Lost my husband of 21 years on Feb 13, 2016 to Suicide

[jenghes]

Hi all, I have been browsing here, but I haven't seen anyone else with the same situation as me yet, is there anyone else here that lost their loved one to suicide?

 

Tom and I were married 21 years.  We have 3 children.  Girls 19, 16 and a boy that is 8.  Tom was 46 when he passed.

 

He was having problems at work, we had some marriage problems, what couple doesn't from time to time? And he was going through some anxiety and depression and having trouble sleeping.  The doctor put him on Trazadone and had just increased his dosage.  Tom had asked me to read the side effects of the drug, I did.  But being that this was not our first go around with this, I didn't dream that he was hinting that suicidal thoughts as being the side effect that he was hinting at.  I thought it was the sleeplessness, nervousness etc.  I was so wrong.  We had a fight just before it happened, I call it the "incident".  I said some not-so-nice things to him during our fight.  I found out that before our fight, he gave our middle daughter a long hug, she said that it was to the point of being uncomfortable.  He also told her before that he'd rather be dead than divorced.  I hadn't asked for a divorce, we were just having another rough patch.

 

So what happened was, we had our fight that we had countless times.  I said something not so nice to him and went downstairs to prepare to take our daughter to her friends house.  I was supposed to leave in about ten minutes.  So I started loading the dishwasher.  Both the 16 year old and 8 year old were home.  I heard a thud-thud.  Wasn't sure what it was so I went upstairs and said, "Tom, what was that?".  No answer.  I looked in the master bedroom, and said "Tom?", went into the kids rooms, nothing.  I then found him in the master closet.  He had shot himself in the head.  The blood was all over.  The smell was rancid.  I called 911, they wanted me to check for a pulse.  I knew he was dead and didn't know how to check.  The police, paramedics, coroner and detective all came over.  I was questioned by the detective.

 

So, here I am, a month out.  A 45 year old single mother of three.  I still have melt-downs every day.  The smallest things trigger it.  Walking through work, a song at church, grocery store, looking at a facebook post, you name it, everything reminds me of him.  I cry from sorrow. I feel guilty.  I get angry.  If he wanted to hurt me, I can understand.  If he hated his job so bad, why not look for another job.  But why, why, why leave his babies?  It angers me so much that he did this to them.  Why? Why? Why?

 

Jen

 

[BrokenHeart2]

Hi Jen

  I just replied to your other post and read this one now. Wow you must be devastated and I'm so sorry you all have to go through this. Hugs to all of you.

[Guest Damiansinc]

No words. So much love and understanding here. Keep breathing.

[Portside]

Hi Jen - please accept my sympathies on the passing of your husband.

 

My late wife also died by her own hand - a GSW to the chest. We were married for 18 years. At the time our sons were 9 and 10 - the boys and I had been gone for the weekend. According to the police, she was planning on taking us with her but she became tired of waiting for us to return home. As it was, she engineered it such that my youngest would find her. As you know, it was horrible.

 

Try not to torture yourself with the "Whys?". There are no answers.

 

The 'good' news (such as it is) is that the acute pain that you feel daily eventually subsides and, at some point, a new normal will become your life. It's been almost 8/9 years now that she is gone (I honestly have forgotten the exact date) and I'm happy to say the boys and I are doing very well in spite of this horrible experience.

 

Best wishes, Mike

 

 

 

 

[WifeLess]

jenghes,

 

I, too, lost my spouse to suicide, in my case after 28 years together. So I am not surprised that you feel as you describe in your post. As I have posted a number of times in the past, the psychological trauma of the SOS (survivor of suicide) of a loved one is classified among the most extreme that a person may ever experience. And this is made even worse when that suicide is of one's spouse, whose death is ranked as the single most emotionally stressful event in an adult's life.

 

There are number of us here who have had to bear the extraordinary burden of the SOS widow(er), and we have often shared our stories on this site, especially in the Specific Situations section. Hopefully it will bring you a measure of comfort to know that you are not alone.

 

Sorry for the traumatic loss that brought you here.

 

--- WifeLess

 

 

[First Widow]

Jen - I'm so sorry for your loss.  I lost my husband of almost 20 years to a self-inflicted gunshot to his head just outside our house while my daughter and I were home last May.  This past year has been the hardest of my life but seeing the posts of others like Portside and WifeLess early on helped me understand that it would not always be as hard as it was in the months that followed.  I still have moments of sadness, but the gut-wrenching pain has subsided for the most part, along with most of the anger.  I've worked hard with a therapist to let go of the whys.  My daughter was able to return to college in the fall and is doing well, my son completed his Eagle Scout project in memory of his father and is looking forward to college in the fall, and I've recently started a new job after running a business with my late husband for a quarter of a century.  I hope reading this offers you some hope for your future, just as other's posts helped me.  Wishing you some peace.

[SoVerySad]

I am so sorry for the tragic loss of your husband, Jenghes. I lost my husband suddenly due to a heart arrhythmia, so I don't have your same experience. As several people have already responded, please know you are not alone in the manner in which your husband died. I just wanted to send you a tight hug and let you know we are here to help support you and your children in any way we can. 

[Jess]

jenghes, I am so glad you found us but so incredibly sorry you needed to. I am hoping the support from all of us, but especially those that have walked in your shoes can help you. We are here to support you. I am wishing you peace and comfort.

[Forgottenwife]

So, here I am, a month out.  A 45 year old single mother of three.  I still have melt-downs every day.  The smallest things trigger it.  Walking through work, a song at church, grocery store, looking at a facebook post, you name it, everything reminds me of him.  I cry from sorrow. I feel guilty.  I get angry. 

Jen

Hi Jenghes. I am so sorry for your loss.

 

I too lost my husband to suicide after 22 years of marriage and 2 children. I am glad you and your children are physically safe. Please take care of yourself. I am not surprised you are experiencing triggers, a month is not very long and it takes a long time, I am sure different for each of us, to feel ok.

 

It can and does get better. I found my own ways to cope - a SOS meeting for spouses, some individual therapy and connecting with others who had a similar loss. As others have experienced, I did eventually come to a new life. I'm ok now.

 

Come here often if it helps. We understand.

 

 

[Jen]

(((((((HUGS)))))))) from another Jen. I am so, so very sorry.

[Mrskro]

I am so sorry for what you are going through.  Hugs.

[Amor]

(((Jingles))),

I am wishing you peace and comfort. 

Amor

[piecesofapart]

My heart goes out to you and your children. I lost my husband of 17 years in Aug. 2013 to suicide. He tried 7-8 times before- but made sure this last time it would be it.  We too had a horrible fight the last time I saw him- thankfully he did call two days later and I did get to tell him I loved him. The next day he still went thru with his plan. Actually the fight was about him wanting to kill himself and how he would do it so his mom would find him- and that's exactly what happened.

 

I felt tremendous gulit- almost to the point of destroying me- but guilt gets you nowhere. When someone is as sick as they are- they are going to do what they are going to do- their mind is sick to the point it's fatal.

 

My heart hurts for the life journey you are going to have to take...someone told me to make friends with my grief- since it's going to be around a long time..after I accepted I was going to feel the way I was going to feel- it helped...its been said here to- that sometimes you just have to sit in your grief. Someone else here has a tagline- that says- she did not want her husband's legacy to be that it destroyed her. Good advise...

 

Glad you found this board...out of everything out there- the group of SOS's here are the ones I've gained the most support from- and that have been my sanity. I hope I too can make good of my situation and support those who come after me...

 

Wishing you peace....