My heart passed away..

[Pauleena89]

One week ago today, my sweet loving amazing handsome generous husband passed away at 28 years of age. We have been together almost four years, married for 6 months. He is my soulmate, my better half, my best friend, to be honest my only real friend. I spent the last 6 days with my parents. Dealing with the funeral arrangements and my horrible in laws who my husband did not keep in touch with. Today, I am in our bed watching tv... Crying, petting our dogs, asking my husband why. He is my entire world, how do I move forward when my world has ended. I've been hearing all week how young I am, how life will work out for me. Well I want our life.. We bought a house 6 weeks ago. He was so happy and excited, so many projects ahead of us, this huge house just with me and our dogs. He wanted this house and now I don't know what to do, I can't even go upstate and pay the phone bill, how am I going to figure out how to pay this huge mortgage?

 

My husband, Karl.. He is the love of my life. His laugh, his hugs, his eyes, his smile all so perfect. Our love story oh how uplifting it is. And yet I am here alone. I can't go on without him. Can he please just come get me? I want to be with him! I'm left here to wonder, was he happy? Did he know how much I loved him? Does he know how much my heart loves him? That I will never stop loving him? Was he happy these last 3 1/2 years? I just want answers. I love him so much, I miss him so much. I just wanna join him.. I'm not the suicidal kind, totally not me. I'm super afraid of death and yet here I am hoping he just comes and gets me. I don't want to move on, I don't want this life without him. I wanna hear his laugh and taste his lips. I just want my husband.

 

This is all so sudden, we did not plan or prepare for this. Hell we never actually even considered it. I just need someone to understand, that I'm not getting over this anytime soon. I'm not interested in how my life will evaluating work out and I'll get married and forget. Because I will never forget. I am looking for a deeper meaning, i need to make sure that his legacy lives on. I just don't know what else to say. I miss you baby, I miss my heart, my sweet amazing loving,  soul mate. I just want to be with him. I would give my life to see him for one more minute.

[arneal]

Oh, Pauleena ... there are no words for such a sudden loss. Yet, each of us here, in our own way, has been exactly where you are.

 

Not a single man or woman here will EVER tell you that you have to do anything. Other than care for yourself. Your beloved would not want you to stop doing that, to stop taking care of your dog, to completely shut down. Take it one breath at a time. Even when they are ragged and full of tears. Take one step at a time.

 

Come to this space. We are here for you as much as you need us.

[Pauleena89]

Oh, Pauleena ... there are no words for such a sudden loss. Yet, each of us here, in our own way, has been exactly where you are.

 

Not a single man or woman here will EVER tell you that you have to do anything. Other than care for yourself. Your beloved would not want you to stop doing that, to stop taking care of your dog, to completely shut down. Take it one breath at a time. Even when they are ragged and full of tears. Take one step at a time.

 

Come to this space. We are here for you as much as you need us.

 

Thank you very much for your reply. I just never imagined that I would be a 26 year old widow. Those words don't even want to come out of my mouth. My husband is my entire life my whole words. I just hope that he knows how much I love him, how much he means to me, how precious and amazing he was. I hope that he was happy, God I only wish that he was happy that our life was happy for him. I don't even know where to search for answers. I'm so lost without him.

[arneal]

I and others here understand. I was widowed the first time at 30 and the second at 47. My second husband was the other half of my heart, but in his case, I know that God needed him more than I did because he was suffering (multiple health conditions). The first time round was something completely different ...

 

Look into your heart: you know what you did with and for your beloved. And he does as well. As you think about him, you will keep him close to you. As long as we remember, they are never gone ...

[AubreeAnn]

Your words are exactly what I have thought and still think. I'm in a VERY similar situation to yours. I'm so sorry you have to be here but it's truly a great place to be. I wish I could take away that pain, yours, mine, and everyone else's here. Take care of yourself and come here when you need to get your thoughts and feelings out. Everyone understands and we are here to help.

[MrsT85]

Hi Pauleena,

 

I'm so so sorry you've had reason to join us here.  I lost my husband suddenly in a car crash over three years ago when I was 27.  It was such a horrible shock and as much as I had loving friends and family in my corner, it was still so isolating.  I knew widows, but none who were young as me.  No one who had lost their spouses before they had a chance to start a "real" life together with children or a home of our own.  We had been married less than 4 years when he died, but he had been my best friend and whole word since our first date when I was just 19 years old.  And I had people in my life who dearly loved my Tim too, but no one else whose whole world was burned to the ground following his death.  I moved back into my old high school bedroom in my parents' basement the day he died and stayed there for almost a year, before moving in with other relatives for another year and finally going back out on my own in early 2015.

 

This is all so sudden, we did not plan or prepare for this. Hell we never actually even considered it. I just need someone to understand, that I'm not getting over this anytime soon. I'm not interested in how my life will evaluating work out and I'll get married and forget. Because I will never forget. I am looking for a deeper meaning, i need to make sure that his legacy lives on. I just don't know what else to say. I miss you baby, I miss my heart, my sweet amazing loving,  soul mate. I just want to be with him. I would give my life to see him for one more minute.

 

Neither did we.  We were planning on moving in with his mother at the end of May 2013 (he died in early April) so that we could have the resources to start a family by the end of that year.  He should still be alive and we should have a one-year old.  And anyone who says you'll get over it one day is - pardon my language - likely well meaning but frankly full of sh*t.  It's been over three years for me, I actually am getting remarried but I can tell you without one bit of ambiguity that I still love him as much as I did the day I lost him and that I think of him and wish for him back every day.  It's not a matter of "getting over the loss" and "leaving the past behind" because with a love like ours I don't think any of that is possible, and even if it was I wouldn't want to do so.  Rather than "moving on" I say I've "moved forward" - I don't have a choice, time only goes in one direction and I have to make the best I can with what I have left.  We all do  :'(

 

Please come back here and read and post as often as you need.  In my early days (I found the old version on this community just a few days after his car accident) reading and communicating with my fellow widows was the only thing that would make me feel even a tiny bit better because it made me feel a tiny bit less alone. 

 

Huge ((HUGS))

[donswife]

I am so sorry Pauleena

I know no words can ease your pain or bring him back

try not to think of the big things ahead just get through each day or each minute

we are here so please keep coming here and read and post

this forum was a true life saver for me as I had felt the same way as you

take care of your self

 

[SoVerySad]

Pauleena, I'm sending you tight hugs. The pain is so palpable in your words and I remember feeling so many of the same thoughts right after my husband died suddenly. It was incomprehensible that I could manage to keep going on without him, but I have for over 3 years now. The members of this community and its predecessor literally were a lifeline for me. When I thought I couldn't take another minute of life without him, someone always reached out their hand to offer support and keep me afloat. I hope you will find the same comfort here. I am terribly sorry for the loss of your beloved Karl.

 

More hugs...

[Pauleena89]

Hello everyone,

 

Thank you for all your replies. I guess I would count today as a good day. I guess. I couldn't get off the couch at my parents until about 1:30pm.. After that I had some things totaled care of.. And to avoid traffic I had the gps avoid highways.. We'll think I went on the scenic route of our lives. I drove from our current home, right by where we first lived together, by the church where the funeral was held, by our old Chicago apartment and finally by my old place of work where it all started, the long texts, phone calls and letters. I don't know if that was you baby, but it was hard.. I cried a little bit.. Laughed a little, tried to stay busy by talking to people.. That didn't really distract me. I don't know how I feel. Is it weird that I don't miss the texts and phone calls? I miss Karl. I miss his hugs, his laugh, his plans, his tattoos, I miss his touch, his lips, his eyes, he's annoying comments. I smiled as I wrote annoying comments. I know I have to survive, but if I could I wouldn't get off the couch. I haven't slept at our house yet because I'm scared. I spend my days between my parents and our house and sleep at my parents. I feel like when I'm around ppl I come off as a total b****.. When people ask how I'm doing I either say not too good or that I don't know. I realize I need to deal with this. I realize that I need to somehow someway move forward, but damn walking up the stairs to pay the bills seems like climbing Mount Everest. I'm going to see a priest on Friday, and I feel like I'm going to start going to church on a regular basis. I feel like I need to give your soul an extra boost and I need to get myself together to finish building what we started. I want the world to know how amazing you are, how kind, how big your heart is. You need to leave a legacy baby. I hate this new normal of mine. Hanging out with my parents.. We could of been in bed right now talking about the millions of things we use to debate and laugh about, watching stupid tv shows. Talking about your work. Making plans for our home. Snuggled up on your chest. Baby you weren't perfect but you are perfect to me. I just want one more hug, one more kiss.. Five more minutes of your most abnoxiois jokes. I want you to play with our fur babies and let them lick your face. I know they miss that. I sure do. I feel kind of angry at you, that you're not here. That you left me all alone.. I don't know how to deal with this baby. One minute I'm crying, the next I'm angry, 3 minutes later I'm telling myself I can do this, and then I feel guilty and I go back to crying and missing that sweet face. I've felt all those emotions as I write this. Am I going crazy? Is this normal? I don't know anything anymore. I lubbs you my sweet booboo... I don't wanna do this on my own.. I sleep hugging your urn, on my parents couch and panic if for a second I place it anywhere away from where I can see it... I just don't know.. My chest hurts... And then I go back to "I got this" mode. Oh how I hate that. I can't even watch our tv shows.. I feel stupid that I even tried. I drive with no radio on because I'm scared a song might come on that will send me off the deep end. I ask once again, am I crazy? It doesn't feel like I miss you, it feels like a part of me is completely missing. Like there is a huge hole in my chest that makes me wanna puke.. So it's like one minute I miss those kisses and then I get scared that I don't remember what they feel like, then I'm scared that maybe I don't miss you, and then the pain in my chest comes in I wanna throw up and panic, and run into your arms. Run  on to our bed and have you come and try to tickle me.. Or walk into the bathroom and try to have a deep conversation while I take a bath.. I just don't know anymore. I don't know anything. All I know is that you are the love of my life, I love you and I want to be with you right now.

[Wheelerswife]

I just wanted you to know that you were heard.  I'm so sorry you lost your wonderful love way too soon.  Keep talking.  Sometimes this is the only place that feels safe to verbalize all that goes through our heads. 

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[Tatianakm]

I am so sorry that you had a reason to be here, Pauleena89. All the emotions, all of it, from anger to extreme sadness, from wanting to function to falling apart to pieces, from seeking company to wanting to crawl into a dark corner,- all of it is completely normal reaction to trauma of a sudden death of your beloved husband. Try not to think of the future just yet, just survive, eat or at least drink, allow people to help with the basics if they offer, ask for help if you need it. My sister stayed with me for the first a week and a half and I offered to move her in with me permanently, from France...I was so desperate to fill the void. I could not shower and she would force me to do so; I could not eat anything and she would force me to eat, she would brush my hair and force me to drive to do various necessary errands like getting death certificate and visiting social security office, estate attorney and pediatrician with my newborn daughter.

 

I also asked the same questions: did he know how much I am thankful for our life together, did he feel how much I loved him. I was so broken that I was constantly crying. One of the friends arranged for me to see a medium. I was skeptical, but went along with it. It was amazing, this was truly a turning point for me from a complete despair to some faint glimpses of hope. My husband came through and gave me the answers to all the questions I needed to know so badly, right down to why he had to die at this promising time of our lives. I know to some it might sound too far fetched, but it small private details, right down to the word that he invented to call our daughter's pacifier that does not exist in English language, were a validation for me that life goes on beyond death.

 

I am glad that you are considering going to church. I was never a religious person; it was not a part of the culture I grew up with, but one friend randomly bought a book for me to read, and it is not a light reading, called "The Shack" by Wm. Paul Young, it also helped me to start sorting out my feelings about God and unfairness of this world. When you are ready, find it and read it, it will help, I truly believe it.

 

And post here often, sometimes I just ramble on for the sake of having an outlet for my feelings and thoughts no one else can begin to relate in the outside of the widowhood world. I am so thankful I found this forum!

 

Tight hug. 

[Mizpah]

He is my entire world, how do I move forward when my world has ended. I've been hearing all week how young I am, how life will work out for me. Well I want our life.. 

 

This is all so sudden, we did not plan or prepare for this. Hell we never actually even considered it. I just need someone to understand, that I'm not getting over this anytime soon. I'm not interested in how my life will evaluating work out and I'll get married and forget. Because I will never forget. I am looking for a deeper meaning, i need to make sure that his legacy lives on.

 

Oh hon.  It was 5 years ago for me, and yet your post brings it rushing back.  My DH was also 28 (but I was 32).  Like you, it didn't even cross our minds that we wouldn't have decades of more time together.  People were also telling me I was so young and would "find someone."  (In my mind, I'd be like, "But I can't find HIM!!!!!  He's not here.  He's the only person in the world who is not here and he's the only one I want.")  I didn't want to move on either.  I didn't want time to pass, because I felt it divided us more. 

 

It's a strange thing because you can't bear the pain, and yet you don't want to feel better either.  It took me what I felt was a long time to feel better.  It was two years before I started to feel alive and like "myself" again, but there will always be a part of me that will never be the same/whole, in my opinion.  (I now have a daughter with a widower, so I did "find someone," but that is totally separate from losing DH and doesn't make what happened ok.)

 

I went to synagogue a lot after he died.  It gave me ritual - clinging to ritual really helped me.  I did many things to pay tribute to him, things that were particular to him and me, like having a plaque put on a bench in the park where we read and strolled and went jogging, planting a garden shaped like a heart in his honor, learning Hebrew (his native language), etc., etc.  It brought me comfort until I was ready to start rebuilding my own life and my own world again. 

 

I'm thinking of you.  I hope you'll find little moments of solace and comfort each day.

[Guest April]

My heart hurts for you and your husband.. so young :'(  Sometimes.. there just are no words but people will try to find them.. mean well.. they just hate to see you hurting.. I swore if I heard one more person say.. "I'm praying for you".. I was going to snap!!  At one time I did.. "I DON'T NEED PRAYERS!!  DON'T PRAY FOR ME!! FIX MY BABIES!!" 

 

One breath at a time.. Let yourself mourn him.. let yourself cry.. Time doesn't heal all things.. we just learn to live with our scars.. In time you will find a way to make his legacy live on. 

 

At this stage... setting up collages for the funeral.. going through pictures helped me.. made me cry more.. but also made me smile at some of our memories.

 

Try to take care of yourself <3

[Pauleena89]

There have been bad days and less bad days because I don't think I'll be seeing a good day in a while. As bad as I want to talk about how much I miss my sweet husband, I have to face some tough decisions. I wanted to reach out and get some support or opinions. As I mentioned earlier on my husband is only 28 years old. I am unsure if I mentioned that I'm 26, we bought a house 5 weeks before his sudden death. Now the issue at hand, there was no life insurance.. Hell we didn't think about getting life insurance until we had kids.. And to everyone's surprise I am not one bit upset that we didn't have life insurance.. Not many 20 something year olds do. Now, my husband was the bread winner of the family, he had the house necessary income. I started a business 10 months ago and have been slowly making progress. I am in a situation where I have to figure out if I'd like to foreclose on the house or keep it. One day I want to just say screw it and let the house foreclose and others I realize I am a fighter, I cannot walk away from our dream. This house, the business, it was OUR dream. He believed in me, supported me, encouraged me. I can't just give up. My husband is the only one on the mortgage, that way if I foreclose I am technically walking away with no debt no impact on my credit.. But again.. I don't wanna run. Yes 3000 sq feet of house is a lot for me and our two dogs, but it was also much more than we needed and yet we made the decision to buy this home. It wasn't our forever home.. But it was going to be our start a family home. In a beautiful community, with amazing neighbors (yes they are amazing) with room to grow. And now it's just me, all alone. Sad, very very sad, mopy, his pictures on the fire place right next to the urn. And I have no clue what I am going to do. Again, I am not one to run from problems. I was the problem solver, the account, the positive one in our marriage and relationship. The one who always said that things will work out, and they always did. Except for this time. , so what do I do?! Do I stay and fight.. Or do I run? I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, with no real support. My parents want me to foreclose or sell.. I'm not selling.. Where will I go with two dogs? Back to my parents? They said I can come back but without our babies and well that's not happening. And sadly odds are that if I sell I won't even break even. I don't wanna rent the place out bc I do not want to move his things, they need to stay in place. So my options are foreclose and stay here for 18 to 24 months or stay and figure out this mortgage on my own..

 

Baby, I just want some guidance. A sign. Anything to lead me in the right direction. I love you and miss you so much that there are no words to describe the pain.. I sit there and out of nowhere cry, then worry, miss you and cry some more.. I love you and you're not here. I don't want any of this without you and yet I hold on to some crazy thought that you'd want me to fight for what we accomplished. I am so lost with out you bubus.. I just want a sign.. Anything.. I just want one more hug, one more hour and one more kiss. I miss you baby. Please come back.

 

 

 

[canadiangirl]

Just wanted to say so sorry for the loss of your Karl.  At 26, you are an adult, your decisions must be your own, no matter how well-meaning anyone else in your life is.  This is a vulnerable time in your life right now, easy to be swayed by others when that is the less overwhelming path - more important than ever to really try to think things through rationally and come up with what works for you and remains feasible.  Wishing you the best.

[Laurat679]

I feel the same way as you...it has been 4 days since the funeral and I just feel like I'm stuck in this nightmare being tortured.  I want to hate him for leaving when he wasn't suppose to till at least 70.  I also have to move asap!  We recently relocated and rented a place till we decided where we wanted to be so,luckily we hadn't bought a place yet but he was the money maker. I stopped working a couple years ago when we started moving for his job.  It just freaking sucks!  Like you can't deal with losing him first before figuring out where to live. 

[Pauleena89]

I feel the same way as you...it has been 4 days since the funeral and I just feel like I'm stuck in this nightmare being tortured.  I want to hate him for leaving when he wasn't suppose to till at least 70.  I also have to move asap!  We recently relocated and rented a place till we decided where we wanted to be so,luckily we hadn't bought a place yet but he was the money maker. I stopped working a couple years ago when we started moving for his job.  It just freaking sucks!  Like you can't deal with losing him first before figuring out where to live.

 

I'm so sorry for your loss, I know saying that means absolutely nothing. I've heard it so many time that I want to stab people, and I am not a mean person. Plus I also have the feeling I come off completely rude to people. I hope that you some how figure things out, since it looks like we are in the same boat. I have not been angry at him yet though, I keep seeing him laughing and acting goofy in my head over and over and I just can't get mad at all that sweetness . I do know the anger will come, I've had a lot of drama with his family and that's where my anger has focused. If you ever need to talk I'm here, I know I can't help but I can guarantee I will understand. This moving thing is so horrible, I do not want to move, I do not want to pack his stuff or even move it anywhere other than where he left it or liked it. It's just so much financially for one person that I don't know if I can do this. But I feel like he's in my head saying baby you got this. And I don't want to let him down. I don't wanna let us down. I never in a million years thought this would happen, we always planned forever plus infinity and beyond, kids this business we started we were a team. Again, if you just need to talk I'm here and I check this thing religiously.. Gets my mind a little off the extreme sadness. Just keep thinking that he's watching over you, I thanked Karl today for helping me fix the vacuum. Looked up at the sky and smiled.

[Pauleena89]

It's been a few days since I've written anything. I don't know what I feel anymore. Empty? The world empty comes to mind. I've found a job, actually two jobs so I will be doing both.. And running our business. Yes, that's crazy. I went to see a therapist again, she told me that in moments of crisis people tend to go back to their baseline. It makes sense, I was a workaholic prior to moving in with Karl, my career consumed my life and I was very good at what I did. That's my baseline, work, keep house, pay bills. I feel like this is auto pilot.. Then come the sudden moments where I burst out crying, especially when driving. I feel like I try so hard not to think that he's gone, that I my head I'm starting to believe if I do everything right and keep this house he will come back, somehow walk through the door and kiss me and hug me one more time. Oh how I miss that man, the pain, the pure emptiness is just unreal. I keep thinking of his smile, his hugs, the way he smelled, the clothes he wore... I can't even write anymore.. Baby, you're my life. I miss you. I love you. I need you.

[sandrine2279]

Hello Pauleena89,

 

I feel the same everyday .. that if I'm strong and wait for him doing everything OK (maybe even making the room for his dvd collection at home his was supposed to do)... he will come back.

and I like to believe it.

my best friends tells me if I don't accept the loss I won't come over it (by the way, easy to tell when you're not even really happy with your longtime  boyfriend and have no projects together)..... but the fact is I don't wanna get out of it most of time. I want  him.

 

hugs

 

[Guest jonesandjenn19781979]

I sit and cry on a daily basis. I ask why all day long. I go through the guilt and replay the nightmare. It's never-ending at this point. I too agree that I don't care what becomes of my future. He was my future. I'm 36 and he was 37. I'm old enough to know that I've been married and had kids and then divorced and Clint was my new life. We had our lives mapped out together. I could care less about finding anyone else and it's the furthest thing from my mind. It makes me sick to think of anyone else standing beside me other than Clint. I'm "young" but "old." I'm set in my ways and there is no moving on from Clint. It hasn't even been 2 1/2 months and the days seem so long and seem to go so slowly now. It is heart wrenching and I know how you feel. His family has been so gracious to me and my girls. They accepted us with open arms. They have been the only people I can be around and feel "ok" but not "ok." None of us are okay but when we are around each other our grief is the same and we don't have to hide it whereas in the world around us, normal people don't understand. They cannot comprehend loss so they expect us to be the same when we can never be the same. We can't go back to who we were. I wish, a million times over, that I could go back and fix things and continue my blissful ignorance. I will live this for the rest of my days. I wish I had more people around where I live to understand me and my grief. It's so lonely when you only have your own mind and nobody to lean on.

[Pauleena89]

It's been almost two months since I've posted here. You can say I locked myself inside myself and have decided to push away all emotion and replace it with work.

 

That only worked for a few weeks. What I have learned about myself is that I put up an amazing front. My whole family and everyone around me simply doesn't give a sh*t anymore and ignores the subject. You can say that I've passed onto anger. I am angry with everyone, I am a dry with my family and friends for making me feel like I should have gotten over it by now. Nowadays all my mom talks about is my dad and his sadness over arguing with his sister, my dad? He hasn't called me once to ask me how I feel. And my in laws, well I haven't heard from them in over two months. But then again, my sweet husband and I didn't keep in contact with the over the last three years.

 

So here I am, all alone with two dogs. My babies, OUR babies. It's harder to get out of bed and extremely hard to listen to other people's stupid problems. And yes I call them stupid because everything but death is fixable so being short on rent or arguing with your sister is a stupid problem. I have never felt this alone, and it's like I've actually asked my mom for help, I've reached out to my family and I got nothing back. I am not even exaggerating, my cousin who is like my brother stopped by twice and his gf and him spent the whole time on their phones, my best friend well she talks about is booking up with guys and how he'd dating is, my mom she's too stuck on my dad and his butt hurtness and my dad well he's too busy being himself and feeling bad for himself. I know I might get some backlash for this, but I am just so angry. Everyone acts like we're all supposed to be passed it like I'm really ok. Like how can I reach out to my family and tell them that I can't handle it and not get any kind of response. Nothing. Is everyone really that self absorbed? Am I crazy? All I hear everyone say is how strong I am, how well I am dealing with this, how my family members couldn't be this put together.

 

ALL I WANNA DO IS STAND ON TOP OF A ROOFTOP AND YELL THAT I AM NOT WELL PUT TOGETHER. I AM NOT STRONG, I AM SURVIVING THAT IS ALL I AM DOING. I AM NOT OK.

 

With each day I miss him more, with each day I realize he's not home waiting for me, he's not telling me I'm beautiful, he's not going to call me and make me laugh, he hasn't sent me any stupid selfies or videos of him laughing, he hasn't come home to me and told me about his day, our puppies haven't seen their daddy, I would give the world for an explation why this is happening and one kiss, one last kiss. I would give up my life for him to have his. I don't know what else to say. I'm just sad, angry and alone in a room full of people who are ignoring me. That's all.

 

I miss you Kochanie ❤️ You are my life ❤️ I love you ❤️