Question Regarding First Date Experience

[linda5]

Hi!  It's been a little over 3 years without the love of my life, and I went on my first date last weekend with another couple that introduced us.  He had a great body, was nice to talk to, but I felt NOTHING.  I did think he was a nice guy.  He's interested in me and I don't want to lead him on if I'm really not interested.  This is where I need help ... do you have feelings right away?  Since I was still in love with my husband, and I felt nothing for him, does this mean he isn't the right guy for me, or I'm still in love with my husband and there never will be a right guy, or I'm still dating too soon for me?  Do I go out again and try to develop a friendship and see if I have any romantic feelings for him?  Or is that just leading him on?  Dating sure isn't for the faint of heart.

[Portside]

I'd give it one or two more dates to see if he grows on you especially since you felt he was a nice guy.

 

Try not to imagine him as a future husband but rather just as a chance to go out and have fun.

 

No dating isn't for sissies! But try to approach it as a chance to get out and enjoy yourself.

 

Good luck! Mike

[Trying]

First, take a deep breath and congratulate yourself on taking a big step and agreeing to your first, first date.  I don't have a lot of experience because I only went on one first date after DH died.  Since he was nice to talk to maybe you could try going on a date without the other couple and see what it's like to be alone with him, I would think the type of conversation would be different without the other other couple in the mix.  You can be honest with him that this is all very new to you and if no sparks after another date you don't have to continue. 

 

As for your other questions, for me it has been possible to still be in love with DH and love another and I was definitely not ready to date when I reconnected with someone from my past but it happened any way. 

[Captains wife]

Dating....I'm in "round 2" after starting to date 3 years ago. I have TONS of dating experience (unfortunately or fortunately). I also think its great that you took a chance and went out on a first date. If the issue is that you aren't "ready" for dating, then I would move on and just politely thank the guy for the date if he asks you out again but decline. But if you feel you want to keep dating and he seemed like a decent chap and there was the potential for some chemistry then I would go on date 2. You aren't really "leading" anyone on in these very early stages of dating as part of the process is discovering who is out there and what you are looking for. Its ok too to still feel in love with your husband (and therefore maybe feel conflicted about dating) and still be trying to date. We were all put in the widow/widower situation without any control so we all deserve a happy Chapter 2, if that is what we want. Personally, I have also "multi dated" (i.e. casually going out with more than one guy on individual dates) and not felt bad about it as part of the process is figuring out who/what makes you happy in Chapter 2. When I first started dating again, I just enjoyed having the male company and meeting new interesting people. Doesn't mean you need to get serious with anyone right away or quickly.

[Max2507]

I have been analyzing this a lot after a hopeful flirtation went blah. I miss the level of relationship I had with my husband but nothing starts like that things have to organically happen. It might take a few dates and getting to know him as a person. And does anyone know what to do with a 50 year olds hormones? Some days I have no interest in a relationship other days I would run away with the first man I see on the cereal isle.

[SimiRed]

My late husband wasn't a "love at first sight" for me.  I knew him young, he was quiet but quite witty and intellectual. 

 

He grew on me, we fell in love with each other over time, we were friends...and the attraction just kept growing more and more. 

 

Look for someone who makes you feel special, someone you can trust, common values and life goals. 

 

Sure, go on another date with him, if you want to get to know this person better.  I don't think you'd know on date number one whether he's "The One" or not. 

 

Ask yourself what you "expected" to feel?  Maybe you were nervous and that is all you could feel, or you were too focused on waiting for a "chemistry" feeling? 

 

I agree with Portside, give it one or two more dates and re-evaluate from there.

[MrsDan]

I wouldn't say I fell head over heels for my boyfriend on the first date. I just felt there was something about him that made me want to get to know more. He was so incredibly nice, and that kept drawing me in. And he was really easy to talk to. What I didn't anticipate was the extraordinary chemistry we have; it's beyond anything I could have imagined early on. I mean, I liked him, but really I just had a feeling, something fairly ineffable that drew me in. I very clearly recognized it and made a conscious decision to follow it and I'm so glad I did. But there were other guys, where I just got nothing. I didn't feel the need to go on more than one date in those cases.

[Guest nonesuch]

Occasionally I felt something right away.  I did with Late Husband. I did with Current Beau.  Right off the top of my head, I did with two other men I went out with. 

 

That leaves about 28 other dates over three years when I did not feel anything special.  Only one of them was a cellar-dwelling potential nut bar, one was looking for free housing, financial support and a muse all-in-one, so the other 26 or so were perfectly nice men for whom I felt no connection.  I dated one fellow who was a good match on paper.  We had common interests, but not really a common outlook (I'm a theist, he was not) and it just didn't work out. 

 

Good for you for getting out there, but don't feel obligated to date, or to feel anything for a man  you don't.  Your widowhood may, or may not have anything to do with not finding this man attractive.  Maybe he was not the man for you. 

[Lisa]

I made my late husband chase me for 6 months befire i git with the program. You dont beed to make a decision  now. If you bith had a pleasant tume, see eeach other again.

[Taurus]

Hi!  It's been a little over 3 years without the love of my life, and I went on my first date last weekend with another couple that introduced us.  He had a great body, was nice to talk to, but I felt NOTHING....

 

Hi Linda5,

I think it's only natural that you didn't feel anything for your first date after 3 years of grieving and missing your soulmate: in fact I would have been very surprised if you felt anything other than an opportunity to socialise and enjoy new companionships, for an initial date. The fact that you noticed his body suggests you might just be ready to go on a few more dates with perhaps other possibilities before allowing nature to take its course.

 

You will always have your memories with your soulmate which no one can touch. If your first date asks you out again, I would accept and just enjoy the companionship: you do not have to make any life-altering decisions right from the start, and if he's the right one for you, he'll understand and exercise patience.

 

 

[SemperFidelis]

I know I am a bit late replying..... But oh well.

 

The man I have been seeing for nine months now....he has had to be very patient with me. I think it took me four months to "feel" anything.... Like I could have done without him I felt for those first months....in fact three months in I broke up with him for 12he's because I just felt nothing. It felt wrong and like I was stringing him along.

 

But I had recognized that he had a certain set of attributes...and decided if he was going to be patient with me then I would be patient with me.

 

 

I am so glad I stuck it out. He has been such an unexpected gift in my life. I still am pretty numbed out(trauma related to the death) comparatively..... But I feel some hook now and some certainty that I want to see this thing out.

 

I too had been looking online for answers regarding whether I should keep seeing someone I felt nothing for..... And for me the answer was yes. But each situation is different.