Carey Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 Lets see, two years ago 11/13 my husband's daughter gave birth to a precious baby girl, making him a granddad. Two years ago 11/14 his favorite uncle died in his early 50s and he was in Saudi and couldn't come be with his family. This week two years ago was awful. He was off the rails drinking. He couldn't hide it even 7000 miles away. I was angry at him. VERY angry. We had days where I wouldn't answer Skype when it rang because I was "trying to teach him a lesson for worrying me", because he would disappear and not talk to me and I knew he was drinking. Did I stop and think how depressed he was? That he had a grandbaby he couldn't hold? Had lost a family member that was dear to him and he couldn't be there. That his birthday was rushing up fast and he'd be alone over there. That he'd miss his son's birthday the day after that? Our anniversary the week after that? Christmas the month after that. Did I for once quit being selfish long enough to put myself in his shoes and see the WHY behind the binge drinking? Sad thing is, alcohol is not legal there, so everything he drank was illegally made hooch ... no standards, no regulations, no nothing. You never knew WHAT you were drinking basically and it always hit him HARD. i'll write the whole story later this week when I can think better. I'd like to get it down "in print" so to speak. But for right now I just need coping skills. I dreamed about him the other night, that we were at the campground at the beach and he was wandering from campsite to campsite looking in other peoples coolers for alcohol. And then he started hitting me (something he never did...) I mean BEATING me till I was bleeding while I was begging him to just hold me. I think I was numb last year for the 1st anniversary. I don't know where 2 years has gone, but this is BAD right now. I'm having trouble at work, not getting anything done. Same at home. Maybe its the chemo and the fact that I feel so out of energy and drained all the time I have no defenses to fight the depression. I don't know. Monday is the actual anniversary and I'm going to have to work. I don't know how to get thru that. I am going to Alabama Friday for the Tide football game and I'm hoping that will be a helpful distraction. But I don't know how to survive till then, or get thru Monday. I just want November GONE. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 What a horrible dream! I wonder if subconsciously it's a visual representation of you beating yourself up about the circumstances of his death. I'm sorry you have so many additional triggers this month. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carey Posted November 17, 2015 Author Share Posted November 17, 2015 I wish there was a way not to see the "views" a post has received. 57? I feel like I'm talking into a vacuum. Have I done or said something wrong here? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
widowat33 Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 Aw Carey, Don't feel that way. I used to get discouraged when I would post with no responses, but it realized that sometimes people just don't know what to say. I am not overly articulate, so usually I don't respond or post. I'm sorry that November is such a tough month for you. With all that you are going through with your health I'm sure that doesn't help either. You mentioned needing coping skills, can I suggest something? Have you tried learning some self care strategies? If you want more info message me, I can maybe give you some ideas. Take care Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 Nothing I can say to change the pain you are experiencing but I want you to know you have been heard, and I know sometimes a virtual hug just isn't enough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donswife Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 yes you have been heard and wish I had more to say but we are here for you and you can never say anything wrong take care Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twistedmensa Posted November 18, 2015 Share Posted November 18, 2015 I don't post as much as I would like. It's not that I don't try. I have written many responses only to delete them before actually posting them. I am a veteran and I also worked many years in law enforcement so I have a bit of a hard edge to me so many times what I have to say is probably not what is needed. This wasn't problematic with DH as he was career military and also worked in law enforcement, but I am sometimes at a loss for words those with a different background. I am much more likely to hit "Like" in support of others who seem to be able to say what I mean in a more acceptable and supportive manner. But you have been heard and if a virtual hug is needed...I can absolutely hook you up.(((((Carey))))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trying2breathe Posted November 18, 2015 Share Posted November 18, 2015 Carey You are heard, I'm so sorry for the struggles and hope for some peace for you in the days ahead. I'm in the time frame of two years ago too - in many ways it's tougher now than in those dark early days. Reality is fully rooted, acceptance has set in and we are dealing with the daily sadness of it all. I so appreciate this new board, but it does seems that responses are less here than they were on YWBB for some reason. I too find myself reading, starting a post and then deleting - not sure why. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quixote Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 I hear you, too. Sometimes just don't have much to say other than dreams aren't easy for those who've lost. And his problems-- dang, that's hard. But go easy on yourself. You weren't selfish, it was just a terrible situation you dealt with best you could Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
linda5 Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 I also heard you. I don't know why we have periods when we're coping and then we get knocked down to our knees. Please don't blame yourself. The situation was hard on all of you. I'm sorry to hear of your health issues. I'll be praying that you have a complete recovery. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoVerySad Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 Carey, I'm sorry I missed your post earlier. First, some tight hugs for you! You are dealing with so much right now. While I understand the wishing you could rewrite the course of how everything happened and do things differently so Chad might still be here, you have to try to be kinder to yourself. You did the best you could at the time with what you knew at the time. You didn't have the knowledge of what was to come. It sucks that we can't somehow get a chance to go back and try to do something to keep our loves here with us, but it is the sad truth. I hope you can find a way to give yourself a break on what you feel were failings to save your energy for all the challenges you are currently facing. I'm sending you love and more hugs. Feel free to PM me if you would like a listening ear. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frostedglass Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 May your tomorrow reflect happy memories. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 ((((((((HUGS)))))))))) I wish I had more. Please hold on, sweetie. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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