5 years. wtf

[duckie]

The last time I posted on a board it was ywbb.  I see some familiar faces so I must be in the right place.

 

It'll be 5 years very soon.  It's difficult to wrap my head around and I'm having a bit of a tough time lately.  I've managed to rebuild an amazing career in the last 4 years but I've neglected my personal life.  I find I'm living an old woman's life at the age of 36.  I recently got a new kitten and had a proud parental moment with the older cat until I realized how very pathetic it was!

 

He would have been 40 this year.  I'm now older than he'll ever be.  It's gotten to the point where people think I really should move on but I'm still completely and hopelessly in love with a dead man.  I'm starting to suspect we may have had a rather co-dependant relationship.

 

Just wanted to be among some folk who get it as I'm starting to feel like an alien again.  (p.s. thanks to whoever set this up - it was a shock going to ywbb and seeing it gone.  That place was such a life-saver that first year).

[Wheelerswife]

Hi, duckie...and welcome back.

 

It will soon be 6 years since I lost my first husband and it has been over 19 months since I lost my second husband.  I've reached the age that my first husband was at when he died, too.  I'm working on building a second career and somehow I function in many ways, but it is more like I am pulling myself through the necessary steps, hoping that somewhere along the line, I will find a way to be truly happy again.  I have some friends, but more acquaintances, really.  Most of the people I call friends live quite far from me and I have to rely on phone calls and long distance travel to see the people I relate to best. 

 

I like your alien analogy...I really feel like an alien amongst most of the people I know where I live.  In many ways they accept me this way, but I'm still different and don't fit in fully.  I guess I've learned to accept that reality.

 

Some day, I'd like to find true happiness again.  I found it after losing my first husband, so it has to be possible again, right?  I hope so, but I'm still in love with a dead man, too.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

 

 

[duckie]

Oh Maureen, I am so sorry.  I believe the last time we "spoke" you were mourning your first husband and here you are having gone through the unthinkable yet again.  I absolutely can't imagine having had to do that again within the last 5 years.  My heart is breaking for you.

[CJF]

Hi Duckie,

 

Glad to see you found your way here!  We are around the same time line and I feel much the same way you do.  I feel like I have neglected my personal life while making sure everyone around me (especially my kids) are okay.  At almost five years I think I am now ready to start figuring out the rest of my life, but its definitely not easy and I absolutely get the "feeling like an alien" comment!  I suppose we all feel that way alot of the times.  I hope you get through this rough patch and that finding your way back here helps you.

 

CJF 

[cmf]

Hi Duckie

I was just thinking about you the other day, and now here you are. I've had the same 5 years wtf moments myself. Today marks 5 years since the memorial service. It is a total mind f***. I have no idea have 5 years have gone by for any of us. The kitten is adorable, I'm sure. I've never thought much about moving on, but rather living forward. It sounds as though you are doing that, just not in the way that other people expect or maybe want for you. It is your path and if you feel like a change is in order then move in that direction, but if you're happy/content with the life you've made for yourself from the ashes then enjoy what you have and be proud of yourself for coming so far.

 

All the best.

 

 

 

___________________________

VDS 11/8/59-8/22/10

[Mizpah]

Hi love!  You're not pathetic.  I can relate to the thinking in retrospect that you may have had a co-dependent relationship.  It makes me wonder - can a co-dependent relationship be super healthy?  I say yes, until one of the people dies.  My DH and I were obsessed and so happy and had such good influences on each other and each other's lives.  There were no bad sides to the co-dependency, if that's what it was, until he was dead.  (It also makes a new relationship with a lot more space/distance and independence feel lacking, which is an adjustment that hurts.)  Anyway!  I forced myself to date before I was ready.  It's generally seen as a bad idea, but for me it was a good step.  Almost a fake it til you make it thing, but I didn't fake it - I was totally straightforward about my complete emotional unavailability.  But it helped me reenter the social/romantic world.  I don't know if that's right for you, or anyone, but it really helped me.  I'm thinking of you.  I'm sorry you're feeling stuck.  You're not pathetic!!!!  You're awesome.  You're reassembling your life in the time and in the order that is best for you.  You should be proud. 

[Guest sunshinedaydreamz]

WTF is right !

Where did the time go?

[duckie]

cmf, you must have heard me thinking about you as I've checked out this board here and there before finally posting!  Hearing from you all again makes me a bit teary but in a happy way this time at least!  I see some of you and my other widow friends on facebook and it's crazy how we've all gone on living our lives but still have all this underneath.  It's definitely comforting to know I'm still not alone in this! Thanks guys.

[BrokenHeart2]

Thank-you to all of you!  At 2 yrs 3 months I now don't feel so out of touch. This sure is a crazy mindf..k of a time.

[RemysWife]

Hi Duckie,

 

I remember you from YWBB and I'm glad to see you found your way to the new board. Sometimes, it really does help to come back.

 

Other people's expectations about "moving on" may not be the same as what you need/want and that's ok. You need to be true to yourself. I think the best we can do is continue to move forward. And I define "forward" as moving towards happiness. Only you can know what will bring you happiness.

 

I'm at almost 4 years and I'm still a work in progress. I tried dating, decided my skin wasn't thick enough, and realized that right now that's not something that will add to my happiness. Do I spend too much time cuddling on the couch with my dog? Probably, but who cares? He loves me, and he's super cute. I bet your kitten is too.   

 

This is a tough road, and sometimes other people can put way too much extra pressure on us. Hang in there.

[Beyondlife]

5 yrs in October.  Yep, still in love with a dead man

[rifatheroffour]

Hi love!  You're not pathetic.  I can relate to the thinking in retrospect that you may have had a co-dependent relationship.  It makes me wonder - can a co-dependent relationship be super healthy?  I say yes, until one of the people dies.  My DH and I were obsessed and so happy and had such good influences on each other and each other's lives.  There were no bad sides to the co-dependency, if that's what it was, until he was dead.

 

This exactly!  And welcome back. I'm in love with a dead woman but hope to find a live one too! Variety...lol!

[pms1954]

Its really good to read these posts. I am close to the 6 year mark (at Christmas), and having a really hard time. I'm not sure why. It helps to see I'm not the only one that still struggle at this. Its a little hard for me to think I still can feel this much pain this far out. When Jim passed away one of the hardest things was thinking how long I could be left here without him. I remember making a "deal" with God in my head. Since Jim was 5 yrs older than me, I could stick out 5 years after, because that would be fair. Of course at the time I knew there would be a good chance I'd have to re-negotiate that when the time came. My birthday is this month and I have to wonder if maybe the fact I'm still here facing the same quesion is affecting me.

 

I wish this didn't have to be so hard.

[BrokenHeart2]

At 2.5 yrs out I'm still so I love with him. Ouch how can this be. He left me

2.5yrs ago. I'm pissed off and just want him sooooo bad.

Ugh widowhood.

[duckie]

I just got back into town yesterday after a week away to get a change of scenery for "the week from hell".  The day itself started out so difficult but, after the exact hour had passed, the heaviness lifted.  I hadn't planned on it, but I was on the phone with his mom during the exact moment and, when I realized it afterwards, it seemed so appropriate. 

 

I saw this year just how much that day affects me when, two days later, I had completely forgotten it was my birthday until I saw a video on facebook of my 3-year nephew.  It was the cutest thing so the realization this year, for the first time, did not scream "deathday" to me instead.  I then spent the day making a childhood dream come true seeing a major equestrian event in person that I watch on tv every year.  Funny thing is, this wasn't planned at all.  I was originally going to spend the week with my MIL but we both realized later that we probably would just make each other miserable.  I then made plans to visit my best friend who had just moved to Alberta a few weeks ago.  One night, a couple weeks before I left, just as I was falling asleep, I had the sudden realization: "Wait a minute; the Masters are on in September in Calgary...".  I went to check and lo-and-behold, it's on the same week I'd be in Edmonton.  Plus it was the venue's 40th anniversary so they really went all out and the experience was even more incredible than I could have ever imagined!

 

During the very brief time of his illness, a friend of my mother's, a cancer-survivor, had me write a list of where I saw myself in 5 years.  Of course none of that has come to pass and, for quite a while after his death, I was resentful of her for that.  I'd been dreading reaching this marker.  Now that it's here, it's not so bad after all and he'd be so proud of what I've accomplished.  Even that same friend of my mom has since become my stained glass teacher as, about two years ago, she me the entirety of her studio.  She has arthritis and she wanted to pass the torch onto another artist.  I'm now saving up for a kiln to do painted glass and maybe even get back into ceramics.

 

I got a lovely message while I was away on here and she said something that I think a lot of us here at "beyond active grieving" can relate to.  She said, "you are obviously not here because you are 100% happy, nor am I, but it is nice to see an old face. We've been through so much".  While the life I'm currently leading isn't exactly what others may want for me, you all remind me of the different standards by which we now live.  It's certainly validating to realize I'm actually doing pretty darn well. We have all been through so much.

 

Thanks, guys, for helping me through this marker. It really wasn't so bad after all.  And now to face another year... who knows what will happen next!