Request from New Guy....What would you do?

[lcoxwell]

It has been almost a year and a half, since my Kenneth died. For just over a year, I have been happily involved in a relationship with a wonderful man, who has been there with me, and for me, every step of the way in the grieving process. He has allowed me to grieve, given me time and patience, held me as I cried, and loved me unconditionally. He knows just when to be supportive, and he knows when to give me space. He is my rock. I could not have asked for a more perfect partner in life.

 

In the beginning, New Guy had no problem with me spending my time here, on this site. Recently, though, he made the request that I step away from the board and stop coming here to read and to post. In his mind, my coming here to read and post means that I am still holding on to my past life with Kenneth. He worries that as long as I am coming here, I am not fully ready to move forward and commit my life to him. New Guy feels that my coming here means others continue to see me as Kenneth's wife and as a widow, rather than as the woman who loves him and wants to build a life with him. From his perspective, as long as I am coming here, he is sharing me with Kenneth, and he doesn't want to share anymore. To him, I am now starting a new life, and he believes I should not feel the need to come here anymore.

 

The reality is, I don't visit this site, because I feel the need for support, at least most of the time. On the other hand, I feel a special bond with the people here, who helped me pick up the pieces of my life and gave me the understanding that people in my real life could not give. I am grateful to have you all in my life; and I have the desire to encourage those, who are new in this journey, and to return the support I have been given. I've tried to explain why I come here in a way that he will understand; but as perfectly wonderful as he has been, for some reason he cannot grasp the idea that I can fully love him and still want the bonds I have formed with the widows/widowers here to continue.

 

I am torn. I truly do not want to walk away from this site and all of you, who have become so near and dear to my heart. At the same time, I want to respect his feelings, particularly since he asks very little of me. That being said, if you were in my shoes, what would you do? Have any of your new significant others asked you to step away from this site or made similar requests? If so, how did you handle it?

[smm]

My apologies for being blunt in my reply, I'm afraid I have a headache and am not functioning properly but needed to ask ...

 

You have built up friendships with people on here through shared experiences, and you genuinely care for them as friends (older friends and new friends who join us here). You want to stay in touch and support others who join.

 

I can see how New Guy may feel like he is competing with Kenneth but the fact is - Kenneth is not here, he is - and there is no competition to fight.

 

To be honest, I view anybody who tells you who you are allowed as friends to be controlling and potentially emotionally manipulative. If you made widow friends in real-life rather than online, would he be trying to stop you going for coffee with them? Does he really understand how manipulative and controlling he is being, by deciding who you are allowed to be friends with?

 

Just my opinion, of course, and it's entirely possible he would be horrified to think that's how he was behaving. I just have a severe dislike of emotional manipulation. Others are always welcome to disagree with me and I look forward to the other replies.

[Trying]

I think it is very difficult for someone who hasn't been through what we have been through to understand how much the support we receive and give here means to us.  Your new guy sounds like a wonderful and understanding man from all that you have described in your posts for the past year. 

 

I would not give up any positive relationship because of someone else's insecurity.  If you find that your relationships here are positive then continue.  He doesn't have to understand it to accept it but he should accept it.

 

My new guy knows about this site, occasionally I might share some advice I received here but I don't talk about it a lot with him.  I don't think he really understands why all of you are important to me but he wouldn't tell me not to come here.  My relationships with my fellow Wids takes nothing away from him, I see it as a value to him because it makes me a better me.

 

[Sugarbell]

For about a year...I gave up this site because the guy I was involved with didn't like it. When he caught me on here he would throw a fit...he felt threatened....It was also an emotionally abusive relationship and I was stoned outta my mind at the time or I never would've allowed him to tell me what to do.

 

Even at 8 yrs out...I still find this place helpful in regards to suicide stuff/issues and solo parenting. Some of these folks I have "known" for half a decade or more. I love the quote "You must love in such a way that the other person feels free"

 

My NG knows about this site. He doesn't blink an eye. Doesn't ask questions, nothing. He knows it's my private space....But his Mom was widowed when he was 7 and had a house full of kids to raise...So he gets the widow walk (as close as possible without actually losing a spouse to death-but he saw his Mom go through it).

 

My advice?? Do what you want to do. Period.

[Guest Mel4072]

If he is asking you to come here less often, that's different than asking you to not visit the board at all. There have been times I wondered if I was doing more harm than good with all my reading and support following loss. When almost everything I read was about death and loss, it became depressing. Good luck. Maybe your friendships can expand beyond the forum and he will feel more comfortable?

[Guest TooSoon]

 

 

This may not be what you want to hear but your post makes all of my bells ring and whistles blow.  Did you not just pack up your life to relocate to be near him?  That is a major life transition in the midst of grieving (and yes, we still grieve).    Do you have your own friends where he lives?  Where will you find the support you need if you do not and you no longer visit this site?   

 

In the end, only you can decide what is right for you but I would caution that it is slippery slope....if you need the support you find here for your own recovery and well-being then you need to say so.  Of course, the site will always be here and there is always Facebook and Skype and email and the good old fashioned telephone so you can give it a shot and come back when/if you need to or find other avenues of support but look very carefully at WHY you are making the choice you ultimately make - make sure it is because it is what YOU want.

 

 

[Guest sunshinedaydreamz]

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[Carey]

I tend to agree with the others here. There is no threat. He is here alive and well in the flesh.  I maybe would not talk about the board a lot with/around him, but I don't think I'd like being told that I had to walk away from the people on the wall who were there through the good the bad and the downright freakishly scary.  It just doesn't sound like a fair request.  Like another person said, if we were there in town in person, would he still ask you to step back?  Not to mention Kenneth will always be a part of you, you will always love him and this is a good place to express that love and remember and think of him, so it IS expressed here and separate, as it were, from your NG relationship.  Do you talk a lot about widda? Or is it really just he sees you reading and gets upset about it?

[hachi]

From his perspective, as long as I am coming here, he is sharing me with Kenneth, and he doesn't want to share anymore.

 

 

This is the part that bothered me, and I hope they are your words, not his, because if they were his, my response to that would be "well, I don't want him to be dead anymore. However, the fact is, he is dead. Another fact is, he will continue to be a part of my life until I am dead. Maybe not the biggest part, but a part, nonetheless. " 

 

One of the things my daughter was worried about with my New Guy was whether or not he was genuine in his understanding and support. "Anyone can be on their best behavior til they get what they want." were her words. As time has passed, I have trusted him more, not less with my feelings. He knows about this site, and often I read him things that I find interesting and that I think will give him perspective. He would no more ask me to walk away from it than he would ask me to walk away from my children or any other part of my life.

 

I hope that you can get through this together, and reach a resolution that makes your relationship stronger without sacrificing part of yourself.

 

 

[momtokam]

I too find his request troubling. You did just make a major move to be closer to him. Does this not show him your commitment to him and your  relationship and to moving forward?

 

Kenneth will always be a part of your life, board or no board. You will always be Kenneth's widow, board or no board. You will always share a part of your heart with Kenneth, board or no board.

 

Will these things keep you from building your life with new guy?

Of course not!

 

For me, this board is not always about looking back and helping with grieving, it's also about moviing forward and letting go in many ways.

 

Honestly, I'm just so sorry you have been put in this position.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[serpico]

I know that pretty much all advise on here is well-meaning, but I think it's time we take a breath before we blast non-widows for not treating us like we treat each other, which is with kid gloves.  Just because this guy brought it up doesn't mean he is 'deciding who you are allowed to be friends with'.  It sounds to me like he made a request - nothing more and nothing less - and the OP has every right to politely respond one way or another.

 

My girlfriend recently told me how difficult it is to date a widower, and she went into great detail.  It wasn't fun to listen to, but it's her reality and so I wanted to hear it.  And I know she'd rather I take down some pictures of my deceased wife - but she also knows that I'll do it on a timeline that I think is best for me and the kids.  And if she asked me to stop visiting Widda I would politely explain why I come here and what I get out of it, but I wouldn't get upset at her asking.

 

We aren't that fragile, really.

[lcoxwell]

Thank you all for such wonderful and thoughtful responses. I should clarify that my New Guy is a remarkable man, who has been supportive in every way. He doesn't make demands or tell me what I can and cannot do. As a few of you mentioned, it was a request, not a demand, and it was made because he was honest in saying it bothered him that I come here so often.

 

In truth, there was a time when I did a kamcho does. I would come here and read and share parts with him, so he could understand my reality. I don't do that any more, but I also do not hide the fact that I come here. He and I have a very open and honest relationship, and I do not keep things from him.

 

Here is the thing: Like everyone else, he has a few insecurities (not many, but a few). His request came from feeling insecure about one part of our relationship. My thoughts are, I do not want to step away from the board and the people I feel I have come to care about so deeply; however, I truly love him. What kind of person would I be, if I didn't give consideration to his feelings, when he has been there for me and helped me through some of my darkest days?

[Jess]

I've read your original question and read everyone's responses. I think all of the responses show how much people care for you here and want the best for you. That said, while I initially had a reaction more in line with some of the more cautioning responses, what Serpico said really resonated with me and made me alter my point a view a bit.

 

I remember thinking early out "Who in the hell would want anyone like me now?" I knew that it would be a rare person that could handle the fact that I would always love LH and more than that, I would always be his widow. I didn't have any way of knowing at the time I pondered that how it would even be possible to love someone else, but with time I learned the answer that my heart could grow to love someone while keeping LH's place in my heart as his own. I think for someone that is not widowed, this is hard to understand.

 

Finding new love doesn't erase grief and is not a panacea, as much as I think we all wish it could be. The struggles continue, but more than that, the struggles change to take on new kinds of widow issues such as balancing your new love and your grief. Needing the support of your peers as you move forward is something he may not understand, which is okay, but you can explain that to him.

 

I have always seen this board and its predecessor as not only a place to vent the raw feelings of new grief, but it also a place to grow together and move towards hope so one day, someone brand new to this can read and see that it is possible. Any time anyone post anything about living with his or her grief and finding happiness, it helps my heart and likely others as well. So for me, continuing to share when things are better is a way to pay back some of that support most of us got when things were so very raw, impossible, and hopeless. I suspect he may view this board as a tether that is holding you back, but for me, the board has always been a tool to keep me moving forward.

 

Ultimately, it is up to you what you need to do, but I think that you would do yourself a disservice to not sit and talk to him about why you are torn about not posting and try to get him to understand. He may or may not understand it, but if he can understand it is important to you maybe that is enough.

[anniegirl]

My husband - who is widowed and who was a member of the YWBB where we met - went through a stage of not wanting me to come to the boards. He felt that it anchored me a bit too much in the past and that even though most of what I was doing was just encouraging and sharing experiences with other that it was weighing on our relationship and it wasn't healthy for me.

 

I was annoyed because I had made some friends who I liked and who I had more in common with than just being widowed and I didn't want to lose touch with them. And I liked helping people.

 

This was "back in the day" before Facebook but many of us had blogs and used them to keep in touch and update each other, so as I did have that - so I decided to step back from the board. Eventually FB was where most of us landed and we are friends there still and I didn't really lose touch with anyone.

 

Why did I step away? Because my husband was upset. Maybe irrationally but he's also the person who knows me almost better than I know myself sometimes and he can see when something is taxing/overwhelming me even when I don't always.

 

He never told me I had to do anything. He just told me what he saw and how he felt.

 

We were just married and newly living under the same roof. There was a lot going on in real life that needed me and us on the same page.

 

I don't think your NG is being selfish or that his feelings about wanting to be your number one are anything other than totally human. No one wants to share the person they love. Everyone wants to be first in their lover's heart. Nothing strange about that.

 

It's hard and discouraging to feel that you are competing, whether that's the reality or not.

 

There shouldn't be an either/or - although sometimes that can't be avoided - so my suggestion is that you sit down and explain to him that you have friendships here that are dear to you and that you plan to keep. These friendships developed because you lost Kenneth but they now exist quite separately from that event. All friendships start somewhere and yours just happened to start here.

 

And you need to get to the root of his feelings about sharing you. The reality is that he isn't but reality means nothing when people are upset and possibly afraid. It might not be a fun conversation but it sounds like it needs to be had.

 

I had a similar conversation with my husband about his LW b/c I got to a point where I couldn't hear one more story about how wonderful she was and how everyone loved her and the world was a darker place without her.

 

He was shocked. He hadn't meant to convey her as perfect.  So perfect that I would feel so much less than (and let me add that in no way did his actions or words to me convey anything about love and respect). From that point on, he started referencing her less (that's a normal thing anyway by the way) but he would share also the not so wonderful and perfectly normal differences they had too. And he reassured me that she was human and didn't fart rainbows.

 

Look, this is a bump. Relationships have them. You will need to find some mutual middle ground (perhaps move some of your friendship to FB if you haven't already), confine Widboard visits to times when he isn't around and do some reassuring.

 

I don't think his request is heinous or even unusual. His feelings are normal. Your feelings are normal. Somewhere in all that normal is a solution that's mutually agreeable.

 

I saw your post in BAG. I think you are there too. Just remember though that shit still comes up - like this - and it's part of the forward progression.

 

I am glad you are settled and feeling better.

[MrsT85]

I remember thinking early out "Who in the hell would want anyone like me now?" I knew that it would be a rare person that could handle the fact that I would always love LH and more than that, I would always be his widow.

...

Finding new love doesn't erase grief and is not a panacea, as much as I think we all wish it could be. The struggles continue, but more than that, the struggles change to take on new kinds of widow issues such as balancing your new love and your grief. Needing the support of your peers as you move forward is something he may not understand, which is okay, but you can explain that to him.

 

I was going to write up something along the lines of what Jess posted, but I honestly don't think I could improve upon her words.  My Tim has been gone almost 2.5 years now and I've been engaged to my NG since Christmas, but I still often find myself soliciting the collective advice of this board and wanting to hear others' stories or share my own.  There's really no way for me to "leave behind" the "Tim's widow" part of my life (even if I wanted to, which I don't!) and leaving this board behind would only hinder my ability to deal with new and unexpected facets of this journey because I wouldn't have the support you all provide. 

 

My NG knows I'm still on widda.  When YWBB shut down earlier in the year, it was him I turned to when I was melting down.  I think he realizes how valuable you all are and how much you all can help in the one area of my life he neither understands nor can empathize with.  I suspect he appreciates you all for giving me an outlet too...

[Mizpah]

I feel a special bond with the people here, who helped me pick up the pieces of my life and gave me the understanding that people in my real life could not give. I am grateful to have you all in my life; and I have the desire to encourage those, who are new in this journey, and to return the support I have been given.

 

I would write this down, and give it to him written.  If he can't understand the bonds of friendship and the concept of paying things forward, I think he needs to be nudged (forced?) to.  What would I do?  I wouldn't lose a relationship that was amazing over... almost anything.  But I wouldn't give it up.  My boyfriend/BabyDaddy once told a friend (not me) that it's hard for him being with me, because of the love I have for DH.  And he's a widower.  I think we need to give our partners as great a latitude of understanding as they do in being with us.  It's NOT easy (I know this because he's a widower and it's just not easy to think about his past life and think about how happy he was and that I'm some consolation prize that he never wanted, that he'd rather be with her - that's not the whole story, but I'd be lying to myself if I said it wasn't true in a respect). 

 

Anyway.  I have widow friends I met on YWBB who I now see in real life.  Some of them have new partners and children.  Often we don't even TALK about our DHs.  Or we'll just refer to it in a sick widow way ("ouch, I stubbed my toe." "oh, poor you, that's just like the time my husband died").  The biggest thing we do for each other is cheer each other on in progress.  But it's permanent.  DH is dead forever.  He should live longer than me.  So the grief is forever, even when it takes on other forms than longing and yearning.  If your boyfriend thinks you're stuck, that's one thing, but not wanting you to associate with certain people - I don't know.  If it takes away your time and attention from, say, fun adventures he's trying to have with you, or if you're sitting at the dinner table talking to us instead of him, but I have a feeling that's not what's going on.  I try to see jealousy as a compliment. 

 

I'm babbling.  I left YWBB a bit earlier than a year out.  I came back about a year ago.  BECAUSE my life had "moved on" - I have a daughter who's a bit over a year.  I live with her father and love him fully and completely.  Why do I come back?  Widows are some of the strongest, most inspiring, kindest people I've ever been unlucky enough to know.  It's good company.  You don't just get loss, you get humanity, you get maturity, you understand what matters in life.  The best pocket people in the world!  You should let him read all these responses.  (Is that a breach of your privacy?  Maybe.)  My widow friends and I are each other's new partners' biggest fans.  When they deserve it

[Guest sunshinedaydreamz]

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[Melbar]

You know, I think it's important to consider any request like this with the person as a whole.  If he is a wonderful, supportive guy who has never been controlling in any way, and this just genuinely makes him feel uncomfortable, I would be inclined to do whatever makes the person I love feel better. I would never want my BF to feel second in any way. 

 

I will add a however to this... I would not drop the friends you've made here.  Let him know you will still be in touch with them through email/Facebook/phone calls, whatever.  If he's uncomfortable with the "widow board" aspect, then he should be okay with that.  If it's a control issue, and he can't understand friendships with people who have shared a mutual traumatic experience as big as yours, I would find that to be a red flag. 

 

**I am editing this to add one more thought -- perhaps what is really bothering him is that this board also includes widowers.  I could actually understand that more.

[Guest sunshinedaydreamz]

With all respect would that not fall into the category of jealousy ?

Those in loving relationships run into people of the opposite sex shopping for groceries.

 

[Mizpah]

I think he doesn't like feeling like he's competing with a dead person.  I know many don't understand the sentiment, but I do.  I'm not proud to admit it, but I'm just gonna be honest - I've certainly had moments where I'm consumed by jealousy of my boyfriend's late fiancee and what they shared, and feel like second best.  Not because I don't think well of myself, but because I know the love I shared with DH, so I can imagine the love they shared. 

 

I think about her all the time.  I think about how perfect they were for each other, I think about his high regard for her, I think about how she was described by everyone as "a ray of sunshine."  You get the picture.  I think we forget sometimes, becuase it's not easy to be a widow(er), but it's not easy to be with a widow(er).  It hurts at times.  It's not irrational run of the mill jealousy or insecurity.  It's highly rational, in my opinion. 

 

His not wanting her to be on the board is one thing, but to not understand the jealousy, I don't know.  It's important to combat it and to live gracefully and maturely with it, but to refuse to recognize that it happens and that it's natural and doesn't necessarily mean someone is insecure.... 

 

For example, I have DH's name tattooed on my body.  Yes, boyfriend has me, my body, shares a life with me, and DH just has his name on me.  Still.  Think.  How would I have felt, pre-widowhood, about being with someone who had someone's name tattooed on their body?  Jealous!  Bothered.  Hurt deep inside somewhere, even if irrational (everyone has a history, etc.). 

 

My point: there's gotta be a balance between standing up for ourselves and our rights and our needs on the one hand, and understanding other perspectives and being sensitive on the other.  Again, as always, I'm babbling.

[Guest sunshinedaydreamz]

Realize I'm not qualified to give advise on something as this.

Hoping things work out for you.

[Euf]

If I try, I could see manipulative, controlling, red flags. But I?m not trying, so mostly I see how difficult it would be to date a widow/widower. Especially if you weren?t widowed.

 

I can see someone wondering why you come back to this place where you went when you husband died and you were hurting and falling apart wanted nothing more than for him to come back.

 

How can anyone understand unless we tell them? Even then, I?m not sure everyone could understand. But you don?t know until you try.

I have never dated since my husband died (9 years ago) so I sure don?t speak from experience. But I would hope that if I found someone new, he would be able to understand that there are connections here.  I would hope that he would be able to understand that a dead husband doesn?t just disappear.  We don?t get to wipe him out of our life as if he never existed.

 

I know that if someone told me that I shouldn?t be here I would not take that well. But he didn?t tell you that.  He doesn?t understand.

So explain it.

 

[MissinGrizz]

Perhaps explain that there is a section for those in new relationships that is helpful and also that you feel you owe it to newbies to offer occasional advice. If you have an open conversation about it, and he still won't budge, that would bother me much more than his being uncomfortable with it does. That's understandable.

 

While I find myself visiting this site privately, that's my hangup, and my new husband wouldn't mind. In fact, two widow friends I met on YWBB come to our new home and were even at our reception (we got married privately but had a post party a couple of weeks after).

 

Of course it's perfectly natural for the new people in our lives to feel a bit jealous or insecure. It must be hard to be with someone who still loves another. I'm very careful to be sure to not compare and to make clear that there are things that I have enough love for them both, and that one isn't better than the other, just different. If you do that, then there is no reason he should feel you must leave this site. Maybe you can come to a compromise of some sort.

 

I hope it goes well.

[lcoxwell]

I suspect he may view this board as a tether that is holding you back, but for me, the board has always been a tool to keep me moving forward.

 

^^^ I think Jess summed the whole situation up perfectly with this one sentence.^^^

 

My New Guy is an incredibly private man, who rarely shares his inner thoughts and feelings with anyone. Because he is such a private man, he never goes on social media sites of any kind. That complicates things, just a bit. He doesn't understand how it is even possible to genuinely care about people I have only met online, because, to him, you are all just names on a computer screen. He doesn't get that it is possible to develop a bond with people, who share a similar trauma, even though I have never met any of you in person. While he realizes that there was a need to come here early on, he doesn't understand why I would still feel the need to continue coming here nearly a year and a half later. Though I try to explain just how much this site, and the people here, mean to me, I just cannot seem to find the right words to make him understand.

 

Since he is such a private man, I know he never would have made the request in the first place, unless this has really been bothering him and weighing on his mind. I am deeply touched that he trusts me enough to open up and tell me how he feels. I truly want to be able to honor his request, because his happiness means everything to me. In my heart of hearts, though, I am simply not ready to take that step, just yet. While I no longer feel the need to be here every single day, sometimes multiple times a day, I am not ready to completely give up the place, and the people, who were there to throw me a life jacket, when I was drowning in grief; and I am not ready to walk away from the opportunities to return some of the caring and support that was once shared with me. Reading and posting here has been instrumental in my journey through grieving and learning to live again, and I continue to draw strength from this site, even now.

 

For the moment, I think I shall keep my time here separate from my time with New Guy. We live in separate homes, so that should be easy enough, for now. Somehow, keeping things separate bothers me, though. It feels like I am hiding something from him, even though that is not really the case. Should he ask, I would tell him I am still coming here to read and to post. Sadly, though, my attempts to avoid throwing it in his face that I cannot do the one thing he has asked of me, have left me feeling as though I am being dishonest. Does that sound crazy?

 

 

[anniegirl]

If it's really bothering you, you should talk with him. After all, he trusted you enough to be honest.

 

Just tell him you're not ready to completely give up the board and even though he doesn't understand virtual friends, you have them and they mean a great deal to you.

 

And perhaps he needs to know - given that he is very private - that you aren't discussing him or your relationship in a public forum where anyone can read it. Or he just needs to reassured that nothing identifying is being shared.

 

Living separately, you can hide your activity but if he finds out? Then what? And you are already uncomfortable with the idea of hiding this. I am uncertain this can end well with him assuming and you not saying.