Quick to anger

[Trying]

In my chapter 2 I am trying to learn from my marriage and from my loss to be a better partner. I express my love and appreciation more easily and genuinely, I'm more open, I try hard to make time and be in the moment despite my crazy schedule. But one problem I am having is that I am very quick to anger.  A small thing can set me off and I jump to "how dare you, I don't need this!" in my head and screaming in my car when I leave.  I worked hard to get past the anger part of my grief because I am really uncomfortable with anger but could it be creeping into my new relationship? I really hate feeling this way and I know it's way out of proportion to the situation but I can't seem to let go of it when it happens.

 

I probably should be apologizing this morning for over reacting last night but instead I'm still angry about what caused the argument in the first place. Uhgg, maybe being alone would just be easier.

[hachi]

I get this. I find that I express my disappointment much more easily than I used to. NG invariably says "you are angry", and usually my response is "I feel hurt and frustrated". I guess it comes off as anger. But I think it is healthier for me to let it be out there. They are my feelings and I don't have to disown them for anyone.

 

I do try not to dwell on it. Especially if it is something where we have to agree to disagree. But I am not going to pretend something is okay, when it clearly isn't. Apologize if you have something to apologize for. But don't apologize for your feelings.

[Captains wife]

Firstly, its really good that you are trying to learn from your loss. Not everyone is that self-reflective, so applaud yourself for that. You have a lot on your plate + grief so its natural that it going to come out somehow.

 

I completely understand and empathize about what you posted. I am someone who has serious anger issues as a widow - I have always been short tempered but my anger went through the stratosphere when my husband died suddenly, leaving me alone to raise a baby.

 

What I have tried to do over time is to channel my anger in other ways or find ways to calm down before I explode - my grief therapist has helped with that. But, honestly, if my current new guy does something to tick me off, admittedly my anger is set off. And I either get really mad in a flash (i.e. there has been some slamming doors incidents) or I seethe for days on end and shut down.

 

I think its understandable you get angry, you are human and if your NG has done something to hurt your feelings/upset you then its going to come out. There could be some underlying widow anger in there but maybe he just really pissed you off with his actions ? I think when arguments get heated - at least this is working for me - that talking it out really helps, but only after a period of time when all parties can calm down. (I also tend to jot down notes before I talk to him and then I can clearly articulate all that is bothering me). It probably doesn't hurt to apologize if you think your anger got a bit out of control (I have found personally its important for both sides to acknowledge "mistakes") but as hachi said you shouldn't apologize for your feelings. Maybe explain clearly what NG said to set you off ? Sometimes the other party is clueless - seriously.

 

Wishing you all the best - re-coupling....in many ways worthwhile but SO not easy....

 

 

[Mizpah]

There are so many people who think of themselves as better partners in their post-death relationships.  I am, unfortunately, not one of them.  I think part of it is the current relationship itself, and a lot of it is how extraordinary my relationship with DH was, but I think much of it is a character flaw that is brought out now.  I am extremely impatient.  I want everything to be perfect.  I am easily hurt.  I take things personally.  I hang on to things.  Lovely, right?  I don't know the answer.  I'm working on it myself. 

[Guest TalksToAngels]

Be easy on yourself.

[CHM1988]

Story of my life! It is easy to let anger get the best of us. As long as we are trying, and seeking help/trying to calm ourselves when we need to, that's the best we can do I think. Hugs.

[Quixote]

I'm getting better, but one of the weird things about grieving was how I couldn't care less about things that used to upset me, but would feel uncontrollable rage at trivial stuff.  Exercise helps, but mostly I just stopped over analyzing and let the emotion roll through.  Probably lost a (not close) friend or two over it, though. 

[Trying]

Thanks everyone, I'm feeling a little better tonight.  We talked this morning and I was still angry.  Then in class today we were discussing conflict resolution and the need to be "right" vs the need to resolve the conflict. When NG and I talked this afternoon I was much calmer. He apologized for starting the argument and I apologized for blowing it way out of proportion.  I did have a right to be annoyed with him last night but it's the level of anger over a pretty insignificant issue that I don't like about myself.  He knew I was angry last night but I didn't really let it out until I was alone in the car driving home. So the anger mostly had an effect on me, I was the one with the racing heart, the stomach in knots, the headache from screaming in the car to myself. Thankfully it doesn't happen often because I think it's very unhealthy and I wish I knew where it was coming from. 

[Guest Mel4072]

I have to agree with Mitzpah that I've noticed that I'm not exactly one up on the relationship department. But I will say that it sounds like it's a communication error for you and NG. That's been my biggest obstacle in my new relationship. I always thought I was great at communication but when it's in a romantic relationship, well , I find myself falling short. I'm insecure, fearful, jealous, hard on myself, and it affects how I feel. Well, it's hard enough to talk about my feelings these days, much less about what is igniting them. NG is very understanding and patient. He's very loving. He goes through similar feelings and thoughts and tries his best to express them to me. I am working on trusting enough to open up to him, making myself vulnerable to another human being. It takes time and a lot of effort. What I've found about anger is that it is usually a result of me not getting something I wanted or having expectations too high. I try to look at it from that perspective. We can't put unreasonable demands on another person. For me, security within a relationship is huge and I have to be patient because it takes time.

Wishing you the best!

[Sugarbell]

In my relationship...no not quick to anger...Only had one fight in over a year.

 

90 percent of the time I am mellow. But when I switch gets flipped I can lash out: and I don't stop. It's almost always when I am fighting for my kids..the scrappy side comes out.

 

And I hate that anger side. It almost scares me. Last week my son got cussed out for the second time and was given a zero on his work for talking. A 25 year old young teacher. First time she told him he was an asshole and kids like him made her hate her job. (Because he's smarter than her is the bottom line) I let it go.

 

Second time-another zero...and she screams "This is fucking bullshit"

 

The switch flipped.

And it wasn't just a moment of anger. It was predicated...bringing in examples of lawsuits, calling in people my family knows from the state, meeting with administrators, resigning as a long term sub at his school so there was no conflict of interest.

He's now excused from going to her class and doing independent study with his gifted teacher and myself.

 

She's on probation (not tenured) and now has a hearing before the board.

 

And I am not finished. I want to destroy the bitch in WV and Ohio so she will never be able to get another teaching job.

 

That kind of vengeance isn't normal. But widdahood and fighting for my kids solo has brought that out in me.

 

I don't like it. But I have a feeling it's always going to be that way. Luckily the switch doesn't get flipped often.

[Mizpah]

I don't know.  You don't sound crazy to me.  She sounds beyond the pale and totally deserving of your wrath and vengeance.  But maybe that's just cuz I'm crazy too....

[mmg19]

Two different types of anger emerged SB.  As a parent and teacher I would be angry over this language from my son's teacher.  Don't know the entire story but problem solved.  Your son is out of her classroom and administration handles it from there.  Make a teachable moment of this with your son in how inappropriate teacher's anger was displayed along with the consequences she faces.  Truth is I would be livid but I would not allow my anger to corrupt me.  Revenge only begets more pain, because hurting people never has resulted in happiness or relief. ―  When my kids want "payback" my go to comment is ... Revenge is often like biting a dog because the dog bit you. 

 

Sorry you and your son were placed in this situation.  Get back to mellow and don't waste your energy.

 

 

 

 

[Sugarbell]

Yes mellow is much better.

 

I just didn't realiEe I still had that lingering in me till last week. I get so mad I shake...then get severe headaches/backaches from working myself up.

 

And problem is solved. Sorry to hijack.::but yes I do think widdahood/solo parenting has accentuated a flip out anger in me. (Which is why I meditate and do my dippy thinhs1to stay mellow)

[kjs1989]

I have found with NG I am trying to be a little more mellow than I was with D. Small things don't matter as much. My perspective is  better. I wish I would have realized that a little bit more in my 23 years of marriage to him.  I certainly have regrets on some of my little temper tantrums, although I try not beat myself up too much because D was not always the most attentive guy and  with his Type A personality sometimes it seemed like that was the only way to get him to slow down and pay attention to our family needs.

 

What has set my anger off in widowhood is the assumptive DGIs. In particular,  I have gone off on D's brother for assuming certain things should play out in certain ways since D's death, and he and SIL seems so surprised when I have different plans. My  personal boundaries being crossed has by far been  my biggest anger trigger in widowhood. D and I were completely autonomous in our decisons with no interference from others. Just because he is gone does not make it ok to assume what is best for me and my kids and act so surprised and patronizing when I don't agree. Then, what really takes the cake is to blame my angry reaction on grief! Give me a break!!