Sunday. How is that for a trigger spot? Not sure it was the building as much as seeing everyone who was involved with his funeral and talking about him, how I am doing, etc etc. One of the funeral directors told me he has not been able to delete S's number from his phone. I told him it was alright because I still haven't cancelled it, so he could phone anytime.

It's true. So many assumptions are made. You don't notice it as much when you fall into line with it. Having spent the last 15 years dealing with the surprised reaction when it comes up that I don't have kids, I have been quite aware of these expected norms for some time.

SK - wow....so much of your post resonates. I also lost my love on December 29, 2015, making this the 7 month sadiversary for me too. Oddly, I came to the board tonight to post about how the last week has been a weird time for me and saw your post. I have had a few more cry sessions than usual, but it isn't even that. i think it is that, with each anniversary, there is a feeling that something should be different from the last. It's like putting a child up to a growth chart and marking the same spot as the last month, and the month before, etc. On paper, 7 months seems like a long time, but I am having a difficult time moving on in any real way. I don't feel that acute grief anymore, but I find any changes to my world are so odd and unwelcome. I went shopping a couple of weeks ago while out of town. As I was hanging things up, it struck me that he did not see me in those clothes and never will. How weird. I have changed very little in the house. As I posted elsewhere, I still very much to keep to "my side" of the bed, and don't see that changing anytime soon. I wonder if doing some of those things would help me to better accept that this really has happened and my life can never be the same. There are still so many moments that I simply can't believe he is gone. Forever. I do know that grief takes as long as it takes, but sometimes it makes it a bit more difficult, I think, when those around us don't get that. I was thinking today what it would be like if our outward appearance changed as much as our inner selves. People would not recognize us, and would understand just how changed we are. How awesome that your Bruce got to see the culmination of his dream in his life. I love that you defined the success of the business as you have - by the positive relationships he was able to develop from it. I am organizing a golf tournament in S's memory. It has reminded me just how well liked he was. Someone asked if that makes things easier. I said, yes and no. It mostly makes me think that he should still be here. For me, and for all these other people that are missing his presence in this world. Sending you a hug. I will now be thinking of you every 29th..... Kate

Sort of depends on how big it is, but generally, I Hire help. I didn't even try to mow the lawn this summer - hired it out. swimming in a pool, or in a lake?

Thanks Portside and Nuggets. I have had some of those same thoughts. I get that he isn't here and doesn't get a vote, and frankly his buddies are unlikely to care about any of it, if they even notice he is there. I just know it is so not what he would want and I can see the look of disgust on his face. I'm still pretty early in this journey and still want to honor what his wishes would be. My family has much the same perspectives as me for the same reasons, so I greatly appreciate the objective points of view that it isn't a big deal. My mom told me she was very proud of me for how I included his brother at the end. I thought it was a no-brainer, but appreciate the kind words. I knew the distance was because of LH, not the brother. I was a bit concerned about what I might have been getting myself into, but in fairness to him, he handled himself perfectly. He didn't try to insert himself into the funeral arrangements, or impose in any other way. I know he very much appreciated it. They had a tough childhood and LH was his big brother through it all regardless of the distance later in life. So I suppose he has proven himself. Now his wife on the other hand.....oy. Another story for another post. Kate

I'll try to keep this a readable length.... I did not know any of my husband's family. His dad was gone before we met and he didn't have a relationship with any of his remaining family during the 20 years we were together. I never met his mom before she passed, and still to this day have not met his sister. But now there is his brother.... I had met him a couple of times while LH was alive. They were brief encounters and happened about 18 years ago. Although he lived in the same city as us, LH did not have any contact with him. The reasons LH gave me at the time was that his (younger) brother was a "goof" and he did not like his wife. I later realized the real reason was probably more to do with a secret LH had been keeping from me that his brother would have known about (LH fessed up about it, and after that said he'd invite his brother over, although that never happened). Long and short of it - I didn't know his brother for whatever reason(s). Fast forward to LH's final days. There was about 36 hours between when LH had a heart attack and his passing. In that time, I thought I should reach out to his brother, and so I did. He and his family attended the funeral. He was really upset and I was glad that I had given him the opportunity to see his brother's body and to get some closure. All that was fine (other than a couple of really stupid things the wife did and said. It clarified to me why LH didn't care for her). In the seven months since LH has been gone, I have met with "brother" a few times. Our visits have been nice. He is nice and "normal" enough, but I can see the "goof" thing, and his wife can be OK but can also be brash and abrasive. I feel like he is trying a bit too hard with me - trying to be a brother and give me support - but I really don't need it from him. Honestly, I'm keeping the relationship going more for him than for me. I've had to create a bit of space with him, but it's OK. Nothing I can't handle. Also, I found out that over the years LH had had some conversations with his brother, had attended some of his nieces sporting events, etc. Not exactly sure why he kept all that from me, but whatever. But now today....I am organizing a golf tournament in LH's memory. I had coffee with one of LH's golf buddies today and the topic of the brother came up. He said he had no idea LH even had a brother. Most people (everyone?) were surprised by that fact when they met him at the funeral. I mentioned to his golf buddy that I was wondering if I should let brother know about the golf tournament, and the friend commented that he thought I probably should. Haven't talked to brother in over 3 weeks, but he phoned me today, and with some trepidation, I mention the tournament. He said he would be honored to be there and would see if his wife would also come. Now I'm doubting I should have mentioned it. I had posted it on Facebook and his wife is friends with me, so it wasn't exactly a secret. My hesitation is in the fact that nobody knew he had a brother. LH was very private, so it is not exactly a surprise that he didn't talk about him. (as an aside...my LH worked with a guy, Dan, for about 15 years. I asked him one day if Dan was married and LH didn't know. His response was "I guess not. He's never talked about a wife." Basically, if someone didn't talk about it, he wouldn't ask. That would be "prying" :) I know LH would be rolling over in his grave at the thought of all his buddies being exposed to his younger (ie. annoying) brother, and so I'm wondering if I've done the right thing. There is really nothing wrong with him. He is a bit of an "over sharer", so if he comes, I will need to make it clear to him that he does not need to share any details of his brother's childhood, etc. with these people. I guess in my mind, I am trying to take care of the living but still trying to honor the dead. I'm not sure I can do both in this case. How did I avoid any hint of in-law problems for 20 years and now they are surfacing???

So sorry you have a need to join us, but glad you found us. Like many others have said, this community was and continues to be tremendously helpful to me as I have journeyed through this loss. Ugh...I hated going to the grocery store. I would almost run from item to item to get out as quick as possible. I have found that while those moments still come, they come less often now. Sending you a hug. Kate

Taking it in. I am terrible for coming home from a holiday with few pictures. My husband also didn't like a lot of pictures. Everyone knew if we were overstaying our welcome all they needed to do was pull out their vacation photos. 😆 Fly to get there faster, or drive to take your time and see sights along the way?

i have a king size bed and have stayed on my side. I don't move around much when I sleep so am pretty much using only about a third of the bed (my 15 lb dog seems to enjoy and freely use the remaining two-thirds). Sucks to change sheets on such a big bed when so little has been used. I have changed little on his nightstand. I did not even update his clock when the time changed...still feels like it is his still. Just curious if you all are sticking to your side, or spreading out?

Ya, that's the double whammy most people don't get. The person that helped us through the rough patches is not here to help us get through the loss of that very person. Sending you a hug.

In the first few months, there were several mornings I got up to discover the front door had been unlocked all night. My mom started texting me to remind me to check the doors. I didn't fully realize how I just trotted off to bed while he would take the dogs out and lock up until he wasn't here to do it. I agree - not a big thing time or effort wise - but a big end of the day reminder of what we've lost.

So sorry it has hit your family again. Will hold you and your mom in my prayers.

Sandrine, I wish there were words to take even a little bit of the hurt away. Sending you hugs.

Shower I have a jetted jacuzzi tub. Used it once in 3 years only because I thought I should at least use it once. Beer or wine?

Just wanted to say thanks Taurus and Donna for your help with this. What you both helped me to realize was that my "organizing committee" was just me. I have reached out to a few of hubby's golf friends and got some great advice and help from them. Registration forms are being sent out, so I am committed now. Gulp. He marshalled at the golf course and worked in the club house last summer. I am confident all the marshals and staff will help me in some way and all will be fine. The first really nice thing already happened today. Just started to ask for some prizes. A friend reached out to someone that had met my husband a couple of times on the golf course. His response was "for S, anything". I was just looking for a few prizes and this guy brought up being a sponsor...not something I was looking for or expecting. It was a special reminder of how well liked he was. He was always a gentleman both on and off the course. He was super fun, super patient. Before I gave up golfing, I would hack around and he'd patiently wait for me. Never gave me or anyone advice on their game unless they asked (he was good too). Just really loved everything about the game. I think it will be a really special day and worth the work.

Thank you everyone. Boy, there is a lot of wisdom and compassion here TooSoon - yes, that's right. I teach at a University. You're also right about the summer. Funeral was January 8. Back to the classroom on January 11. So I did push a lot aside just to make it through the term, and some of the grieving and "stuff" is just happening now for sure. I do agree that there is tremendous value in just being (someone once reminded me that we are human "beings" not human "doings"). For me, a balance between enough time to think and too much is needed. I actually am doing more than came across in my post. There is a meetup group in my city. We get together every couple of weeks and the people there are awesome. I have a lot of friends - way more than I ever realized - for coffee, lunches, etc. I seemed to be doing more of that when I was in a rhythm of work and getting out of the house, although to be fair, I've been gone for a month so need to reach out again. And...I did decide to go ahead with a golf tournament in hubby's memory so that is going to keep me occupied whether I want it to or not :-\ TofinoMan - love your sense of adventure and just going for it. Maybe I'll get there one day. I'm an accountant (OK, well now a teacher of accounting, but still an accountant)....adventure is not something typically associated with those of my profession LOL. Too many calculations of risk to be done first Oh, and I think you have just as much wisdom as any of us. Donswife, Robunknown, Mizpah, Jen - always good to know others have felt all this before and are still moving through life. Thanks for the thoughts and comments. This is such a crazy journey. I am thankful for everyone in this community helping each other to navigate our ways through it. K.

It is the eve of the 6 month anniversary of the passing of my love, my best friend and partner in this life. A friend recently suggested that I try not to observe the anniversary every month. What he does not, and could not understand is there is an uncontrollable physical reaction that comes with the number “29” on the calendar. You all get that, I know. I follow a couple of other online communities, but one of the things I appreciate about this one is that there is some organization to the forums (of course, I also appreciate all of you and your very helpful comments and insights ;D). It has not escaped my notice that there is a different forum for 6 - 12 months. I understand this is not some dictated time at which things change, and I know it was never intended to be that. But it has caused me to pause and think a bit about where I am in my own time line -- to reflect on what has happened in the last 6 months, how things have changed in that time, and what do I think about the future now. 6 months ago today, I was in the hospital praying for a literal miracle. For a heart muscle to spontaneously repair itself. But just the day before that, I was sitting with my family, enjoying an evening cup of tea, discussing possible travel plans for the upcoming summer – all the things we used to do in our blissful ignorance of what was around the corner. On the 29th, the doctors recommended that we remove all supports. His other organs were failing and the prognosis was not good. We were just getting a few things in order, waiting for his brother to Facetime in, when he decided to go on his own. I often wonder if he knew what was about to happen and choose to take the burden from me. It was very much something he would do. After getting home from the hospital without him, my most immediate urge was to phone him to say “you’ll never believe what just happened”. It was heartbreaking to know I no longer had that someone to share the details of my day with. And so I decided I would write him a letter every day to tell him those things. I re-read a number of my entries from the “earlier” days (which is much like a 7 year old talking about when they were young...). About 3 or 4 weeks in, the tears were easing and I was concerned that I might be “over it” so soon. HA! What I would come to know was that it was just a break. A calm in the storm. A time to recharge the energy for the long journey ahead. A sprint, a rest, a marathon. I am thankful for those writings. I captured many memories that don’t spring to mind these days, and it is good to look back and see that yes, the grief has softened overall. But I feel like the next leg of this journey really is upon me. The last few days have been particularly difficult. I was away for nearly 4 weeks – a conference, a trip to NYC, and some time with my parents who have been incredibly supportive and helpful to me. Coming home was hard. I am off work for another 2 months and am not the most disciplined when there is no forced structure to my day. It’s late nights, late morning risings, poor eating habits, lack of motivation to do the few things that need to get done (although I did have a pretty productive day today, thank goodness). I have had crying fits the last few days more intense than ever. I have thought for quite a while that reality has sunk in – clearly there is a hole in my life - but I’m starting to see that there is a whole other level of “sinking in”. I don’t know how to describe it. I know he is not coming home. I know every one of my senses will be deprived of him for the rest of my days. But somehow it feels like I don’t really know it yet. Maybe it is that I have truly not let go of the idea of my old life. I don’t know. I wish I had the words to articulate this feeling. If any of you have them, please do share  As for the future….I’d say that so much has changed, but truthfully, everything has changed. I’ve often said that I also died on December 29. There is not one thing in my life that is not up for evaluation. I don’t have kids so don’t have that to anchor me in any way. In question is my house, the city I live in, the job I have….everything. The world is my oyster, I suppose, but I feel like I might drown before I collect it. I am committed to teaching this upcoming academic year, so won’t be making any big changes for sure before next spring/summer. Will see how things are at that point. I am thankful to those of you that are 2, 3, 4 years out that still post about your trials and tribulations. It allows me to give myself permission to chill out and take things as they come. I am pretty intuitive in knowing what is right and best for me but I am having a hard time being patient with this process. What I know for sure is this is NOT a one year thing. Half way through a year and feel like I am just getting started. Wishing everyone peace and love. Kate

My first job was 8 hours from my parents, so living at home was not an option for me as it isn't for many people. I don't think there is anything wrong with charging rent. It seems a part of real life to me. Perhaps you could ask him to prepare a budget of what it would cost him to live on his own or with a roommate. I think he would quickly realize $300 is rather a bargain! My parents charged my brother rent when he had to move home for a while. He resented it and thought they were horrible. But they had been socking it away, and when he did move out, they took him shopping, bought him a bed and a few other things to get his place furnished. He felt pretty sheepish about complaining about it.

My husband loved golf. You would have a hard time finding anyone that knew him that would not describe him as a golfer. He worked at a golf course from time to time and was so socially outgoing that so many people in golf circles knew and loved him. So shortly after he died, I get this idea to have a golf tournament in his memory. I waffled back and forth...it would give me a project for the summer (I have 4 months off), it would be a chance for his golf buddies to get together, tell stories, and remember, and for me I get to participate with his buddies and hear the stories, etc. The downside...I don't always feel I have the energy or mental strength to take it on. A few of our friends have really encouraged me to do it and offered to help. So I have a day booked, and have started spreading the word, although informally at this point (still giving myself an out). I have golfed in a few tourneys and even helped organize one at work but many many years ago. Plus DH helped a lot. So I feel like I want to do it, but am apprehensive. I suppose to follow my own "advice" I should feel the fear and do it anyway (ha ha...another thread). Any golfers out there with advice? I want to keep it fun and light. Suggestions for format/rules? Anything I need to think about?

Jen, my heart goes out to you. I am not quite 6 months in, and already I am tiring of this new life that I did not choose. It's a lot and I don't have kids to deal with....I have so much respect for you and everyone that is keeping things going for you and your kids. Huge props. A number of years ago I was tired of my career choice and I wanted a change. Of course, there is a lot of uncertainty that goes with that. Generally, change doesn't bother me but this was big. I never read the book but someone recommended it to me, "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway". I can't tell you how many times I have said that phrase to myself in situations big or small. Ultimately, I did quit my job without another to go to at the same time my husband was without a job. We had saved a bit so we had some time and things worked out. I now have a job that I love....well, as much as one can love a job I think. So the risk paid off. Feel the fear and do it anyway. Your comment that you don't know what you want, only what you don't want. I'm not sure that I entirely buy into the Law of Attraction, but I think there is some truth to the idea that what you "put out to the universe" is what you get if only because it becomes the thing we focus on. Sort of like driving - we look where we want to go. If you look to the shoulder, you will usually find yourself drifting that way. i get your question about how do you even find out what you want. I have had people ask me what I enjoy or like, and I can only answer that I don't know because I feel like I don't know myself anymore. Many things that I used to enjoy induce anxiety. I am hoping that will lessen in time. Maybe it is just about finding small things and setting smallish goals....a savings account of $x built up to give some financial breathing room, to read a particular book that might inspire you, etc, It may shift the momentum of things. And finally, happiness....I remind myself that happy is an emotion, and emotions change often and swiftly (don't we all know that). Nobody is happy all of the time. To find moments of happiness and to recognize them is awesome. Yes, sometimes it takes an extreme restlessness to get us moving toward that new thing - to push past the fear. It's great that you had a good day, and I wish for you more of them. I connected with a meetup group and I have enjoyed it a lot. I still prefer to be with people that know about and can empathize with my situation. That is a goal for me, to be more comfortable with people that don't know and to be able to know myself as something other than "widow". It seems to be the only label I wear these days, largely by my choice I think. In time...in time. Sending positive thoughts and energy your way. Good luck with the audition! Kate

Yesterday was my first birthday without him. The call I just got, "So......how was your birthday." How the fuck do you think it was? And my favourite comment on FB, "happy birthday. Hope this is your year". What the fuck?!? My year to wonder what the hell the rest of my life is supposed to look like? Ya, that will be it. Fuuuuuck.

I too remember my first night alone. My parents live an 8 hour drive away from me. They stayed with me for a couple of weeks, and it was a tearful day for all of us when they left. But I was also a bit relieved to have the house to myself to do just as you said - to cry, to sob, to do whatever I wanted and needed to do without worry about anyone else around. In the days that followed, I had numerous friends and family come to stay with me. After a couple of days of company, I wanted my time alone again. I thought the ideal might have been to have someone there 1 night, and alone time the next. We just had moved into a new house in 2013. It took us 6 months of looking to find what we wanted. It was meant to be our forever home. While that didn't work out as planned, I love the house. I feel very comfortable and secure there. I would not have said the same about our previous house. I might have felt entirely different about where I wanted to spend my nights had we still been in the other house. We rarely watched TV in the bedroom, but my ritual now is to head to bed (after a glass of wine or two), journal if I am not too tired, put the tv on until I fall asleep. I still sleep on my side of the bed and say good night to him as I did for 20 years.

Yup. Know that feeling. At this point, I feel like life will forever just be about going through the motions. But then I read comments on these boards about others that have found meaning and purpose to their lives again, and it gives me faith and hope that we all can get there too. Sending you a hug to help you through these difficult early days, Kate