Still learning how to be a girlfriend, not sure I want to be a wife

[Bunny]

The other night my boyfriend said he felt like our relationship was a threesome- him, me, my husband- and that he hoped someday it could be just the two of us building a life together. It was said matter-of-factly, without accusation, just a hint of wistfulness. I was surprised. I thought I'd done a pretty good job of making him feel special. After paying closer attention, I do kinda see his point.

 

I think part of the problem is we spent many months hanging out as friends, starting when I'd only been widowed 18 months, so I talked often and openly about my grief and husband. He was a very good listener, he helped me get off my porch and step back out into the world. Coddling and pushing in proper measure. But now we've been dating for....20 months. (Holy crap!) It's time I let go of some behaviors, start acting more like a girlfriend and less like a widow. Turns out that is a bit emotionally complicated for me. I mean,  I'm not talking about erasing my past, just working on letting it be the past. I'm considering my thoughts and words more often. It's kind of like after you quit smoking and realize just how many cues there are throughout your day that make you crave a cigarette.

 

I've told him I want to spend the rest of my life with him, which I do, so why am I so ambivalent about getting married again?

 

Reasons to marry him: 1) he's never been married, this is the first time he's wanted to be- why deny him that experience? 2) control of situation if something were to happen to one of us. 3) we have a very equal relationship regarding things such as cooking, cleaning, yard work, etc. (gotta love a life-long bachelor!)

 

Reason not to get married: Don't want to lose this feeling of complete autonomy, of having absolute sole control of my destiny. I've always considered myself a feminist, but my marriage did fall along pretty traditional lines. That was fine when I married at 32. That would no longer work for me on the verge of age 52 (hmmm....I'm beginning to understand this desire for a younger wife is about more than just firmer flesh!) This is the longest I've ever lived alone. It took a while to get used to, for sure. But it turns out, I quite like it. For many reasons. And yet...I do love being taken care of. And, thankfully, he loves taking care of me.( I mean, it's mutual- I date in total wifey mode, which he super enjoys).

 

I guess I'm just observing myself behaving quite differently than the last time I was single. Parts of it are widowhood, parts of it age, and parts of it are just not sure I want to feel so legally 'tied down' once again. I am, by turns, more and less romantic now. I feel he gets to have both the best and the worst of me.

 

Please feel free to chime in with your own feelings of ambivalence, adjustments, reluctance...

 

P.S. I am just now realizing the impact that being childless also plays into things. I mean, no little ones to keep pictures up for, share daddy stories with. No reason to keep our matching last name should I decide to re-marry. I suppose from the outside it looks easier, but it's...complicated in a whole different way. No simple 'excuse' for keeping those pictures/mementos around. And no one to leave them to when you are dead. You are truly the last one standing- it's lonely on another level.

[Guest TalksToAngels]

Reason to marry.. One feels ready and it will enhance life and mutual experiences.

Reason to not.. Loneliness, longing for what we had, or expectations things will feel as they once did.

I've seen so many who regretted the latter.

I think this is a very personal choice and comes from within, everyone will have dividing opinions.

[Trying]

I think it is very complicated.  Age and maturity are definitely a factor, we are not who we were in our 20's and 30's.  Then there is the fact that our first marriage did not end by choice, it's not something we want to forget or put behind us.

 

My situation is a little different because I have 3 children at home and my NG has 2 little ones.  They complicate our decision to marry. A year ago I didn't think I would ever remarry even though I was in love with NG.  Now I do feel strongly that it is what I want but timing is the issue.  I miss having a partner to share my life with, the joys, the struggles and just the day to day stuff.  I want someone to come home to and I want someone who I can shower my love on.  For practical reasons I want the security of knowing that someone has my best interests at heart if something were to happen to me.  I am lucky that I found NG who has become my best friend, he has ignited a passion in me that I thought was long gone, he is the person I turn to first with good news or when I'm having a bad day. 

 

If you decide to marry I think you can define what it will look like with your husband to be.  You can preserve your independence and your space which I personally think makes a marriage stronger and more interesting any way. 

 

I found your comment about being childless to be eye opening.  My kids give me a reason and a means to keep DHs memory alive, to share stories, to have pictures around.  I never thought how different it would be without them as an excuse to keep DH's memory actively in our life.  I'm not sure how you can make space for those memories in your life but I think it's important that you find a way that is comfortable for you while respecting your new love.

 

Whatever you decide I hope you have peace and clarity with your choice.

[Guest TooSoon]

What does marriage mean to you?  I was opposed to the institution of marriage initially because I have to be difficult and contrary about everything.  In the end I married (it was a dying wish of my late husband's mother) and did not regret it.

 

I came to think of a marriage as a commitment to help one another be our best selves and achieve our goals both together and as individuals.  To be strong when and where the other was weak.  Marriage to me is the one place where you can be your true self with no conditions.  I still believe in that.  I'm not sure this makes sense to anyone but me but that's how I understand it.  Of course all relationships are more complex than that but that's the foundation upon which I view marriage.

[serpico]

I agree with TooSoon.  Viewed through my prism of marriage, I don't think your 'Top 3 Reasons to Marry Him' are enough reason to take the plunge.  But maybe you see marriage differently.  I would only suggest that you both know for sure what the other thinks marriage is before you commit to it.

[Guest TalksToAngels]

I'm not too crazy about his comment about feeling like a threesome. Doesn't honestly sound like he understands your loss.

Things can change when the vows are said, I would be cautious. Also don't know but maybe you have some grief work to get through also. Just make sure this is not a first sign of control, your 1rst husband should ALWAYS hold a special place in your heart, no exceptions.

[Sugarbell]

The past 18 months....I've become a pretty good girlfriend. I am loyal, adventurous, help with his occasional yard projects, am a good mentor to his adult college age daughter (who I only see about once every 3 months)....Support the teams he coaches...never nag or demand where he is-Accept his faults and he accepts mine (like he's chronically late..and has too much junk in his house).

 

But I would be a horrible wife at this stage of my life....And all those things would irk the hell outta of me if I were a wife.

 

But I am a great girlfriend....Wife too much work right now.

 

Someday....not now. And he is the same way.😊

[mmg19]

It's complicated.  We've all heard that before.  I am relating to this post strictly from my own perspective and I respect all points of view. 

 

I like TooSoon's response.  The commitment to plan and achieve goals along with each of you being a better person because of what you each add to the relationship and to each other.  When I think of "girlfriend" I think of my high school, college, and before DH days.  I believe my behaviors and actions were typically selfish, immature, and not in a compromising mode.  Sharing, commitment, and achieving future goals are important to me in my present relationship.  We compliment one another and share the same family values.  NG has adult children and I have early teens.  Parenting is very different with each age but it is parenting nonetheless. 

 

We are both looking forward to marriage and commitment this summer.  We have a lot of living to do but growing old together makes my heart feel and know that this decision is the right one.  Bunny  - here's hoping you work through your thoughts and make the decision that is right for you. 

[RobFTC]

For US residents, you lose access to your late spouse's Social Security account if you remarry before the  age of 60.  I would suggest knowing that price tag.  As I get closer to 60, the wait seems more worthwhile.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[Quixote]

For US residents, you lose access to your late spouse's Social Security account if you remarry before the  age of 60.  I would suggest knowing that price tag.  As I get closer to 60, the wait seems more worthwhile.

 

Take care,

Rob T

 

Isn't there a "cash out"?  It was all a blur in those first few months, so I don't remember the particulars, but I did get a settlement from Social Security.  She was 45.

[Guest TooSoon]

For US residents, you lose access to your late spouse's Social Security account if you remarry before the  age of 60.  I would suggest knowing that price tag.  As I get closer to 60, the wait seems more worthwhile.

 

 

I respect you, Rob and we often agree on lots of things but when it comes to matters of the heart, I do not believe a healthy relationship can be dictated by things like social security.  I've had this conversation with adp - and without much discussion, we settled on what's mine is yours.  Marriage isn't a business deal.  I'm going to make a biiiig professional compromise one of these days soon.  But my having a life and my child having a father is way more important.  Yes, go into it knowing what the financial dynamics and ramifications are going to be (for the record, I have to work) but its a negotiation, a compromise --- it means making sometimes scary choices but if I am going to take that plunge, I am going to do it with confidence that we are in it together 100%.  Otherwise, what is the point?  I don't think pensions or SS should hold us back from living again. 

[RobFTC]

In this case, getting married has a cost, and it doesn't make sense to not know the cost.  If you like the outcome regardless of the cost, cool.  But one should know, and be able to talk about waiting and whether the certificate and the commitment are the same thing for the two involved.

 

I am probably a little compromised that the subject is so damned moot in my life, of course.

 

Rob T

[Guest TalksToAngels]

If you are on your 30s or 40s it can be quite different, however some who would totally benefit by age 60 SS especially if your passed spouse had a lot invested would indeed be foolish to give it up.

I can get my pension and my spouses SS.

It would be insanity to jeapordize a comfortable retirement.

If someone is with you that's fine. Having a piece of paper to confirm you're in Love doesn't mean things could not change, and then you just lost a financially good future. If someone Loves you, they'll understand. You can still live, be together.

[serpico]

If someone Loves you, they'll understand.

 

I'm not sure I would.

[Trying]

I think that the older we are the more important the financial aspects of a marriage become and must be discussed between the two partners.  Having enough money to retire is a big factor and needs to be considered.  If I remarry I will lose DHs SS which is significant but he also left a good 401K, more substantial than my own because I took 8 years off to be a full time mom.  But I have another 20 years of working ahead of me to build mine up too so the SS will not be a big factor for me.  If I was going to have to rely solely on SS in my retirement and a prospective spouse didn't have decent retirement savings then I could see living together and waiting until after 60 to remarry. 

 

I don't think it's cold or unromantic to think about finances.  Money worries are a major stressor and a leading cause of divorce.  Open discussions with a partner are important so you can be on the same page and have no resentments. 

 

Of course for some there are religious or cultural reasons that would make living together outside of marriage not an option.  That's a choice but finances still should be discussed.

[Guest TooSoon]

Sorry for my comment; I was projecting and having a not so good (ok, downright awful) day.  I wasn't looking at the whole picture.  :-\

[Guest TalksToAngels]

I would not be with someone who could not understand.

[soloact]

Rob introduced a reasonable consideration. Making an informed decision can't be bad. Social Security survivor benefits are not subject to deeming. That adds considerable flexibility to claiming. Recent legislation (11/2/2015) now subjects retirement and spousal benefits to deeming until age 70. That significantly reduces a couples benefits in many cases.

 

Carefully evaluating SS survivor benefits before disqualifying yourself is worth a bit of thought if you're in striking distance of 60.

 

[Guest TalksToAngels]

Yes they will always find new ways to limit or freeze benefits. It's amazing the political BS polititions have money to give to other countries but are the last to take care of their own. I know the SS is reduced for every year you take it earlier, and it is further reduced and you can only take one or the higher at your retirement age, and it's also penalized if your still working, but it's still something to consider. Hell maybe it's better to retire early and get a pt job off the books. I've worked a lot of years, and not about to give up that option, I've been on my own 6 yrs plus, somehow I'm getting kind of used to it.

[soloact]

Widow(ers) still have the option to take one benefit early and then switch to the other. I hope that is not done away with too soon.

[serpico]

In this case, getting married has a cost, and it doesn't make sense to not know the cost.

 

True, but assuming your future spouse has an income, getting married also means more income coming in.  I'm 16 years away from 60, but I have to think that even if I'm closer to 60 as long as my incoming spouse makes more than my wife's SS that's more than a fair economic trade.

[RobFTC]

In this case, getting married has a cost, and it doesn't make sense to not know the cost.

 

True, but assuming your future spouse has an income, getting married also means more income coming in.  I'm 16 years away from 60, but I have to think that even if I'm closer to 60 as long as my incoming spouse makes more than my wife's SS that's more than a fair economic trade.

 

That only follows if you are certain that your prospective wife will walk if you don't get legally married before you're 60.  Frankly, I am seeing more who would walk if I insisted on marriage.

 

Another factor is that I don't want to work past 60, and my late wife's Social Security matters quite a lot from age 60 until I start collecting on my own account.

 

Rob T

[soloact]

Benefits can be leveraged too. Survivor benefits at 60 while retirement benefits acrue DRCs until 70.

[Guest TalksToAngels]

What is DRC ?

[serpico]

That only follows if you are certain that your prospective wife will walk if you don't get legally married before you're 60.  Frankly, I am seeing more who would walk if I insisted on marriage.

 

I would imagine there are many out there like me who wouldn't entertain a long-term committed relationship without marriage.  But I think my point still stands.  I'm guessing benefits get cut off upon remarriage because it is assumed that the new spouse will bring more income into the household, thus negating the need for the Social Security benefits.

 

Edited to add: I guess I don't even know when widows can even start to collect on their late spouse's benefits.  My kids get survivor benefits but I don't get anything.  I assume this is an age-tested thing?