Sugarbell Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 My guy friend is much better off financially than me. I don't have a problem with traditional dates, etc him paying for things....But big things (like a new bed, mattress, TV, trip to Vegas...even filling my car up with a tank of gas Everytime we leave each other on Sunday)....makes me feel... I dunno guilty. We are on the same page of commitment but no marriage for quite some time. We are on the same page with not living together (hour away...his job...and I don't want to move my kids)...So no one is being lead on. Then why do I feel bad when he just does very nice (and practical) things for me. At least 50 percent of our dates he's also paying for my kids meals, entertainment too. I kinda feel like a mooch. And I have told him this. He just shakes his head and says "I enjoy doing it." DH and I were pretty much financial equals when we started dating....I am not guy friends financial equal...and I have 3 extra little ones (he has one college age daughter)... Is it like this because I have been so damn independent for 8 years with my kids?? Is it because I don't feel as generous as him? (Like I would never date a man with 3 little kids who wasn't making that much money-and I ended up paying for all there dinners out, etc) Not sure I am making sense...I need to just enjoy it without the guilt. I think I have been scraping by for so long that it just at times makes me feel guilty. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 Oh and I think this is bothering me more because we all spent the weekend at his house (it's been a while since we were down there)...And I found myself weeding his flower bed (which he stopped me)...trying to pick up do his laundry...hell I even was cleaning his bathrooms until he put his foot down and said "I don't clean your house....just relax..you aren't to come here and do that at mine" But I realiZed that somewhere in my messed up head I thought that I SHOULD because of everything he does for me. I even said "but I love you-let me help out" (he works long hours..) and he just looked at me and said "Seriously chill out....you aren't coming to my home to clean my bathrooms for Gods sakes" Sigh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anniegirl Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 My LH made less money than me. I was the "sugar-daddy" and it bugged him and I said, "I like being able to do this." And he chilled (mostly) but he insisted on doing things like yardwork, for example, and that was that. My husband out-earned me by a lot and when we were dating, he picked up the tab. Always. And it was weird but that's what made him happy so my fallback position was "doing things" like cooking and such and that was that. If this really bugs you, and you feel that you must reciprocate - then do it. Tell him to deal. I would, however, caution against go full on housekeeper. In my experience, everyone is happier when they feel equal regardless of how equal is achieved. It's about contributing and doing for each other too. imo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hachi Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Is it like this because I have been so damn independent for 8 years with my kids?? Is it because I don't feel as generous as him? (Like I would never date a man with 3 little kids who wasn't making that much money-and I ended up paying for all there dinners out, etc) I think the answer to the first question is maybe. Independence does make us think twice before we risk giving up any of it. The second question is not so easy. You are comparing apples and oranges. If you were financially better off than your new guy and wanted to take care of him, maybe you would. But you're not, so you wouldn't be able to be as generous as he is... If you are uncomfortable, then set some boundaries. Or just keep talking about it with him. You will figure it out. I sort of agree about the whole full-on housekeeper bits. Anyone can clean a house, only YOU can be you.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 I know most of it is I have lots of nervous energy since getting clean off pills. I keep busy nonstop at my house and everything has to have a semblance of order to keep my ADHD head straight. And when I am outside at home--I pull weeds while playing with my kids...it's actually annoying to my kids because I was not this way when drugging. I could waste hours. So at his home-I saw laundry Needed done..I did it...bathrooms were not as clean as I like...I started cleaning them...flower beds weren't done....I weeded them. He's a man...he lives alone...he's rarely home...he doesn't see those things like I do. And yeah-I know it's why I don't want to get married while my kids are young...because I would take that stuff on...not because it's expected...but because that's how my brain works now that I am clean (and this is with meditation and yoga). Really the problem is me....still learning to navigate a healthy relationship with all my opiates, tranquilizers, stimulants...And I have been clean 3.5 years...But didn't date the first 2.5 years. Sometimes I feel like I am learning life all over again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Money issues tend to make people uncomfortable when things aren't equal. I'm in the opposite position with my new guy and in the beginning he was uncomfortable not splitting things 50-50 or being able to treat me. Often we ended up not eating out, not eating together, or he would cook. Finally I said that I like to go out for dinner sometimes, not fancy but I don't want to worry about ordering a drink or the salmon instead of something cheaper so I appreciate him letting me treat when I want to go out. He in turn takes the time to plan, shop and cook for me when he doesn't have his kids or fix things at my house that I would've hired someone to do. That being said, it took a while for me to convince him that I don't want him to feel like he has to "pay back". We still have some issues because of money and if we get to the point of combining lives I'm sure there will be more issues to work out. I'm downsizing to a smaller home because I want to be to afford to do the things I want without relying on a man. The other thing I love that he does is to send me cute romantic texts because he feels bad that he can't afford to send me flowers all of the time and these texts are my flowers. He's such a macho guy and knowing he is thinking about me at random times and taking the time and thought to send me a message or a picture means so much more than flowers. You will find a way that works for you both. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Is it like this because I have been so damn independent for 8 years with my kids?? I think the answer is yes. It's not what you're accustomed to. And, whether we like it or not, money dynamics feel like power dynamics, even when they're not. It's hard for an independent woman (or man, I'm sure) to receive from someone, even when it means nothing more, even when it's freely given, even when there are objectively logical reasons why it's totally fine. Money is psychological in so many ways. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
serpico Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Is it because I don't feel as generous as him? (Like I would never date a man with 3 little kids who wasn't making that much money-and I ended up paying for all there dinners out, etc) I think this is it. I mean, seriously, you're letting him do things for you that you would never be 'generous' enough to do for someone else. I'm not saying your choices are right or wrong, but there is a huge dichotomy there that would be hard to reconcile. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I don't know, I would've said that I would never date someone with little kids or who wasn't my equal financially. Then I fell in love with someone with 2 little kids who isn't my equal financially. Never say never. I think you are fiercely independent, your personality combined with survival instincts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 It's funny....his money was not what made him appealing so much to me..::it was the fact that he's busy as can be (full time job-2 side businesses out of his home-and one is beds/mattresses that's where that gift came from and coaches )...So he's not needy..I am busy..:.but seriously he's busier than me.:which is sexy to me. And he doesn't put up with my shit. I mean he does awesome things for me and my kids...but doesn't take crap from me. He's Nick named me "Tuff nuts or Tuffy"...And is a bigger smart ass than me. His mom being widowed when he was 7 with half a dozen kids....I think that adds to his generosity to my kids. And I do feel incomfortable when he takes all of us to a movie (I rent from amazon at home he knows it's too expensive for me) or buys all of us dinner..:he even have me 1/4 of butchered beef (steaks/hamburgers) to have for meals. I am not poor. But he knows I watch my pennies with certain things. He bought my plane ticket for Vegas and tickets for Hoover Dam next week-Hotel is covered with conference...but I am going to buy some of our meals-or at least all of mine...I just feel too guilty not doing it. But yet I would never spend the money to go to Vegas on my own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anniegirl Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Perhaps a rousing chorus of "Let it Go" is in order? You know, it's okay to let people who love you take care of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 Ok....the next free weekend the kids have....we are going down and helping him with his place. He has 5 acres of yard...it all needs mowed shit every 5 days with all the rain. My son loves that shit. And I want to paint his decks and fix them up: he did tell me he would give us money for landscaping mulch, flowers if I ever wanted to do it (Honestly I love doing outside work)...I don't think that would make him feel bad because I am not cleaning his house...but helping him out. Is that messed up to want and to feel like we should do that to help? I feel like in a sense I am paying him back.....and it's a nice thing that he doesn't like to do ( landscaping). Or is that a bad habit to start??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 Perhaps a rousing chorus of "Let it Go" is in order? You know, it's okay to let people who love you take care of you. Yeah maybe I just need to chill and enjoy: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anniegirl Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Yes, enjoy. Why not? Life is hard enough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klim Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 Interested in this thread because I'm existing in the reverse kind of relationship. I am finacially in a better place then my boyfriend. We share regular stuff like taking turns paying for dinners out but big things like vacations I want to put in more. I want to know he won't be strapped for money or incurr debt to go with me. He fights me on this. We're still negotiating. He offers to help out with things around my house....I don't think to even out money but just cause he wants too. So far I'm too independantly stubborn to take him up on it. I have this mindset that "I can take care of myself,my house and my kids by myself" but Sugarbell if you can relax into the idea of letting him spend on you, I think it's ok. I wish my guy could relax into it.When I offer to pay it's because I want to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted July 8, 2015 Author Share Posted July 8, 2015 I think I can somewhat relax him spending on me. (Somewhat) But my kids....it bothers me. Not there yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
singinmomo4 Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 Does he have a brother? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobFTC Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 Maybe that's your answer, SB - maybe spending on the kids should be throttled a bit and discussed in advance. No issue with that. I figure that he's giving of what he had more of, and you're not nuts to be trying to give him something - it should be like that. Maybe not including cleaning the toilets :-) Take care, Rob T Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 I'm a little crazy when it comes to holding my own financially. I've worked hard for what I have and am fiercely protective of the independence it affords me. With that being said..... Last summer when A and I met in Rome (where I currently am once again for work), we split everything. Its always just sort of been the natural arrangement, or I''l buy lunch and he'll buy dinner or some similar arrangement of alternating. It was never a question or a discussion; that's just the way we did it. No counting, no keeping score. One evening I noticed a dress in a shop window and said I liked it and he suggested I go in to see if they had my size. So we went in and they did and I went to buy it and he said, "No, I'm going to buy the dress for you." And I started in with the whole "No, no you don't have to do that" blah blah blah blah and then I realized it was making him happy to buy me the dress. It was making us both happy. So happy in fact that I, at least, turned into this blushing, blithering, giggling mess at the register. The woman must have thought I was nuts. Anyway, I'll always remember that. It meant a lot to me, and it still does. It meant that my happiness (it could be anything, not even necessarily a material thing; it just happened to be a dress in this story) made him happy. I dont know, I guess I'd learned just to take care of myself because everyone else in my life needed me to take care of them for so long. I'd forgotten how satisfying it can be to receive. Giving has always been my mode but even as the recipient in this case I was still giving pleasure to someone else by accepting their kindness. It seems so small and so silly in some ways but it was another time when I had to remind myself that I don't always have to be independent, in control, without needs and desires.... A little off topic maybe, sorry. As I said, the work day in Roma is over and it is aperitivo time..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mmg19 Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 From what you've said new guy is financially well off and very busy. Has he thought of getting a lawn service and/or cleaning service? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted July 10, 2015 Author Share Posted July 10, 2015 From what you've said new guy is financially well off and very busy. Has he thought of getting a lawn service and/or cleaning service? You know I was thinking this exact same thing today. We hadn't been down to his place since first of March. Snow was still on the ground...house was neat. He coaches in the spring for a local high school--was really never home...sold his other house and consolidated clothes and stuff from the old one. With all the damn rain here...you have to mow every few days. I am going to suggest both to him while we are out of town. His house for the most part he keeps clean....except the bathrooms (and I have seen much worse) and all his clothes. But I am paying for food and stuff in Vegas. He bought my plane ticket, hotel is free with conference...that's more than enough to spend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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