Ten days without her

[MikeB]

I lost my beautiful wife and best friend ten days ago to a ruptured brain aneurysm.  She was just sitting at her desk at work and suddenly collapsed.  There was no prior warning, and even though EMS, the ER and ICU tried valiantly, there was no possibility of saving her. 

 

Today is the visitation and I don't want to go.  I can't face her friends, I can't face her family and I can't face her coworkers.  I know I have to, but I've never not wanted to do something so badly in my life.  My own friends and family have been wonderful, but I know that once this visitation takes place, they're all going to move on with their lives.  I won't be able to.  It will just be me, her ashes and our two dogs, alone.  I miss her so much.

[Quixote]

It's awful.  Do what you can, but don't beat yourself up if you can't, if that makes any sense.  Right now, just going on is a struggle--  accept that.

 

You're right about people disappearing after the initial surge of help.  Keep the phone numbers of a few who are close, who you know you can call anytime.

 

Hug your dogs.  Mine kept me going in those first awful weeks.  It's good not to be alone, and they don't talk too much.  And needing to take care of something seems to help.

 

You may have read this thread, but in case you haven't the advice is good:

http://widda.org/index.php/topic,6.0.html

 

 

[Jess]

Mike, I am so sorry for your loss but so glad you found us here. My husband also died suddenly and I had no clue it was coming. One minute, I'm going to bed and kissing him goodnight and a few minutes later he was having his first ever seizure, which turned out to be fatal. Just wrapping my mind around that was so very hard in the beginning. If I am honest, at 15 months out, it is still so surreal.

 

I dreaded my husband's funeral. Dreaded it. How could I possibly have a funeral to say goodbye when I couldn't handle the idea of him being gone? I worried about how I would react to it and how others would be. I didn't want to face everyone and let them see the expression that bore witness to the fact that I was in my own personal hell. Ultimately, for me, it was healing to let people give me love, kind thoughts, and prayer (although I am not religious). I hope the visitation will be similar for you.

 

And yes, people do move on with their lives and disappear, but not everyone. I have one friend that stuck through all of this and continues to do so. In fact, because she knows how much my husband loves Halloween, she made sure to invite me over so I would have somewhere to go. Unfortunately, this journey is a litmus lest for who is a true friend, and I am hoping you have at least one person that will keep calling, keep showing up, and keep being there like I am fortunate enough to have. There were about 250 people at his funeral... and besides my immediate family, just one person stood by me afterwards.

 

I was left with an urn of his ashes and four dogs. Alone. It is hard. So hard. But you can do this. For now, take care of the basics. Eat when you can, force yourself to drink water, and sleep when you can. After a while, these things will once again become routine. I am wishing you peace and comfort on this difficult day and for the days to come.

[Justin]

MikeB, I am so very sorry that you had to find us here but am glad that you have. This all just sucks so bad. My wife was not in the best of health, but also died suddenly and without warning at home in her sleep. If there is any solace at all in that fact, I have been assured that she did not suffer.

 

You can do this, and it is okay to not want to do it. I sure as hell didn't - the only thing that kept me going was that I was now her ambassador and had to represent her to the world and couldn't let her down. I carried her urn into the church because I could not bear the thought of anyone else having that honor. I repeat, you can do this and you will make your wife proud.

 

You are most likely correct, in that most people will move on with their own lives after the visitation. Some will still come around, and you will find that some of those will be the unlikeliest people. There will also be people that you would think you could count on and that you will hear from rarely. This is common, and I think being prepared for this will help you. I don't think it is that they don't care, it's just that they cannot in any way fathom the hell you are going through.

 

I do promise you this - you are going to be okay. You will never "move on", but you will move forward so keep that hope. But, that is for later days - right now, make sure you eat, get enough sleep, cry when you need to, talk to people, and don't drink too much. The better your physical shape, the better you will be able to weather this storm. You are in a state of shock right now, which is your body's way of protecting your brain. If you are motivated, now is a good time for many men to take care of affairs (no major decisions, though) such as bill payment setups, etc. Once the fog lifts a bit, the emotions came stronger for me.

 

Please come here and post as often and much as you like. My worst mistake in those first few weeks (besides drinking too much) was getting inside my own head. Not constructive reflection or thought, just a negative cycle of emotions. These people (and two in particular) saved me.

 

Take care of yourself and your dogs. And remember to love on them good - they are grieving, too.

[Wheelerswife]

Justin, Quixote and Jess have said it well.  All I have to offer I my condolences.  My second husband died unexpectedly, too.  I was dumbfounded.  How do I go on?  I had lived this horror once already and I found my way through it, so I know first hand that we can survive, and eventually thrive.  I often say that I just put one foot in front of the other...and that has gotten me this far.

 

I'll remember you today, as you face these her friends, family, and co-workers.  It is likely to be a blur...and that's okay.

 

Come back when you are ready.  You have people here who really get it...and really care.

 

Maureen

[phil]

so sorry for your loss,  you found a lovelly forum great peaple,, cant say much im ripped appart myself  as lost my wife 1 month today, and could not see myself getting this far as i wanted to be with my joanne,, but im still hear, mate  suround your self with friends and family its got me this far,,  and read lots on the forum ,  huggs

[donswife]

I will be thinking about you today

I also lost my don suddenly , was in a state of shock for such a long time

today will be tough but like it was said before you can do this and if you can't that is ok also

there is no right way to grieve, just your way

Hope by the time you are reading this you are home and its over

and you will be able to take the dogs on a much needed long quiet walk

[Mizpah]

they're all going to move on with their lives.  I won't be able to.

 

I'm so sorry.  I too had a sudden loss.  I was too shocked to even dread the funeral - I was a zombie on auto pilot, shuffling along.  I don't think people have very high expectations for you right now so don't worry about "facing" anyone, just survive the day. 

 

Your life right now is mourning and grieving.  It's painful and nearly unbearable.  You will lose friends.  You will give up hope at times.  You will be very lonely.  The loss is permanent but the rawness of the pain is not, though it can be very long-term.  Just know that we're all with you in spirit, have been where you are, have felt the feelings you're feeling and thought the things you're thinking.  You're not alone.  I hope the love you shared will give you some solidity inside in your darkest moments.  Thinking of you. 

[MikeB]

Thank you so much to everyone who replied.  It gave me enough encouragement to make it through yesterday.  The visitation was a whirlwind and I felt like I was in a dream the entire time.

 

I don't know what to do with myself now.  I'm paralyzed by the mountain of things I need to tackle at this point and just missing her unbearably.  I put her ashes and jewelry on the mantel this morning and had a long cry.  It scares me that this is the sum of my life now.

 

 

[Jess]

Mike, I am glad you made it through a really tough day. Every day is possible, but it doesn't mean it doesn't feel impossible at the time. Good job.

 

Something I did when things got too overwhelming was writing down each task I had to do on a note card. When I'd feel restless or like I really needed to be doing something I'd take a note card out and do whatever the task was- be it calling the bank or utilities or some other task. I'd then move it to the done pile and put a check mark on it. If I felt up to another one, I'd do another. If not, I'd just put them away. Some people like lists but the list as a whole was too daunting for my broken brain. The note cards let me see only one thing at a time and just focus on that. 

[w1d0w3r]

Hang in there, Mike. My wife died suddenly 14 weeks ago and I don't know how I got through those first few months but coming here and relying on the people who are there for me - and seeing a therapist to talk through everything I have been feeling - was an immense help in the early days where you are now. You're not alone. I'm so sorry you lost her. Everyone's grief is different, but we're here to help if we can. If you want advice, here's mine: the happy memories will be with you forever; when you are ready, you will build a new life. Until then, try to stay busy. Find a therapist or grief counselor if you have the means and are comfortable talking about all of this. Even if it's just one "trial" session, sometimes it helps to talk to someone who isn't connected to either of you so you don't have to take their feelings into account. It can be about you. All you have to do is just keep breathing, eating, drinking water, sleeping when you can, and keep putting one foot in front of the other when you have to. Otherwise, give yourself whatever you need.

 

Peace, love, and hope to you.

 

 

[linda5]

Mike, I'm so sorry for all the pain you're experiencing right now.  My beloved husband also died suddenly.  His was from a pulmonary embolism...right in front of our daughters and me.  It's now 2 1/2 years out, and I marvel that I somehow survived without my other half.  I'm not going to lie to you.  Surviving is difficult, and the pain can knock you to your knees.  But somehow, some way, you see a sparkle of light just for a second ... then a shaft of light comes in.  This all takes time.  I will never be the person I was before he died, but I'm finding some peace and happiness.  And, I don't have a boyfriend.  I had the best out there for me, and I'm now thankful for the time we did have together. 

 

Just hang on.  This community got me through the toughest days of my life and it can do the same for you.

[twistedmensa]

I am so sorry for your loss. I am sorry we have all been brought to this site, and yet I am so thankful this site is here. Just knowing that others share the same pain and struggles has been very helpful.

 

I can't offer a lot in the way of advice. In the days (and weeks and months)  immediately following my husband's death, I was very much on auto-pilot. My memory of that time is fuzzy at best. I depended a lot on friends and focused on surviving and very little else.

 

Be kind to yourself. You have experienced a devastating loss.

[Jen]

Mike, I am so, so sorry for the loss of your precious wife. My sweet husband turned 40, then died suddenly three days later-- almost 19 months into this wid existence, I'm still trying to process it. Keep talking. We get it, much as we wish we didn't.

[Virgo]

I'm so sorry for your loss. My husband died just one week after his 39th birthday.  I can remember feeling so numb at his visitation. If you feel like you need a break go to a separate room for awhile.

[br0peth]

I'm following in your journey friend.  New here as well to these boards.

http://widda.org/index.php/topic,1626.0.html

 

I'm ache for my wife too.  She was my sunshine.

I'm here for you.