Chapter 2 still feels foreign

[Guest mawidow]

I think I am a very slow learner.

 

There are many things that contribute to a chapter 2 person feeling like 'home.' His smell and laugh and walk and daily routines. Our shared memories and jokes and experiences.

 

I love New Guy. He treats me lovingly. We have amassed a lot of shared experiences this year, and our shared life is starting to have a lovely rhythm. I love his smell and laugh and walk.

 

But my mind often drifts to, DH was home and this is a foreign country. I don't want to put pressure on myself. I have had a lot of loss in my life and I don't attach quickly. But NG seems to be fully attached, settled in, and has made me his emotional home. I'm scared to let myself do the same with him. He referred to me as 'family' the other day and I thought, who in the name of all that's holy are you talking about?

 

I spent almost 20 years with DH - and those memories have more gravitational pull than my actual, living reality. NG is standing in front of me, loving me (well, not literally this second...) and I am more attached to ghosts.

 

Just sayin. This stuff is weird. I'm wondering what makes a chapter 2 relationship feel like 'home' for you?

[Trying]

I'm not there yet so I have no words of wisdom to share really.  But I do try to recall that DH and I dated for 5 years before we married, we had no real history as adults before we met (we were 19 and 20) yet when we got married and started living together it felt like playing house for a while.  It took time for him to be my "family" ahead of my parents in my heart.  So I think what you are feeling is natural.  Your NG has finally found what he has been looking for and never really had.  You have already had what you wanted and that's a lot to live up to. 

[Guest TooSoon]

No real words of wisdom from me either though it seems that these are all such personal situations as we are all such unique individuals with our own stories, histories, aspirations and realities.  As you know, I tip toed into my relationship.  Asking for what I need has always been very hard but I knew after a while that, in this instance, I had to do it.  Sometimes I waited too long and it backfired spectacularly; sometimes I tried talking my way around it which worked sometimes and not other times when it then backfired spectacularly.  Then I decided to take a deep breath and just be completely honest.  And, yes, vulnerable.  It was a risk but was it?

 

NG seems like he cares deeply and hears you.  Why not share it all with him?  Isn't that what it must ultimately be about?  Your DH is part of you and I am sure NG (lots of acronyms here) understands that; I have no doubt.  Maybe because A is also widowed I don't think much of it but I ramble on constantly about Scott and I talk to his children about their Mom and they talk to me about her and he talks to me about her and I don't know, I guess I just figure it is a part of the story, they (the missed and departed) are part of the family.  It must be so and it is right that it is so. 

 

Purely rhetorical and sending you copious, empathetic love.

 

 

[Guest sunshinedaydreamz]

It sounds as if you've been graced to have a second Love.

Why not fully embrace it ? We never forget when a Love passes. There are many who never truly get a second chance. It sounds like he truly Loves you. What could someone ask more ?

Best to you.

[Mizpah]

Foreign is a good way to put it.  Just last night I had the strangest experience.  I was in bed, widower BabyDaddy had just fallen asleep next to me.  My head on his chest, knowing he was asleep, I whispered, "I feel like we're strangers."  It just came out, like it didn't pass through my brain, it just happened.  I live with this man every day.  We're raising a child together.  We live together.  He was with me when I gave birth.  We have sex.  We go hiking, and talk, and watch TV, and plan, and eat, and sleep, all together.  He's the person I talk most to.  Strangers?  His face is as familiar to me as my own. 

 

With DH, within hours, I felt like I'd known him forever and that we were extraordinarily fitting, we were perfect for each other - he called the day we met "the day the angels looked down and said 'perfect.'"  (I called him Romeo hahahahaha.)  I had it really easy.  This one is work.  I think any relationship, after the kind I had with DH, would be more "foreign" than ours was, because nothing was more instantly or more intensely home - I don't think anything could be. 

[Sugarbell]

For ME (and this is a very individualistic thing)....Slow and steady wins the race.

 

DH and I were work colleagues...then buddies...then dated exclusively 3 years before we got married....it took time on both our parts. Fall is always bittersweet...married in fall...started dating in fall...he died in the fall...lots of road trips in the fall.

 

But I am not who I was at 25. And the years have done it's job for me as far as healing.

 

NG isn't DH...I don't want him to be. Something's I will always miss about DH...but NG has qualities DH didn't have.

 

I kinda view them totally separate. DH I am bound to forever because of our kids. I talk about him to the kids all the time. But it's not romantic love--it's more of a family kinship love.

 

NG is romantic love--but it's still early. I am in no rush. Just taking it at face value.

 

It's a mind screw sometimes I know.

[Guest sunshinedaydreamz]

I've made a conscious attempt to not compare, or require attributes from a new dating partner (whatever one would call it). There's no

way to bring back, what I had. New day.

[Guest mawidow]

I SO appreciate everyone's experiences. You are really helping me reflect on mine.

 

Yes, the two men are incomparable. And I have always had fear of intimacy and letting my guard down. That's nothing new.

Yes, I am still learning to accept that I can freely share back and forth between old life and new life. NG has even said, 'I feel like [DH] and I are on the same team.' That really touched me.

Yes, some of these feelings come from the deep unconscious and stuff comes right out of my mouth unwittingly, too! In bed! I've embarrassed myself more than once .

Yes, I am grateful beyond belief that life has been kind to me.

 

Sending support to all.

[Captains wife]

It is fabulous that you have such a supportive new partner, and I love what he said to you. I can imagine after a 20+ year happy marriage that the adjustment to a new life, new partner IS hard...and things are still so new. Your life now too is VERY different than it was with your DH, especially with children, exes etc. You built half a life with your husband, you are still in the building stages with NG. And it IS scary falling in love again and re-attaching after such a loss in our lives. But its so comforting to see you have a new man that is so supportive in your Chapter 2. Nurturing and understanding is so helpful now. My Chapter 2 still feels foreign to me (even after 15 months) although I have glimpses of comfort and familiarity. Rebuilding is not an easy process as we are all discovering.....

[kjs1989]

mawidow, I could have written your post. It is so weird, this relationship thing. I am doing it and it is working, but I often still find myself wondering how the hell I got to this place. WTF happened to my life? Who IS this guy who loves me so completely and unconditionally now?? This widow thing I have going on doesn't  bother him.  He is so different from D, but quite awesome in his own right. He is certanly not without flaws, but wow, neither was D!! In some ways, Mr. Chapter 2 and I are more compatible than D and me. But D and I had a history of  four years of dating, 23 years of marriage, and three kids. There is no way to compete with that. So, I have just accepted that love the 2nd time around is just going to feel a whole lot different than the first time. It just is. I am not going to throw it away, but I will just stay the course and appreciate what he is bringing to my life.

 

Yet, I feel confused because I know I am not fully giving to him what he is giving to me. There are still times I just want him to go home after spending a good deal of time together. I still need down time from our relationship. We have been together 2 1/2 years, yet I am not ready for him to sell his house and move in with me. I am certainly not ready to be engaged or marry him. I hope I can get to that place sometime because he is amazing in so many ways. I started  seeing him only a few months after D died. Maybe too soon to some people, but no regrets because he helped me to  want to live life and be there fully for my kids.  That was my goal at the time and he has been stellar in that role I must say.

 

I think we just have to proceed as we have been, realize, and appreciate that the human heart is amazingly capable of adapting and loving in an infinite fashion. There are no rules, thankfully, and time is a friend.

[MrsT85]

With DH, within hours, I felt like I'd known him forever and that we were extraordinarily fitting, we were perfect for each other ... I had it really easy.  This one is work.  I think any relationship, after the kind I had with DH, would be more "foreign" than ours was, because nothing was more instantly or more intensely home - I don't think anything could be.

 

Mizpah - this is how I feel about my NG as well.  I'm constantly second guessing myself now because this relationship sometimes really feels like work.  There's none of that effortless "clicking" that happened with Tim and I - which I often remind myself was likely as effortless as it was because of how young I was when we met (19) and how all of our interests and aesthetics aligned perfectly.  There were a few standard things we'd fight about (the usual - money and sex) but when it came to our preferences for almost anything and our values and priorities there was rarely any daylight between us.

 

It's not the same with NG.  We fight about misunderstandings and misaligned priorties far more often.  But then I have to remind myself - judging by what I see from other couples around me, what Tim and I had wasn't the norm, it was the exception and any of our friends and relatives would be able to tell you that.  And expecting to find something like that again...I guess my "reality check" mantra has become "don't let perfect be the enemy of the good."  I had damn near perfect with Tim, and now that he's gone holding out for something that's not just good but that feels as comfortable and natural as our marriage would be an exercise in futility. 

 

Maybe things with NG will eventually feel like "home" to me, but not yet.  I feel like we're still on two different pages when it comes to a lot of things about the future, and maybe these foreign feelings will begin to dissipate once we're better aligned about such things.  Or maybe I'm just a naive 30 year old who got really lucky once and has unrealistic expectations on a whole host of fronts.  I wish I had some advice to give, MAW.  But since I don't, I just wanted to chime in with a "good luck" and an "I think I understand." 

[Guest sunshinedaydreamz]

^^^^

Brilliantly written and I believe this to be so on so many levels. I'm not engaged or married, have really no need or desire for that ( I had my children, family ), and as a single widowed parent struggle way more than is comfortable. Unless a relationship would totally blow me off my feet and into the water, the "work", is not worth the benefits. There are times this new chapter sucks, it's nice to have the feeling of "home", but as a single guy I would never compare the struggles of men vs women, each have similar and seperate issues.

Finding the perfect fit had remained very elusive. And struggling with a relationship is very hard. My Wife was my rock. Now it's a crapshoot.

[lcoxwell]

I have to admit, things are different for me. I loved my Kenneth dearly, and I know he truly loved me; but, he was work. My life with him was filled with constant ups and downs, as is often the case with long term care-giving. For years, he lived with intense levels of pain, and the build up of toxins in his brain caused mood swings and personality changes. There were times, when our relationship was as close to perfect as any relationship could be; however, there were just as many times in which both of us were struggling with misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

 

On the other hand, New Guy and I have that kind of relationship in which there was almost immediate chemistry. Everything about our relationship is easy and natural. When I am with him, there is a sense of peace and belonging that I never felt with Kenneth (or anyone else, for that matter). I often feel guilty about that, as if I am somehow betraying Kenneth and turning my back on him. Then I remember how badly he wanted me to live and love again, and that knowledge allows me to fully appreciate the happiness and the perfect fit that I have with my New Guy.

[MissinGrizz]

My chapter two was calling us "family" long before I felt that. I was also with DH for over two decades, so it was foreign for a long time. He was a perfect pusher . . . not too much . . . gave me time and space . . . but enough that I didn't run away and hide under a rock.

 

I didn't start seeing him until after two years out, which helped. Still, we've been together just shy of three years, married one, and it only started not to feel "foreign" a few months ago. I'm finally fully there. This feels like my life. I still love and miss my Grizz, but my current life feels like the right fit that I get and feel part of. 

 

Give yourself time.