SoVerySad Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 I am so angry with my husband right now. Combined with the guilt I feel over being more angry with him than I ever was in all our years together when he is dead is just about doing me in. I have been through a lot since he died - all of which I have managed to keep pushing through despite having already been exhausted from the stress of his decade of failing health. This morning of the day he died suddenly at our home from a ventricular arrhythmia, I wanted to take him to the ER due to a high fever he had. Despite having been sick myself all week with the worst stomach virus ever, I got myself and the kids ready, called my MIL to arrange to drop the kids off there, was literally standing with my car keys in my hand... and he refused to go. He said it was probably just the virus I had. I have tried to make peace with knowing that had he known what was to come, he wouldn't have been so stubborn and would have gone. I have worked hard to not dwell on the potential better outcome if only he had gone to the ER. But I am so freaking weary right now from handling all these things on my own. Like end of my rope weary. Why couldn't he just have gone to the ER? Things might be so different right now, instead of three devastated and broken hearted people (the kids and I) trying to survive the fallout. It is heartbreaking to feel angry at him when I still love and miss him so much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr C Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 I understand how heartbreaking it can feel to be so angry at your spouse. Ces was nicest person I know. Yet, every so often all of my emotions of loss and pain boil over into anger at her. It is a natural part of grief. Through your hundreds of posts you have portrayed the wonderful love that you have for and shared with your T. A bit of anger and frustration at him won?t take away from that. Sending you (((hugs))) Jerald Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skipd Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 My wife died suddenly and unexpectedly. We had a lot of turbulence heading into the day she died. My grandmother was on her death bed, I thought I had a broken foot, the work at home was piling up, and we were eating poorly due to the time sink our lives had become. I found out after her death that she had not slept for two nights. Apparently she was cramming for the final and spending her sleep time taking care of the baby. She never let me know the baby was awake. I don't know that I'm angry at my wife, but I am disappointed that she did not key me in and let me help her. I feel that if she had let me, she would still be here today. I'm still waiting on the toxicology report to confirm my suspicions, but I have a feeling she died because she took on everything and wouldn't let anyone help. Now I'm 'stuck' doing it all myself and I don't know how that is going to hold up once I get back to work. If our spouses knew what we know now, there is no doubt they would have done things differently. I choose not to focus on hindsight. There are so many things that could have been done differently, but how could you or he know the consequences at the time? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bunny Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 It's so awful being angry at them, isn't it? I hate it! I've been stuck in too many moments of anger for a while now. It's been a difficult thing trying to work through it, searching for some relief, but lately I've finally been feeling a lessening and am so very grateful for that. This grief truly is like an onion- you work so hard to get through a very painful place/layer, only to find another brand new thing waiting for you to work on right underneath that. It can be so exhausting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captains wife Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 I understand where you are coming from. Although my anger has really lessened over the past 2 years - I went through a terrible "anger at my husband phase" as I felt things could have been done so differently so prevent what happened AND I was angry with the mess he left me to clean up. Sometimes it felt easier to be angry with him rather than be so sad about losing a husband and a father. Its so hard, too, with all the "What Ifs?" I nearly drove myself crazy in the first year but eventually I started to put some of those feelings/thoughts behind me. I'm sorry - please know these feelings will change over time and I hope you have some help/support locally with everything you have to deal with. Widow-dom sucks...hugs.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hikermom Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 Sometimes it felt easier to be angry with him rather than be so sad about losing a husband and a father. ^^^this^^^ Hi SVS - I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I was terribly angry with my husband for awhile. He chose the hottest day of the year to go for the hardest bike ride he'd done in decades - riding up the gap in the worst heat of the afternoon is what killed him. At one point when he called home that day I suggested I go pick him up but he just said "I want to say I finished it." It was clear he was tired and it was hard but he was incredibly stubborn! His stubbornness and a congenital heart defect killed him. I felt tremendous anger for a long time - angry at him, angry with his work that had taken such a toll on him emotionally and physically, angry that his first surgeon to repair the defect screwed up and required a second surgery - so many things to be angry about. At some point, I realized the anger was easier to feel than actually feeling. In some ways it felt cleaner - more straightforward. It burned and in some ways was better than feeling so empty because it filled me up, while my grief left me hollow. I have pretty much let go of the anger. Sure it crops up when I'm knee deep in some mess or exhausted and frustrated from doing it all on my own but that is fleeting and situational. The worst of the anger has subsided. I know you aren't avoiding the grief - you've been belly-deep in feeling it for a long time but perhaps there is something triggering it right now? I've learned through this that I'm usually feeling what I am for some reason - it may take time to sort through but when I give myself space to feel and try to align what is happening at the moment with what I'm feeling, it makes sense and I can move through it more quickly. If I fight it or label it or place some emotion like guilt to it, it's harder for me to get through. Regardless I have learned that guilt is not at all helpful. You feeling guilty about the anger serves no good purpose. The anger may well serve a purpose but the guilt - not at all. This whole process stinks, please be gentle with yourself because you're the only one who really can. Many hugs to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kjs1989 Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 I totally understand this anger, SoVerySad. Been there. My husband was killed in a boat with a bunch of brainless, complacent and assumptive men speeding through a dark, fog filled morning just to get to a stupid duck blind before someone beat them to it. He took chances and risks his whole life both in work and in play, and when I would ask him to please be careful, to stop and think, even getting very pissed at times in order to get him to listen, he just tuned me out. And yep, he left me with three brokenhearted teenagers, a business to run on my own, a house to maintain, finances to figure out, and DGI friends / acquaintances/ inlaws which at times only manage to complicate my life further. Oh, and anxiety. He left me with brutal, daily, life sucking anxiety which casts a looming shadow over my my very existence ( and trickles down to my kids) and for which I will probably be in counseling the rest of my life. But on another level, he left me with an inner will to survive I never would have dreamed was within me, and I think part of that ability actually came from my anger. I will be damned if I will give up. Granted, at times it is no more than a day to day process, and sometimes I feel like I am merely faking it, but when I look back to where I was three years ago, and where I am now, the contrast is truly evident. I am trying to show my kids that we can still live life, have successes, fulfillment and moments of joy. We can do this. We have to. Hang in there SoVerySad. Take that anger and put it to work when it strikes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoVerySad Posted January 15, 2016 Author Share Posted January 15, 2016 Thank you all for your responses and understanding. I do know the triggers that have reawakened my anger. I recently finished clearing out our home of 20+ years. It was a hard, tiring job for the kids and me. It is done now, the deed transfer is complete, and I no longer have to worry with that extra load. In addition, my daughter is really struggling right now. Seeing her hurting so deeply feels unbearable. Being strong for her is essential, but has taken its toll on my own minimal progress I had made. We'll get through this, I know. I can feel my anger has lessened some with completing the house and not having that extra strain. I am just so tired. Thank you again for the support. It helps to know I'm not the only one feeling this way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helena Posted January 15, 2016 Share Posted January 15, 2016 Maybe I shouldn?t write here because my husband has only been gone for five months but I just want to say that I have also been angry. My husband was also very stubborn and everything he did was a success -until that day we went swimming and he (probably) had a widow maker heart attack. I know my husband suddenly felt very tired and exhausted (he was swimming with our son on his back and my son told me that "dad couldn?t lift me up on the raft" because he was too tired..) and I can?t understand why he didn?t stop and rest or shouted at me for assistance. I?m angry at him because if he had stopped for a rest maybe he could have been alive today. Instead my husband choose to turn around and swim to the jetty where me and the rest of the family was. He didn?t make it all the way. Only two metres from the jetty he suddenly sank, quiet and with our son on his back. Not a sound.. Luckily my son let go of his father when he sank so he could somehow hold his head above the water line until I discovered what happened a few seconds later. I?m so angry on this stubborness but at the same time if my husband knew he was seconds away from a heart attack (and probably a cardiac arrest) he would have stopped and called for my attention. He didn?t want to die but he just didn?t know how serious it was.. SoVerySad, big hugs to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoVerySad Posted January 16, 2016 Author Share Posted January 16, 2016 Big hugs back to you, Helena. The "if onlys" in our situations are so hard not to dwell on, aren't they? I hope all those who replied to my post have given you some comfort that the anger is a normal response. I appreciate your understanding. BTW, the separate sections are just a guideline. You can most certainly post in other timeframe sections when you have thoughts to share. Although I will soon hit 3 years, I often relate more to those in the earlier timeframes. I still feel like I can relate more to the posts there than those who've been able to move forward more quickly than I. More hugs... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bunny Posted January 16, 2016 Share Posted January 16, 2016 Thank you for starting this thread, SVS. And thank you to everyone who contributed their thoughts. It's making me realize that, at the very heart of my anger, there is this truth: sometimes its just easier for me to find stuff to be angry at him about than to feel how much I miss him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 I'm angry a lot of the time as well... sometimes I'm angry at Jim, specifically; other times, I'm angry at his parents and at myself and at life. On this unremarkable day in January, I'm not really angry at anyone... which is weird and slightly uncomfortable. Mostly I just wish I could hit rewind and make the last 2 years go away. ((((((HUGS)))))) to all of us. <3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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