On the brink

[Jen]

I'm a little hesitant to post this-- I had a significant (I think) shift today, and I feel like I need to get it out. It may not amount to a hill of beans, as my granny used to say, but, then again, it might be another corner turned. I don't know.

 

This morning I woke up at my usual time-- and I just couldn't do it. I could not face another day. I hid under the covers and mumbled, "Please don't make me. Please."

 

I've been taking my mom to work, because she's 71 and it's hard for her to make the hike from the outlying parking lot into the big teaching hospital where she works, so I did force myself to get up and put some clothes on and get in the car. I drove her there and then came back home, told my youngest (the only one awake) that I'd be upstairs if he needed me, and got back in bed. I didn't go to sleep, at least not right away-- I lay there and thought for a long time. I didn't cry, I wasn't hysterical (I've been prone to crying jags lately, not sure why), I just... thought. And I came to the conclusion that I'm done.

 

I've been saying that for a long time-- since Jim died, in fact. I think now that I finally mean it. I'm just done. No more hurting. No more feeling. I'm done.

 

I wondered for a little while if that meant I had made up my mind to stop living-- to kill myself, in fact. There's really nothing left in this life that I want, other than things I can't have, so what is the point, really? Why struggle on, day after empty day?

 

I considered it. Then I heard my son laughing at something he was watching on television, and the idea went straight out the window. It's just not an option. I'm here for the duration, like it or not. If my life is empty, then it's up to me to fill it somehow. I've got to make a life I can tolerate, something more than work and family obligation. I've got to-- I don't know. Take up piano or learn French or become an armchair expert on Sumerian archaeology. Something. There has to be more to this existence than this vast sucking void inside me.

 

I dozed off at that point, woke up an hour later when the doorbell rang-- the FedEx guy delivering the international cell phone I bought for my trip to Amsterdam. Oh, yeah! I'm going to Amsterdam in 2 weeks. That's something, right? After that-- well, I have no idea. But there has to be something. Has to be.

 

So what if no one ever wants me? I have to want myself, since I'm the one who's stuck with me. I'm tired of being miserable and lonely. I'm still me, and there used to be a fair few things I liked about myself. They must still be in there somewhere.

 

I can't change what's happened to me. I can find another way to define myself, though. I guess that's my new task. Or maybe it's been the same one all along.

 

 

[Mizpah]

If my life is empty, then it's up to me to fill it somehow. I've got to make a life I can tolerate, something more than work and family obligation.

 

So what if no one ever wants me? I have to want myself, since I'm the one who's stuck with me. I'm tired of being miserable and lonely. I'm still me, and there used to be a fair few things I liked about myself. They must still be in there somewhere.

 

I can't change what's happened to me. I can find another way to define myself, though. I guess that's my new task. Or maybe it's been the same one all along.

 

I got happy-teary reading this.  Even if you backslide, even if you backslide significantly and for a while, don't forget this.  There's your internal compass!  Covered up for a long time by sadness and tears, but still there.  Feeling your sorrow genuinely allows you to feel hope and drive genuinely, that's my opinion.  I'm really happy for you, for this moment that you had.  Sending lots of love and support. 

[widowat33]

((Jen))

You have no idea how many times I've asked myself "why am I still here?"  It sometimes feels like my entire existence is going to be just getting through one more day. But then along comes a good day, or even just a good hour. Then I remember how to be happy again and I know that someday those hours, those days will be more frequent.

When I reminisque about the memories of my life before, I remember the happy times and the love. What I tend to forget is the feeling I used to have of discontent..not with my marraige, never that...but with myself. I have self esteem issues and I was always hard on myself, because I didn't have a good job, wasn't the "perfect" wife or mother. Even before all this happened I used to wonder if I would ever be the person I wanted to be. Now I realize that person is not reality! I will never be that person because she doesn't exist.  I wish I could've seen myself the way my husband did. He was my biggest supporter, my biggest fan.

Now I'm working on myself, and being happy with my life and who I am. Somedays it's a struggle, but I'm getting there. I am starting to realize that other people can not make me happy, I can only do that for myself. That's what really struck a chord for me when you said there used to be things you liked about yourself, I can honestly say there wasn't much that I used to like about myself. I am trying to be more gentle on myself. I am learning about self identity as I lost more than my husband I lost a part of my identity, that of being a partner.

I am not actively looking to date, I am no where near ready for that. But I have thought about it and realized that I need to work on myself before I put any energy into a relationship. I think you have to want yourself before you can expect any one else to want you. I am not saying I will never date again or remarry, but I hope to be content with my life to not really care if I don't.

I'm sorry for the long reply, especially as it's all about me lol, but I wanted to let you know that I understand, and get it.

Take care

[Wheelerswife]

Jen, I hope this moment can be sustained for you.  I know that for myself, I can't stand being miserable.  I don't want this life I've been tossed into.  I wish I could get that Plan B that Sheryl Sandberg spoke of - I want it back.  But I can't have it back, and as much as that breaks my heart, I have to figure out how to keep living and not feel miserable.

 

So...I keep going.  I push myself to keep doing things.  I actually enjoy myself sometimes.  I know that Amsterdam will be good for you and you will have moments you enjoy...maybe even the whole time there.  That doesn't erase the pain you have, the angst over losing Jim, the "what the "f**k" moments where you want to swear at the universe at the top of your lungs. 

 

Some people seem to manage their grief and find happiness or contentment alone.  I don't know if I can do that myself.  I do know that having friends and professional connections helps me along the way.  Being in school helps.  Having activities such as lectures and concerts and shows helps.  Traveling helps.  Making a difference for others helps.  All of these things help me pass time and give me genuine moments of happiness. 

 

I need and want something more.  I need that intimacy I've known from having an awesome life partner.  It isn't here now.  I'm probably not ready for it, but if it knocked on my door, I'd sure investigate!

 

I guess the gist of all of this is that somehow, we have to find a way that works for us to keep going.  Giving up doesn't seem to be the right answer, at least not for me.  I'll keep doing it my way.  I hope you can find what works for you.  Being miserable just sucks.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[canadiangirl]

I can't change what's happened to me. I can find another way to define myself, though. I guess that's my new task. Or maybe it's been the same one all along.

 

Love this.  Get this.  With you.  ((JustJen))

 

Now about that Sumerian archaeology.  It's not Sumerian, but check out Mary Beard Meet the Romans on Youtube if you haven't already.  I guarantee you will like it.  Archaeology puts things in perspective!  Have a great time in Amsterdam. 

[Virgo]

I smiled reading this. Good to hear Jen!! ((hugs)) This is where I'm at too. I am starting to more for myself. It's an instant mood changer, and makes me a better mom. If I find a special someone along the way, great. If not, I'm going to be fine.

[JeanGenie]

Jen, I get this and have been there many times (and still am).  Trying to figure out my compass and what my life is supposed to be.  There are many single people out there who appear happy and living life, why can't I?  Why does life seem so empty and directionless without our loved one.  And there have been times I have thought too....dying doesn't seem so bad (although I'm not considering suicide) but then I think of my son and I would not want to do that to him.  It was only very recently that I have realized that I do not want to be alone the rest of my life.  Before that, I could not imagine having someone else in my life and figured I was destined to be alone and sad the rest of my sorry life.  Now I have hope that maybe I'll find someone special that gives me a reason to love and go on living.  While also fearing it may never happen.  So trying to learn to live this new life and find happiness by myself, with myself.  Not easy.

 

But all of this is to say, I can so relate.  And I'm so excited for you that you are going to Amsterdam.  You are forging forward, trying to create good moments in your life.  Keeping busy helps and there are times when you realize you're smiling and laughing and say "hey, this was a good moment".  This trying to define ourselves is hard though...one baby step at a time though.

[SoVerySad]

Tight hugs to you, Jen. I'm glad your son's laughter was able to rouse you from your sense of complete hopelessness. This is a tough, tough journey we are on. I agree with you completely that we need to find a new way to define ourselves and add meaning to these new lives we've been thrust into. It is a big task. I hope we can continue to support each other as we try to move forward. I'm glad Amsterdam is coming soon for you (and envious).

 

Sending you love and tight hugs...

[Max2507]

Your trip will be awesome! The only time I have been away from home was to go to a widdobago and to camp widow here in my home state and really a change of scenery and hanging with people that understand, priceless. You are a year behind me and I remember that being such a hard time. Be gentle with yourself. It does help to do things outside your comfort zone or just something you wouldn't be doing if your spouse was here. I took up kayaking and love it. Exercise, join a meetup. It is so hard to make yourself do anything but it does help especially if like me you need to find some new friends. I still have to push myself because it is tempting to stay in bed. I allow myself some of that but make plans ahead to try and avoid that on my days off. People are rooting for you!

[CHM1988]

All I can say is thank you for posting this. We've all felt this way at times. After the first year things change, and change is hard after all that we've been though. Sending hugs.

[lcoxwell]

My friend, I was so happy to read this thread and to see just a glimmer of hope. Sometimes, that glimmer may not seem like much, and other times, that glimmer of hope can change our whole perspective on life. It is my wish for you that this glimmer will grow into something more for you, than the despair you have been feeling, lately.

 

So much of what you said resonated with me. I can relate to those days of not wanting to get out of bed and the feelings of hopelessness, though I don't often post about those days. I can also relate to wondering why I am still here, though I am not suicidal, either. And the crying jags? I am right there with you lately. It seems like every time I turn around, I am crying these days. 

 

The eternal optimist in me seems to always find that small piece of determination to keep pushing and to keep searching for some measure of contentment, or joy, or happiness, though; and every now and then, even if it is just for a moment or two, I actually find it. I so want you to be able to find those moments, as well. ((((Hugs))))

[linda5]

Just Jen, a BIG thumbs up and a mountainous hug to you!  It's hard, but we're going to make it!!

[Jess]

Jen, I have always been a big believer in you. This shift is major! And just coming to this conclusion does amount to a sizable hill of of beans, even if you struggle to find what will help fill up your life going forward. It's a journey, not the quick sprint we all wish it was. Thank you for continuing to share. It means a lot to more people than I think you can really imagine.