Run over by the feel train

[Jess]

I got some amazingly awesome news about a posthumous honor LH is receiving. The National Center of Missing and Exploited children is placing a plaque for my husband in their Hall of Heroes for his work fighting against child pornography. I knew that the idea was out there, but I had dismissed it as one of those things that would be nice but would never actually happen. I received an email at work on Thursday letting me know my company had been trying to come up with some way of saying thank you for my work testifying in court for a huge trial and nothing seemed right until they found out about this. Thus, I will be heading to DC all expenses paid to attend the ceremony and get a tour of NCMEC in January. They are also having me stay a few more days to go sightseeing on them.

 

When I read the email at work, I burst into tears. Luckily, we had a work event that week so only one other person was in the room with me and she handled my breakdown amazingly. Since then, I've been about 2 seconds from crying or actually crying pretty much constantly. I can analyze or over-analyze the reasons for why such good news has impacted me so strongly, but it doesn't help put myself back together to a functioning level again. I am crazy proud of him and hope there is somehow he knows, but damn this is an honor he would have earned after a long career of helping so many that needed it, not a year and a half after his sudden death at 34. It just has brought so much to the surface and I'm just trying to tread through it.

[donswife]

Jess I am so sorry about the unexpected news of hearing this honor/award for your husband at work

Very nice of your company to follow through with this

I understand how it brings it all back , they should be here to accepted the award

we should be there beaming with pride at all the great things they did , and for people acknowledging their accomplishments

just makes it bring up all emotions to the front .

Keeping treading through and it sounds without a doubt your husband deserves to be on the hall of heroes

take care

 

 

[SoVerySad]

Tight hugs to you, Jess! First, congratulations on your achievement, as well as the recognition for your husband. Such important work he did - work that I'm sure must have been difficult. I wish he could be here to celebrate both honors with you.

 

More hugs...

[Wheelerswife]

Hugs, Jess.

 

You must be so proud of your husband and the work he did and what he stood for.  Your experience reminds me of some of the things that trigger me into anxiety and panic.  I have similar issues when something comes up that honors my second husband John.  I think that these situations...a Lifetime Achievement Award (who gets one in their mid 50's?) or a major event on campus where the day is named for him...these things knock the wind out of me, quite literally.  It takes me time to get past them, but I do.  I hope that they get easier, because some things will now occur on a yearly basis.

 

I think sometimes, we just need to cry things out.  For me, I occasionally need to use rescue medication and just try to go to sleep.  Calling out to my good widow friends helps, too.  They get it and can be supportive without telling me I am overreacting.

 

It's hard...yes.  Sometimes really hard.  Keep treading.

 

Maureen

[Trying]

What a mixed bag of emotions this all comes with.  I think you have to just take it all in and let the feelings fall where they do, not easy when they hit at work though I am sure.

[Jess]

Thank you for your supportive words. It means a lot. I am feeling a bit more like "me" this morning, which is good. I am so excited and humbled by his honor, but it is just a minefield of emotions. LH's sister is going to join me for the ceremony and for a weekend of sightseeing. It will be good for us to spend some time together. With her living in PA we talk, but obviously do not get to see each other. I think this will be really good for both of us. I expect there may be some meltdowns to come, but hopefully I will continue to weather them and make it through to the other side. Thank you all again.

[Jen]

((((((JESS)))))))

 

That is so exciting!! But I think it would feel like a bit of a slap in the face to me as well... or maybe just a bucket of cold water. Meltdowns are completely acceptable. I'd love to see pix!

[lcoxwell]

I have no words, but I am sending you tight, tight hugs. I guess, if I were in your shoes, I would likely be crying, too. Having been married to a former, decorated cop, I feel that honors, like these, should be something they are here to receive. They should be able to look back at all the good they have done, and I am sorry that your husband can't be there to be honored in person.

[kjs1989]

So awesome! These posthumous awards are so bittersweet. My husband received several, too, for his work in conservation.

 

It is so cool you get to go to the ceremony. And to me, it is very brave of you, too! I am glad your sister will be with you. Those  dedication events are so hard for me. I bowed out of a couple. One opening event in his honor at a nature preserve was going to be celebratory with balloons, free hot dogs and such. I just couldn't do it.

[Lisa]

Such an incredible honor. It makes all the sense in the world that you would be flooded with emotions.

[Jess]

The trip to DC is here. 8:30am flight tomorrow I am not packed for yet. I have a lot of nervousness to see my SIL again and to see how I handle the emotions of his honor. I feel it will be good, but still... butterflies.

[canadiangirl]

Best of luck!  I hope it goes amazingly well.

[Wheelerswife]

Hugs, Jess!  So many emotional points in your life lately!

 

Maureen

[Jess]

Today was our visit to NCMEC. It went really well. I had some tears upon seeing the plaque, but pulled it together for the tour. What an amazing tour it was! Our guides knew Joe and could speak about his specific work, which were the parts of the tour that meant the most to my heart. My SIL and I had many questions about emotional wellness of investigators since we saw firsthand how Joe was affected, so it was fortunate to have one of our guides be part of that initiative.

 

We also got a tour of other areas, including the forensics lab where we met that very small team of people that do the age progressions for missing children as well as building probable faces and features of skeletal remains. The former was fascinating. The latter was very heady stuff, but hearing the passion in which they spoke about their work so that children are given back their names after death was incredibly inspiring.

 

After our tour and visit was over, pretty much as soon as we stepped onto the sidewalk I lost it and had a good, old-fashioned public widda cry. It was cleansing. Over lunch, my SIL and I talked about how right it was that he had his spot on that wall. I talked about how it felt like he was now everywhere he should be. Part of his ashes are with my SIL, part are with me, and his name is on that wall. Those were the three things he loved the best- his wife, his sister, and his work. I have no grave marker for Joe, but now in a way I feel like I do- something that will tell anyone that passes through those doors that once upon a time Joe was alive and when he was, he was an advocate for children. Other than having him with me, I couldn't ask for anything more.