holy sh*it

[Guest TooSoon]

I'm on the phone with my brother with whom I speak to as little as possible.  He is the world's most self-involved person I know.  He's presently giving me a soliloquy about how easy I have it because Im an academic compared to him (he who works in the private sector, makes twice what I do and has his wife's salary).  ugh!  My married brother with no children.  Why do I bother?  Grrrrrrrrr.

[marian53]

Did he call you? I read this and boy oh boy, did it strike a nerve. I don't call anymore, I let the ones just like your wee bro there call me.

Marian

[Guest TooSoon]

I called him bc I felt I had to say thank him and his wife for the Christmas and birthday gifts they sent for M.  I'm down to once a year.  Empathy is not his strong suit. 

[imissdow]

Ugh!!  I hate this!  My  younger sister is similar. She wines and cries about how hard her life is yet she makes easily 2-3x what I do.  Has a stay at home husband and 2 kids. They take nice vacations, Have a much larger home in a nice area. Last time we spoke at any length she wined about how she was a "single mother" for a weekend as he husband was away.  I told her what I thought about how hard she had it.  I don't think she has called me since. 

[marian53]

Well, you did right in calling him and I am glad Christmas and her birthday are so close together. Thank God it's over till next year! I have to call a sib cause her birthday is Leap Year. The one who thinks she should have been the eldest-??? The one that called me a fuckin idiot bitch who didn't know how to do laundry because she was afraid I had shrunk her shirt when I did laundry the first week Pete died and she had flown down to comfort me when Peter died. We ended up visitng mall after mall to find Ed Hardy shit for her son because it was just coming out in Canada. Now everyone's granny wears Ed Hardy but don't get me started!  ;D

Marian

[Guest TooSoon]

I shouldn't be misanthropic but my absentee brother with his hyper-cool friends and his "everything is sunshine and rainbows wife as long as it is all about my family and only about yours in the form of packages sent once a year" should be able to find a little room to be empathetic.  My life is easier?  What the fuck?  When I said thank you for the gifts for M, he said, "It makes us feel good to buy things for her."  Great, even though you see her once every two years even though you are to be her guardian and your wife hasn't seen her in 4 years!  You don't know her from Adam but happy that makes you feel good once a year.  This is the worst of me coming out right now.  My brother sucks. 

[Guest TooSoon]

Since I'm on a roll here I will also add that my brother's company got bought out and he's on some sort of fancy severance and told me, "I now know how fun it is to go to grocery store and take time to choose whatever I want and come home and cook and clean and be like a house dad!"  OK!  That's awesome!  So happy for you!

 

Sorry, there is literally nowhere else I can be this petty.  Thank you.  He sucks. 

[Sugarbell]

Ewww gawd...I get it...those types just suck the life out of me while giving me a migraine because I am internally pissed off. I am sorry your brother is that way...I used to have people in my life that way...but thank God it wasn't family.

 

I say send him a thank you card next year. That kind of phone conversation isn't worth the negative energy it brings.

[Bunny]

Sorry, there is literally nowhere else I can be this petty.  Thank you.

 

Sometimes, one of the saddest things about widowhood is losing that one person you could discuss something with all the while being totally & unabashedly small-minded/petty/dickish/bitchy/pissy- and they would not only happily listen and understand, but also join in! And *still* find you completely lovable. They'd let you be totally ugly and still think you beautiful, without judgment.

 

So. Please. Bitch away- I'll gladly cheer you on! (Says the girl who got tired of her brother's wife's shit so barely speaks to them anymore).

[Justin]

I say send him a thank you card next year. That kind of phone conversation isn't worth the negative energy it brings.

 

^^^^ THIS!

 

Plus, he can hang the card on his trophy wall to remind him of what a "good" uncle he is to M.

[Guest TooSoon]

Im so sorry.  This sort of thing is not like me.  My brother is a) mostly not a part of my life and b) the prodigal douchebag who makes his imperial appearance every so often when someone dies or if he's going to see his wife's much more desirable family in Boston and he can fit us in on the way there for 24 hours or so and I just am not in the mood anymore.  He did not ask me once how we are doing.  Not once.  Never will.  Yes, card next year.  The day I change my power of attorney and guardianship to adp cannot come soon enough.  Thanks for letting me vent.  I'm so over their self-important and opportunistic front.   

[kjs1989]

TooSoon, I get this brother thing. Vent away. My own brother ( four years older) has been a bully to me my whole life. He has "nice moments," but they are short-lived. The bully always rears his head eventually. Empathy and sympathy are foreign terms to him.

 

When I lost D, Bro was sympathetic for about a week. Then it was, " I don't really understand why this is so hard for you. Others go through this all the time. Look at Katie Couric!" When our dad was dying and I had the nerve to become emotional about further loss, he yelled at me, "Stop making this about yourself!! You need to move on now!"

 

We gathered at my sister's for several days over Christmas where I once again  observed how completely co-dependent he and wife are ( they have no children) Ordering in a restaurant was a  long drawn out committee decision by them. Deciding when they would each take a shower also involved a lengthy discussion on the merits of showering at night or in the morning. Whether or not to have a beer or a glass of wine at my sister's house was also a tortuous joint negotiation process.

 

I sure hope he dies first because otherwise he is going to be in for a very rude awakening about the realities of losing your life partner.

[Guest TooSoon]

I'm still feeling bad about this rant as it really isn't me.  Not sure why my conversation with my brother was such a trigger yesterday but it was.  It took me back to the episodes of anger and bitterness early on that I haven't felt in a long time.  Anger is simply not one of my go-to emotions.  I guess it is a lifetime of feeling misunderstood and written off as a "basket case."  You're all right, best not to engage.  I'm sure I loaded some of my other angst on top of it as well, namely that I want to get on with my life.  It has always irked me since Scott died when people have told me how lucky I am to have this job or, like my brother did yesterday, telling me how "good" I have it because the academic life is so cushy.  It isn't.  It has perks, yes but it isn't like I didn't spend the entirety of my 20s broke, with no fixed address, living in ramshackle apartments, eating nothing but pasta and with no mode of transport but my bicycle to get the degree that got me this job.  Its not like this just fell into my lap, for crying out loud.  Any honestly, maybe just one, "Hey, you're doing a great job with M."  might be nice but it won't ever happen.  And I guess acceptance is better than anger, actually, I know it is.  I dislike myself when I have these moments of weakness.  I should have been prepared for it but wasn't.  Thanks for being the world's best sounding board ever. 

[retiredminer]

Hi Don't apologise for venting, every family has a winner or two. Some of the nasty things said when my wife died are unforgivable however you should be thankfull you have this venue to vent. We all get some of what you say as there are similarities for us as well. Now that you vented I hope you feel better, if m is old enough to write thanks on the card let that be the way to go and see if he even takes the hint. I feel for you as I'm going through family unpleasantness's as well. Good luck and I hope you feel better.

[linda5]

Hey, I just want to take this opportunity to tell you that you are doing a great job with M!  I know that I don't see you and M, but if she's feed, happy, and thriving, you're doing a GREAT JOB!

[Gabzmom]

I will chime in to tell you that no one knows your life or struggle better than you.  I applaud you for your persistence in accomplishing your goal and getting to where you are in your field.  It's not easy to work long hours and to parent a child. This after your years of self-sacrifice. 

 

I'm also in the same camp regarding a thank you card next time.  I kicked myself for trying to host Christmas this year.  My SIL showed up at 11 while I was at the office and my daughter tested me that she had stopped by to tell me that they were not coming to dinner at 3.  I had a 2 minute cry in the car.  I was horrified that my daughter saw this.  I decided that we would stop by my cousin's and I would bring the porchetta I slow cooked in from midnight to 8.  I told my daughter that there is usually something driving someone else and that we would not own their bad manners.  It wasn't on us, it was on them.  I told her I chose not to let it spoil our Christmas and we had a great time.  We left Christmas morning to spend the weekend in the city.  It was fabulous. 

 

I will add that she pulled this before DH passed.  We had, and she knew that DH wanted to cook Christmas dinner.  The Sunday prior, she said that my brother had gotten all the food and she didn't want us to have to prep because we were working Christmas Eve.  I told her we had both taken the day off.  I also told her thanks but no thanks.  I then told DH we were not going using a few chi I certainly words.  I was so upset with myself when I got that text because I had wanted to.let the past go and try again.  This time it was my child who was hurt.

 

I'm really sorry.  I didn't mean to hijack your thread.  I think hearing your experience and remembering our recent one, brought it back a little.  With all this said, I decided that I really am done with my brother and his wife.

[Guest TooSoon]

Thank you, as ever, for being so supportive.  A few things - not surprisingly a maddening and very stressful work situation in addition to the insensitive sibling and wishing the long distance component of my relationship would just freaking end already - have set me off over the past few days and I don't like myself when I'm like this.  I am going to New Orleans for a college reunion this weekend but talked my best friend into changing tickets so we could spend one night alone at her house and just talk, just the two of us, before going.  I'm hoping that will help me get back into balance.  I know my kid is ok and I know I've done and will always do everything I can for her.  If others can't understand the way we're doing it then so be it.  She's not a project to be completed; she is her own gorgeous little eccentric self and I know that, while I have to make compromises sometimes with work, she knows there is no one on this planet who is going to be there or accept or protect her like I am.  So thank you again and so sorry for being all over the place.  Its been a tough few weeks and an especially tough few days.  Or this might be what they call a mid-life crisis but that's another thread for another day.