Tired of being lonely, bored, and sad...

[Jen]

So how do I stop?

[mmg19]

Wish I had advice or words of wisdom but I do understand the feeling.  One morning after about 12 months, I woke up and noticed the sun was shining and felt good for at least 30 minutes.  Can't relate to the boredom since I had 2 boys and they were my motivation. 

 

((Hugs))

[Jen]

I have three kids, and they keep me running-- but I still get bored. I go through the motions while my brain runs like a hamster on a wheel. I wish I could say my family was enough motivation for me to want to be here (as opposed to having to be here, if that makes sense)...  I guess I'm a terrible, horrible person because they're not. I love my children more than anything-- really, I do-- but going through the rest of this life as nothing and no one but their mum is a bleak prospect.  Is it so, so terrible to want more than that?

[Virgo]

I cried myself to sleep last night with the thought of being alone the rest of my life. That to me is scarier then the idea of being in love with another man.

 

I know I need to be more than a mom. A maid. A taxi. A referee. A wallet. I need to be one half of a couple.

 

I get it Jen. I started dating, but it hasn't lessened the loneliness. I think I'm still adjusting to the idea of dating. 

 

Do you feel ready to date?

[Quixote]

Dang, I clicked on this thread hoping one of you had an easy answer  

 

Right there with you, Jen.  Me, I fill my time with a lot of activity.  I look at my Facebook feed sometimes and think "Wow, that dude has a great life!" But life without someone you love totally is...I don't know.  Lonely, bored and sad?

[Jen]

I cried myself to sleep last night with the thought of being alone the rest of my life. That to me is scarier then the idea of being in love with another man.

 

I know I need to be more than a mom. A maid. A taxi. A referee. A wallet. I need to be one half of a couple.

 

Yes. A thousand times yes. THANK YOU. I was starting to be very afraid that I was the only one who had thoughts like this, and I felt guilty. The kids should be enough, right? But they aren't, and if that makes me a bad mom or bad person, then I guess that's what I am.

 

I need to be valued for myself, for the person I am inside-- the ones the kids aren't privy to (or interested in). I know I have tons of love to give... I need someone who's not related to me to give it back.

 

I have no idea how to date. I never had to. I was with Jim from junior high through college; we broke up and I met xh. We got married when I was 21 and divorced when I was 34-- I married Jim six weeks later. I've never been a single adult until now-- I don't know how to be single. People keep telling me to enjoy it, to work on myself, but I spend entirely too much time by myself. I know myself pretty well, thanks. I want someone else to want to know me!

 

I'm so scared that will never happen. I can't imagine it happening, honestly. I'm told that I'm lovable-- seriously, people keep telling me that. "Everybody who meets you loves you, how could they not?" Great. Everyone loves me and nobody wants me.

 

In my na?ve and anxious attempts at socializing, I've managed to chat with a few people. There are some very nice folks out there, but it's the same as always: men seem to see me as "one of the guys." I'm easy to talk to, they tell me. Good company. Fun to hang out with. Not someone they associate with love or romance or sex. Classic girl next door, I guess.

 

Forgive the rant. Crying now... which is awkward; I'm at work. It all seems like such a waste. Hence my new sig line...

 

Ready to date? I have no clue. Ready to not be alone and afraid? Absolutely, but I don't think I have a choice.

[twistedmensa]

Sometimes I simply force myself to go do something even when I don't necessarily want to. A girlfriend invited me to go for dinner and a movie Friday night, and though I loath crowds, I agreed to go. It was the Peanuts movie (love me some Snoopy) and I felt better than I have since DH died. It just felt good to get out of the house that I have been hibernating in. It helped that I rode the motorcycle...better than any therapist.

 

I try to focus on the fact that I know he would want me to be happy, to keep participating in life. It would really hurt him to know that his death was responsible for my misery. In life, he did everything in his power to bring me happiness. I think the best way for me to show my gratitude is to be the strong woman he always considered me to be, even if I may sometimes doubt it.

 

 

[Trying]

I know I have said this before but you have to BELIEVE it in order for it to happen.  You need to stop the negative self talk because that ends up being the vibe you put out.  I have used mantras to help me with the negative thoughts that invade my head and as hokey as it sounds, they really work.  " I am smart, I am desirable, I am lovable" or something that rings true to you.  Start your day and end your day repeating this to yourself and as many times during the day that you have a negative thought, cut it off and say your mantra.  Inside your head when you are around people,  but say it out loud whenever you are alone. 

 

This whole idea of positive self talk is new to me and very against my nature but it has helped me tremendously. 

 

My other suggestion is to practice flirting.  Flirt with a guy in the produce aisle or waiting in line at the post office.  Not in an attempt to "pick up" a guy but as a way to reconnect with that side of you.  I hadn't dated since I was 19 and met DH so it was really strange and awkward at first to be flirty but flirting makes you feel good and gives you confidence. 

 

You have so much love to give and you have proven that you make a great partner, who wouldn't want someone like you in their life?! It's scary to put yourself out there but the rewards can be so worth it.

[Virgo]

What about joining an activity that interests you? You could meet someone with the same interests.

 

My rambling thoughts.  I noticed something recently.  A lot of times when I'm out in public I have a specific task in mind. I don't go out of my way to be social. I barely even pay attention to my surroundings, make eye contact,  or look up. The last time I went grocery shopping I looked up and made myself more aware. I had men approaching me in every store. Like others have said you have to be open to it. I'm slowly getting there.

[twistedmensa]

A lot of times when I'm out in public I have a specific task in mind. I don't go out of my way to be social. I barely even pay attention to my surroundings, make eye contact,  or look up.

 

I am the same way. My kids told me I suffer from RBF (Resting Bitch Face). It's no wonder that people don't approach me...lol.

[Bear Tomás]

So how do I stop?

 

Just get out among the living. Fake it until you make it. I would walk over to the high school and watch the girls basketball. Anything to get out of the house. Being alone with my dark thoughts was not good for me.

[SimiRed]

Our kids don't take away the lonely, since we really just want some adult conversation! 

 

Like Bear said, fake it until you make it.  I try to do some things to get out of the house, and not isolate myself.  If  I don't like it, move on, try something else.  Walking in the park, etc.  Never thought about going to check out the High School games, that may be fun too.

[DansSoulmate]

So, I do believe it's really important to get out there even it is just with guy friends right now.  Just think maybe your future new guy is a friend of a friend who you would only meet if you show up somewhere?  Be brave!  I recently described the experience at a music/dance venue for "mature adults" as an 8th grade dance..ladies huddled in one area and guys on the other side.  Lucky for me I was there with a real extrovert so it wasn't a problem, she was all over the place making small talk.  My advice..get a sidekick who has too much self confidence and go have a good time!

[klim]

Meetups...social organizations that let you meet other people that you normally wouldn't

 

gets you out, lets you pick activities and the focus is on the activity.........while meeting people....even guys

[Freelancing]

Brace yourself!  Here goes .... You need to find something to help work out your grief. Truly!

 

Alittle bit of history, I started out by exploring all my interests. I kept harming myself or became completely frustrated. It dawned on me one day to examine the issues I was having. Turned out I was putting the cart before the horse. My widow brain was not up to performing such things as crafts, jewelry making, painting, etc. I was blazing pisst off about that till I gravitated toward a 1000pc jigsaw puzzle while at a bookstore. I'd never worked one before but there was something about the challenge of finding the cat that would be revealed upon completion. I had to find that damn cat! In doing so, it improved my memory, attention span, brought clarity --- simply flooded my brain with dopamine. Wooo Hooo!  ;D  And from what I recall better than sex! 

 

You might want to look up the benefits of jigsaw puzzles on the web.

 

You could try out children's puzzles or word puzzles to see what happens. If you decide to try a larger puzzle I suggest the 1000pc. They're easier than the 100, 500 and 750pcs. The parts of the picture on the pieces are large making them blur together and difficult to distinguish.

 

If you're anything like I was I had to throw a fit, snort and whine at anything that sound like a stupid suggestion before I tried it. Its okay. 

 

Let us know if this works for you or if you've found something else. Remember too, you can always set aside till you are ready for it.

 

Good luck!

Freelancing ...

 

 

[Guest TalksToAngels]

Go to the mall and get hair nails done, walk around and get an Annie's pretzel ??

Just getting out sometimes may help.

[Jen]

I get out. I practically live at Starbucks. I walk a lot. I talk to anyone who will talk back when I go to the store, Target, etc. It doesn't matter; I'm done. I'm just done. Sorry to rant, I appreciate your thoughts, but it's time for me to accept the fact that this is my lot in life-- it's not a lot, but it's my life. I have a home and a family, I have people who care about me, I am loved. Anything beyond that is a pipe dream.

[Freelancing]

This, too, shall pass.

 

Recall the Time Frame section, it allows widow/ers to post how they are feeling in those early months of grief. Its also a good reference as well as for everyone to find the many ways grief changes over time and to know that is alone in this journey. Unfortunately, it jumps from 1yr to Beyond Active Grieving, I'm assuming due to lack of space. I've always thought there should be a 2yr section. That particular time line as I recall was the hardest year for myself and a great many widow/ers; it was logged in the 1yr section by hundreds on the old YWBB. The 2nd year is a major turning point when sorrow, loneliness, boredom sets in with an unrelenting grip, almost paralyzing. Widow brain is apt to start getting worse. There are ways to reduce its hold temporarily.

 

Grief work is psychological training for healing.

 

if you need to cry or make yourself cry, do so first.

 

Let me begin by saying there are many steps in grief to work on to get to functioning mode on a daily basis, but propably don't know what they are. Each step is an emotion that needs to be worked out no matter how many times it comes to visit. One stepway in griefwork is preparation, begin by exercising out the intense emotions with labor intensive housework or yardwork to loosen their grip. Exercising with full intent by sweeping vigorously, hand scrubbing floors, hacking (pruning,trimming) at trees or shrubs or pulling weeds will activate endorphins. Endorphins are natural peptide hormones in the body that activate receptors (like an opiate) in our brain to reduce pain and affect emotions. This is not a one time fix it, (I'm sure its the last thing you want to hear), however, any form of exercise even if it is a non conventional is a tremendous help to promote healing and keep depression at bay. Many people prefer sex, but truly how often during a day is it available and how many times a day do you want/have to shower?

 

By choosing to learn to work on your grief and doing it, you will be making a commitment to take care of yourself. You will heal your wounds as well as learn discipline, consistency and take pride in small steps. It helped me find my purpose in life and my new career.

 

Be gentle with yourself by not starting any self designed /self help program commando style. Work up to it slowly in your free time till you're programmed at a certain time or day, hopefully becoming a useful priority. My only priorities back then were to fall out of bed, crawl or drag myself to the kitchen to drink and smoke, get the kids off to school with lunch money. I put a stop to that when I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. 

 

If you are an animal lover, watching kitten/puppy videos is not only soothing it can slow the brain from overthinking. They relieved alot and always made me feel good. I was always excited to tell the kids what I had watched. My youngest were 11 and 12 when DH died, they greatly benefitted from watching also. Mostly they liked that I cheerful, laughing and playful when they returned from school. I was very proud that I was able to dramatically reduce their worry about me.

 

Widow brain seems to get worse rather than better. After decompressing, try journaling, working crossword or jigsaw puzzles, play solitaire or surf the web to find something to improve memory function. These tips will be helpful when you reach the worst of menopause. I've started to doing them again due to menopause;it affects the memory and causes horrible fatigue. Its like grief, it cycles for 8 - 10 years. Although it might start off with minor insignificant changes, but when the ending cycle it is painfully uncomfortable. Its the dry spell when the body no longer produces estrogen. From what I've been told makes sex severely uncomfortable. Women often quit engaging in it. BTW, women sometimes temporarily lose their sex drive during menopause. Anyhoo, that is a conversation you might have down the road if you are recouple by that time.

 

Now all you have to do now is make the choice to work the very first step by decompressing.

 

These helped me greatly.

Good luck with all your endeavors.

Freelancing -----

[marian53]

Holy Uckfay, girlfriend!! This post started out the best, absolutely, but then you get to what seems Doomsday for women- menopause.  I just had to chime in here because I have went through menopause, still dealing with it- haven't lost my sex drive, still have sex, deal with stuff by vaginal estrogen when needed,, exercise and still feel  desirable. The weight thing is different for everyone, I went from a 6 to a 00 and then got back to a 4, but so what, it's just weight.  For God's sakes, we all go through spells of wanting sex all day long and then no time while dealing with work, kids, etc. We are about the same timeframe , nine years for me New Year's Day. At Jen's time frame, I was still a hollow woman, going through the day because I had to. Things change. Same for going through menopause. Hang in there, Freelancing! Even if you don't engage in sex, it is important to still feel a sexual being. It's life.

Marian

[Freelancing]

Sorry, I didn't provide further information.

 

I just had to chime in here because I have went through menopause, still dealing with it

 

I should've mentioned I'm close to being done. I started menopause a few months after DH died almost 9 years ago. 

 

For God's sakes, we we all go through spells of wanting sex all day long

 

I don't and didn't. The other is, I did mention "women sometimes temporarily lose their sex drive";.A few of my younger friends have mentioned this. I've also read about it.

 

Freelancing! Even if you don't engage in sex, it is important to still feel a sexual being. It's life.

 

My womanhood is never in question. No woman ever has to engage in sex or birth babies to feel/know they are a woman and a sexual being they are woman and a sexual being. Like my friends (married and unmarried) who are my age and older they are no longer interested in sex. Maybe its just an age thing. All I can say is were good with it.

 

Sex is very important in a relationship as well as for having babies and for those with a sex drive.There is no question about that.

Marian

 

Freelancing

 

 

[marian53]

okey dokey freelancing- by the way, who were you on the former board? I should remember you and I don't.

thanks

Marian