Kater

Laura, I am so sorry for your loss. My husband died of a heart attack. I, with my dad who is a retired firefighter, performed CPR on him until first responders arrived. They were able to shock him back and while we had him for another 36 hours, ultimately, the damage was too severe for him to recover. I imagine most (all?) of us here relate to the shoulda, coulda, woulda's. My husband had an appointment for an angiogram about 2 months before he died. He cancelled that appointment for work and never followed up for a rebook, despite my nagging. I finally gave up as things were busy at work and Christmas was upon us. I decided to let it go for now and that I would call the doctor myself if I had to when we got back from a visit with my family after Christmas. He had the heart attack on Dec 27 and died Dec 29. I thought a lot about that cancelled appointment. So many people told me not to think about it; that it didn't matter. But it did matter. A lot. My grandma used to always say that we tend to "what if" only the positive, but there is another side. And I started to think of that more. As an example, my friends mom at 65 years old had a procedure to fix a blockage, had a stroke during and is now in long term care, not really living, and wanting to die. It is awful for her and all her family. So we don't really know what the outcome would have been had we done that thing or things we wished we had. And had I known the severity of his condition, I would have acted differently when he cancelled the appointment. But I didn't know, nor did he. And so we did the best we could at the time with the information we had. That said, I know that I needed time to work all that out in my own mind. But please know that it was not, in any way, your fault. The human body can be incredibly resilient but also fragile. We never know why our loved ones were taken from us as they were, but I do believe some things are just going to happen. No higher calling or purpose - just shit happens. This whole process is awful, and I wish there was a way we could ease the pain and the process for all of us. But from what I can tell from doing it for about 6 months it is often just about finding a way to get through the awful moments, appreciating the lighter moments, and having patience. I have faith that this will get better. It has already. While it is not easy, and it may never be, it is less difficult than it was 4 or 5 months ago. There is much wisdom, compassion and understanding in this community. It has been extremely helpful for me, particularly when I struggled though the more difficult times. There is much comfort in knowing people get it and really do understand what you are feeling. Sending you peace and love, Kate

Mrskro - thank you for mentioning that you haven't disconnected his phone yet. I haven't either. Keep thinking I should but then say "next month". Once again, comfort in company. Kate

I have tackled a few things that are "hidden" ie. dresser drawers, personal items under the bathroom sink, etc. But all the other stuff is a double whammy. Not only would I be removing pieces of him but it also empties out the house. I can't imagine my closet 1/2 empty, or the other sink in the bathroom being naked. The house is empty enough without him there. His stuff keeps it a bit more full.

From time to time I think I will clear out the front closet of his jackets and then a little voice deep down says "but what if he comes back"? It's like my brain knows but my heart hasn't got the message just yet. Ugh. This sucks soooo much.

Sandrine, I remember someone asking me how I was doing sometime around the 3 to 4 week mark and me saying that it seemed things were getting worse not better. She pointed out, and I think rightly so, that the shock was wearing off and so I was probably feeling the grief more. the first few weeks are often so busy with "business" and people and then the quiet sets in and it really starts to hit home. It is likely to be difficult for a while. For me, things started to ease up about 3 and a half months in. Take care, and know we all get it here and are here to help each other as best we can. Kate

Thanks all for your comments. As always there is comfort in knowing what I feel is common and that time will soften it all. Kate

My dear friend lost her 13 year old son to cancer 3 years ago. She stayed at my house last night and it was the first time we had a really good talk about what we are living. Frankly, it was the first time I felt I could have a genuine conversation with her about things. While losing a spouse is not the same as losing a child, they are both clearly awful and life altering events. What we both noticed was that we could very easily recount their last moments - what they said, what doctors said, what the hospital looked like, etc. but we had a harder time recalling some of the things about their lives. I hate that I think so much about his last moments. He had a heart attack, and we had about 36 hours in the hospital with him, although he was basically unconscious for all of it. I could pretty much tell you hour by hour what happened in that time. My sister in law was the echo tech on call that night and she did the echo when he arrived at the hospital. She was such a blessing to me. She knew the cardiologist that was handling his case and I trusted completely that DH got the best care possible. She was working with that same cardiologist this past weekend and she passed on that he asked how I was doing which I thought was very nice. I told her that she could tell him he is often in my dreams ha ha. It doesn't happen as often anymore but most mornings when I am just waking up, I am transported back to the hospital room and all the events of those last 36 hours. It's a video that plays over and over and over. I have no regrets. I know that he received the best care and nothing more could have been done, so that's not what is plaguing me. But it is starting to drive me crazy and I think it could keep keep me from moving forward. I recall someone saying that they were doing the same so they wrote out all the events in painstaking detail and then closed the book on it and were able to dwell on it much less. Has anyone else done something to successfully move those memories to the back of mind? I had a gap for a while, but the last few days I have been replaying it again. I am thinking some of it was triggered by my SIL mentioning the cardiologist. It will be 5 months tomorrow that he died, so maybe I just need some more time....? (On a side note, it is amazing that 5 months can feel like 5 years and 5 minutes all at the same time ???) Kate

Sandrine, I am so sorry for your your loss. And I am sorry that your therapist would ever tell you that you should not feel a particular way. Personally, I think we feel what we feel. We may need to understand why we feel that way, and how we might change the feeling if it is not serving us in a beneficial way. But nope, nobody gets to simply say I should not feel a particular way. How do we deal with these feelings. Sometimes just minute by minute. I have done a fair amount of yoga and Pilates - both of which are cantered in breath. Consciously breathing has got me through many difficult moments. It also helped me to read these boards. To know I was not alone in my thoughts and in my pain. Allow yourself to do whatever feels needed in the moment. don't worry about what others think or expect of you. Just do what you need to do to get through the day.

Yikes! That is weird about the plants. Yes, definitely time to go. Kate

Our family is so bad for taking pictures, and videos etc. I did find a fair number of pictures after DH died but was left wishing I had something with his voice, or even better video footage of him (even his phone he just the standard greeting) My mom suggested a while ago that she thought we had taken some home movies a while back. Just last night I dug out my VCR from the storage room and found it - the old VHS tape with DH in it. It is the first time I heard his voice in about 5 months. I cried, I smiled - a lot - and laughed. It is far from a digital version but I suppose it was the available technology of the day 16 years ago. Who would have though an old, obsolete tape would become my most valuable possession? Now I am scared to play it again in case the tape breaks or something.....will have to get it converted to something more up to date and get a few copies.

Aubrey, I am coming up on 5 months and feel EXACTLY every word you wrote. I have told many of my family and friends just that - I don't even know who I am. My DH and I did have separate hobbies, but I haven't been able to participate in those just yet. Just when I feel ready to get back to it anxiety keeps me at home. this is one of the reasons that I am ok with being around people I know and that know my situation, but am not too good around people that I am just meeting. I don't know what to say about myself other than that I just lost my husband and could you please leave me alone ha ha. (I have a conference for work coming up in a week, so may have to work on that). Thanks to those of you who are further out for your comments. I have watched more tv in the last 5 months than I did in the last 5 years. My dog has been great in that I end up out for walks when I least feel like it, but 10 steps in my mood is better and I am happy to be out. She gets me out of bed in the morning on days I would like to stay there. But I am bored, bored, bored (as I have written in other posts, I am on a 4 month break from my job of teaching). I get out pretty much every day for an appointment, or to meet someone for coffee, but the nights are soooo boring. So I have been thinking of what I can do. I don't like to be out of the house too much because of my dog. And so just this morning, in fact, I was thinking I would like to learn to play an instrument or two. The house is to myself now, so there is nobody to bother. I could practice day and night, if I wanted. So some ideas of how to fill my time are coming. Hugs to you all.

AubreeAnn, I have only been at this for not quite 5 months, so I very much remember those feelings. I am a pretty positive upbeat person, but this hit me like nothing before. I thought about cutting, suicide, and was almost jealous when I heard someone had cancer. To say those thoughts were completely out of my character is an understatement. I also remember reading from so many that it would get better. Honestly, there was a part of me that didn't want to think it would get better. I think I believed that my grief kept me connected to him and that if the grief let go then the connection would too. But I soldiered on day by day. This community was extremely helpful for me. It was a place that confirmed I was not crazy and reinforced that I just needed to keep going. And then one day - somewhere between the 3 and 4 month anniversaries - I noticed the grief had lightened. I don't really know when it happened. I imagine it was gradual but it was noticeable in a moment. I haven't participated in any therapy but was actively doing things to "move through" the grief based on some books, some comments on this and other communities like it, and just allowing myself to do what I felt like I needed to do. For me, it was important to keep connected to "safe" people - those that know me and my situation - but then also to have quiet times to journal (I wrote him a letter every day in those first couple of months), to rest and just be. So it is true - it does get better. But we all remember how awful those first few months are. They are like nothing I have ever experienced, that's for sure. I can't say I am there yet, wherever there is. Still lots of things to work through. I still don't always see the point of living, but no longer have any thoughts of hurting myself. Know that you are in our thoughts and you can always come here to say the things you can't say IRL. you will be heard and understood completely. Take care. Kate

So sorry for your loss. I agree with SVS - a very touching post. One of the words I have used a lot is "weird". It is so weird to be physically where our loved ones were, to touch the things they touched, to stand on their footprints, while trying to understand and accept they will not be there again. I use my husband's favourite mug a lot and think about how many times his lips had been where mine are (even though it has been washed!). Take care.

I had all of my husbands boxer briefs put away until I read this post. Now they are all back in his dresser, and damn they are comfy! ;D I like the idea that I am sort of sharing "crotch space" with him. And I can't even believe I said that, but it IS the confessions thread! I suppose lol

When someone comments on my weight loss, I tell them it's "the widow diet - highly effective, but not recommended"

I don't think I would sell without an agent. I had multiple offers on my house within 48 hours of it being listed, and it ended up selling for more than ask. I really credit that to the strategy my agent used. Also, if you list yourself, you have to deal with the showings. That is a time taker, and there can be security concerns involved. BUT as with all things, some are better than others, so a good agent is worth it, I think. I have also heard of people negotiating with their agents to reduce the commission. I would try that the next time. Good luck! It is such a lot of work to get a house ready to sell. Hope you get it sold quickly. Kate

So sorry for your loss. My husband and I had to put down our "baby" April 2015. I missed having him with me on that anniversary. They are very much part of our family.

A bit of a different perspective.....I teach at University. The last grades were submitted yesterday, and so my 4 months off begin. Normally, I am super happy about it. This year, I am a bit terrified. My husband died end of December, so I have been pushing through, pretty much focusing on getting the term done. Not sure what is going to happen, or come up during this time off. Kate

I thought I would try to clean out his underwear drawer. After taking everything out, I meticulously folded it all and put it back. But then I decided to wear his boxers to bed with one of his t-shirts. I now have about 15 pajama "sets" for the summer

I am relatively new here so do not "know" you nearly as well as many others here, but I have been captivated by your nieces story. It's amazing. There really are no words for the blessing of this gift of life she has received. When we are all here dealing with the loss of life, it has been great to hear about someone getting the gift of a new life. Thank you for sharing and continued best wishes for your niece and all your family.

I just read a "life hack" today that was: when at the end of an interview they ask "do you have any questions" a good one to ask is "is there anything about my application that concerns you"? I think that is smart - a last chance to explain away anything that might stand in your way. Now, I've never tried it, so I can't attest to its success rate but thought I'd share it just in case... Good luck! Kate

LTSL - this is a journey that brings us all to our knees. I can honestly say I have never had a single suicidal thought in my 45 years of life. In the last 4 months, since I lost my husband , I have had many. But I know in my heart it is not the route for me, or any of us, to take. I wish I had words to take even a sliver of the pain away, but I know there are no such words. I can only echo what others have said - I think you are doing the right things and please be patient. I do really believe that time helps, but in a way where it might be a moment of improvement rather than a gradual process. What I mean is that I don't think tomorrow will always be better than today, but that one day in the future - maybe tomorrow, maybe in a week, maybe in a month - you will notice that the weight has lessened. And maybe you will feel worse again the day following, but it is those days and moments of reprieve that will get us through. Sending you light and love, Kate

I was in a similar situation. My parents stayed with me for the first 2 weeks And I had other family stay for some time. It was busy and so a part of me welcomed the peace, but the silence when they left, as they say, was deafening. The first few months, I found, were just crazy and weird. When I was alone, I wanted company but then when I had it, I wanted to be alone. I was hungry but couldn't eat, tired but couldn't stay asleep. What's up is down and what's down is up. I have friends that have installed alarm systems once they had kids. I don't know what the cost is, but it might help with some peace of mind at night. As far as sleeping with the lights on - do whatever you have to do. Someone asked me if I had trouble sleeping. I said that I didn't but that I often stayed up until I was so tired I would easily fall asleep. She asked what time that was. I said, oh about 2:00 but sometimes later. She replied "I think that classifies as having trouble sleeping". I thought it was funny, but true, but it was what I needed to do then. So we all do whatever it takes to get through the day and the night. Hoping you have a somewhat restful night. Kate

It was 15 weeks today that I lost the love of my life. Whenever anyone asks if I am in (or suggests I should be in) counselling or part of a support group I mention that I am part of an online community that is very helpful and has let me know that I am far from alone with these feelings and thoughts I have. And then I realize this is one more thing the "world" around us does not understand - the tremendous comfort this and other similar forums are. Oh well. We all get it and that is what has mattered to me. As a "newbie", I want to say thank you to everyone that makes this community possible and for all the kindness and insights those of you on this journey have to offer, particularly those of you that are further down the road. Peace and love to you all. Kate

I wish that I had words to ease things for you but the best I have is that it just sucks. That is kind of where I am with things. It just sucks. People will try to offer advice to "fix it" but it can't be fixed. we just learn how to live with it. I don't have children, but lots of people on here do, and can offer far better advice in that area than me. In general, though, I found that people want to help, they just don't know what to do. So be prepared to ask for what you need at that moment - groceries, prepared food, etc. If your in-laws want to help, I say take it unless their presence and involvement causes you more stress than help. Losing a spouse is the number one stressor so any other stress is magnified now. I found that for the first month or so, I was just in survival mode. Trying to get some sleep, doing only what I had to get done for work, etc. This will take time. And yes, you will cry until you wonder how it is even possible for there to be any tears left. i found a widow/widower group on meetup.com that I get together with from time to time. There are people there from 28 to mid-fifties I would guess and lots in between. I have found that helpful. Maybe there is something similar where you are? Kate