Blatant disrespect from my Daughter, opinions please

[Torn]

Unbelievable Christmas stuff.

 

  Well out a the blue today I get a phone call from  my friend to let me know how cute my Christmas decorations are & how it's good I'm carrying on tradition.

 

  Guess what, MY "DAUGHTER" decorated her & her husband's room and posted them on Facebook,hence my  surprise & misundertanding of "my decorations"looking cute.

 

  I don't Facebook and because of me not intruding the space of my "breastfeeding daughter" I had no idea that:

 

The Christmas decorations her Mother & I bought and decorated with when she was a toddler are being used

In MY HOUSE & much like THANKSGIVING I watched these 2 22 year old kids ostracize me from their thoughts of thanksgiving and obviously Christmas aswell.

 

  I'm FREAKING LIVID.

 

Is this not a OVER THE TOP attempt at being a couple of complete ASSWHOLES?

 

I can't even figure the goal out here,is this punishment? Is it a blatant attempt to be crude??

            totally unreal the ignorance they've stooped to at this point.

 

    At times I've felt ,there was mental abuse.

Well it's obvious now.

[Torn]

I couldn't find a way to edit.

 

  Being that my daughter is breastfeeding I don't go into their room during the day & I never Facebook so I had no idea until now.

[Guest nonesuch]

I guess i don't understand how using decorations is disrespectful?  These are things that are in the house, things she probably looks at sentimentally.  If you didn't feel like putting them up, and she thought looking at them would be hurtful to you, she put them up where you wouldn't see them.  Do you consider them yours and your alone to use and she was presumptuous to take them?

 

Or was it that you wanted to decorate and reminisce, and she took that opportunity away from you?

 

I understand they excluded you from Thanksgiving, too.  Did you talk to them about that?  I realize they behaved poorly, but (playing Devil's advocate) maybe they thought you wouldn't feel like joining them, or that you weren't up to anything remotely connecting to thankfulness yet. 

 

I can tell you're really angry and hurting, but from your posts it's not clear if you've been straightforward about your feelings *to them*.  I'm reading your post here, and it's obvious you're devastated and angry, but it isn't clear exactly what the issue is.

[soloact]

Torn, to me your posts read as if you are an intruder in your own home. Someone to be ignored or disregarded. I'm very sorry about the situation.

[Guest TalksToAngels]

I can't see the disrespect of them decorating. Is it their issue or yours. If it's your house, and you're  not happy with the situation or living arrangements obvious you need to discuss this.

[THATgurl]

Again, Torn, I think it would be good if you would reach out to someone in your local community about your living situation.  If you are unsure who to contact, I am happy to try to help you figure that out through private messages.  If the situation is indeed abusive or bordering on volatile, you need help.  If you need help, it is really important to take the first steps toward getting that help.

 

I am also not quite sure what the exact problem is with the recent situation, but it is clearly distressing for you.  I am sorry you are experiencing that.  Wishing you peace and comfort throughout the holidays.

[Torn]

Ok..after a nights sleep "sorta".

 

  Firstly, my mother made ceramics & after she past & I moved my dad in until he passed 5 years later my wife and I packed up and stored my mother's ceramics that she kept for herself through time, some where Christmas decorations some just ornamental art.

  My wife and I had started building a "giant" shelf system to display these things my mom made,aswell as my wife's Grandmother's ceramics.

  I'm upset because these items aren't theirs to use,where not used throughout my daughter's childhood & honestly I was afraid my daughter & her brother would break things that I could never replace.

  These items will have to be packed up by me,or they will never get packed back until I finish that giant bookshelf.

 

There decorations aren't "theirs" to use.much like my clothes aren't the S.I.L's to wear just because he needs to do laundry.

Every year my daughter & wife got me a couple of t-shirts with crazy skulls,dragons...etc (in a Tattoo artist of 22 years), I don't want him wearing my clothes.

 

At times I realize that part of my "issue" is I really didn't intend to share everything I ever owned with them, I kinda thought when you move in with someone you have a mutual respect for their possessions & their home,of course a mutual respect for the housemate as a fellow human.

    Maybe I'm selfish and if so,I gotta say for me these are keepsake/ memories that can't be replaced.

 

I apologize everyone, I'm just having a tough time dealing with Christmas & for my daughter to decorate their room just feels as if, I being blatantly left out of the holidays all together & to add insult to injury, Their using my mom's ceramics to help "brighten" my torture...it's tough it's probably just me.

 

  sorry again,like I said this holiday is torturous for me and after I watched these kids do thanksgiving without me, well I'm still mad about that.

 

[MrsMisterman]

Dear Torn,

 

If I understand correctly, your daughter and family moved into your home after your wife passed under the guise of helping you with your grief and your own health/ disabilities issues. Instead, they've hijacked your home and your grief. Excluding you from family events like turkey dinner and decorating. They take your things, break sentimental objects, and disregard your important mail. You want to be there for your daughter and infant grandchild- but the toxic SIL with his control issues and quick temper make that near impossible. They've interrupted your mourning of your wife in your own way that have damaging impacts on your own ability to process the pain and loss. Did I get that all right?

 

I agree with ThatGirl. And I hope you take her up on her offer. You've got to get your home back. Home is sanctuary. And I know you want to be there for your daughter when she finally "wises up"- your words- over the guy. But probably the best thing would be for you to be able to provide her and your grandchild a safe place to flee to if she does leave him. You can't do that if the guy is in YOUR house, also making you miserable.

 

 

[Trying]

You need to take back your home before your relationship with your daughter is permanently damaged.  It doesn't matter if any of us understand why her using your decorations upset you, the fact is that you feel disrespected and your daughter doesn't seem to notice or care.  The loss of a spouse leaves us feeling like we have lost control of our lives and our future so when someone interferes with the control we still have it can be very upsetting.

 

Big hugs to you.

[Wheelerswife]

I can certainly understand your sense of violation.  I don't have children and in many ways I don't have the same understanding that parents would have of wanting to provide a roof over the head of an adult child or a young grandchild, but I can project myself far enough to understand why you have opened your home to your daughter and her family.  She has violated your space, your possessions and your good will.  Her husband does seem controlling, at least from what you have said in previous posts.  She may feel as if she cannot go against what he tells her or what he does.

 

I'm not sure what the best course of action is here, but I really do think that you need to let them know they are no longer welcome to stay.  You seem to have to fend for yourself in spite of your disabling conditions, so they are adding to your angst rather than helping you.

 

Hang in there...you at least have moral support from me!

 

Maureen

[Guest nonesuch]

Now it all makes sense, thanks for the explanation.

 

You've received the same advice, over and over, that the young 'uns need to be spoken to and/or find their own place to be.  Seriously, I mean this, they have little business starting a family until they are self supporting.  As I mentioned to you before,  if SIL found a job across the country, they'd move.  They'd make their own home, somehow.  Yet, in all your posts, I found only one reference to the fact that you **hoped** they were looking for a place.  There is no mention or hint that you've discussed this with them.  While they should be sensitive and considerate of your wishes and feelings, it is apparent that without you standing up for yourself, they will continue to take advantage of you.  The late columnist Ann Landers used to write, "No one can take advantage of you without your consent." 

 

They are making you feel like an intruder in your own home. They fuss about your dogs.  They appropriated things precious to you without asking for permission and yet you have (as best as I can infer) avoided any meaningful discussion of a timeline for them to move.  I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but they are acting like clods, and they will continue to do so until you call them out on it.  Your daughter is not YOU, she married and moved out on her own when she married.  She lost her mother so shortly after - and that's tragic, but it doesn't give her permission to pull this. It sounds like she will though, until you take the bull by the horns and stand up for yourself.

 

Yesterday my brother and his wife attended the marriage of their older grandchild.  They have an in-law apartment added on to their house that housed my Mom until she died two and a half years ago.  Grandchild and Bride have been told they may live in the apartment - for a mere six months.  They are very young, they have no money to speak of, and they are both working and going to school part-time. Sister-in-law's Father passed away a couple months ago, and her mother will be moving in.  Not now, maybe not even six months from now, but eventually she will. The Bride and groom do not have carte blanche to stay as long as they want, and they know that, knew that, before the wedding.

 

How did they know that?  Someone decided.  Someone explained the parameters before the bad habits were made. Grown people living with parents is difficult at best (Hence the in-law apartment, and not two bedrooms of a three bedroom home.)  It is your home, but clearly wishing your daughter and SIL become more considerate is not going to make them change.  YOU have to change.

 

If you don't want them to move out, maybe they can do what my Mom did. My Mother *paid for the apartment* to be added onto my brother's home.  Bro and wife were there to check on her, but she had her own space, and they had theirs.

 

 

[Torn]

Thank you so so very much for all the ideas & support.

 

  I've not put a deadline on the "get out" decision,or stated it to them verbally, partially because of Christmas and partly due to the newborn.

 

I will once this holiday has passed

 

  In short I'll say, my Mom died when I was 18 years old,my dad kicked me out of our house 6 months after she passed away,I hated him for that & his lack of emotional support on any level where momma was concerned.

    Because of my experience at 18 i felt "casted out" as if I did something to deserve his actions,in retrospect he was grieving and at that point missing a woman as his companion & thought I would interfere.

 

  Well I learned a lot through life & it's been a year and a half,I don't expect either my daughter or myself to have fully recovered from our loss,but at the same time..

  I have to value myself more & not put her in front of my needs as a human.

      When "they" leave this house when only a day,it's like the worlds problems lift off my shoulders.

  It feels wrong to want her to leave,but honestly it's not her or the infant, it's the lil powetmad nature of the spouce she chose,prior to meeting him she had respect for sentimental things & her moral compass was more true.

    I suppose we all make mistakes,the issue here is that HE is her mistake not mine.

 

  Thanks again everyone,special thanks to Runs With Scissors you've been so sweet and kind to me, I appreciate it greatly.

 

 

[Guest nonesuch]

 

the issue here is that HE is her mistake not mine.

 

Out from under your roof, it will be quite obvious where the issue is...I suspect life with him somewhere else, she'll still find herself walking on eggshells.

[Torn]

I've used that as a reason aswell, he's got control issues and  jealous in odd ways.

  I've seen guys like him & the majority of them became abusive physically,if the female doesn't leave them before they have a chance to get physical.

  So as a Daddy I was hoping she would see through this young fellow,but she loves him and has a infant with him now.

 

To hear my daughter say daddy he's so jealous & it's so cute,well it's difficult to keep my mouth shut & not state the TRUTH.

 

I hoped she would realize his potential for abuse and move on.

 

  When a boyfriend or girlfriend gets pissy when you talk to your parents and express joy that you & your parents had fun laughing and playing...etc ; with the result being a huffy puffy spouce,well to me that's not healthy, IMHO.

 

I'm very thankful to you all & really appreciate the support & suggestions.

 

 

 

 

[pms1954]

Torn, I work as a DV advocate and it does sound like he is grooming her already. It might be worth getting some pamplets on DV and control and leave them around. So many young women at that age do not know how abuse gets started and do think the jealousy is because they love them so much. If theres any way to make information available to her, it might help.

[Torn]

What does the term DV,stand for?

 

 

 

Well "Merry Christmas" Eve..

 

  I woke up to a giant text message from my daughter,reguarding dogs and getting rid of them....

 

Every time I spend anytime with my daughter ,today we made brownies.

  There's a constant stressful afternoon I watch her indure.

Stress from her (dumbass husband) & it overflows onto me & anything that can be pointed out as a trigger item she lashes out in my direction.

 

  Well I've experienced this on Thanksgiving & now Christmas eve.

  These 2nd year holidays have been hell for me emotionally & each of them are exasperated by my daughter.

 

Common sence says that it's a stressful time for her aswell.

  I just don't honestly see why she lashes out on me like this.

 

It's so painful, these holidays are hard enough.Then for my daughter who knew & loved her momma aswell to lash out,well it's devistating **heart pumping**.

 

  Part of me is ToRn to shreads the other part is just mad that there is no consideration for my feelings at all..

  My pulse is steadily climbing & another holiday has been demolished by the young couple who evidently have no respect for me.

  I'm very sorry to rant,but I can't remember being so utterly disrespected in my life.

  At times I feel ToRn as to what is healthy to do as a father/grandfather,but at this point:

 

I'm extremely sick & it's a effort to sit upright and spend time with my daughter and infant,then each time I do,there's some form of punishment when that lil guy gets home.

  Slamming doors,yelling and screaming from the 2 of them fighting...then it overflows onto me.

    I can't take it,but I don't want to see her move to a place where he can beat on her as his "grand final'e".

 

  Pain & Hate flow from me at an alarming rate right now,I guess I'm thankful to not be in tears.

  Dammit!!!!

 

 

 

[Torn]

Really I swear, it's exactly like it was when I was a child.

  I remember my mother being given the cold shoulder and her trying to understand what she had done,only to end in a screaming match that leads to physical violence.

 

Then as a menopausal lady at that time,she often vented her anger onto me.

  I hated my life at those times and now :

  For all 20 years of marriage my wife and I never raised voices and worked things out,I kinda felt I made an example for my daughter,I really thought I did.

 

Now to hear the screaming & fighting and feel I'm catching overflow is extremely painful and I can't stand it.

  I'm stuck,I miss my sweet/mean wife ,but she would have stopped this fighting or made them leave.

  It's aweful to try and deal with extreme physical pain and to also grieve loosing my wife.

  The addition of these 2 screaming,all the time wondering why their baby us screaming,well it's beyond hard for me....I can't stand it,I feel like I'm dying inside all over again, sickining.

    This is wrong & shouldn't be this way, I'm doing nothing be standing by and watching & waiting for them to escalate to becoming physical,well the baby is a month old,long time to go for them.

    If I'm talking to myself that's ok,I just am being made to feel so small and insignificant.

  This is tourchourous for me, I despise that boy, and I sure don't like that I dislike him like this.

  It's all to much & I wish there was a support hotline for people in Widow dispair.

    I'd be talking on that hotline right now.

[soloact]

What does the term DV,stand for?

 

 

 

Well "Merry Christmas" Eve..

 

  I woke up to a giant text message from my daughter,reguarding dogs and getting rid of them....

 

 

Response : If anyone leaves the dogs will be the last ones.

[Torn]

What does the term DV,stand for?

 

 

 

Well "Merry Christmas" Eve..

 

  I woke up to a giant text message from my daughter,reguarding dogs and getting rid of them....

 

 

Response : If anyone leaves the dogs will be the last ones.

  That was awesome & made me smile, a smile is worth so much right now.

  Really that was a GREAT REPLY

[sojourner]

Torn, I'm so sorry for the way things are going. Hoping things come to a resolution soon; this sure can't go on indefinitely. You're entitled to run your home your way. 

 

And by all means, your dogs stay!

[soloact]

What does the term DV,stand for?

 

 

 

Well "Merry Christmas" Eve..

 

  I woke up to a giant text message from my daughter,reguarding dogs and getting rid of them....

 

 

Response : If anyone leaves the dogs will be the last ones.

  That was awesome & made me smile, a smile is worth so much right now.

  Really that was a GREAT REPLY

 

Glad it made you smile, Torn. I've actually told that to a few folks who were of the impression that they called the shots at my house. They offered no rebuttal.

 

Hope your holiday brings some peace.

[Guaruj]

Torn asked this question...

 

What does the term DV,stand for?

 

...regarding this post:

 

Torn, I work as a DV advocate and it does sound like he is grooming her already. It might be worth getting some pamplets on DV and control and leave them around. So many young women at that age do not know how abuse gets started and do think the jealousy is because they love them so much. If theres any way to make information available to her, it might help.

 

My understanding this that pms1954 used DV to mean "domestic violence". I hope you are able to prevent that from happening in your home. You may want to discuss this subject with her further.

[Torn]

Thank you all so much.

  She lashed out at me thanksgiving & now Christmas...

  Well screw em all, I swear I never have been so mad.

 

It's really hard this year, holiday wise and  to have the only kid you 'had' be a outright ass, well it tops everything.

 

I wanted to go to my fatherinlaw house for Christmas,but Hell I don't want to be anywhere "they are".

  Shit like this makes you want to be a raving ass, right back at them and do things for spite.

    It's all I can do at this point to not ruin what lil relationship between us there is.

    So here I sit quietly pissed as a hornet.

      So really screw them, I dont deserve this disrespect at all.

  Hopefully thell be gone soon.

 

It should prove something to me that each time they leave,I feel a lil better.

  I've been "sucking" it up to long,it's terrible.

        I mean damn,and I actually bought them a gift WTF am I thinking......lesson learned.

 

 

Thank you al soooooooooo much, I really mean that.

  I've lost to much,and don't need the extra hatred in my life.

  Enough.

[paulhaltom]

So it took my husband over four years from his diagnosis to pass - I never left his side, I got trained in all areas of critical care so i could bring him home - by the time he passed he was a blind quad, that could not breath or swallow on his own - and it was me that turned his machine off and held him until the end. Our children saw all of this, his family saw all of this , telling me how thankful they were that I was in his life - so I could help him through this....at his memorial (1) the toast from the boys was that they were glad there mother (who passed 16 years ago) and there father could be "back together" (2) the family didn't mention me in his obituary (3) within one month I have been called a murderer - that he died because of my neglect , the kids actually hired an attorney to try and sue me for the rights to my husbands half of some land we own - i never saw it coming. I was with him for 15 years - paid for two of them to go to school, I was there for them - and in the end they abandoned me. I share this with you so you can know you aren't alone - we all grieve differently , .my only advice I can give is that if they aren't helping you through your grief, don't invest to much emotional energy to her, all we can do is love our kids - they don't mean to hurt us when they do , but they can hurt us worse than friends or strangers - I will always love my kids, but I stopped trying to communicate with them, because it was making my recovery harder - stay strong, feel free to drop me a line on here if you ever need to talk about family and the grief process - i am sure I am not alone....there are so many of us that have children - and from what I have read - all of us react completely differently in the grief process - my thoughts and prayers are with you

[Torn]

Thank you for sharing your story with me,it's true we all grieve different.

  I agree I'm allowing her words hurt me more than they should.

  There's no help in any fashion being given,quite honestly there's nothing but spite,she's unhappy I just happened to catch the brunt of it.

  When my wife was alive , this daughter would lash out her younger and hurt my wife's feelings so bad,it took everything I could do to get my wife to understand,this was just childish & would pass.

  Well I'll always love the memories of my wife and daughter enjoying each other's lives together.

  This isn't the daughter I watched grow up this is the unhappy mother of an infant, trying to control everything she can,probably because she feels out of control herself some how.

    I'm having a better day today and I'm greatful for everyone here that has been kind enough to reach out to me.

  I've not experienced this total disrespect from a child before,so I guess I'm new to it.

    So I of course love that lil girl she was,but the 22 year old vulger mouthed lil woman ,well I don't care for,but I find peace in knowing.

    I never said anything that could  make her hate me,that's not to say it won't happen...it just hasn't yet.

  But I did love the little girl she was.

 

Thank you all, ToRn