Help, advice, thoughts ... I just don't know

[Mrskro]

Sorry this might be a bit long....

 

So, I got a call on Sunday from a Mom of a kid on my son's rugby team (my son is 13).  Apparently, the boys were talking on Saturday during a day long tournament about where their dad's were.  And this boy said to my son "does your dad work Saturday's too?  Like mine?  He's never here". 

 

Well my darling boy responds with "well no he's dead."

 

The kid responds with " you're joking right"  (I'm sure its because of the way my boy said it)

 

So another boy that has known our family forever, my husband helped coach him chimes in with "Yep, his dad is dead"

 

Needless to say the boy is upset thinking he upset my son.  His parents are beside themselves because they didn't know and are so sorry their boy said anything and upset my son and how he shouldn't have said anything (The boy didn't know)  My only response was it's fine.  My son is fine. 

 

So I try and have a talk with the boy about an appropriate response to questions like this and having empathy for other people and their reactions.  That he probably shouldn't just blurt it out like that and his response is "well Mom, he is dead." 

 

As a back story my kids have lost 3 grandparents, a great grandmother and their dad since 2012.  The counselor  says he's become desensitized to death.

 

Don't get me wrong, he grieves, but I think he unfortunately at this young age just sees death as a part of life.

 

I'm not sure if I should have another conversation with him, or let it go.  Half the time I'm not sure how to tell people he passed away either.

 

Am I making too big a thing? 

 

He's well adjusted, doing well in school, sports, friends etc. 

[serpico]

I don't know that I would say you are making 'too big a thing' about it, but now that you addressed it I think you can let it go.  My older two kids will often say something like your son did, and I think it's because they are tired of getting the pitying looks.  They just want to get it out there and move on because they're tired of being the 'special' one that lost their Mom.

 

Death IS a fact of our lives - everyone's lives, actually, though many may not realize it yet.  It sounds to me like your son is doing fine.

[Max2507]

I think what your son is the truth and not inappropriate. The other kids parents should be talking to their son about its ok to make a mistake and then say 'oh I am really sorry to hear that" or " so sorry that must be really hard" My son was 15 and went back to school about a week after his dad died and one of his classmates said that exact same thing "what? you are joking" It is actually pretty common for teenagers not to believe stuff like that. So when the second day he went back he asked if he could take the obituary with him I said of course.

 

I also found my son didn't want to talk about things, went about his life as usual. A lot of times shut me down when I wanted to talk about it. Now at 18 we have had a few more discussions. Its more the teenage thing. Desensitized sounds bad. He has been exposed to death, he has seen it, doesn't mean he is desensitized. Maybe more life experienced than others his age. My son lost a dog, 3 grandparents and his dad in the span of 5 years. I think it has given him more empathy for others.

 

[Portside]

Agreed - don't stress over this. My kids were also pretty direct about telling others that didn't know that their mother died.

 

It sounds to me that your son is doing very well - all things considered.

 

Best wishes - Mike

[SoVerySad]

I'm with all the others on this one, I don't think you need to say anything else to your son. He simply stated his reality. For a boy his age, I think it was fine. While another child may find it shocking, because it is out of the norm, sadly it is your son's norm.

 

Hugs...

[mmg19]

Agree with others.  Less said the better.  Your conversation with him about empathy and responses was excellent.  I would let it go. 

[rifatheroffour]

I'm with everyone else here and your response was great. 

[Guest April]

I wouldn't read too much into it.. people get upset when we are so blunt.. but sometimes that is what comes out.. plus your son is young.. he might not have known the pc way to say it.. it sounds like he is doing great especially considering all of his losses.

[Mrskro]

Thank you all for your responses. 

 

This might be the toughest part for me....not having someone else to bounce thoughts off of,  someone to say yeah this is the way we are going to deal with a situation.

 

I appreciate your input.

 

 

[Guest April]

I can so relate! To not having someone to bounce ideas off of.. I was nagging my friend about choices I needed to make.. I could tell I was annoying her... of course she said she didn't mind.. that I needed someone to vent to.. bounce ideas off of.. I just could tell she wasn't very comfortable with it.. so I stopped.

it's hard not having that other parents input.. I miss it.. I miss sharing in our kids joys and especially in their trials..  I can't go to my Mom.. she's not very open minded.. I had to stop telling her things because she would jump in and get on them too.. which I didn't need them being attacked from all angles.. just needed another adults input without prejudice.

[twin_mom]

To add something else- I've told my kids (they're 13 now as well and he died in 2012) that it's not our job to make sure that others are okay with our grief/life situation, that's on them.  It started because my daughter did not want to tell people that he was dead and lied about where he was because she didn't want to upset people (usually adults), we all know the deer-in-the-headlights look we get often. I'm TOTALLY against lying and told her she wasn't responsible for adults' feelings, that she shouldn't be rude/obnoxious about it, but to tell them the truth.

 

I give kudos to the other boy in your situation, because he did say it wasn't something to joke about, and he did have regrets that he (potentially) brought up hurt feelings for your son- that shows some serious self-awareness for a 13 year old. We all know adults that don't have that kind of self-awareness.

[Mrskro]

My kids have been very lucky (doesn't seem like the right word) about not really having to tell anyone.  Our neighbours made sure the neighbourhood was notified and both their schools brought in counselors to notify their classes.  My son's school had them in for a week as no one in his class had experience any sort of loss.  We are very involved in our hockey leagues and baseball and all three leagues put out an email to notify everyone. 

 

This was really one of the first times he's had to flat out tell another child (that I know of).

 

I think that's where I struggled, I felt so bad for the other boy and his parents.