Am I too cold and hardened?

[Trying]

I try very hard at work and school to keep my personal problems out of it.  In the early days this was very difficult and I still have my days at 2 1/2 years but I will find a private way to pull myself together when ever possible. I spend over 25 hours a week right now with 15 other people in class and most of them seem to be dealing with one thing or another, like most people, and they bring it to class.  I find it very disruptive, it interferes with what we are supposed to be learning and it is unsettling.  I have sacrificed a lot of time away from my children and money to be in this program and I am not there to deal with everyone else's emotional baggage.  I'm not one to say "my problems are bigger than yours" but I find myself biting my tongue a lot.  I do not burden these people with my problems, I have friends, family and a therapist for that.  Yesterday I told a woman in class who I have become friendly with that she needs to leave her problems at the door and focus on school, that her problems will still be there when she gets home.  I told her that I have to do it every day and I look at school and work as a break from focusing on my issues. 

 

Am I just a cold bitch?  Is it old fashioned to keep work/school separate from your personal life? I have enough freaking problems of my own without getting dragged into their emotional turmoil.  This is the first big thing I have done for myself since my first child was born almost 20 years ago and I am being selfish about wanting to get the most I can out of it.  I have no extra emotional energy to spare to people outside my family and close friends and my fellow wids here.

 

 

[Portside]

Trying - heck no - you aren't at all. I don't think it is too much to ask your fellow classmates to concentrate on the tasks at hand and buckle down and focus. Leave the personal stuff at home. I am also low-grade annoyed with all the whining I hear often from folks in all quarters of my life - work, socially, be it from family or from strangers.

 

Occasionally, when someone stews over the earth-shattering fact that their little Johnny or Susie had to walk home one whole block from the bus stop because they couldn't get there in time I just stand there and stare at them. Oh my merciful heavens! What ever shall we do?! Should I call the waaaambulance for you?

 

I am truly empathetic to true trouble of others but there are proper times and places for it. In class and at work are not those places. The way I look at it is you have purchased a service from the university. If you are blocked from receiving those services, you are being cheated out of what is rightfully yours.

 

I will take a ton of crabbing without comment but when I reach my limit, I'll stop them and say something to the effect of "I have a dead son, my late wife shot herself and made sure my youngest son found her body, and I'm a combat veteran. You really don't want to play woe-is-me poker with me 'cause I have all Aces Skippy. Can we please focus on the work (or whatever it is we should focus on)?" I admit, I've lost my filter at times. Now what this does most times is everyone stands around with their mouth hanging open. Sometimes, someone who was in the blast zone will want to talk to me about it. Fine. But let's get together after work or during lunch or whatever. I'll do whatever I can to help you out (Including telling you you're all wet if need be). But not right now. My time is important (and so is yours).

 

Well, on second thought, maybe you are. But that means that I am too. . . .  hmmmmm.

 

Good luck - Mike

 

 

 

 

[Guest TooSoon]

I get this on two levels and no, you're not being selfish!

 

First, as an educator, I tell my students repeatedly that when we are in the room for the hour and twenty minutes we have together, it is like a sacred space where we put everything else aside and focus on what we are there to do: discuss and learn.  Yes, if a student is expecting an important call about something important and needs to keep a phone on vibrate, like a kid who might get sent home from school due to early dismissal, fine.  But otherwise, no.  Learning can't happen if everyone is distracted.  I put my issues and concerns away and try to get everyone into the zone with me.  That's what I was hired to do.

 

Second, my colleagues are another story entirely.  I wish adp still visited the board or posted bc he knows all about one colleague I have in particular who is so wrapped up in herself that she wreaks havoc on others' ability to do their jobs productively, focus on what needs doing and see the big picture.  Everything is seen through the lens of her own issues and neuroses. The constant complaints about how stressed and overworked she is (her husband is retired and he used to be my office mate and I have lunch with him occasionally and all he talks about is how he feels it is his job to do all of the domestic stuff and shuttle their teenage daughter around and take care of finances so she can work --- you can imagine how much I like hearing her complain about THAT arrangement).  She's also become myopically focused on how hard she works, how hard her life is, compared to everyone else in the department but she's also so bound by her issues and neuroses that her assessment is way off and she's really the one not able to multi-task or take on anything big or challenging.  She is determined to try to put work on others' plates so that she can feel validated in this delusion she's created where she's the only one working.  It's nearly done me in, does me in, actually, daily. If I mention a book I've read or a film I've seen or start talking about current events (I view staying current on these things as part of what being a vital educator requires), she will say to me, "I just don't see how you have any TIME for those sorts of things."  I have time because I make time and also because I fucking live alone with a 9 year old who goes to bed at 830!?  I, too, try to be empathetic but there are limits. 

 

So, I get it.  Keep your eye on the prize and don't let this be the last thing you do for yourself!  Incredibly, I've also thought pretty seriously about taking a leave of absence for two years and going back to school.  Not sure I will do it but I know it would be incredibly empowering to do so. 

[SoVerySad]

When I read this thread title and then saw who posted it, I immediately thought, "No way!!!!". You are far from cold and hardened, dear Trying. We see your compassion and tenderness regularly in your posts and responses. I've always been a compassionate person, however I admit that my patience with people complaining about comparatively insignificant issues has lessened greatly since T died. That said, when I'm in a learning or work environment, I'm usually very focused. I don't want to be distracted by others' drama or complaining. I'm almost always willing to be a listening ear or help someone out, but those conversations need to take place in the appropriate environment.

 

You are lovely - don't doubt it. You deserve to be able to concentrate on your new endeavors. Sometimes people don't pick up on the verbal cueing, so you have to be more direct.

[Trying]

Thank you all for making me feel a little better about my attitude.  I was always a compassionate person and I would like to think I still am.  Friends, patients and people in general have always felt they could come to me to talk about their problems and I listen with an open heart.  I know I am less patient now with what I see as petty problems but this group of people I am in class with is really pushing me past my limits.

 

I don't like feeling that I am insensitive and I really don't want to lose it and end up blurting out all of my sad story to shut them up.  I understand that people can't really comprehend problems beyond what they have experienced and I don't fool myself into thinking my life is harder than anyone else's.  Wish me luck today as I go spend yet another 8 1/2 hours with these people!

[Needytoo]

Oddly, I find comfort in this post.  People always come and tell me their problems but I find it hard to open up and talk about problems and right now I rather keep life positive.  But just like you Trying I think their is a time and place to talk about "issues" and I thought maybe I am one heck of a cold fish/bitch.  I actually just started e-therapy because of this.  Now I don't feel so bad.  Thanks for posting about this. 

[Trying]

Needy too, There is a comfort in knowing other people feel similar, maybe we are all ok.  Or, maybe we are all a bunch of cold fish/bitches ???

[Wheelerswife]

I just think you know how to be professional.  I don't know if you remember this, but back in the mid 1990's, we were at work one day and I got a phone call from my husband that he had been in an accident with his van.  (A little old lady broadsided him coming down a hill, he lost control of the van and rammed into a house!)  I had to leave work immediately.  He ended up hospitalized for a few days with injuries that could have been serious, but he did well.  You and our colleagues took over my caseload.  I came back to work a few days later and everyone was supportive of me, but we got back to work and took care of what needed to be done. 

 

My point, really, is that you know the time and place for personal discussions and you can be empathetic, but you know how to find the balance.  Yes, our BS meters don't have nearly as much forgiveness as they once did, but we are also used to working with people who have big problems in terms of their health.  The older we get, the more we understand that people can only understand their problems in relation to their own life experience and maturity.  Those who haven't learned as many life lessons yet most likely will, but still, I hope that people don't have to learn some of what I learned before I turned 50.

 

Hang in there...and know that your life experience and professionalism will get you far as you embark on your new and adventurous career path.

 

Maureen

[Mrskro]

I have to admit; I found comfort in this....that I'm not alone.

 

Mike....you hit it bang on  woe-is-me poker....unfortunately, I've been playing that game with my family for the last year and a half.  I thought it was just me, my lack of patience with other.  I finally reached my breaking point and cut contact with them.  But then again they are all DGIs.

 

I do believe there is a time and place for letting things out,  work and school are definitely not those places. 

 

 

[MrsDan]

You are not cold hearted. Even before Dan died, I had little patience for drama that to me, seemed self generated. I just felt like life is hard enough, there is enough real pain and sadness. Why would anyone want to generate more? So naturally after Dan died my feelings on the matter expanded exponentially. Right now, in addition to Dan dying, my FIL is terminal, and my boyfriend is dealing with a very serious and stressful situation. All things that are not only very difficult, but over which we have little to no control. Dealing with that, and watching them deal with that, it's very hard for me to be sympathetic to problems that are either easily fixable, or frankly minor.

[soloact]

You are not cold hearted. You're professional. Don't give it another thought.

[canadiangirl]

No way! I had the same reaction as SVS.  You are on point.  I can't cry and complain about my lot at work- I am being paid to do a job, and no one gets it anyway.  Work's for work. I suck it up and whinge and complain here instead ;-)

 

Speaking of cold and hardened, a work colleague is back at work part-time after a year of leave during which her 20-something year-old spouse nearly died of extreme metastatic cancer (and is still unlikely to survive)... and some of our/her colleagues are gossiping that she was having too much fun on her time off and don't believe that she required stress/caregiving leave and that her life was a hardship because of her Facebook posts (they got married (b/c of love but also in part because married status makes caregiving easier, at least in our medical system), she posted about outings, new pet, staying positive etc).  Now THAT is cold and hardened.  I am so disgusted with them, I want to collectively tear a strip out of them.  But it's work, so I keep my own counsel.  Good luck with your course. 

[Sugarbell]

I probably am to an extent...much more so than I was 9 years ago.

 

But...if someone has a real problem..my empathy is high. For some reason IRL..people lately lean on me when they are having major setbacks..illness, family falling apart, financial strain..serious problems with kids.

 

I am the go to person...I got their back....But I also have a low threshold for bullshit. Stupid problems...I am not mean..but I go into my own little world and literally ignore the conversations.

 

This journey has made me more empathetic to real life issues that matter..I am aware and am there for those people. But the drama bullshit catty stuff...I am not the person to participate. period.

 

I do keep personal life private. If I share something on FB..its usually kid or house related right now. I don't discuss my personal romantic life. I don't whine or participate in ridiculous whining of bullshit. And I have been known to walk away right in the middle of a conversation if I think its ridiculous.

 

You are not hardened...You are wiser..You are more authentic....There is a difference.

[Suki1]

Does the instructor find everyone's telling their tales of woe disruptive? If it interrupts the class, perhaps you could talk with her (or him), just the two of you, and ask whether s/he could do something to help. Do the others in the class even realize there are different ways to behave? They might not have a clue as to what "private" or "personal" means. This could be an opportunity for a little enlightenment ... And restraining themselves from airing all their dirty or unhappy laundry in class could also be approached as a step in learning how to behave more professionally. Which could be useful if the class is one that anyone takes in the hopes of getting a better job or preparing for employment. I hope things work out.

 

 

[Trying]

All of the teachers and administrators are fed up with our group as well.  Certain teachers are able to minimize the disruptions better than others and we have been spoken too multiple times as a class about keeping the drama outside of class.  There seems to be this overwhelming sense of entitlement from the offending classmates that they should be able to behave any way they want because they pay tuition.  The fact the serious students are also paying tuition and our experience is being effected doesn't seem to be of concern to them.  I know that it will impair their ability to get and maintain employment and they are not open to hearing that.  I have so much stress in my personal life that I would just like to go to school, learn everything I possibly can while I am there and get finished so I can work on my career.  On Thursday after class I was talking and joking with a classmate in the break room before leaving and one of my teachers actually commented that she didn't realize until then that I had a personality.  I had to explain that it takes every ounce of effort I have to focus in class and drown out all of the distractions, plenty of time for my personality to shine outside of class.  So I guess I do come off a bit cold.