Kater

SK thank you for your post. Since we share the same unfortunate day, it was interesting to hear what you have planned. I am heading to be with my parents and my brother and SIL (an 8 hour drive away) for a Christmas and probably New Years. I am not looking forward to any of it. It's where S had the heart attack and died last year. It's the trip we made probably 15 of our 21 Christmases together. This year I will be doing the drive all by myself. I have done it dozens of times on my own, but not for Christmas. All around work, everyone is the throes of marking exams and wrapping up the term. With the end in sight talk is turning to Christmas. I had 3 people ask me today what I am doing. Ugh. All well intentioned but I am just trying not to think about it. Church on Christmas Eve has long been my favourite part of the season. I am not going to attempt that. As I think about it, I have given much more thought to what I am "not" going to do than what I will do. Maybe time to give that some attention. What I do know after doing this now for nearly a year is that no matter how painful, the time will come and it will go, and I will still be standing and breathing at the end of it one way or another. Kate.

I understand what you are saying completely about staying connected to the pain. I got a wrist tattoo at the end of August. I cannot explain it, but I felt a noticeable relief of the grief from it. A friend commented the other day that she had noticed a change in me the last 2 or 3 months. A few things happened in that time frame that have helped me move forward but I said for sure the tattoo had an impact. I think it is because it is a permanent reminder in a spot that I, and everyone else, can see. Of course, I will never forget S nor the 20 years we shared, but it seems like the tattoo has alleviated any worry that I might, which I think allowed me to let go of a lot of the pain.

Lovely. Thank you for sharing.

A very good friend of the family died somewhat unexpectedly yesterday. He has not been well for some time, but was talking to the EMTs one minute and the next he was gone. Went to buy a sympathy card for her. I think this is the first time I have needed to do that since S died. It was hard to find one that wasn't full of platitudes - they are in a better place, may the memories erase all the pain, blah, blah, blah. Then I got thinking - if I wrote cards for Hallmark for the loss of a spouse, what would I say? Put on your helmet and fasten your seatbelt. You are in for a ride like none other. I put every single card I had received on my mantle and anywhere else in the house needed just to get them up. It reminded me when I needed it to, that I had lots of love and support to lean on. I really didn't care at the time what the card said, only that I was thankful someone had bothered. So maybe I shouldn't be so sensitive to the card companies' ideas. I mean what can be said in these early shocking days? It was just an interesting exercise to read them now with a different perspective.

Thanks for the kind words and support. Still feeling some anxiety but at least I am not crying in my office today. Ahhh, crazy what is now considered progress

I have been feeling pretty good about things lately. I have had fellow wid friends tell me that I seem to be doing very well (I wouldn't accept that from DGIs, but it means something from fellow wids). I more or less have day to day under control. I actually enjoyed my last trip to the grocery store. I think I have things sorted out with my work schedule and my dog (LH and I had unusual work schedules and one of us was always able to get back home for the dog. That was a big change for me). I don't feel that lonely in the house anymore. All seems to be going pretty well, right? Ya.... then the grief monster rears its ugly head. There were a few small things today - an email to a friend whose son just lost his wife which stirred up lots of those early days feelings, a conversation with a DGI colleague. She is lovely but tried to offer me some advice on things that I did not need nor want to hear from her. But the straw was a simple, stupid text. A text that suggested I might have a job opportunity in another city months and months from now. Not even sure it is a job I want or in a city I want to get to. But it took me to the future. The future I avoid thinking about as much as possible. So many times today that I wished I had my unwavering support by my side to help me decide, to hold me and say it would all be ok, that I am good enough and loved despite any and all shortcoming. But of course the irony is that if he was here, none of these things would be happening. On days like this I sometimes allow myself to imagine what would September 13, 2016 have been if he were still here? What the routine was. oh, for the old life back. It's like I can manage a foot in the past and another in the present. But when one gets stuck in the past and the other in the future, my footing is too far apart and I fall. And it reminds me that I have a ways to go in the process. It's ok because, well it has to be ok. Things are what they are. It is just so overwhelming someways. And I know you all get that. Kate

Sad-confused - I think it safe to say each one of us here has had those thoughts and feelings to some extent. What is the point? Who am I? I can't believe he/she is never coming home and what the hell am I supposed to do? I remember in the early days lots of people would say it will get better. I didn't want to believe it. It felt like the loss was so tremendous I would never be able to, nor want to, move past it. But here I am, 8 months out. The down moments are getting less and more manageable. Despite all my protests that I never wanted to recouple - didn't even want to think about it - my curiosities are peaked in a few situations. 2 month out me would never have believed I would be here where I am now. I am guessing I did it much like everyone here. Day by day. Literally. Get up, shower (major accomplishments for the day already done!) and do only what has to be done for you and your daughter to survive. Tomorrow may be better; it may not be. That is grief. But eventually you will notice things are a little lighter and the days are more manageable. I can't say what happens after that....not there yet myself. I will say this though. I have often heard that it just takes time. And it does. But I also believe work needs to happen in that time. That work can take lots of forms - journaling, reading books, attending support groups, counselling...whatever seems to fit best for you. It sounds like you are allowing yourself to feel it all, rather than immersing yourself in work as a distraction. Just my opinion, but I think that's important. I still don't care all that much about work, even though I quite love my job. A life event of this magnitude brings into focus what really matters. Many of us find work isn't it. (Although the bills do need to be paid still...). For now, the point is your daughter. Ask for help if it is not being offered. Please remember you are very early into it, and so all that you feel, is part of it. Take care. Kate.

I have often said I miss knowing there is someone in this world that has my back, unconditionally. I got a tattoo a week or so ago. Excited about it, I phoned my best friend as I was leaving the studio and she asked me to stop by her office to show her. I said I would be happy to...to be able to show it to someone. She told me later that she nearly responded, out of habit "well you can show it to S when you get home". It's all those little things...

I was just looking around my house last night wondering how I will ever be able to leave here, so I can only imagine the emotions you are feeling. I heard the advice before to take lots of pictures, maybe even video. I will do that when I leave. Even though I know I will not forget (I still can picture every nook and cranny of my old house in my mind), I will feel better knowing it is documented. Sending you a hug.

Congrats. Doesn't sound stupid at all to me. i think we all get how difficult and significant it is to conquer whatever our "things" are.

Sending you a hug. I get it. First trip I took for work was exactly the same. I was fine, but when I walked into the hotel room - the same one I stayed in a few times before, always by myself - I lost it. Totally and completely lost it (not even sure the door behind me was closed yet). Who was waiting for me to text them I was ok? It was so, so lonely. On a positive note, you are doing it. You are getting the "first" out of the way. I keep going hoping each time will be a little bit easier than the last. It all just sucks.

Wow. Such a well written article. Thanks for sharing that.

Mine too.

This is small potatoes compared to your situation, but my husband had an old radio cabinet that he got from his grandparents, I think. It was in pretty rough shape, but we had it refinished and it is beautiful. I love old furniture and both S and I really liked this piece. The first time I had his brother over to my house (after S had died....we did not have a relationship before then), he was eying up the cabinet. He had clear memories of it from his childhood. I mentioned to my sister in law that he probably should have it, if it has family ties. She suggested that, if he outright asked for it (which he never did), that I tell him that I will make sure it makes its way back to him and his family, but I am just not ready to do that right now. I thought that was a great comment. And I think I will offer it to him someday, even though I paid for the refinishing and it has been a much loved piece of furniture for me for 20 years. I do like Maureen's suggestion that you ask them to make a list. If they don't know what they want, then they don't get it. But I also sympathize that they probably want something(s) of his for that connection to him. Ugh. I am sorry you have to deal with this. It all just sucks.

Yes, I have been making lots of notes about things.. There was a group of us that used to meet at our coffee shop regularly. We all got together tonight. They all talked so much about S, telling me stories about him that I didn't know (apparently he always packed a banana for a snack when he golfed....I did not know that). It was difficult to sit in a group of 7 of us without my partner at my side, but it was so nice to be with a group where everyone talked freely about him.

I hear you. I haven't done it for a while, but last night I allowed myself to imagine he was standing in the doorway, with a smile on his face that said, "whew, I finally made it, and I am happy to be home". It's amazing to me how after almost 8 months, I can still see his expressions in my mind crystal clear. I wish I could record them. I worry the memories will fade in time.

I can't remember being afraid of dying. I am sure there have been times when I was, and am, but generally not. Much of that has to do with my faith. Maybe when faced with it in my final moments or if facing a terminal illness, the survival instinct will kick in and my tune will change. But right now, leaving this world would be perfectly fine with me. (I am OK....just not loving life). But... I have always feared my loved ones dying. Lots of times, I thought about what life would be like without my husband, or one of my parents, or my best friend. (It's why I know you can never really prepare for this. No matter how much I thought about it, the reality is unimaginable). However, as much as there is a part of me that wishes he had outlived me, I wouldn't wish for him to be living this life as I am. He was not good at coping with difficult emotional situations (that was my department) and I really don't know what he would have done. So I suppose he got to have the quick, non suffering departure and I am here taking one for the team.

Yup. Hated "you are so strong". I don't even know what that means, really. I was out with two friends - one whose husband recently left her and another married friend. Me and the separated lady were both lamenting about how much we disliked the comment. My other friend was shocked. She asked why it was a bad thing, when she thought it was a compliment. I do think people mean it as such, like they are admiring our ability to handle the situation. I think we don't like it because we don't WANT to be handling the situation, we just have absolutely no other choice. I agree with you, Trying. I think It invalidates what we are really feeling, and just confirms the disconnect between our outward act and inward feelings. My husband and I had quite separate social lives because of our work schedules, and much like you, Hg, being out with friends without him was quite normal. It was relatively easy in those moments to feel ok, sometimes even good. I need to be out with people a certain amount for my sanity, but persoanlky, I love being at home, even though it is when I notice his absence the most and when I feel most lost. Maybe I like it though because I am free to do as I please. No fake happy face required. Cry as much as I need. It is also where I feel like I am able to work through and face down this grief the best and to build up the reserves to be able to face the world some days.

The tourney was Friday, and I JUST said to my mom tonight (she came from out of town to help) that I really should have taken pictures . I am a terrible picture taker at the best of times. I was the main organizer so was busy coordinating lunch time with prize time, visiting with as many people as I could....should have designated someone to take pics. Oh well. But it was fabulous. The weather could not have been more perfect. One golfer said they imagined Mother Nature said rain, but S said, nope, sun today. I had a friend who does many events step in 6 days before. He made the best pamphlets with the rules, etc. and helped with some really special details at the end. I posted elsewhere that S's brother was a bit of an annoyance, which I was worried about, but other than that, it was a day that S would have been both honoured and humbled by. Thanks for your words of wisdom and encouragement. I did think about them in the process.

Shortly after S died, I found myself complaining about the things I had to do that were not previously my "department" - taking out garbage, maintaining the yard, etc etc - to a friend that has never had a long term relationship at 45 years old. Needless to say she was not sympathetic, rightly so . I do think it is different when your life has evolved a certain way compared to a sudden change to things. I have thought that about her social life too. She has a wide network of very good friends and is very busy. I don't have that many friends, and none single (she lives in another city 3 hours away or I would elbow my way into that circle of hers). I figure it took her decades to build her life. We are pretty much starting over. Nothing wrong with feeling sorry for ourselves from time to time, if you ask me.

What a beautiful tribute. It brought tears to my eyes. Sending you a hug on this very difficult day.

Tournament today was fabulous. Everything was great except....brother. Not a huge issue, nor the one I was worried about, but there was an issue that my closest friends and family and I were aware of. Luckily, I have a friend that is very gifted at containing problems so he stepped in. Oh well. Didn't ruin my day, but was a blemish to it all. I need to think a bit more about the extent to which I want him in my life. It was nice to meet him and hear some of LHs past, but it has sort of run its course for me, I think. Just another day in the life of widda hood

I had something a little bit similar happen. I had a very good male friend. I will call him Mark. Everyone assumed Mark and I were dating 22 years ago. We were not, but would often stay over at each other's house (we would sleep - literally sleep - together), etc. I can't say I wasn't attracted to him, but a relationship was not in the cards for us. So Life happens. I find my husband, he gets married, friendship cools. About 14 years ago, out of the blue, his wife demands he no longer speak to me. We both agree it is what he needs to do. My hubby wasn't crazy about our friendship anyway. We completely lose touch. He reached out to me about a month after S died. The news had made its way to him. We email and I find out he left his wife early December (S died end of December). It is an ugly separation and he is dealing with a lot from that. My immediate thought is "why is the universe giving him to me in these circumstances? Are we meant to be together?" I though a lot about him. Imagined him walking through my front door and us barely making it to the bedroom (the spare one, of course, not "our" bedroom), leaving articles of clothing behind in the hallway. I went to see him about a month and a half after S died. I don't know what would have happened had he been willing, but he wasn't. But he was soooo great. He listened, he sat with me when I cried, offering no advice or pat answers. Just sat with me. And hugged me, and was so supportive. We also took a trip together in June. We had an awesome time, but it was very clear that we are in the friend zone. Anyway... The point of all this...technically, he isn't my "ex" but he sort of is. I think when we lose our dearest love, our emotions are so raw. Sex and intimacy are a way to release all the stress and adrenaline. I craved intimacy so much - way more than when S was alive (the term I have learned here is skin hunger). And so here is this guy that is attractive, that I trust wholeheartedly, that I love in some way that is just being so damn awesome in supporting me. Why wouldn't we think of that? I am glad we have established we are in the friend zone. However, he holds a unique position in my life. He is kind of my brother, my friend, the "man in my life", my love....a bit of all that. And I know why the universe gave him to me. He has been so helpful to me in this journey. I have needed him. Hopefully he would say the same about me, as he works through his divorce. It is a bit easier in that we live far apart, so we talk on the phone, but don't see much of each other. I don't know how I would feel if I saw him more often. This whole grief thing is hard, impossible at times. I think it is important not to judge our thoughts or feelings along the way. They are what they are. We can control how we act on those things, but I don't think it is beneficial to feel guilty about what you are feeling or to judge them as bad, or wrong. Recognize it is part of this crazy journey where what is up is down and what's down is up. You seem to have a handle on what is a good idea or not for acting on it which is what matters. If it truly is a relationship that is meant to be, it will be once you heal and feel ready for it. Hugs to you.

Two sleeps until the big event. Weather is supposed to be perfect. I Ended up with 16 teams and tons of prizes. A friend today mentioned he was a golf pro for 20 years and never knew anyone that was better at rounding up free stuff than my hubby. Another friend said he was shameless but endearing. I used all that to my advantage... It's been an interesting week. I have pretty much been immersed in organizing this tournament (thanks goodness I don't work right now!) and have been remarkably "at peace" with the reason for it. I have had many happy memories of S come up. Am very much looking forward to spending the day where he loved to be, surrounded by friends and family that thought so much of him.

Walk with all of them (assuming all friendly and my dog approves. She really is my boss . Shop online or in person?