Mother's Day and MIL

[ieh21]

Mother's Day is coming up.

I don't really have a relationship with MIL. She is a child, not a fully-grown woman. She has led her life depending on others and being taken care of by her father, then her husband. As a result, she's always put her needs ahead of anyone else's. Despite this, I don't think that she is a bad person. She is just someone whose company I don't enjoy. She wants me to love her, but I find that oppressive. Her constant "I love you" "I miss you", they are intrusive to me. We didn't have a relationship before Joe died. We still don't.

 

I bring my DCs to see them, once a month. I feel this is my only responsibility, to my DH, to the DCs. But otherwise, I don't want her as a responsibility. FIL is sick, he has Parkinson's, so now she is a caregiver and HATES it. She lost her son and her only sister. She doesn't say "I love you" because of who I am, she says "I love you" because she needs someone to rely on. She doesn't know any better.

 

So Mother's Day comes along, and she really wants me to do something with her. But she isn't my mother. I don't like to entertain her idea that we have a bond. It annoys me because one of the only negative feelings I still harbour, five years later, is an irrational anger at the injustice that they are still alive and Joe isn't. That I am stuck having them in my life when I don't want to.

 

In past years, on Mother's Day, I have limited it to a text message. We saw them either the week before or after, but pointedly not on Mother's Day. This year I feel oddly guilty about it. She's been reminding me that it's Mother's Day for the past two days. Asking me if I have plans over the weekend. Should I do something?

 

I asked this question of people who are not in our sub-sector of the world. Everyone unanimously felt horribly that I would even suggest to leave this poor mother alone on Mother's Day. Yet that didn't quite convince me that I should go out of my way... Any thoughts from widow(er)land?

 

 

[Mrskro]

My 2 cents....you are a Mother as well.  You should enjoy your Mother's Day!  My LMIL and I didn't get along very well.  We visited before or after, or my DH went for a few hours with the kids,  I was not going to spend my Mother's day miserable with a women that I didn't have a real relationship with.    I will say she passed a few months before my husband so I can't honestly say what I would have done after though. 

 

 

[sojourner]

Do something that gives *you* some kind of enjoyment, and don't get sucked into the the guilt trap. That would only reinforce her guilting behavior as a tool to get her wants/needs met, from how you described the situation. Text her as usual, maybe have a nice card to send, but maintain your boundries, IMO.

 

We've all been through too much to actively seek out closer relationships with anyone who pretty much only knows how to take, even if we sympathize with their predicament. That's my opinion, at least (based in part on having various trying relatives myself).  :-\

[Tatianakm]

Well, ieh21, I could've written your post, as it is almost identical situation, right down to Parkinson's with my FIL. Only I have never heard a "love you" or a "miss you" of out my MIL. Actually, just a few weeks earlier I got a text implying if I will not make an effort for them to see my child on a regular basis they will have to petition the court for the visitations. That just sent me up the wall, and an "old me" would probably confront them and let them know that this is not a productive way to maintain a relationship with me or my child, I would not be bullied.

 

Death of my husband is such a life changing and altering event, that I feel I am not myself, not the old me, anyway. I cooled down and let it go, did not reply for a couple of weeks to that nonsence. Yesterday, as a good will gesture, I called her and offered to visit her on Sunday and bring my child to spend some time. Yes, I will bring along a small gift and will make an effort to make the day pleasant for her. This is what my husband would've wanted...it doesn't matter what I want. The only thing I really want- to have him back- I will never have, everything else is just insignificant stuff and not worth my energy.

 

And yes, I also wonder how unfair is the fact that both of them- she with a pacer device, he with multiple bypass surgeries- are still here, and my DH's heart stopped suddently and no one could do anything about it.

 

 

 

[BrokenHeart2]

I so understand.

Hugs

[Portside]

Mother's Day is coming up.

 

Her constant "I love you" "I miss you", they are intrusive to me.

 

She doesn't say "I love you" because of who I am, she says "I love you" because she needs someone to rely on. She doesn't know any better.

 

Should I do something?

 

I asked this question of people who are not in our sub-sector of the world. Everyone unanimously felt horribly that I would even suggest to leave this poor mother alone on Mother's Day. Yet that didn't quite convince me that I should go out of my way... Any thoughts from widow(er)land?

 

Yes, suck it up and do something for her. Even a small thing could possibly have great meaning to her. You discount her "I love you's" because she is spoiled. So? Many of us are.

 

There is no one that needs companionship, even if it is a very light touch of it, more than the lonely. (As many here can attest).

 

Please reach out and throw her a bone.

 

Best wishes - Mike

[Trying]

My relationship with MIL has been a little strained since DH died and even more so for my older 2 boys.  She has 3 living children so I don't feel total responsibility for her on holidays.  Since I am not even able to see my own mother this Mother's Day I don't feel badly that I won't see her either.  I did ask her and FIL to dinner tonight but she cancelled last night.  I will find another time to see her.

 

I think it's a personal choice on how you balance compassion for your spouse's parents and minimizing contact with someone who you find is toxic.  Lunch on another day, a card and some flowers, a small gesture to a mom whose son is no longer here to celebrate her is a compassionate gesture. 

 

As for those feelings of anger that they are alive and your DH is not, I think most of us have had these feelings about certain people, I know I have.  I would bet that most mothers would say they would rather it had been them that died than child so we can't really blame them for still being alive. 

 

Holidays and "special" days like this can just be plain hard for all of us.

[Needytoo]

I think everyone has made very good points, but it comes down to it is Mother's Day and it is a day that our children should spend with us not us making someone else's Mother Day a wonderful day.

 

Hugs to you.

[ieh21]

Thank you all for your thoughtfulness.

 

I'll drop off the DCs for lunch and go run some errands. That's what I do monthly anyway and it seems to make her happy. My DCs don't seem to be bothered. If it wasn't for them, we'd have no relationship at all, so that is more meaningful than me trying to chat with her for any length of time.

 

You discount her "I love you's" because she is spoiled. So? Many of us are.

 

I don't discount her I love yous because she's spoiled but because they are meaningless. They are words she says to create an artificial bond that she needs, there is nothing reciprocal. She was a terrible mother to DH in many respects by taking selfish to another level. like a child who is only about self-preservation. To me, the words and the feeling behind them are too important to just throw around.

 

 

 

 

[Mizpah]

Can you have your kids do something for her, like make her cards?  I feel for her - it's Mother's Day and her son is dead.  But she has grandchildren.  I think something like cards or flowers or a phone call is a good balance between your need for distance and doing a good deed? 

 

Edited: Oops.  I didn't hit post until waaaay later, and you'd already resolved it.  I think it's a good decision.  You don't have to have a relationship, but it's good for your kids to honor her, and for her to have someone on Mother's Day.  DH's mom was very dependent on him, practically and emotionally.  I was very judgy and angry about it after he died, and talked to my therapist a lot about it.  She called him a "parental child," and apparently it's quite common, unfortunately.  I feel badly for your MIL.  She lacks the capabilities or opportunities to have a broader life perhaps, and I think it's not as uncommon as we'd hope in earlier generations of women, who, as you say, went from father to husband.  It's hard not to take it personally or be personally bothered by it, it's an unwanted obligation, or rather not yours but inherited but you want to not inherit it.  I don't know. 

[Torn]

I hate your also in this position. .

  Today I'm sure my MIL is dumb enough to be thinking that I'm not getting in touch with her,she's a selfish human & has recently  caused more hardship in my family, what's left of family.

  Happy Mothers day  to you ladies,care for yourselves  today,please  your all worth it

 

[tybec]

I appreciate your post.  It resonated with me and my MIL relationship.  I used to write about her on the old site.  She, too, is child like, never growing up, being my DH's friend, to the point, she was the party place for all the kids when in HS.  The cool MOM.  So, everyone loved her.  I am the only one to call her MIL as DH was an only child.  She followed us to where we live after another relationship fell through for her and she had nowhere to go.  She did become a great granny to our only son, and redeemed herself in lots of ways.  But after DH died, she seemed to want to take his place.  She was helpful and I allowed if for my son's sake, but 3 years later, I felt like my DH was deployed, and nothing had changed in my life.  I left my full time job so I could be the one to take care of my son.  She continued to push to be very involved, and I  set boundaries.  She joined our church, so she was there, and would intrude when I was with friends at dinners, talking, etc.  So, every year here comes Mother's day.  I have her only grandchild.  I hate it.  My mother is here, too, and I am her POA, responsible for her.  I dread Mother's day as I have to take care of the two grandmothers, when DH would have spoiled us all.  I get it.  I allow contact with my son, but he is preteen and doesn't want to hang out with an old granny.  I do get cards for the grandson to give her, flowers, and take her out, but not with much joy.  I feel a bit ashamed, but I can't take on another person, either.  She has loads of family back home but won't move because of the grandson.  I have to interject often that my son is not her son.  I have had to butt heads on activities she wants to do, and what I feel is appropriate.  I so get the struggle.  Good luck.  PS.  I am dating and boy she is having some control issues.  So more things to deal with.....