Why such feeling of loss all over again.

[Torn]

Well here it goes...

 

  Because of the "daughter stress" & holidays I find myself in shambles.

  Shaking like a leaf not eating,increased physical pain and it's like I'm morning again.

  I'm at a fucking loss.

It seems so easy for others to get past loosing my wife,but I'm not doing well.

    I stay in fear of what to do or not to do & am lost in it all.

  Freaking sick inside from tears and lack of understanding,you all know what it's like to experience loss of a spouse & for everyone in the world to walk away as if nothing ever happened.

  Well I hate that I'm feeling this pain,I hate my physical limitations & require surgery and deserve this surgery to be able to move on in life.

  I'm stuck in a mess of emotional distress and I can't stand the pain any longer.

  It's hell & I can't find an outlet of comfort or relief.

  I know I'm depressed & I'm bipolar I've taken medicine for my bipolar disorder for 20 years.

  I'm at a loss,I kinda feel like I'll never move on, there's constantly a nagging feeling of loss and I can't be made to feel better.

  What can I do?

I swear it feels like my anxiety has tripled over night & it's very similar to sudden loss.

  Sorry for rambling on and on, I just am demolished inside and fear seems to rule my presence.

    This is Hell & I can't seem to escape this hated feeling.

  Thanks for allowing me to post, ToRn

 

[Jess]

I am so sorry things are so rough right now. So many times i wish I had a magic wand to make everyone's pain go away, but I can just offer that we're all here and listening.

 

I don't think there is moving on from this loss. It's too great of a loss. I do think there is moving forward from it and taking the love with you to find strength. Easier said than than done, right?

 

For some practical advice, if you are not eating try getting some pre-made protein shakes so you are getting some calories. Those helped me a lot when food was just too tough to manage or I just didn't care about staying alive. I am not sure if you have checked with your doctor recently, but if not it may be a good thing to make an appointment to talk about options for helping the increased anxiety.

 

Grief is a strange beast. At times I feel like I have learned to live with it, but then it still brings me to my knees, typically with no warning. Sometimes it still feels so impossible this all is happening, like I am living someone else's life.

 

We are always here to be an outlet so keep on posting. We hear you.

 

 

[Torn]

Thanks for reaching out and I wish there was a magic wand aswell.

 

I've been reducing smoking and I ALWAYS FORGET, how rapidly cutting a nicotine habit effects my bipolar disorder in a negative way.

  Each Time I quit or make major adjustments, I feel like my psych disorder throws me for a loop.

  Obviously the largest thing on my mind is the loss of my Wife, so that's the direction my tears flow.

   

The holidays, well I didn't have any holiday, thanks to hateful daughter doing anything she could to ruin things on my end & it's maddening to be on the receiving end of her spite.

    So I wanna reach out to friends to just "not think" about current issues and obviously everyone is busy with family, which drives me back to square one of depression.

  Tough spot to be in.

   

  So about that magic wand, I really could use it about now ...

Torn

[Amor]

I am sorry you are hurting so much.  It is so not fair.  The waves of grief crashing in without warning.  I miss the Love of my life.  I do not think I will move on but I do like Jess saying we can move forward.  Some days the wave takes you backwards but sometimes letting the tears wash over is refreshing in and of itself. 

Torn I am so sorry you and your daughter are having a hard time to say the least right now.  Maybe when the time is right you can ask here in a mild way about her pain.  Then when you are ready explain why you miss you wife so much.  I hope this helps, I do not know your situations but I know sometimes pain and grief come out as anger and hate.  (I am angry and hate that my Love left me here alone).  You never know until you ask if she is acting this way because of the pain and grief. 

I hope you and everyone else on here can have peace and comfort. 

Amor

[Candace]

Torn,

I could use a magic wand as well, and it will be 4 years in January.  I am trying to quit smoking as well and was doing well with the electronic cigarettes until the holiday season,  I lost my father last summer and it has  somehow brought back the incredible loss of losing my husband.  I chose to skip the holiday season completely; I was invited by several people, but I really didnt want to even recognize Christmas. 

 

I have managed so far by electing to remove myself from all aspects of the holiday season.  Family and friends reacted to that decision with anger and similar renditions of "You should be past this by now".  The only one who has accepted my decision is my younger brother who I am so close to.  His wife lost her mother this year, so they both are experiencing the 'empty chair'.

 

My brother and SIL sent me a Keurig when I mentioned I sometimes hade to resort to instant coffee.  My brother recently received a huge promotion and I sent an Edible Arrangements with the message "Fruit and chocolate; what better way to celebrate Dad.  And also a gift for you not only on this incredible promotion but for always being there and accepting who I was regardless of where I was at the time"  I think Amor is spot on, My husbands daughter was the same way; but despite every attempt I made to develop a relationship with her, I was met with hostility.  I never once tried to act as a replacement for her mother; I thought that having lost my mother at a young age, we would connect.

 

Do whats best for you.  I was underweight when I lost DH, and lost even more aftr his death.  In retrospect, I think the two most important factors are simply getting enough sleep and forcing yourself to eat something, even when you have no appetite.  The sleep part was easy for me, the eating was not.  Even cooking scrambled eggs seemed beyond my ability.  I would recommend Ensure,

or protein drinks that provide the necessary calories without the need to cook.

 

HUGS,

Hoping you find peace and the strength to move forward.

 

Candace

[Jen]

I wish I had an answer... all I've got is hugs, and a resounding "ME TOO!!!" I don't smoke... I've seriously considered starting. What possible reason do I have to want to increase my lifespan, after all? Thought about drinking and drugging as well, but the expense and hassle didn't seem worth it. Sigh.

 

"I am demolished inside... " That's a terrible and perfect way to put it. There's just so little left of me. I can't find anything to want anymore... Christmas was kind of a joke. My mom kept asking what I wanted-- I didn't want anything except a small suitcase and a Starbucks gift card. Well, I got the suitcase... Meanwhile, my pregnant newlywed sister and her husband got more stuff than they could carry home in one trip.

 

It's fine-- I don't want stuff. I genuinely didn't care, and still don't. It's just sad to me... my life is so empty now. I was writing in my journal this morning-- I honestly can't find anything to want. I've achieved everything I intended to: got married, had babies, established a career, traveled the world. Had great love-- lost it, but I did have it. There's nothing else I want-- at least, nothing that I can reasonably expect to have. (Powerball? Fairytale romance, take 2? Ha ha ha.)

 

Demolished. That's me. I'm getting by-- I make it through each day, and my only motivation-- I'm not even kidding here-- is that I know at the end I can crawl into my bed and check out for a few hours. That's all I'm living for. That absolutely breaks my heart, but I've wracked my brain, and I cannot think of anything else to want. I just want it all to be over so I don't have to hurt anymore... don't have to feel the lack, the emptiness. The void.

 

Hugs and more hugs. I'm so sorry.

[Jen]

Just want to add... well, I guess I really want to whine, but I don't want to start a new thread... forgive me for hijacking?

 

I'm 41 years old. I'm healthy and come from a long-lived family, so I could have 4 or 5 decades of this to look forward to. That is... horrifying. What in hell do I do? Anybody... ?    

[BrokenHeart2]

We all need to find a way to pick ourselves up and find a new journey as hard as that sounds. My DH rocked my world and I am starting at 2.5 yrs in, I just can't and don't want to live this way anymore. I'm going to sell our beautiful home we built on the lake and find a way to rebuild. He'd be kicking my ass if he was here seeing how sad and isolated I am.

We are wid strong and we will find our way somehow.  Hugs

 

Oh, and yes, so much easier said than done.

[soloact]

Just want to add... well, I guess I really want to whine, but I don't want to start a new thread... forgive me for hijacking?

 

I'm 41 years old. I'm healthy and come from a long-lived family, so I could have 4 or 5 decades of this to look forward to. That is... horrifying. What in hell do I do? Anybody... ?    

 

 

Jen, there is frightening longevity in my family too. When I go for the annual checkup and doc tells me not to eat this or do something to add years I wonder if he ever looked at my medical record?

 

Makes ya wonder

[Torn]

Well on the idea of living long and all, I WISH that the most for each of our life spans.

 

  I know it sure makes me think how long I'll miss my wife and how many years of sadness their are to come.

 

This is a support group, there's no hijacking threads possible,it supposed to happen.

 

 

I visited with friends yesterday and it was refreshing as Hell to get away and to recognize for a moment that THESE PEOPLE CARE & LOVE ME.

 

I consider myself lucky to gotten that change,what a great epiphany to have,when you mistreated enough you kinda forget these things.

  Thank you all for the support & suggestions,hopefully the new year has more positive notes than this last year~ ToRn

 

[Jen]

I should *want* to have a long life, I guess... I have three kids, they should be enough to live for. I know they'd miss me. But I just... I'm just doing time now. I'm hoping for early parole. Good behaviour... you know.

[Amor]

Broken thank you for your comment. 

Torn and Jen, we have to find hope some how to be able to one day have happiness again.  I know it will come one day when we least expect it to.  It is hard to look for the sun through the clouds but we know it will come again.  I just keep getting knocked down but I stand up again to be beaten to a bloody pulp but I am fighting to the end.  One day I will overcome every loss I have had over the last 2 years and be able to remember them with love and happiness that I got to know them.  Until then I will fight to stand and be weak until I heal.  To my Love who taught me to fight for what is right.  I love you to eternity.

Amor

[Torn]

Amor, your attitude is correct and we all want to live,just not suffer.

[Amor]

I would love not to suffer any more.  Really hard day without my Love.

[JeanGenie]

This subject just caught my attention because it's how I feel as well at 2.5 yrs out.  I am sad and lonely way too much.  I work hard to maintain friendships I've made over the past 2.5 years.  Friends that support each other, friends that have filled the void left by losing my best friend.  But it takes such much energy and it feels so one-sided at times.  Do they really care?  If I dropped dead tomorrow, would they even notice?  And I wouldn't care if I dropped dead tomorrow except for the single thought of what it would do to my DS.  So that is what keeps me going; the only thing.

 

Of course I miss my DH, but what I miss more is the happy, fun person I used to be.  This past month I've had a real hard time shaking the sadness and loneliness.  As we ring in a new year, it only makes me sadder that this is now my life and I'm not quite sure how to change it.  2016 will be 3 years and all I've done in 3 years is somehow survive...and age.  I feel so old.  Which doesn't help because I know I don't want to be alone the rest of my life (whatever that is), but who would want me....old and sad.

 

Needless to say, my self esteem sucks right now as well.  I keep telling myself that this year I will focus on me--getting healthier, being selfish in doing what makes me happy--I need to get out of this funk.  But I'm not sure how to do that.  I just wish DH was here....then I wouldn't be dealing with any of this.  Life was so much simpler then...

 

[Torn]

JeanGenie,

  There seems like very many of us feel this way.

  Very difficult..

Just a thought:

  Since each of us lost the person that we each 'intended' to spend our life's with,I think it forces a GIANT judgment call on ourselves in every manner physical,financial,health,material items...it's rough.

  It's personal inventory,that's taken to the next level,because we have seen and or experienced 100% loss of our existence.

 

Every now and then I see a couple get a divorce & it amazes me to watch their divorce unfold.

I've seen men & women in midlife crisis trying to over-compensate for physical appearance & many other things.....anyhow.

   

Our loss a Survivor of years of marriage FORCES personally inventory time 10.

    During this personal inventory we are grieving,our self-esteem goes first,with the spouse that cheered us on in life.

.  I'm wishing you all well...ToRn

 

   

[donswife]

 

Of course I miss my DH, but what I miss more is the happy, fun person I used to be.  This past month I've had a real hard time shaking the sadness and loneliness.  As we ring in a new year, it only makes me sadder that this is now my life and I'm not quite sure how to change it. 

this is exactly how I feel , I have stopped being the person that I was and I miss her

 

 

[Jen]

This subject just caught my attention because it's how I feel as well at 2.5 yrs out.  I am sad and lonely way too much.  I work hard to maintain friendships I've made over the past 2.5 years.  Friends that support each other, friends that have filled the void left by losing my best friend.  But it takes such much energy and it feels so one-sided at times.  Do they really care?  If I dropped dead tomorrow, would they even notice?  And I wouldn't care if I dropped dead tomorrow except for the single thought of what it would do to my DS.  So that is what keeps me going; the only thing.

 

Of course I miss my DH, but what I miss more is the happy, fun person I used to be.  This past month I've had a real hard time shaking the sadness and loneliness.  As we ring in a new year, it only makes me sadder that this is now my life and I'm not quite sure how to change it.  2016 will be 3 years and all I've done in 3 years is somehow survive...and age.  I feel so old.  Which doesn't help because I know I don't want to be alone the rest of my life (whatever that is), but who would want me....old and sad.

 

Needless to say, my self esteem sucks right now as well.  I keep telling myself that this year I will focus on me--getting healthier, being selfish in doing what makes me happy--I need to get out of this funk.  But I'm not sure how to do that.  I just wish DH was here....then I wouldn't be dealing with any of this.  Life was so much simpler then...

 

 

I'm still a few months shy of 2 years, but I could have written almost the same post. I don't want to be alone, but I can't imagine anyone wanting any part of the me who kept breathing after her husband dropped dead. I honestly don't know what to do now. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other... hope that maybe, someday, I will find a reason to live.

 

I'm so tired of being in my head. I'm bored with me-- surely everyone else is as well. I wish I could learn to just accept that it is what it is. That's all it is. No point in wanting more when I'll only be disappointed... :-\

 

 

[Freelancing]

In my experience, grief was repetitive till I was completely changed.

Its difficult to explain how I changed, but I knew it when life became so exciting I didn't/don't want to miss a moment!

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Alice: "How long is forever?"

White Rabbit: "Sometimes, just one second."

Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland