I should be over it by now

[Guest running with scissors]

I have just been told that at a little past 5 years I should be over it.  Over his Life, Over his Death!!  Really  really ?  sure , OKAY,    will that make YOU happy?  I am alone, have been for 5 years,  no one knows how i feel everyday without him,  I am almost at the point of giving up,  no one cares,  I have no one in my life but a selfish  21 year old  who thinks I should just forget the past..  I have never pictured myself in this situation.

[iloveyoualways]

Running with scissors, at almost five years I am starting to feel human again. In the beginning I could never believe that it would take that long as I would never survive that long without him. Or that it would take that short and life would eventually just go on. I learned not to talk about the excruciating psychological torment and physical symptoms from an unexpected loss, and all of the losses following it. Others are not comfortable with the depth of our loss and must believe that there is something broken inside if we just "can't let go and move on". I remember watching other parents before I became one and privately criticizing their parenting. I would do it differently I said to myself. We'll my child ended up worse in the store than may of the children who I saw there in the past.  My biggest accomplishment in the early days was to feed, clothe, bathe, and keep my son safe. I accomplished that. And I was the only one who knew the struggle to get up. So until someone has survived widow hood they should keep their comments to themselves. It is really difficult. Thinking if you.

[kjb]

Today is my LH 51st birthday - he passed away on September 5, 2015. I don't know what to think or feel - I am lost.

 

[IfIonlycould]

Running-Quite frankly I'm with iloveyoualways,  I did not even begin to feel a bit like me again until 5 years and beyond,  as a matter of fact it has just been in this past year that I feel the real me returning, it will be 8 years for me in July.  No one knows until they have been in our shoes and I too wish they would keep their thoughts to themselves.  I'm sorry you had to hear someone say this.

 

 

kjb-I felt so lost, just so lost....I am so sorry you have had the reason to join us, please keep coming here and reading and posting, it helped me immensely to finally find other people who "got it".  I posted and read every day many times a day in the newly widowed section when I first joined, it was an absolute lifeline when I was just drifting along. 

[canadiangirl]

runningwithscissors, so sorry to hear you were patronized in this way.  5 years feels like a drop in a bucket of years to me.  I hope things ease up for you somehow soon.

[Lisa]

I feel a decent balance at six and a half years but I will always love and miss him. I take bi. With me in my heart No matter what. Don't let anyone shame you for grieving.

[Bear Tomás]

You "get over" a cold, never the death of a loved one.

[Guest running with scissors]

Thanks everyone.  Bear I love your response,  I'll have to remember that.

[Freelancing]

Problem is people compare people to others. I know numerous former widows who remarried, many make a good public appearance at the same time grieve in hiding even from their new spouse.

Think of it this, people who say these things either have not experienced this type of loss or they're thinking of someone else. oh, one more .... they're just plain stupid!

[ladybug]

I have been a widow for over 6  years.  I have dated a few men.....but I will never get over my husband.  I have just learned to live with the pain of his passing.

 

There is not a day that I don't think of him.  I don't cry everyday any more, but I still think of him and miss him very much.

 

People who have not go through this will never understand what we feel.  They are very blessed indeed, and they don't even realize it.  I wish I could turn back the clock and be that married lady again......those were my best days.

 

So very sorry you are in pain.  I do understand how you feel.

[Torn]

running with scissors,

  You and I seem somehow bonded on many levels of or loss & current circumstance.

 

  getting over it,isn't applicable...

 

  Rebuilding small fragments of ourselves is what I believe we do.

  In efforts to strive on we try to rebuild,crumb by crumb and brick by brick.It's very hard for us the widow/er because with each crumb we attempt to rebuild with,we sadly have to accept that  particular crumb/brick is a memory that's nolonger a shared memory,but a memory we cherish alone,personally this for me is what makes this a difficult process.

      For today every time I can, I'll recall these crumbs & bricks belong to the man I can and will be again.

 

  You'll not get over, you'll learn to appreciate the person you are and will be, because of who you loved ~ToRn

 

[Candace]

People dont understand that we are not only grieving for our spouse.  We are grieving for that special entity that was "us", for the one person you could show your inner fears and KNOW they would always love you anyway.  We grieve for a future we had envisioned but will never have the chance to experience.

 

I have never felt so alone in my life as I do now.  Except for here, I have learned to never speak of DH, its as if he never existed; no one remembers his birthday, our anniversary (would have been 15 years this past December 2nd) or even the day he died,  And if I am honest, I am very angry and hurt that his name is never mentioned.  On the old board, there was a thread in the general section called "SAY HIS/HER NAME!!!!"  It struck a chord with everyone and went on page after page for a very long time. 

 

At least here, we speak the same language and never have to remain silent.

 

 

 

[Torn]

Amen Sister..

    Every time I mention my widespread name,even to her father and mother it's a GIANT avoidance on their part.

  I can't & won't erase my history with her and anyone who insist on me doing so can get a running start & screw themselves.

 

People dont understand that we are not only grieving for our spouse.  We are grieving for that special entity that was "us", for the one person you could show your inner fears and KNOW they would always love you anyway.  We grieve for a future we had envisioned but will never have the chance to experience.

 

I have never felt so alone in my life as I do now.  Except for here, I have learned to never speak of DH, its as if he never existed; no one remembers his birthday, our anniversary (would have been 15 years this past December 2nd) or even the day he died,  And if I am honest, I am very angry and hurt that his name is never mentioned.  On the old board, there was a thread in the general section called "SAY HIS/HER NAME!!!!"  It struck a chord with everyone and went on page after page for a very long time. 

 

At least here, we speak the same language and never have to remain silent.

[MauiMermaid]

People dont understand that we are not only grieving for our spouse.  We are grieving for that special entity that was "us", for the one person you could show your inner fears and KNOW they would always love you anyway.  We grieve for a future we had envisioned but will never have the chance to experience.

 

I have never felt so alone in my life as I do now.  Except for here, I have learned to never speak of DH, its as if he never existed; no one remembers his birthday, our anniversary (would have been 15 years this past December 2nd) or even the day he died,  And if I am honest, I am very angry and hurt that his name is never mentioned.  On the old board, there was a thread in the general section called "SAY HIS/HER NAME!!!!"  It struck a chord with everyone and went on page after page for a very long time. 

 

At least here, we speak the same language and never have to remain silent.

 

Going on 3 years and you said it so well. Feeling very much the same right now. On the surface, I seem to be moving "forward" - new job, new home, new relationship. What people don't understand is that the pain of losing my husband, our dreams, "us" and ultimately "me" never goes away. We move forward because we are resilient and adapt. But we will never be the same.

 

(((Hugs))))

[MrsT85]

Going on 3 years and you said it so well. Feeling very much the same right now. On the surface, I seem to be moving "forward" - new job, new home, new relationship. What people don't understand is that the pain of losing my husband, our dreams, "us" and ultimately "me" never goes away. We move forward because we are resilient and adapt. But we will never be the same.

 

(((Hugs))))

 

MM, I could have written this word for word.  It'll be three years at the beginning of April.  In that time, I've been promoted, moved into a new apartment, and gotten engaged.  I'm supposed to be getting married at the end of June.  To all outside indications I've also moved so far forward with my life.

 

I still cry every day.  I still think of him constantly.  I would still give up everything I've worked to rebuild to have him back.  This is a good life that I'm working on making for myself, but the life I'll always always pine for is the one that ended the day he died.

 

I move forward because I have to.  But I'm never "moving on" to a place where it's not soul crushingly painful that he's not here to build a life with me anymore. 

 

 

[MauiMermaid]

MM, I could have written this word for word.  It'll be three years at the beginning of April.  In that time, I've been promoted, moved into a new apartment, and gotten engaged.  I'm supposed to be getting married at the end of June.  To all outside indications I've also moved so far forward with my life.

 

I still cry every day.  I still think of him constantly.  I would still give up everything I've worked to rebuild to have him back.  This is a good life that I'm working on making for myself, but the life I'll always always pine for is the one that ended the day he died.

 

I move forward because I have to.  But I'm never "moving on" to a place where it's not soul crushingly painful that he's not here to build a life with me anymore.

 

MrsT85, happy to hear all the new milestones. I know how hard each step must have been for you. (((Hugs)))

 

You totally nailed it - "I would still give up everything I've worked to rebuild to have him back". Like you, I still cry every day. Think of him every minute of the day. Music was so central to our lives (I seem to recall for you, as well) so my life with him is constantly on replay (whether it be a band he loved or a new band that I'd love him to hear). I don't think I'll ever feel the same "happy" I used to before. Those feelings of true happiness and peace, by all accounts, died with him that day.