Confused and In Love

[MountainMan]

I started dating a girl that I met on an online dating site about 4 months after my wife had passed.  I was lonely and really wanted some companionship and little did I know that I would fall crazy in love with literally the first girl that I sent a message to.  We had an awesome relationship for the better part of a year, we waited 6 months to make sure it was going to last before I introduced her to my then 5yo daughter.  I didn't even have to think about telling her I loved her, it just came out one day about 3 months into the relationship and it felt right, she said the same.

 

In any case around our one year mark her current employment situation was not going so well and she started interviewing for different jobs.  We were in NY at the time and one job was in OH, and the other in NC.  She was very open with me throughout the whole process.  Having only known her for a year I told her to follow her heart and not make a decision based on me, but I told her that I had always thought NC would be a cool place to live.  I had lived in NY my entire life and wasn't sure that I could muster up the courage to move.  She picked the job in OH, which is the cream of the crop for her profession.  We decided we would try the long distance relationship.  A few months later I was offered a job in NC, and being super stressed in my current situation in NY I thought a fresh start would be great for my daughter and me as well as it would make us significantly closer to her in Ohio (although still 5 hours away, but better than 12)

 

We continued to date long distance for the better part of year 2, seeing each other almost monthly and texting \ facetiming daily.  The relationship was great, we almost never argue, we had a ton in common, we discussed marriage \ kids we're on the same page, until she started pressing me to move to be with her in OH and I told her I wasn't sure I could do it.  We broke up for a few months over my unwillingness to move but we got back together after 2 months apart because we both realized what we had was really something special.  Things went great again for another 8 months until we started talking about me moving again. (She would never be able to find a job where I live)  We broke up again, but remained in contact for the past 4 months.  We have both tried dating other people but we always come back to one another.  I told her that I feel like she is my soul mate, we connect on just about every level.  We both feel this way about each other, but I don't know what it is that has me so fearful to move there.  Our relationship is wonderful, my daughter loves her like a mother, I want to have a family with her.  Having been through all the negatives the past few years I just worry about the "what-if's" and it's not just me that I have to worry about but also my 8yo daughter.  My daughter and I otherwise love our new home in NC, but I have an empty spot in my heart without her in our lives.  My job allows me to move so employment is not a concern.  On one hand I feel like with everything we have been through I don't want to be left thinking what could have been.  I'm 39 and she is 36 so our window to have kids if we are going to do it is not going to be around forever.  We've been talking about our life together for the past few weeks and I just don't know what I should do, I often ask myself why can't life be easy once and a while?

[Trying]

First of all, nothing is easy in this life after loss so I feel your pain and frustration. I'm curious about what is holding you back. You were willing to leave your home in NY and move somewhere new so it's not that you were having difficulty leaving "home". It sounds like she and your daughter have a good relationship. Work doesn't seem to be an issue. So there must be something holding you back. I have no idea what that something is but I think it's important you try to figure that out. I would hate to think of you losing a chance at happiness with your sole mate without a good reason. I hope you are able to get some clarity so that whatever you decide you are at peace with it. Therapy has been helpful to me in figuring out why I resist certain things in my widowed life, I am a work in progress in many areas!

[Jess]

I met my new love 11 days after becoming widowed, but didn't figure out we would become more until I was a bit over three months out. Crazy, right? Anyways, we are in a LDR and after the first time we met in person, we knew we needed an end game, but we weren't entirely sure what it would be. There were three main options: I move there, he moves here, or we move somewhere else altogether. It wasn't until his daughter came out to Arizona to meet me that the decision was made for us. She luckily fell in love with my town and decided she wanted to go to college here after she graduates. That made things so much simpler, except for the excruciating wait for her to graduate so the move can happen. It may have been the decision anyways because the job market is better here than where he lives and my job has a lot of room for career growth.

 

So, from my experience, agreeing on some sort of end game is really important to a LDR succeeding, and it feels like from what you have written that this is the sticking point. In all honesty, it feels like things add up to you committing to moving to Ohio to be with her. To echo Trying, what is holding you back? I am admittedly more prone to take risks and throw caution to the wind, but you have love, a family dynamic. That all sounds worth it to me.

[Wheelerswife]

Can you explain what it is about Ohio that you don't like? 

 

I found my second husband 6 months after I was widowed and 2 months after he was widowed.  I lived in Connecticut and he lived in western Kansas.  I made the move to Kansas.  I will be forever grateful that I made that decision.  There are some things about Kansas that I don't like so much...it is a bit isolated and more conservative than I'd like, but I've been here over 5 years now, even though my second husband died 2 years ago. 

 

Ohio might not be as bad as you think.  When it comes down to everyday life, most of us get up and go to work/school and come home and the kids play soccer and we grocery shop and we spend time with the ones we love.  Those things can be done just about anywhere.  To me, being together is the important part.  I can take weekend trips and vacations out of the area if I need that.

 

I'm so glad I didn't pass up great love in my life or my move to Kansas, even though I was widowed a second time very unexpectedly.

 

Hugs to all of you,

 

Maureen

[MountainMan]

I think it is just the fear of "what-if" it doesn't work out??  I know in my heart that if I never try then I will have regrets for the rest of my life.  After everything I've been through I appreciate each day as if it's my last, so I feel like I should go for it...  I know that I have hurt her feelings now twice and she feels like I'm non-committal.  She feels that if our love isn't enough to get me to move then what is.  I've tried to explain to her that it's absolutely not about her.  I also worry about my daughter, I don't want to keep uprooting her and dragging her all over the country.  I don't know that any of that makes complete sense but that's basically what is in my head.

[Wheelerswife]

MountainMan,

 

I don't have children, and I can't speak from the position of a parent, nor can I really understand what it is like to be raising a child who has lost a parent.  I did, however, move a few times as a child, as my father was transferred between a few different states as he was promoted within his field of work.  My parents always presented these moves to me and my siblings as new adventures, highlighting the positives of moving and the new opportunities we would have.  Somehow, they even got us to like the fact that we moved during high school, particularly because we were moving within walking distance of our new school and that gave us a new kind of freedom to become involved in more activities without having to worry about how to get to and from school.

 

I don't think your young daughter needs to know all of the fears you have about the move, be they your concerns about the relationship working or her ability to adapt to another new environment.  That doesn't mean you don't have these concerns, though.

 

You have said that your daughter loves this woman like a mother and you apparently love her as well.  We can't know everything about the future.  Sometimes, I think we have to take a leap of faith.  You seem to be less than happy when you aren't with this woman and you can't take your mind off of her, even when you try.

 

I'm rooting for you to go for it.  Life is short.  It is too short to live without the people that make us happy.

 

Maureen

[Jess]

It makes total sense to be scared of the what ifs. It is a big deal to uproot your daughter. For me, I have decided I would rather have the regret of going for something I want than regretting what could have been in the road not taken.

 

You said "my daughter loves her like a mother." How amazing is that? I think that even if one of the bad what if's could happen, that statement informs how good the "what if" of making the move would be. Since I don't have children, I don't want to give advice as though I have the credibility of understanding that situation, but that one line continues to stick out to me and I do think it is a big deal. My love's daughter is older, but she likes to see her dad happy. I suspect a lot of daughters would want the same thing for their dads.

 

I think as well it matters that this is not just some half cocked flight of fancy you would be taking her on. This is a relationship that is long term. Despite breaking it off due to the distance, you both keep coming back to each other. What you describe makes me feel like this is the real thing, and finding that twice in a lifetime is such a gift.

[Mizpah]

Aw, MountainMan, I feel for you!  It's really hard to go somewhere you don't really want to go, for one reason and one reason only - a person.  I know, because I did it.  I was living in NYC when I met Widower BabyDaddy.  I'm from upstate and he knew my mom - then his fiancee died.  I reached out to him (a stranger to me) to pay forward the support I'd gotten, having absolutely no idea what would eventually come to pass.  We were text buddies for a few months, just about widow stuff, checking in, how ya doing, that kind of stuff.  When we eventually met, it felt inevitable that we would come together.  A few months after that, I was pregnant with his baby and moving upstate to live with him.  (I was 34 at the time, and he was... 37?)  It was a very very rough adjustment for me.  Still is really.  I'd lived in huge urban centers for nearly 20 years, and left "home" as an 18-year-old, hoping never to return and knowing since I was a child that I didn't "belong" there or in a rural place.  But here I am, in the middle of nowhere, nowhere I'd ever choose to live if it weren't for him (like your lady, he doesn't have mobility - he has a son and a business).  I won't sugarcoat it - I wouldn't choose to live here if it weren't for him, and there are a lot of times that I feel my life kinda sucks because of the choice I made and I can't tell you how many times I've growled: "F this place!!!".  BUT I *DO NOT* regret it.  There are good and bad sides to every place, and maybe you can "resign yourself" to that place and find the good stuff about it???  I have.

 

My opinion, not that it matters a tiny bit: If you would regret not seeing if this can work, you should do it.  If you have job mobility, you can always "take it back" and leave if it doesn't work out?  I get not wanting to uproot your daughter, but....  I'd rather regret a geographical location and think, "Ugh, this place sucks!" than regret not being with the person I loved.

 

(PM me? - where did you live in NY?)

[Trying]

I am very guilty of the "what ifs" so I understand how hard it can be to turn them off in your head. But there are 2 sides to every possibility. The one thing that seems certain to me is that if you don't move to be with her, the relationship will end eventually. is that something you can live with? You felt it was ok to move your daughter to NC but now you worry about uprooting her for what sounds like a positive relationship in her life as well as yours. I won't pretend to know what's best for you and your daughter but unless there is some big red flag you have left out, I am rooting for you to take a chance on love and happiness!  Scary? Hell yes! But most of the greatest decisions in life are. 

[Justin]

MountainMan,

 

I get that you are afraid of the what-ifs. There is always the danger that things won't work out - but then again, that is always a danger in any relationship.

 

After my first wife died, I resolved to not live in fear of the future and to do my damnedest to never regret things that I had not done. 19 months later, we are just waiting for my kid to graduate high school in 3 months so that we can move 1800 miles from the only town she has known to be with the woman I love. We are both excited about the move and can't wait to start our lives in our newly-adopted city. We truly are a family in every sense of the word.

 

My daughter and I decided that since the death our my first wife (her mom) blew our lives apart, we were going to do our best to embrace change because we knew there is no "going back". Our lives were forever changed, so we decided to be "all-in". The last year and a half have been an enormous period of growth for both of us. I can't help but think if I had not given this relationship a chance, I would have not only short-changed myself but also robbed my daughter of the love of this wonderful lady - and the chance to give love to her, too.

 

I have learned through my own experience and that of other parents here that kids are a hell of a lot more resilient that most adults give them credit for being. I know you fear uprooting your daughter, but consider what benefits you may be denying her by 1) making yourself less happy than you could be and 2) keeping her apart from a woman she loves like a mother.

 

If you truly want this - then do it. If you want to be with her, be with her. Good luck, man.

 

 

[jeff1973]

 

 

Wow, Justin.  You really hit the nail on the head..

 

Makes me wish I had someplace to move to.

 

Maybe someday.

 

Best of wishes for you too,, Jeff 1973

[sojourner]

I can only speak from my past experience of my marriage to LH; sorry if that's not helpful! Still, some concepts are fairly universal, IMO.

 

So, when deciding whether to take the plunge (marriage with me in this case), LH had a talk with his mother, the sum of which boiled down to a genteel way of her telling him "**** or get off the pot." ;D  The jist being, even indecision IS a decision, and it's best for all involved to make it consciously so every one can be on a path instead of spinning their wheels going nowhere indefinitely.

 

Which path makes you feel like you're building something for your family? What's love worth to you? Is there a deal-killer that you sense holding you back? Don't know the answers for you! Just have my late MIL's words of wisdom, and she was no fool.

 

Don't know if that's any help at all, but still, wishing you all the best, and peace with whatever you decide!!!