Request from New Guy....What would you do?

[calimom]

Anniegirl has some very astute observations, sometimes the hardest questions are the best ones.  Something that stands out for me, after reading the post about your move and how difficult it was that you lost weight and were almost hospitalized was the fact that your new guy made the suggestion you leave everything behind. He was content to sit on the sidelines and didn't do what other men might do - show up with a truck, help you sort and pack and set up your new home with needed items from your previous life.  It turned out not so good for you and not so good for your landlord (a woman who showed your generosity by forgiving rent owed) but if his idea for you was not to sleep or sit on anything Kenneth had slept or sat on, he got his wish.

 

From what you've said, he's a wonderful guy, and has shown you a new way to live, and those are good things.  Still, I'd be cautious of anyone telling me what to do, or who I was allowed to be friends with, either IRL or on social media.  From your posts you appear to be a kind and very caring person, and you always show support for others.  You've made a challenging move, and are in a new home in a new town with a new job and are already making friends.  That says a lot about you.

 

There sometimes seems to be a general way of thinking here that new relationships post widowhood are so, so challenging, that it's just par for the course.  I don't really agree that it needs to be that way.  There are all kinds of examples that prove otherwise, whether the new relationship is with another widowed or divorced or previously single person.  It really truly does not have to be so hard.  Honor the past, live in the present, and look toward the future.

 

Having said all that, I wish you only the best, icoxwell, and hope you continue to be the valued member here that you are.  People here need you as much as you need them.

[SimiRed]

lcoxwell,

 

I stopped visiting here when I was with the now x... I can tell you that it won't happen again.  If anyone cannot accept my past or my friends, then I won't be with them.  I like what calimom said, " Honor the past, live in the present, and look toward the future."

 

People here I consider my "friends", they helped me through trying times in my life, and never, ever, ever will anyone not allow me to not remember my late DH.  Moving forward does not mean I have to forget him. 

 

If I were asked to step away from something that is meaningful or helpful to me, I would seriously consider walking away.  But that's me, and I got stuck in a bad situation and have learned some life lessons that may never heal.  After almost 6 years, this group is like "family" to me, it's not a competition, if someone I was with was threatened by friends here, then I'd look harder into who he is. 

 

Do what your gut tells you to do, how do YOU feel about it.  Put his feelings aside for a moment and think of yourself, the one thing I need to learn and am working on is to not allow others feelings to change who I am or my decisions. 

 

Be in touch with your own feelings and needs.  Needs may be basic and nonnegotiable, such as food, clothing, shelter, etc.  They may be less basic but of primary importance to you, such as living near your family, having a room of your own, and having your friends here.  Decide, on the basis of YOUR needs and feelings, where do you want to set your boundaries.  Don't change who you are, don't deny something of importance to yourself.  Try to maintain a healthy balance, explain how it's not about being a "widow", it's about friendships you have established here.

 

We all tend to get so caught up in the small details of everyday life that we lose sight of what's important and what's happening around us.  It's like being able to see the forest thru the trees.  Only YOU can know what is right for you, do what you "feel" is right.  Let go of what he feels at the moment, how does it make you really feel to walk away from here? 

[serpico]

And perhaps he needs to know - given that he is very private - that you aren't discussing him or your relationship in a public forum where anyone can read it.

 

But isn't that exactly what is being done?

 

And as a point of clarification, I re-read the OP and still haven't found anything about this guy 'telling' her to do anything.  He asked.  That is a huge difference.

[anniegirl]

There sometimes seems to be a general way of thinking here that new relationships post widowhood are so, so challenging, that it's just par for the course.

 

This is a very good point.

 

 

[Trying]

I think only lcoxwell knows the tone of his request and we are all adding our own bias to our responses, which is how we approach all responses basically. 

 

In my very humble opinion, I think that everyone has insecurities, especially in a new and growing relationship.  As a partner we need to be sensitive to these insecurities, respond kindly, reflect if our own behavior is contributing to our partners insecurities, modify behavior as needed, provide reassurance, and compromise only when it is not at a detrimental cost to ourselves. 

 

You left your home, job, and possessions to be with new guy, which to an outsider, indicates you are not holding onto your past.  If you want to hold onto relationships here that ground you and support you I think that's healthy.  We only know what you have shared with us about new guy, which has been all positive.  I don't think we should assume he didn't offer physical help with the move, I didn't allow my  new guy to help too much with my purging and packing but I have asked him for help getting things done around the new place. He would've helped me all along the way if I let him.

 

Lots of opinions here to consider but I think everyone really just wants you to be happy and healthy.

[anniegirl]

As a partner we need to be sensitive to these insecurities, respond kindly, reflect if our own behavior is contributing to our partners insecurities, modify behavior as needed, provide reassurance, and compromise only when it is not at a detrimental cost to ourselves.

 

 

Another good point.

[Bunny]

My boyfriend has expressed curiosity as to why I still come here, especially since I rarely post anymore. I explained that I was emotionally invested with many of the people on here (especially from my timeframe). And that I still feel the need to read others' experiences, as it helps me in both my relationship with him and with any issues I might still have regarding my late husband. We jokingly call this board my Widow Facebook.

 

Positive and loving self-care is the best gift we can give to our partners, I think. It allows us to be our very best with them, so it's to their benefit that we seek whatever help we might need to be emotionally healthy and present in our current lives. What I need from this board, what I get from it now, is very different than it was in the beginning, but it's still mportant to me.

 

I do understand your boyfriend might be feeling insecure, but it does seem you've been showing him with your actions that you are committed to living in the present with him. Widowhood is unique in that our relationships ended without the typical 'break up' most people have at the end of a relationship. I'm guessing this can feel just plain weird and confusing to others, can seem like we are 'dwelling' in the past by continuing to 'hang out' on the Internet with other wids. I get that. How to explain the pull...the closest I can think of is soldiers who have been to war- you are bonded by the battles you've fought together, by the losses as well as the victories, and you now share a secret language that still needs to be a part of your vocabulary.

[Guest TooSoon]

How to explain the pull...the closest I can think of is soldiers who have been to war- you are bonded by the battles you've fought together, as well as the victories, and you now share a secret language that still needs to be a part of your vocabulary.

 

This is a GREAT metaphor.  I lived for three intense years in North Africa and while those I shared that experience with have gone on to do all sorts of different things and live all over the world, I still need them so that I can get in touch with that part of me, an experience that helped to shape and inform almost every choice I have subsequently made.  And not coincidentally, I think, they've been some of the most understanding and loyal of friends since Scott died.  We are vested in one another's well being as we shared an intense, life altering experience together that others can never truly understand.  I feel the same way about this place and the people it has brought into my life - I am invested in a similar way.  Perfect, Bunny. 

[Guest sunshinedaydreamz]

Response regarding "he hasn't told you but asked". This in my mind contradicts, "as long as I'm coming here, he views it as not being ready for a committed relationship".

 

This to me would be alarming.

You've said so much good about him, and if he knew that, it should have made him think how lucky he is, to have found you.

Instead it's you're not ready ?

You moved, gave up your home, and came to be with him.

 

It would just be concerning that this is a first step to a controlling relationship.

Should his friends immediately be your friends ? Do you give up yours ?

 

Please pardon me as I fully may not be understanding underlying details, but am reading at face value.

This would concern me.

[lcoxwell]

Thank you all for such wonderful and caring advice. Trying was right. New Guy did offer to provide some assistance with sorting, purging, and packing. I turned him down for two reasons: 1) He was severely allergic to the dogs I had at the time and would have had breathing difficulties, severe enough to need an inhaler, had I let him help, and 2) I initially didn't want anyone else, but me, to go through Kenneth's things. I had already decided to donate all the furniture, not because New Guy asked, but because I wanted a fresh start. His suggestion to leave things behind and pay to have someone haul them off came only after he saw the physical toll the move was taking on me. He did not make the suggestion, because he expected me to erase Kenneth from my life. Additionally, he helped me pay for hiring someone to empty the house, after I was gone.

 

I am going to have to take some more time, before I truly make a decision. I plan to talk to him more, as well. He is not an unreasonable man. He just doesn't understand the importance of this site and the people here, and he is worried that my need to be here is an indication that I am not as ready to move forward in our relationship as I think. If I try to look at things from his perspective, I guess I could see why this bothers him and why he made the request. He hasn't been in my shoes, and doesn't understand that being here is not necessarily a sign of being unable to move forward. If our roles were reversed, I might feel the same way he does.

[lcoxwell]

Sunshinedaydreamz, truthfully, the situation is not about him trying to control what I do or who I am friends with. I think, simply put, it is just a situation of him misunderstanding the reasons I come here and the importance of this site, in part, because he isn't a widower and can't completely relate (though he tries to understand), and in part, because he doesn't get how people can develop bonds and friendships over the internet with people they've never met in real life.

 

I may steal bunny's description, when I talk to him again. He doesn't get the internet connection, but he might understand to soldier angle.

[Guest mawidow]

I love the war buddies analogy. And if a new partner assumes that my coming here is a sign that I am still processing my past, well, that's correct. If I were to force myself to stop coming here, it would not make me miraculously done with processing. It would just mean I was repressing my actual needs.

 

Sending support all around.

[Guest nonesuch]

Any time anyone post anything about living with his or her grief and finding happiness, it helps my heart and likely others as well. So for me, continuing to share when things are better is a way to pay back some of that support most of us got when things were so very raw, impossible, and hopeless. I suspect he may view this board as a tether that is holding you back, but for me, the board has always been a tool to keep me moving forward.

 

If one belongs to AA, the task is not always complete when one achieves sobriety.  Some feel called to sponsor others in their journey. That's how I view a board like this.  If everyone was just raw emotions, it would be like the blind leading the blind, wouldn't it? 

 

 

 

[lcoxwell]

As you all can see, I have decided that, for now, I am not going to step away from the board. New Guy is trying to understand, and I cannot fault him for not truly getting why I feel the need to be here. Maybe there will come a time, when I no longer feel the need to be here as often. Maybe I will reach a point in time, when I can comfortably walk away completely. Right now, though, I still need to be an active part of this community, if for no other reason, than because I now live in a place where no one even knows my Kenneth ever existed, except New Guy. If I didn't come here, I would have no place in which I could comfortably talk about him, except to New Guy; and I don't think it is healthy for a new relationship to always be talking about one's deceased spouse.

 

In the meantime, I am doing what I can to try and ease New Guy's discomfort and to acknowledge his feelings. I am not hiding that I am continuing to visit the board and to be an active participant. At the same time, I am not advertising it, either. Realistically, I think New Guy knows that I truly love him and that I want to build my life with him. I think, in time, he will see that I am not mired in my past or holding on to a relationship that cannot exist anymore. In time, I think New Guy's insecurity and fear,s in this one area of our relationship, will fade away, as he and I continue to move forward in our relationship together, and as we continue to make plans for a future together.

[Lisa]

He does not understand because he is lucky enough to not be in our shoes. He cant know but he can accept.  That is the loving thing to do.

[Bear Tomás]

I don't take orders well so would tell him "fuck off" but that is me. 

[BrokenHeart2]

Awe Bear, that sound a tad crusty!  Lol

[Guest sunshinedaydreamz]

He may sound crusty but he's got s rather cool beard : /