UGH!! The bus stop moms!

[Eddienhp]

First off let me make this clear that I do not want to offend any stay at home parents. I wish I could be you. This is simply just a rant.

 

First day of school here. I go to bus stop anxiously because I have one special needs child who takes the mini bus and the other goes to the local bus stop. I say hello to everyone then start alert status. The mini bus must pick up at the house. The bus stop is a block away. My eyes dart around wondering which bus is coming first. I also help my son engage with the other boys. I am waiting for the "he talks like that because he has autism but he is really fun. He likes Minecraft. Do you too?"  This is so the kids don't start making fun of my son. The kids moms are right there but they dint even bother to tell their kids to stay off the lawn. They are too busy chatting it up about the after school activities and play dates they are going to have. The ones my kids can't go to because I work and they go to school aftercare. My daughters bus comes first. The bus stop moms take a picture of all the kids except don't bother with my kids. Then they all start walking away without even saying goodbye/good day. I make sure I always say hello to everyone. Kind of awkward  to say goodbye when their backs are to me and they are already 15 feet ahead.

 

I hate the bus stop. Nothing like having it all in your face. We don't belong to the after school social clicks. We don't belong cause I can't afford all the dance/gymnastics/etc classes. We don't get invited to any of their parties or play dates.  We are like invisible to them, especially my son. Everyone loves to ignore him as if he didn't exist. He is such a sweet child. It always hurts to see how a lot of people disregard him.

 

I don't know if it's jealousy because I was supposed to work part time before my husband got diagnosed. Their easy, less stressful life should have been mine. Work for extra money, enjoy  flexibility and a good income, have a spouse help with 2 kids, you can fill in the blanks. Maybe it's because days like this reminds me I have been robbed. Cancer took all that from me plus my children's father. I can't give my kids what they want most; their dad. I never signed up to be a single mom.

 

I hate the bus stop. I don't want to hear the bus stop moms talk about all this stuff. There it is. I've said it. Only 179 days to go for a reprieve.

 

Eileen

 

[keeptrying]

I am a stay at home mom, but I can relate to you. My heart sunk as I read about your son. - But there is a positive side.

  I explained to my kids - in schools, there are the bullies, the jocks, the people who desperately want to be popular.. etc.. - what do you think happens when they are done with school? They get jobs and you work with them and live around them. They don't change. They have their clicks. I've have always seen the "group" of moms that huddle where ever we go, functions, schools, practice. Dressed nice, trying to fit in, be cool, show off and talk about what they "have". - Me, I never cared. I dressed in cut off camos, tshirt and converse. They didn't bother to talk to me because I didn't fit the 'image" and having seven kids, when someone did talk to me after I tried starting a conversation, it always came back to money, and they assumed I didn't have any. Does your husband work? What does he do? -  My husband had a MORE than amazing salary which we lived more than comfortably. I would never let anyone know that though, I just told them what he did and left it at that. I didn't care what they thought, because after the years I realized the people who seemed to have it all, they were all in deep credit card debt and stressed about it, those happy marriages and perfect families? Wives/husbands cheating, or miserable, issues with the kids.. What you see isn't exactly what it is. -

Go up and try to small talk, try it.. if it works, that is great.. If not, do you really want to be a part of that? Let's chat and giggle in our click like high school kids, brag about our salon experience and all the things we bought.. and then we go home and fight with our husbands about finances and scream at our kids.

We are widows, it is terrible and stressful enough.. What would also be terrible is trying to fit in and being part of a group that treats other people that way, especially children.

[widowat33]

I am sorry that the bus stop moms are bitches. We have a few of those around here too, but instead of bus stop moms they are hockey moms. They form these little groups and if you aren't a part of it you aren't worth talking to. It actually used to bother me more when my dh was alive, but I knew that with his straight forward and opionated personality we would never fit in with these "cool parents". And really if we had to be fake and not ourselves why would I want to be a part of that? It still hurts to feel like you are not being included. One thing I've seen though in the past 8 years that my boys have played hockey is these little cliques breaking up, forming new ones. I just stay away from it all, I'm friendly but don't go out of my way. For the most part I can avoid them by sitting by myself hard to do at a bus stop though!

Now as an adult it sucks to be treated that way, but my heart breaks for your kids. None of you deserve this. Would it really hurt them to snap a quick picture? I used to take hockey photos and send to the parents making sure that I got every single kids picture.

It doesn't sound like jealousy, it sounds like the other parents are inconsiderate. Even when my kids are having friends over I make them keep hush about it in front of other kids, or if a friend calls here for one of them and they are at another friends house I just say they are out. I am so careful about hurting kids feelings, to the point where at birthday parties I have made my kids invite the entire class, mostly when they were younger. I do think kids need to deal with some disappointments, but I don't think it's necessary to keep throwing it in their faces. These conversations about play dates and plans could just as easily be done in private.

Hopefully these 179 days go by quickly.

[Virgo]

I understand the jealousy. I often find myself envious of their false sense of security. I used to be them. Never lost anyone really close to me. The thought of losing my husband in my 30's never occured to me. Never. We did not choose this. We did not choose to be single/only parents.

 

A lot of times while watching for the bus with my 8yo I think to myself "Phil should be here waiting with her." He always carried her out to the bus. She loved her morning time with him. He worked nights, so he would get home just before she got on the bus.

 

I am a sahm and even I feel excluded sometimes. Some of the other moms act awkward around me now, some are more social with me, and some are just fake. I'm sorry you feel ignored. Being rude is unacceptable. They should all be neighborly. Even if it's just a "hello" or "have a nice day."

[Sugarbell]

Sounds like they are too self absorbed to notice you or your kids. And I am so sorry. I no longer attempt to engage with those types (besides a quick hello)...because frankly I find them boring. Their is only so much play date, salon talk I can hAndle. I don't like clicks. Never have-even in jr high/high school. And I have noticed those who gravitate to the clicks and are so worried about image--are really pretty dull people. I choose to socialize with the independent not fitting into a mold type. And the "mean girls" in high school--become those types of Moms...and if they are blessed to live into old age-they become the mean girls of the nursing homes. If I make small talk-I prefer it with men..they seem to be less

 

Ugh again I know it stings and I am sorry. Our bustop Mons here are nice and most of us work. The image superficial ones wouldn't dare make their kid ride the bus...they are all dropping off their kids in a line of SUVs in front of the school-in gym clothes..and gap about breakfast/lunch dates and hold the buses up during morning drop off.

 

I have been a SAHM, worked part time and now full time. I think we become much more compassionate and aware of these things because of the cards we've been dealt. I used to feel jealous...I haven't in years. They have a shallow life.

[Trying]

It sounds like a really crappy way for you and your kids to start the day.  I will never understand how some people can be so insensitive and self absorbed. I hope you find a way to peacefully coexist so it doesn't ruin your day.

[mmg19]

Sorry about the bus stop Moms.  I can relate as I am dealing with the "school pick-up Moms".  Have this duty every other week and it is an eye opener. 

[Eddienhp]

Thanks to all who responded. I appreciate everyone's thoughts. I feel a little better knowing it was probably due to a grief spurt. I don't think I want to be part of the click. I don't have patience for shallow people and my limited free time is too precious to waste on them. I just feel it's rude to stand there ignoring us and talking about all sorts of activities they know my kids aren't part of. I have to remember they live in a bubble. They haven't experienced what we have and they have no clue what our lives are like nor would they care to think about it. I have been giving my contact information to parents who have something in common with us; their working or they have a child with autism. Hopefully I can build a network for good social opportunities for the kids. Thanks again for responding and reminding me I am not alone on this journey.

 

Eileen

[Guest fern]

We have Parent Night coming up where the parents are supposed to choose their volunteer spots for school. The sign says "Parents Night! 6:30pm No Children Please!". Ok. How am I supposed to cope with that? I've yet to find a babysitter who can put my child to bed. They've all been rejected since Dad died. Hysterical tantrum city. I can just imagine how guilty I am going to feel because I am not available to volunteer during work hours. The other parents hang around the playground outside the classroom talking about what they are going to volunteer to help with at the school. Someone who knows I am a frazzled solo parent with a demanding career said to me "Oh you can help teach "x" since that's your job!"  (I think though this isn't about widowhood so much as it's about gender)

 

I tried to give the teacher a list of people who are authorized to pick up my offspring. She's knows our story and she said "Oh I don't do that. Other families usually establish a routine".  My child said "My Dad used to pick me up, but he's dead". Deer in the headlights smiling stare from the teacher.

 

I told my child then and try to tell them as often as possible "Dad would be so proud of you"

 

 

 

[fairlanegirl]

We have Parent Night coming up where the parents are supposed to choose their volunteer spots for school. The sign says "Parents Night! 6:30pm No Children Please!". Ok. How am I supposed to cope with that? I've yet to find a babysitter who can put my child to bed. They've all been rejected since Dad died. Hysterical tantrum city. I can just imagine how guilty I am going to feel because I am not available to volunteer during work hours. The other parents hang around the playground outside the classroom talking about what they are going to volunteer to help with at the school. Someone who knows I am a frazzled solo parent with a demanding career said to me "Oh you can help teach "x" since that's your job!"  (I think though this isn't about widowhood so much as it's about gender)

 

I tried to give the teacher a list of people who are authorized to pick up my offspring. She's knows our story and she said "Oh I don't do that. Other families usually establish a routine".  My child said "My Dad used to pick me up, but he's dead". Deer in the headlights smiling stare from the teacher.

 

I told my child then and try to tell them as often as possible "Dad would be so proud of you"

Don't feel guilty, Fern. Fortunately we don't have anything like this at school (especially the No Children Please! Good grief), this stuff is like another planet to me. But you can bet there will be people who can volunteer and don't because they just can't be arsed. And I cannot believe what an insensitive idiot the teacher is (sorry) - sounds like she is in the wrong job.

[Guest TooSoon]

I just got an email from the brownie troop leader saying all parents are to be at a 5 pm meeting after the first brownie troop meeting two mondays from today.  Is reasonable to expect a parent to be ABLE to pick up a child at 5 in this country, especially when many families have two careers.  To say nothing of us solo parents.....I, for one, was planning to have mine sent to aftercare after Brownies until I could get there after work.  I mean, I'm grateful she can volunteer for this role as troop leader but I thought it was a little presumptuous.  Ick.

 

Solidarity.

 

 

[ieh21]

It's not easy to break into an existing group. I felt the same at school drop off. I'm a little shy so I tend to feel isolated really easily. So I tried at least every day to say hi to them even if they were having a conversation. And then I started to ask them questions about their own children's experience in the school. Eventually I became friendly with a few of them and that led to a snowball effect. I still feel very different from them, but at least I dont feel totally miserable every morning!

[patriciad]

(((Eddienhp)))

Your story brings back memories that are so, so vivid that they seem like only yesterday.  I remember waiting for the mini school bus for my special needs guy and praying it wouldn't be late so that I could drop the other kids at their school on time.  Stressful and so isolating. I learned early on that I had a lot more on my plate than most-and that was with DH around.  I learned to say "No" to the routine volunteering.  The challenges that come with raising a special needs child are inconceivable to those that have not experienced it-kinda like this whole widowhood thing.

 

Hang in there.  It will get easier.  Just keep on doing what you are doing and don't overextend yourself.

 

Pat