Next Time

[mikeeh]

Does any one else think that if they were lucky enough to find someone that they will be a better spouse next time?

 

I am coming close to 2.5 years and I have been thinking.  My son takes his drivers test in a couple weeks.  He has a job interview at a local movie theater at the end of the week.  His first job not including working at my office.

 

Soon he will be on his own and I will be alone.  It gets me thinking about having a life again. Being able to go out and do things and maybe meet someone.  It gets me thinking about being married or in a relationship again.

 

I wonder if I will do better next time than I did first time.  We had a good marriage but will the next one, if there is one, be better?  Will I not take her for granted like I  may have done with my wife.  Will I cherish the time we get to spend together more than I did after a decade or so of marriage   

 

Knowing what we lost, and that it could be lost if it got to a point where there was  a Someone out there again would I be a better spouse.  Knowing it could be lost again at the drop of a hat, and after sitting here wishing there were someone to sit with would I better if despite all odds I were to find another someone to be in a relationship. 

 

Am I the only one who has thought about ths.

[Trying]

I think I will be a better spouse if that day comes.  I'm working on it now as a girlfriend.  I want to be more communicative, less spiteful, laugh more, speak up for myself more, express my love and gratitude daily. My marriage was good but we both could've done better, we took each other for granted.  The marriage may or may not be better but I will be a better partner. Time is too precious to waste on egos 

[Wheelerswife]

We learn, Mikeeh, we learn.  At least that is my experience, and what I hear from several fellow wids who have found love again.  I've hoping I can find it again.  Lightening can strike 3 times?

 

Maureen

[Captains wife]

Great thought provoking post. I am in the slow dating phase. I had an up and down marriage- some parts great, some not so much. But I also learned some very valuable life lessons and a lot about myself when my husband died suddenly. I know I want to be a better partner. I'm working on it although sometimes ingrained personality traits are hard to alter. I feel bad about the way I acted sometimes in my marriage and took a lot for granted. In a terms of finding a better partner, in hindsight I can see how on certain levels my DH was not a good match so I am mindful of that in looking for a new partner. But on other levels he was a great match and I doubt I'll find that again - including that he was a wonderful father and that can't be replaced for me. I wish you all the best in Chapter 2...it's amazing how we can grow and adapt from prior experiences.

[WifeLess]

mikeeh,

 

Bluebird and I were both widowed after several decades long marriages and are now actually living what you describe. We have been in a relationship for 5 years, have lived together for 3 years, and been married for 2 years. From the beginning we've been spending as much time with each other as we can, taking joy in all that we do together (including household chores if that's possible). We constantly show our appreciation of one another and regularly acknowledge the incredible love and tremendous happiness we've found in our new life together, never taking even one moment of it for granted.

 

Some have asked us how long this honeymoon phase will last. "As long as we both shall live", I think. And then some.

 

--- WifeLess

[Catnip]

Next time?

I can only hope.

 

Last time, I was totally different. I was interested in finding a husband to set up a home and have children with. I've now done all that. I was young, skinny, then pregnant 3 times. I was energetic, easy going and fun.

 

If it ever happens again, I'm now more reserved and more mature (darn it). I hope I've learned from my mistakes.

 

A second marriage is something I can only imagine.

[DonnaP]

Yes - we do. I can attest to the fact that I don't let the little things bother me anymore. Stuff that might have sparked an argument with my first husband doesn't happen in my new relationship. We talk about EVERYTHING, so before something becomes an issue, we can handle it together. Plus, we are both way more laid back than when we were younger.

[IfIonlycould]

I am actually in my "next time" and consciously working on not repeating/altering the things I did/traits I had in my marriage to DH that were not good.  I see myself in CW's post:

 

But I also learned some very valuable life lessons and a lot about myself when my husband died suddenly. I know I want to be a better partner. I'm working on it although sometimes ingrained personality traits are hard to alter. I feel bad about the way I acted sometimes in my marriage and took a lot for granted. In a terms of finding a better partner, in hindsight I can see how on certain levels my DH was not a good match so I am mindful of that in looking for a new partner. But on other levels he was a great match and I doubt I'll find that again - ...it's amazing how we can grow and adapt from prior experiences.

 

Yes valuable lessons learned, hard, agonizing lessons....I owe it to myself to be a better person this time around...I owe it myself to work on the bad stuff I brought to my relationship with DH and not repeat it...I can't have a second chance with DH but I have been given a second chance at love and I owe it to myself to behave in a manner that reflects how much I cherish loving and being loved.

 

Mikeeh, From the responses you have received I'd say many of us ponder this topic.  I hope for you to find the one to cherish again when the time is right.

[Wheelerswife]

Some have asked us when this honeymoon phase will end. "As long as we both shall live", I think. And then some.

 

Yes.  I had this, too.  For all 1400 days (or 3.83561644 years) that we had together.  I just did the math.  1400 days...from our first conversation until he died.  We lived that forever honeymoon, too. 

 

Maureen

[lcoxwell]

While I have not remarried, New Guy and I have been together for almost a year and a half (How is it possible that my Kenneth has been gone long enough for me to say that?), and our eventual plan is to get married. That being said, without a doubt, I know that I am a far better partner, now, than I have ever been; and sometimes, I feel really guilty about that.

 

Truthfully, I made more mistakes, than I would care to count, in my marriage to Kenneth. Though it pains me to admit, I wasn't always the wife I should have been. In the early years of our marriage, I often took Kenneth for granted; I often argued over stupid, petty things; and I often failed to tell him, or show him, just how much I truly loved him. Sadly, it took him reaching a point, where he had to completely depend on me, for me to truly appreciate all that he and I had. As others noted, I have learned some hard, hard lessons, along the way.

 

Losing Kenneth made me a better person, than I was at one time in my life. It taught me just how short life can be; and it taught me that being able to share love with someone else is a rare and precious gift, which should be treasured. Because of my loss, I have learned to love fully and with complete abandon. When it comes to expressing my love, I hold nothing back. I never, ever want New Guy to doubt, even for moment, that I love him with my whole heart. Never again, do I want to look back on my life and say that I should have done more to make my love known or felt.

 

If I were to be completely honest, I would have to admit that there were times, when I sat by Kenneth's grave and thanked him for teaching me what true love is; and there were times, when I sat, tears streaming down my face, apologizing for not telling him and showing him just how much I loved him, and for not loving him as much as I could have. If I were to be completely honest, I would have to admit that I am sorry Kenneth didn't get to see the woman I am today, because he deserved to be loved just as fully as New Guy; and I regret that he wasn't.

[Mr C]

Does any one else think that if they were lucky enough to find someone that they will be a better spouse next time?

 

I appreciate the opportunity to ponder this question tonight. I know I could be an even better husband to my wife and so wish there is another lifetime to try again. There is so much more I wanted to do for her and feel in hindsight could have done. Over the last 20 months, I have been beating myself up by nitpicking at (mostly career and financial) choices that made life harder for us.

 

For that reason, it means a lot to me to look at this question and say emphatically: No, I do not believe that I could overall be a better husband to someone else than I was to my wife. Yes, there are aspects that I could probably do better because of this grief and because of time in life. But there are other aspects where I don't think I could give as much to someone else. There were compromises that I gladly made for and with her that I can't imagine making for anyone else. My wife and I basically grew up together from high school sweethearts, to starting a life and family together. We made decisions that were hard--and sometimes wrong--but were made for the family we created.  That is the important part of me that can't be shared with anyone else.

[Justin]

I cannot, nor would want to, replicate the marriage I had with my wife. We had a lot of great times, and some not-so-great. But time is a river, and that part of my life has passed.

 

As many of you know, Jess and I are in a committed relationship and are coming up upon the one-year anniversary of our long-distance relationship. I think that I will overall be a much better husband to her than I was to Marsha: I have more maturity, more patience, better money sense, and am much less likely to take my wife (or anyone) for granted. I treasure each day, and I know now that tomorrow is not guaranteed. I am slower to anger, and less judgmental, too. I've learned a lot in my 21 years of marriage, and it would be a shame if I didn't retain some of those lessons.

 

My wife had some issues resulting from abuse of prescription drugs supplied to her, and later, I had issues with drinking too much. This resulted in a loss of trust that took a long time to repair, and probably never fully did. I don't want to make those same mistakes on my end.

 

My wife and I were high school sweethearts, too. On the downside, me being older and more mature means that Jess doesn't get the benefit of the crazy optimism/spontaneity or the stamina that I had in my youth.

[SimiRed]

Lightening can strike 3 times?

 

Maureen

 

I would like to think so, but I'm afraid of the potential after effects!  The thing is, it's a two way street.  Yes, we have learned what real love is and what it is like to lose it. 

 

I guess in my chapter 2, love was conditional and trust was nonexistent.  Not in the beginning, but soon after marriage.  My question to myself would be "Can I let myself be loved well again?" 

 

Like Mr. C, I married my High School sweetheart, we dated at 16, married 19 years and he died at 41.  No, a future someone will not get what he got, we grew up together, we "knew" each other...completely. 

 

I've changed, for the better.  I'm stronger emotionally, however, I'm afraid I will shy away from any prospect of a chapter 2 (cause I'm not counting "the infestation" of 2 years as a chapter 2).  I gave everything I had.

 

I guess I'm trying to say that loving someone means learning to wisely choose whom to love.  Love isn't finding someone and "loving too desperately or too little", we have to learn to love healthy.  And we have to get that love back, just as healthy as we give it. 

 

Love is found when someone is listening and cares more about your soul, which may be a gradual process, and that's okay...for me.

 

Assuming lightening can strike 3 times....

[gracelet]

 

I guess I'm trying to say that loving someone means learning to wisely choose whom to love.  Love isn't finding someone and "loving too desperately or too little", we have to learn to love healthy.  And we have to get that love back, just as healthy as we give it. 

 

 

This. I need to learn to love healthy. You put it so well.

 

in my dating antics, I have been known to feel at times  OHMYGODSHEISNTRUNNINGAWAYIMUSTMARRYHER. There's the missing somebody being there thing that has crept up And plays on my insecurities about why someone could ever want me with all my baggage.

 

Then another part of me says, 'Grace, you deserve to love and be loved fully by someone who brings out the best in you.' This is thankfully the stronger voice.

 

I'm not going to settle and that is what will make me a fabulous wife. I will be in the relationship with my whole heart and soul, but retaining my personality (something that was smothered by my late wife). I won't take any shit. I won't sweat the small stuff. And i will count every single blessing.

[Guest TooSoon]

My husband and I were very happy.  Very different but very happy.  I was an extremely insecure person when I met him, unsure of myself and unsure about how to love.  He helped me grow and learn how to love.  Of course I loved him always but his illness allowed me really to know what it means to love another.  I did not know I had that capacity.  I did not know that I could give like that.  I also never knew how to accept love.  I'm not sure I learned that in my marriage.  I wasn't there yet.  But I am now.  Now I can see the two way street of love.  The joy of giving, which I always understood but also the joy in receiving and in accepting that it is a big, wonderful, reciprocal thing.  It took me 42 years....

 

Also, I am far more open now than I ever, ever could have been before.  I don't know if it is just this nihilistic sort of "nothing left to lose" liberation I've felt after all I've been through or if I've genuinely let go of life long hang ups and insecurities and fears.  Whatever it is, I am glad it found me or I found it.  I know it makes for a more balanced and intimate partnership, faults, warts, missteps and all. 

 

I think it is important that we recognize we are not the same people we were when we met our late spouses.  I've learned a lot since I met Scott in 2003.  I grew and changed and our relationship shaped the way I view the world and live in it as did his death.  Isn't it a positive thing to grow and learn and adapt and change, and I know this might sound like anathema to many here, but if we must accept our realities, then shouldn't we find positives and silver linings and live better (in whatever individual ways that manifests for each of us) for the time we have?  I don't always succeed at this but it is my guiding principle and I try.  I do want to be a better, more thoughtful, more loving, more intimate, more honest partner who laughs more, who doesn't get worked up about minutiae, who stops to appreciate just being together.  Same with parenting.  Same with work.  If my husband had to die, then I have to live better for us both. 

 

ETA: when I went into my marriage at 31, we had a lot of goals and aspirations - kid, house, careers.  We were doing some of life's big things for the first time.  I'm not at that place anymore.  I lived those things and now I want something different and that is ok.  It is better than ok.  It is a second lease on life and I don't think any one of us should have to feel or make ourselves feel guilty about that.  As I look forward, I'm not looking at the same reality that I was 12 years ago.  I still believe a marriage should, in large part, be about building and propping one another up to be our best selves in whatever arenas we choose to place priority but I also now see how important having a partner in crime and a companion is.  At 31 that didn't mean what it does at 43, if that makes sense. 

 

Possibly characteristically off-topic.  Sorry, I can't help it. 

[Prov31cadet]

I probably shouldn't be in this section, but I have thought about your question. My husband passed away seven months ago. I do believe that I would be a better spouse. I have spent many evenings reflecting on our marriage.... the good, bad, and ugly. I am a totally different person than I was 13 years ago. I am also looking for someone different than I was back then too. As far as I am concerned, if God is at the center of my relationship then it will be a good marriage. Best of luck to you!

[stuckwonderingwhy]

I'm still in the middle of dealing with all of this. But one thing I keep reliving is all of the mistakes I

made with her. She never held them against me, and I know that I could've been better. I always

used to promise to go on hikes and bike rides, but always ended up putting work first. When it

came time to do things, I was just too tired. I was putting her through college, and I worried

about finances so damn much. If I only knew... but that's hindsight isn't it?

 

I can't say I'll be a better person. I can't say that I won't worry about money, or bills. But if I

ever find someone who cared for me as half as much as she did, I won't ever blow those

moments off ever again. I don't care about that time the bills where paid. I don't need to

remember when I paid off my last car. I wish I had more memories of going on walks, not

going to work.

 

I think, with the right person you don't have to be "better". You just need to give that person

as much of you as they can give of themselves. There will always be fights and mistakes.

Looking back none of them really mattered in the long run. I'm a better person because of

her. But she was just fine with the regular old me.