luvmy2babies Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 That?s where it seems all those well-meaning folks went who promised me my son would not be without male influence in his life. Now I know this isn?t new; but my husband was a community leader and at his funeral I had women coming to me thanking me for the time he gave their sons and there are men around. Everyone is just ?in their own lives?. When they do things with their sons they don?t think of him. I don't really fault them; but it is frustrating and tiring because I didn't ask anyone for a thing when dh died. Guys were all over it but now he is old enough to need attention from more than just me. I told my mother I guess I should have had myself together and gotten another partner by now. And I can?t see myself going, ?Hey, my son could use some male bonding, could you come and get him?? I?m the type that just goes another direction to find it. I signed him up for soccer. It was what he wanted to play first. And wouldn?t you know it, we got a wonderful, experienced, knowledgeable, female coach. I asked him if he wanted to try flag footbal in the springl; but while he wants to, he wants soccer more; so we?ll see what happens next season. He finally looked at his Godfather on Sunday and said, ?I want to come visit at your house.? The response was ?Sure, just tell me when you want to come.? He?s 6 mind you. I said, ?Well, you are going to have to decide that.? He?s 6. His life is school and soccer. He is also now starting to grieve. He was 2 months old when dh died; so he has no real memories of him. But he knows what a father is and asks for his back. Is he still sick? Is he better yet? Is he coming back? I want daddy back. And I know at the end of the day whatever guy spends time with him is still ?someone else?s dad,? it has got to be better than all women. Me, his sister, his teacher, his afterschool caregivers, his children?s church teachers, his coach. When you?re little, most of the people who care for you tend to be female. So I hoped for those guys to remember those promises they made. In the meantime, I?m learning soccer drills and working on my spiral. Not to mention trying to do my part to help him through Kindergarten. Oh and there?s that little thing called working to support him and his sister. No problem right? Just needed to vent. Thanks for reading if you got this far. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoVerySad Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 Hugs to you, Mom. It must hurt terribly for you both to have your little guy asking if his Dad can come back. It brought tears to my eyes. I, too, was very let down by people who promised to be there for us, especially for my kids. There were times people asked how they could help when I told them the best thing would be to spend some fun time with my kids. I wanted them to have fun and I wasn't in a place to be fun myself. For the most part, that didn't materialize. My one nephew occasionally takes my son along with him to the gym when he works out, which I appreciate. It is disappointing. I have written in my will that I have no type of funeral or memorial service if I should die. I don't want my kids to have to go through that and I don't want people telling them how they'll be there for them, etc.. Mine are old enough to see it was just something people said. I don't want them to hold back in relationships they form with friends and others based upon the experiences we've had since their Dad died. I want them to develop good friendships and be good, supportive friends themselves. Do you have a Big Brother's program where you live? That might be something to check out if so. My nephew did the program for several years as a big brother and it was great for the kids he had, as well as for himself. Cub scouts might be another option, but there is the issue with father/son events. Maybe someone with their kids in scouts could offer you some guidance there. It sounds like you are doing a great job in all the ways that you can. I'm sorry this all has to be so hard for our kids and for us. More hugs... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fuchsiasky Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 Yep I get it. When Rob died there were many promised made of men who would be there for my daughter. Some have been - close family members and one good friend. But many have just forgotten it seems. I understand that it is difficult to come over. I get that my home was once his home and its not a fun place to be sometimes. But when a small person needs someone its so important. I don't understand how they can't be there for her. It's not hard. She doesn't want much. This is so hard to make people understand how little effort it takes to make a child's life good. You are doing awesome momma. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klim Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 Just was going to pipe in on the cub /scout option......My boys did that when they were little and even though we were a whole family at that point, I seemed to be the cub parent. All the leaders were male so the guy time for your son would be good. Our group never did father/son things but some of the events were family events . My husband had no interest in these so I was the one who took them to the tree planting or tobogganing or christmas tree bonfires. I didn't feel out of place with the other dads cause there was always a few moms around. Not sure if this helps I just know at least here the scouting option was male oriented but not adverse to involved moms if you get my drift. Goodluck with this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luvmy2babies Posted February 26, 2016 Author Share Posted February 26, 2016 Thanks all. He's too young for Tigers right now; but I will consider it again in a year when he qualifies. For now, we're signed up for the next soccer season. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 Could you just tell them - hey, my son is growing up without sufficient male role models, and I'd love it if you would incorporate him and take him under your wing a few hours once a month. I really believe that people just don't know what to do, are just in the path of least resistance, and that, when called upon in a specific way, want to and will step up. I don't know. I could be naive and hopeful. Or maybe it's that I'm jaded - people aren't going to do anything unless we make it happen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klim Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 Mizpah I whole heartily agree, I have definitely found this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luvmy2babies Posted March 2, 2016 Author Share Posted March 2, 2016 I agree. I actually had the conversation with the main person in his life we chose, his Godfather. Ds asked to visit him. I also told him outright, ds is starting to grieve and could use some time with him. He lives 5 minutes from us. Nothing yet. I tell myself people just have other stuff. Being he and his wife would have my children if anything happened to me, I admit, I'm a bit discouraged. I just hope it will change. He's close to his youth pastor and I have also talked to him. He's older but a very good man. My mother also got on my youngest uncle about it. He moved back "home" a year ago and is 35 minutes from us now. He's the same age as dh. Basically said, why haven't you been to see him, you know he doesn't have a dad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newnormal14 Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 What about the big brother, big sister program? My triplets have been in it for a year and absolutely love it! My son and his "big" have become best of friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mmg19 Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 I've heard a lot of good things about Big Brothers and Scouts. For my boys they had two grandpas who they have always been close to. My boys were older than yours and were active in church groups. Our pastor and youth coordinators are very instrumental in working with one parent families. Also I like the being assertive and asking those who would be willing and maybe just need their brain jogged a little. I've found many friends just don't know or think of how they could be of help but are happy to be asked. When it comes to my kids I don't mind asking. I'm so sorry the "good intentions" of friends and community are soon forgotten. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobFTC Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 My triplets ... Non sequitor, but ... triplets? Wow. I have twins, and we were in a multiples club and so we knew parents of triplets, and we were always impressed since that was more kids than parents, and more kids than hands :-) Hats off for handling this alone - I wish you still had your husband's help (hugs). Take care, Rob T Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newnormal14 Posted March 13, 2016 Share Posted March 13, 2016 Rob, I wish I still had him too, thank you.... I am thankful they are now 10 years old (will be 11 next month), and I did have him through all the really hard years. Although, the teen years will not be a breeze, I am sure! Twins are just as busy as triplets though:) My sister has twins that are 3 months younger than my kiddo's, so I watched her in action. Her twins were actually more work than my group! Non sequitor, but ... triplets? Wow. I have twins, and we were in a multiples club and so we knew parents of triplets, and we were always impressed since that was more kids than parents, and more kids than hands :-) Hats off for handling this alone - I wish you still had your husband's help (hugs). Take care, Rob T Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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