family money

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[Mizpah]

I'm so sorry you feel alienated.  I am no longer in touch with my in-laws and it hurt feeling on the outside. 

 

I set up a trust in case I die, so my life insurance will go to my daughter without needing a court-appointed trustee and fees and all that.  The lawyer I met with said that a common way to structure it is so the child will get 10% at age 22, 25% at age 25, and the remainder at 30, but the person setting up the trust can structure it however they want to and appoint a trustee of their choosing. 

 

I wonder if maybe she doesn't realize how much you are struggling financially - the word "awkward" leads me to think that maybe it wasn't out of a sense that you're not family, but social discomfort with sending you money?????  I don't know.  Maybe I'm looking for a silver lining that isn't there, but maybe their intentions were better than how they feel.  I hope so. 

[serpico]

Very interesting.  My in-laws recently asked if I was okay remaining as the trustee of their trust.  He specifically said they were keeping everything the same as far as the split of assets.  If they had switched it and decided to funnel things directly to my kids that would have been fine with me, but I don't need the money.

 

In your case I wonder if your mother-in-law realizes that this is money you could use right now and that not only will it benefit you but also her grandchild?  I can see it being an awkward discussion, though.  'Hey, you know that money you were going to put in a trust for my kid?  I'd like to have it instead'   Maybe make sure she knows about the medical bills and how much your cash flow would improve without a mortgage?

[Guest TooSoon]

Maybe this is logistically impossible but do you think you could appeal to her and ask for assistance with the medical bills/mortgage and then have her put the rest in a trust?  Maybe she could allocate some amount she is comfortable with.  They're not your medical bills after all; they are her son's.  One would like to think others would understand what a difference this could make in your ability to parent solo and that they'd want to help lift the burden. 

 

Money is the WORST.   

 

 

[Portside]

Nothing causes more hurt feelings than the distribution of life insurance proceeds after the death of the insured. This is why a life policy is a contract between the insurance policy and the owner of the policy (and then to the beneficiary(ies) after the passing of the insured). The way you describe it, it sounds like MIL was the sole beneficiary and has total control of the assets and how they will be distributed (or won’t be).

 

As far as a trust, you may not have much input into it and how it is structured. If MIL sets it up she will most likely have herself be the trustee with you (maybe) as the secondary (or backup) trustee. Alternatively, she may have one of her other children be the backup trustee in case something happens to her. You never know.

 

Some suggestions for you if you get the chance to add your two cents:

 

Don’t construct the trust in such a fashion that it can only be used for ‘college’. For a few reasons – there are lots of other advanced educational options other than college or university available. In addition, what if your child doesn’t need/or want to go to college? Thirteen years is a long time away and the entire educational landscape will be different by then. Build some flexibility into the trust such that your child can take advantage of it without necessarily going to college. Mission trips or apprenticeships come to mind.

 

However it shakes out, as you said, try to be grateful Grandma is giving something to your child.

 

Good luck - Mike

 

 

[kjs1989]

I'm sorry, Fern.

 

It really hurts to feel you really aren't family. I get that. I have been exposed to some of those same attitudes. D's parents were deceased when he died, but they were very family-centric, also, especially D's mom. During our marriage and over the years, vague comments and slights made me aware I was never entirely considered family. I was very close to my own family so it never bothered me all that much, but I was quite conscious of the fact that I was more or less just the bearer of her grandchildren.

 

So, I am sure if D's parents were alive it would be the same situation for me. The trust would have been set up with only my kids as beneficiaries. I am sure of it.

 

I think maybe the best you can do is have a heart to heart. That will be difficult, but I would give it a go. Maybe she has no idea what you are facing as a solo parent now. That is money that will benefit your child not just in the distant future, but now, and as he or she grows up. Unless she is entirely cold-hearted, that would have to make sense to her, that this is not just about you, but what your child need NOW, without his dad in the picture. Perhaps there can be a compromise, with a portion placed in a trust for the future.

[jeff1973]

 

 

I'm sorry Fern for the hardships that you are going through.  Bad enough to lose our spouses but then most of the time life feels like it has to drive the point home that we are alone and hurting.

 

In 2010 Pam and I had our Trust and FIL had his Trust.  There was just Pam and her brother left.  Her brother died unexpectedly in June 2010,  exactly 2 months later Pam's brain cancer started.  After surgery we all went to the Trust lawyer to see if her dads Trust needed to be updated.  Yup, it did.  We would have thought that if brother wasn't around to collect his inheritance then Pam would get it all.  Nope, not at all.

 

In this state what would have gone to Pam's brother would then be given to his 2 kids.  So Pam would get half the farm and her brothers 2 kids would get the other half.  What a mess.  Legally his wife is not entitle to anything unless the Trust says so.  Since she blew what she inherited from her mom by going to Vegas, FIL was not interested in giving her anything.  Oh wait a minute, FIL had previously paid off their house that was being foreclosed on.  Hmmmm,  FIL never had to bail us out for anything.

 

It was then amended that Pam and or I would get the farm and her brothers 2 kids each received  X amount of dollars.  My 2 kids are to receive whatever cash is left over,  if there is any.

 

Pam nor I and a bunch of others never received anything from Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles or friends but things are different today. 

 

The one thing Pam didn't get done was set up college funds before she passed.  She was concerned of how to set it up so DD wasn't dipping into it and what if they didn't go to college.  I told her a few days before she passed I would take care of it and I will, to the amount she said.  Another promise to keep.

 

To me, I think the money in most cases should go to the spouse of the deceased, but in my Sil case, she would have spent it at the nearest Casino.  Her son has received his inheritance early for a down payment on a house.  There is something to show for it which pleased FIL.

 

Maybe things are different in your state but that is what happened in my little world.

 

I hope things work out for you, Jeff1973

 

     

 

 

[Mrskro]

I know how difficult this situation is.  My Dad just passed away and set up a spousal trust for my step mother.  My brother and sister and step mother are now fighting the will and beneficiaries because my dad didn't set ANYTHING up properly.  My brother and sister think all the money should go to us. (my mother passed away when we were young and the money was from her and my father)  My father was married for 23 years to my step mom.  He tried to set it up to support her and the balance upon her death reverts to the three of us.  Not her kids.  ITS a Mess! 

 

My recommendation is get a good estate lawyer and accountant.  I think you need both need to properly set things up as they have different skills, the law vs the government and taxes.

 

My will is set up with trusts for both my kids,  it is structured in such a way that the trustee will payout for any education needs, a vehicle if needed and can pay out for a down payment on house etc upon the trustees approval.  The lump sum doesn't get paid out until they are 35.  The trust is structured to give them a start in life, not allow them to come into huge sums of money and slack off.  I figure by then they have had to support themselves, figured out their lives, hopeful are in a good marriage.  It eliminates some of the possibility of someone marrying them for money.  But at 35 the lump sum can help them pay off their mortgages, maybe get a cottage,  enjoy their lives. 

 

I did not set up an education trust because it become murky if they don't go to school etc.

[Guest TalksToAngels]

I don't like to give or imply advise but her even offering this is an option that you should be grateful for.