SamNE Posted November 13, 2015 Share Posted November 13, 2015 I am 8 +'years out and NG is divorced. We have been dating for 7 months. Lots in common, good chemistry, we have fun together and he is a good person. I have worked hard not to let myself slide into the "poor me" stuff, both in my own head and in my relationship. Basically, I see the bright side, even though I have had my troubles obviously. Lately, he goes there a lot. Mildly to moderately down about one thing or another kind of often. The ex, his work, little things like someone not calling him back, someone taking his parking spot....etc. He takes an antidepressant and sees a therapist and I am OK with that. What's wearing on me some is dealing with his frequent downs. They aren't major, they are just a drag I am feeling less and less willing to try to cheer him out of. Initially, I would do it and feel good that I could cheer him out of his funks. But it's getting old. We were together for a while this afternoon, both needed to do some other things by ourselves, and planned to get together again this evening. He was in a down earlier and I just didn't want to deal. I sent him a text and begged off tonight's plans telling him I was feeling headachey and tired. I want to be understanding and supportive re his ups and downs, but inside my own head, I am thinking, " I just can't deal with depressed." For those of you who have had depressed partners: how does one cope with this? Am I enabling him by trying to be the cheerful one all the time? Does he need understanding or should I just keep my distance when his mood is dragging me down? I find myself wondering if I am implicitly agreeing to a relationship dynamic I don't want. Sam Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Portside Posted November 13, 2015 Share Posted November 13, 2015 . . . but inside my own head, I am thinking, " I just can't deal with depressed." For those of you who have had depressed partners: how does one cope with this? Am I enabling him by trying to be the cheerful one all the time? Does he need understanding or should I just keep my distance when his mood is dragging me down? Oh Sam - I wish I had comforting words of wisdom for you. My late wife suffered from depression for 18 years (among other ailments) before she passed away. I can only tell you how I handled it but would never suggest someone else do it my way. We each have to make our peace with whatever choices we make. T.'s depression should have been evident to me when we first started dating but I didn't (or wouldn't) see it unlike yourself. It worsened over the years even though we took every step to try and combat her disease - Medication, therapy, institutionalization, prayer and every alternative treatment you can imagine. Some treatments worked for a time but nothing work long term. Her depression worsened and, ultimately, was the cause of her death. My wife's illness had a profound effect on me, our circle of friends, our children, the community and of course, her. It was as if we were all weighted down by the illness and no amount of forced happiness, talking through it, understanding or hand-holding removed that weight. Honestly, all of our lives were miserable the last ten years. May God forget me for saying this but after she died, even though the kids and I were grieving, we no longer felt as if we were slogging thorough the mud. There was a sense of the possibility of a happy and cheerful existence. And, 8 years later, we continue to have good, happy and fulfilled lives. When I started to date again, I was determined to not date anyone with a spot of depression. As I said earlier, this was only my choice - I'm not suggesting it is for anyone else. I simply couldn't go through it again and I would do all in my power to shield my children from the effects of depression. My now wife is a happy, upbeat and cheerful woman in the face of incredible trials. Her trials, while serious and deadly, are met with a positive outlook and a smile. It turns out that's all my family needs to be happy. If you are able to support your NG throughout his depression, my hat's off to you. You're a hell of a woman. But I just couldn't do it again. I don't know if your actions, be they understanding or keeping your distance when he is going through his rough spots, truly have any impact on his depression. It may be it only affects you. The disease is the disease and may well be going to do what it does. Best wishes and good luck - Mike Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest nonesuch Posted November 13, 2015 Share Posted November 13, 2015 I wrestle with depression. I have no words of wisdom for you, either, but consider Portside's experience carefully. Do not settle for something that is harmful to you in the long run. Actually, late Husband would probably have been diagnosed with depression had he ever stopped drinking. Neither depression nor alcohol killed him, it was lung cancer. But it was hard living with that, and no doubt made my own life harder than it needed to be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted November 13, 2015 Share Posted November 13, 2015 I would personally think long and hard about about entering into a serious relationship with someone who suffers from clinical depression. It's not something you can fix for him. It's one thing to already be in love with someone who becomes ill during your relationship but to start a relationship knowing the other person has a serious illness takes a special person. Only you can know what you are willing and able to deal with and if the struggles will be worth the rewards of the the relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted November 13, 2015 Share Posted November 13, 2015 I can't be with an energy vampire. That's what I call it because I have been known to end relationships before I see the full blown depression. Nothing against a mental illness-I just choose not to get involved with someone who is negative/energy vampire. I need and give positive energy. Negativity sucks the life outta me and I need all my energy for my kids, responsibilities and myself. That's just me. Can't help it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TalksToAngels Posted November 13, 2015 Share Posted November 13, 2015 Best wishes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted November 13, 2015 Share Posted November 13, 2015 My boyfriend and father of my daughter is prone to depression. I call it contagious. A person who's down can bring you down. It depends on how bad it is, how frequent it is, how deep-seeded (is he just grumpy or does he not value life - there's a huge spectrum of depressed/bummed out). It depends on how easily affected you are by others' moods and emotions. It depends on so many things. I'd prefer to be with someone who wasn't depressed. I've never been with someone like this. It's a bummer. But in my situation it's not a dealbreaker. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SamNE Posted November 13, 2015 Author Share Posted November 13, 2015 Thank you so much for these perspectives and for sharing your own experiences. Lots to think about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheelerswife Posted November 13, 2015 Share Posted November 13, 2015 Sam, I give you credit for bringing this up and talking about it. It is important that we are able to discuss delicate issues in a sensitive way. I have a friend who is prone to depression, but he is also bright, interesting and communicative. We are just friends, though, and at quite a distance, so I can't really say what day-to-day life is like for him and those surrounding him. I was a long term caregiver in my first marriage and I don't know if I could knowingly take on a care-giving role in a new relationship. It looks like you can take some time to decide if this situation can work for you. You know yourself best, and it will be good to get a better handle on this good man's situation, too. Maureen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted November 13, 2015 Share Posted November 13, 2015 You're being so smart and strong about this. I admire it. It's not selfish to choose healthy over unhealthy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 So... I have depression. I'm what they call dysthymic, which is chronic low-grade depression. I've had a few episodes of major depression as an adult, and, yes, I've considered suicide. I'm on meds, and they do help, but they don't take it away entirely. I will defend myself by saying that I'm very self-aware and even though the depression sometimes threatens to drown me, I've always managed to drag myself through. Moreover, I've loved and supported a depressed spouse. I suppose, in a roundabout way, depression is what killed my Jim-- his health problems, his disability, and, ultimately, his demise can all be traced to lifestyle choices he made in response to a lifetime of depression. He had come such a long way in overcoming it, but the damage was done. I have to say that this thread... depresses me. I mean no disrespect to anyone, people should absolutely choose what is healthiest and best for them. Boundaries, lines in the sand, whatever. But speaking as one of the stigmatized... we deserve love and support as well. We don't choose depression, just like a person with diabetes doesn't choose to have a crappy pancreas or insulin resistance. Luck of the genetic draw, exacerbated by situation. And we're not weak; most of us fight the old hag with everything we have. Sometimes she wins. Just as in any disease state, people respond differently to treatment-- sometimes it works, sometimes not so much. I completely agree that it's not selfish to choose healthy over unhealthy. I've spent my whole life struggling to get and stay mentally healthy. If I can't maintain it, does that mean I can forget ever finding someone to love and support me? Because I lost the genetic lottery and have some jacked-up brain chemistry, there's no point in my hoping that I might have another partner someday? Please forgive the rant. But please consider cutting us depressed folk a little slack. This isn't our idea of fun, either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thejourney Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 Jen I just want to say that my feelings on what I am capable of handling now vs prewidow is drastically different. My DH had chronic medical issues when we met and I am a caretaker by nature so I never thought twice about persuing a relationship with him. Now, I have lived through his chronic illness, my Dads battle with cancer, my sons chronic medical diagnosis, and DHs cancer battle. I can no longer knowingly take on a partner with a known chronic disease, depression or physical illness. If my love were to develop something, I would undoubtedly step up to the plate because I love him. I guess my point is that I don't think that everyone should step away from a relationship with someone suffering with depression or any other illness but for those of us who are fragile or don't think we are up to the task of supporting someone else, we should be cautious. Your history of depression does not make you less lovable but you don't want to be with someone who can't stand by you when you need it the most. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 I guess my point is that I don't think that everyone should step away from a relationship with someone suffering with depression or any other illness but for those of us who are fragile or don't think we are up to the task of supporting someone else, we should be cautious. No, I understand that, and I would never suggest otherwise. I think now, more than ever, each of us needs to be careful with how we proceed. We are definitely fragile, and I know I'm not the only one for whom finding a sense of stability is of paramount importance. I do not underestimate that, I promise. Your history of depression does not make you less lovable but you don't want to be with someone who can't stand by you when you need it the most. It's entirely possible that I'm reading too much into this thread, because I've found the whole thing very triggering-- probably I should never have ventured in, much less opened my mouth-- but the responses seem, quite honestly, to indicate otherwise. I'd like to say that even in the depths of my worst depressions I have stood by loved ones who needed me-- that's pretty much the reason I'm still around. On the whole, I've found my grief to be much more selfish than my depression, but the grief is brutally honest, while the depression always lies. Anyway, I'm going to step out of here now. Please know I wish no one anything but the absolute best for them and their relationships. I'd just like to have some hope of having one again myself someday, but right now that seems particularly unlikely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
serpico Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 probably I should never have ventured in, much less opened my mouth Nonsense. You had something to say and you said it, and good for you I've also thought hard about topics like this and the responses that I often see. It's interesting, because it's common on this board to see people complain about others not 'getting' widows' problems and this inability to empathize is often viewed as some sort of character flaw. And yet, when the shoe is on the other foot and someone wonders about whether to get close to someone with difficulties of their own, we give widows wide latitude to do what they think is best with no adverse judgment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 it's common on this board to see people complain about others not 'getting' widows' problems and this inability to empathize is often viewed as some sort of character flaw. And yet, when the shoe is on the other foot and someone wonders about whether to get close to someone with difficulties of their own, we give widows wide latitude to do what they think is best with no adverse judgment. First, Jen, I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm speaking from my very specific experience. And keep in mind - I choose to stay with my depressed guy, every day, through all of it. So when you say it seems there's no hope of finding another partner because you're depressed based on the comments here: absolutely not. Would I prefer that depression was not part of my life? Absolutely. Would I choose away a person I love because of it? No. But I'd be lying if I said it's not difficult. It's difficult for the person living with it, and it's difficult for the people who love that person. It affects everyone, just as all of our baggage affects others. The difference is: the person who has depression doesn't choose it - the person who loves that person and sticks around, they do. So perhaps you should have MORE hope, not less. Serpico, I'm not of the "widows can do no wrong" camp or of the DGI outrage/DGI witch hunts. But when I'm talking to someone, I can see their side, and cheer them on and support them. We all have to do what's best for us, and we're all individuals. I love my boyfriend and I have empathy for him and I am loyal to and supportive of him. He's mine and I'm his. His pain is my pain, to a certain extent. It would be dishonest of me, though, to pretend it's easy. Taking on living with someone else's mental health struggles is no easy thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TalksToAngels Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 ^^^ yes What serpico wrote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gracelet Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 My wife died from depression. Bog standard, treatable depression. She was ashamed of being depressed and stopped taking her meds because she didn't want people judging her. It killed her. I therefore swore i'd never be in a relationship with someone with mental illness. Yet here I am falling in love again with a fellow bipolar woman. I'm totally screwed. All the best lesbians are crazy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 I dunno...I don't think of it as a double standard at all...just because you don't want in a relationship with someone who suffers fr clinical depression doesn't mean you can't support, be friends with, be there for someone with a mental illness. One of my closest girlfriends is bipolar. I knew this go around I didn't want involved with a man with young children-I have several single platonic male friends with little kids-we talk and share advice sometimes. Just because I don't want to date them doesn't mean I not there for them I think they are cool people: I don't date guys shorter than me-but that doesn't mean I don't find short guys cool to hang out with: Personal circumstances also come into play....losing DH to suicide and watching my brother battle manic depression for 20 years comes into play. But I think the important thing is knowing what you want and not leading anyone on. Which is why I said I have never gotten to the point of realizing someone is depressed in a relationship-usually never made it past first date for other reasons: It's a choice in looking for a partner-I know my list was black and white this time-but it worked for me-no one got hurt, no drama:..just knew what I wanted: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bear Tomás Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 I have suffered from depression most of my life and it is no joke. Some people are not meant to be with a person with mental illness or even mild depression but only you can answer that. Good luck, ma'am. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bear Tomás Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 But please consider cutting us depressed folk a little slack. This isn't our idea of fun, either. True Meds help me feel normal but I will sometimes go a little nuts. I am upfront about this with wimmin I date. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bear Tomás Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 My wife died from depression. Bog standard, treatable depression. She was ashamed of being depressed and stopped taking her meds because she didn't want people judging her. It killed her. Been there. Self medicated for years. It took Laurie dying and me left to raise our kids alone to seek help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now