arneal

Hope you have a wonderful vacay, trying2!

Feel free to send any of your tidy partners this way, should they get bored or run out of things to do over there 😂 BF cracked me up the other day -- he put a paper towel in front of the coffeemaker to catch inadvertent spills.

Julester -- so funny you mention what your NG would and would not like. I decided I wanted broccoli beef this past weekend; I had all the fixin's to cook it and BF says he doesn't like it. I said, well, I am cooking tandoori chicken as well but will be making broccoli beef and you don't have to eat it 😂 His response: Oh, I didn't say I wouldn't eat some ... I'll just pick the broccoli out. Ha! He hasn't had any yet and I plan to eat my leftovers! That's fabulous, tybec that your guy is willing to be patient as you work on you. And that he connects to your son. If mine were here or spent time with me, I'd hope BF would do the same. His daughters are completely estranged from him now, having fed into a bunch of stuff from their mom's side of the family and also not being able to step out of their own mindsets to understand their dad at all. I mean, he can be stubborn and excitable, but if you know someone, I mean really know them, you learn who they are and how they work ... especially your own parent. Anyway, it's good that you all are connecting and will work such matters out over time ...

Thanks tybec -- I sometimes think the recovery was worse than the experience ... Love prints ... that's perfect Enjoy the Thai takeout -- I have had a taste for sushi but figured we'd fill up at the buffet. It will make us tired enough to go to bed at a decent hour as most of this week has been closer to 11 pm. And with get up time between 4 and 5 am, that's been tough.

Ha, trying2 -- no one would ever put me and the word 'romantic' in the same sentence LOL! To be honest, it's more like ticking things off a list. I have no desire for a wedding dress and bridesmaids and all that; someone saying 'hey, let's get married' is enough of a proposal. Spending a weekend at somewhere not at home afterward is enough of a honeymoon. The first marriage was the one where I wondered how bad I'd get hurt if I dropped and rolled out of the car on the way to the church (yeah, we did get married in church ... I still think about that, with all the abuse that occurred in that relationship ...) and the second one, we got married in our living room after living together for four years; it was something we said we'd do, not that either of us asked the other 🤔. Yes, we are together and it's been a short time. But as we've all said, time waits for no one. However, just like with work, I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, so why would this be any different? 😁 Bottom line, I am grateful as Jules said, to be loved. I was smiling at the desire to pick up comments. I told BF way back when that my house is lived in and I am not a neat freak. It's hard to be with two good-sized dogs who swear they are people too! I do feel like I keep the place June Cleaver clean though with BF here by comparison; he doesn't pick up as much as I do, like wiping off the bathroom mirror or getting all the crumbs off the table after dinner. It is funny the things we notice about others, isn't it? Hey tybec -- sounds like a great time! Good for you. And doing up your place, your way? Love it! I will not comment on your guy's man cave ... BF made a suggestion for a real office desk where I could put my multiple computer monitors instead of having them propped up on things like I do now; I looked at him like he was nuts and laughed. We both had a good laugh over that one, actually! I decided we would do Indian food tonight. It's the weekend, been a rough work week for me. I hope everyone has a fabulous weekend!

As an only child, I can't imagine, trying2 LOL! It took me going to college and being forced to sleep in the same room with someone and two marriages to get used to having even one other person around 😃 I hope you all have a great time! What do you plan to do while your BF reads his book? Hopefully something amazing and fun! Great question on the marriage front. Having been married twice and widowed twice, I feel like there's not much I will gain from having the piece of paper versus not having it. Financially, I am not looking to 'gain' from being so partnered; I own the house, have a car, and all the associated bills lol. I work in education so will never be wealthy. BF is looking to start his business, so he's got to focus on how he uses his $$ as well. He has not had good marriage experiences and I think he is not particularly interested in thinking about it. We've talked around it -- discussed what we think marriage should look like and be about -- but have never had that 'what do you think about us getting married' discussion. He once said that he and his ex were dating for several years before taking the plunge and describes her as being pushy about it. I'm at that stage where I am not going to beg anyone to be with me, you know? That said, we are together (heck, you can't be much more together that living in the same house! I work from home and he is taking most of his class online so is here all day on the computer in a different room -- we pop in on each other and check in during lunch lol) ... I am part of a vibrant faith community and there are very strong feelings about marriage versus living together. I don't talk about my personal relationship much, outside with a few of the women in the group I have visited from time to time. From a practical standpoint, I think marriage would benefit him more than me; I have medical insurance through my job so it would cost less to add him to my plan than for him to pay out of pocket or to buy business insurance, for example. If the opportunity arose to experience the things I never have from being married (I have never had an actual proposal and have never had a honeymoon), yeah, I'd like that

Hey all! Hoping everyone is doing well out there? I have been under multiple deadlines at work so haven't been as noisy here as usual I took on two classes this term (what was I thinking???? Oh yeah: $. LOL) so I have quite a few long days. BF is taking class online and has to go to class once per week. It is interesting to have him here all day. Not bad, just interesting. It certainly gives us a chance to see each other at best and worst, all day, 24-7! I had to laugh because he washed dishes the other day ... you know how we get into our own routine and way of doing things? Well of course he does it differently than I do. It was all I could do not to nudge him away from the sink and say, 'I will do it, dear' 😂 I have been trying to put into practice the things I read in the book we got from church. I went to the 'graduation' ceremony last Saturday -- they did a mass wedding for couples who wanted to marry after the five-week relationship series was done. A total of 15 couples over the course of the day -- 14 at once and then one more later in the day. It was lovely. I have decided that if marriage is in the future, I pray for a sign and if not, let that sign come even quicker. If we aren't meant to be a long-term thing, I pray we part as friends and that it is mutual and positive. So, onward. Happy Wednesday, all!

I suspect that might be part of it, Bunny -- but my mom is good at doing her own thing 😐🙄😬

Agree, bunny. BF and I have opposite sex friends but we also both have very small circles; those friends (as are most of ours!) are at a distance so it's not like my mom, her companion, and this other friend. They all are basically around each other all the time. I always tell BF when I am going somewhere (loss has done that for me) and he does it out of general 'relationship politeness' now, especially since we are in the same house. When we first started seeing each other, he would only mention going out of town for example if I suggested we meet up and he was already planning to be gone. I am sure it's different if one is very close to opposite sex friends; mine are not that close so it's never even been a thing

Hi, sudnly -- I hear you! I will be 50 in February and BF is 54. After one abusive marriage where I didn't want to be touched at all and a second marriage in which my LH had health issues that affected our intimate life, I am grateful. We have our 'companion' days but there is always an element of I guess I would call it romantic connection. In the book I mentioned, they talked about not negating the importance of non-sexual touch. I never understood that until this relationship.

Yes, certainly interesting, trying2. As far as the long-term companion, no -- they are romantically involved. Perhaps the older gentleman is considered just a friend. However, I can't imagine telling BF that I am going out to breakfast with this older man I know ... maybe it's an age thing? I don't know. I plan to say something to her, from the perspective of 'help me understand' rather than seeming I am making an accusation.

Sure thing, trying2. I don't imagine marriage is in my future but I am not adverse to it. I have moments where I think I'd like to be married again and other times when I think I'd like to remain as we are. Funny -- my mom goes through ups and downs with her companion. Lately, she's been spending time with this older gentleman she met at dialysis. They've gone to eat, they've been to each other's houses. I don't know if she's let her companion know; I mean, it's not like she's also dating this other gentleman but I plan to say something to her the next time we chat. She and her companion have their own homes, they come and go as they please, they are each other's emergency health contact and for all intents and purposes are a strong couple. It gave me pause when she told me about the times she's spent with this other man. I do live with my BF so I am sure I am looking at the whole thing differently than she is. Her companion doesn't want marriage (he and his previous signif lived together for many years -- 20? -- without a hint of desire for marriage) and I don't think she does either. However, I did have a faith conversation during a recent time of devotional. In my prayer I asked that if we were meant to continue on as we are, so be it; if we are to marry, let the signs evidence themselves; and if we are to go our separate ways, let it happen sooner rather than later, with grace and friendly parting. In the end, it will be what it will be ...

So sorry, SW. Praying you are safe and that it all gets sorted very very soon!

tybec -- never tiring ... this is why we are here! trying2: I'm posting here since it may be something others are interested in! Saving Your Marriage before it Starts: https://g.co/kgs/Ei3zRL. The hardback (and maybe other versions as well) has a code for a $5 discount on the $35 per couple assessment; the problem is you have to find a person who is trained in the assessment to give you the results. If you go to the website for the assessment, there is a way to search for local people trained to do so and there is also a link to get trained as well. Happy Monday, all!

Hi all -- seems we are all slogging through life and love and whatnot 😅 My church has an annual marriage retreat; along with that, we have sessions on relationships (interestingly, they name it in relation to marriage because of course, in faith community, everything leads to marriage, right? lol). For those of us who signed up, we got books and a workbook -- Saving your marriage before it starts. It is very good, even if marriage is not where you want to go. It delves into the differences with communication between men and women for example. There is a workbook for married folks and one for singles, for the man and for the woman, with exercises for each that they then share. I've done mine on my own, completing the assignments we were given as part of the series as a single person since BF doesn't attend with me. I'm reading up on some very good bits and recommend it for anyone interested. tybec -- your comment about feedback from friends is what made me think of it; one of the things they mention is that our spouse/partner should be our best friend ... can we talk to him or her about all things or do we talk more to our associates sort of thing in the chapter on that. The needs of the man versus the needs of the woman was good reading as well: there are differences in the way we see things, men and women, and to think that our partners see the world as we do is untrue. BF is thinking about school (no encouragement from the university faculty member in the house LOL) but is worried on the financial end. I'm not pressing, not offering to do much, but put it out there that I'm here to help. He reluctantly admitted there were some things he might need help with soon; it made me think of the book I mention above -- one of the things they say about men is that they often want to be the problem-solvers and when they can't do that, they feel bad ... when we women folk offer to help (or can actually fix whatever it is), that makes it worse. So, I am trying my best to keep most of my nose out of it 😂 We'll see where it goes.

I do that thermostat trick now to save $$, trying2 😆

I hear you, tybec ... I left home at 18, was married the first time by 24. Because of his special needs as I have shared, my son was out of here before he was 19. It has like you said become more common to have adult children at home; here in CA, I have neighbors who say it's because the cost of living is just too expensive for them to be on their own. I am not sure about that since I think minimum wage was somewhere around $3 something an hour when I left home. It was hard. My apartment that I shared with a college roomie and then with the first husband was horrid. But it was 'mine'. My first silverware was from the dollar store; the forks would bend almost in half when you tried to pick up anything. It does make me laugh now but at the time, it was a nightmare. But I know if I hadn't had those experiences, I wouldn't have developed the skills I have today ...

klim -- agree with our friends here in that I also hope things get less weird. I would say that BF was a couch potato when he first moved in; I think he was trying to decompress from all the crazy that had been going on in his life and needed time to adjust to my house and schedule. I too don't need help with stuff so I wasn't asking him for anything. I still don't ask often unless it's a bigger job than I can do by myself and/or I know it's something he's very good at (like when he rebuilt the side gate to the fence). I don't have any offspring in the house and still haven't told my son that BF is here; in his case, he doesn't really need to know since he doesn't live with me anymore. However, the neighbors watch. I might have shared in a separate post but when he took the company truck back after changing jobs, the one neighbor couldn't wait to message me to ask if I was okay since he was gone; I was like, he's not gone -- he just took the company truck back after changing jobs. Sigh! Anyway, it's probably hard for your NG too, to be in a new environment and with adult children who aren't his ...

Wow, tybec -- we all wander off for a (long) weekend and while probably most of us vegged out in front of the tv, you've had all this go on 😍 Good for you -- I am smiling ear to ear for you!

Good for you, tybec -- I hope your son and his friends (and you!) have a great time. It is also good for NG to know that your world does not revolve around him or what he is doing. Of course we want our signif's to be part of our activities but it's a good boundary when we set the expectation we have other things going on as well. BF started his new job yesterday but is still looking for better opportunities. Can't say I blame him I made one of his favorite dishes for dinner but he didn't get to enjoy it much since he got in so late. I had eaten well before he got home; he knows I keep a different schedule when it comes to how I structure my day since he had a chance to see how the day goes while he was in between jobs. Things are good here; as time goes on, I realize I am much more open to things like cuddling with him than I ever was with LH. It is interesting how we change ...

As well you should, Virgo! But there is a place where vulnerability is needed. Maybe combining things like 'Please help me by just hearing me out and understanding my head space' with 'I appreciate your feelings and want to be honest with this process' ...

Virgo -- it seems (and forgive if I am way off here ... we are outside the situation, after all) you are guarding your heart, which isn't a bad thing. However, you might reflect on what you want at this juncture in your life for you (and your daughter). It will be good to have a frank conversation with him to let him know where you are with all this. Do you want to pick up? be friends? be chill and see which way it goes for a bit? Whatever the option, it would only be fair to find out the ground rules -- will you both date while you figure this out? You should know as should he what the plan is.

{{{hugs}}} tybec. Totally get that. I remarked to a friend who marked that it's been six months since her mom died that this year will be 24 since my dad in December and next March will be 20 since the first husband/my son's dad. February will be three years since LH. May will be three years since BF and I had our first date. Time flies ...

Bunny -- I read that as well. He couldn't take it. Interestingly, it seems female trolls seek money from men while male trolls seek sex from women. Both seem to want to play with potential interested parties. Lots of catfishing going on out there. Sad for all.

trying2 -- must be that season of transition. BF is also routing offers. I am glad for him since the last job was so stressful. Ah, the connection to former family thing. I severed all ties with the first husband's kids (he'd never married their moms -- three kids, three moms. Yeah. I was young and very stupid). It was abusive and I didn't want to find myself in a position to tell them what I'd been through since he was different to them than he was to me. His family didn't connect with me, except for one cousin, who had died before he did. My LH was divorced and his ex didn't really see eye to eye with him or me; after he died, she tried to be a human being for a while. I think it was genuine. I don't communicate with them pretty much at all now (if you've read some of my previous posts about LHs daughter, not trying to encourage her to come to my house, especially now since BF lives here). In their case, LH and ex shared a child so they had to communicate about things. Knowing there was nothing between them made it easy not to care if he talked to her or if she came to our house. I had a moment when we were first together that she tried to act like she was interested in being with him again (that was weird. for her lol) but knowing who she was and from his descriptions of her actions, it didn't do anything for me. LH had friends who were people he'd dated in the past; interestingly, the one woman was the head of probation and we both talked with and emailed her when his ex got stupid behind child support.