Guys, friends and questions

[imissdow]

I've been dating s for about 4 months now. He used to work nights and lives around 45 mins from me. This means we typically would see each other on the weekend never during the week. 2 weeks ago he started a new job working days and we have managed to see each other more.  I have never been to his house or met any of his friends . He hasn't met any of my friends or been  to my house. Typically we meet about half way between us in a mid sized town with a nice selection of restaurants and such. He always picks up the bill and the one time I actually did grab it he kindly let me know that he was responsible and I would I please not do that again.

I've invited him down to my house several times in the last month or so. I was headed to a large city about 2 hours away a couple weekends ago and asked him to join us for the day,meet my sister and spend some time getting to know my girls. Every time he came up with some sort of excuse. I don't doubt that some were legit. So I called him on this the other day. Asked him what was up and if he didn't want to be a part of my life I would walk away.  He tells me he has  anxiety problems. He tried to drive down to surprise me one day and got about 2 miles from where he wanted to go and had a panic attack. He turned around and went home.  He had mentioned once about trying to go to his cousins house for a holiday bbq and never making it because of this.  My girls and I have a dance recital this weekend. He tells me he's going to try to come.  I am headed up his way today to go to a soccer game and hopefully meet his daughter, granddaughter and possibly more of his family.

 

So I'm wondering how much of all of this I should actually buy into. He's a great guy we talk and enjoy each other's company. However it does make things difficult if he can't come down to my area. Kind of makes me wonder how far this can go. I enjoy dating him but really am looking for something a little more permanent and commited then that. I asked a couple friends. One suggested he was lying, another told me he should have told me sooner, a third totally understood but didn't really have any ideas for me.

So I usually get interesting thoughts from the most diverse group of friends I know,all of you. Thoughts?

[Mrskro]

imissdow;

 

Anxiety is so difficult to deal with, by the people that have it and the people around them.  He could be lying but I doubt it, anxiety isn't exactly a go to excuse people use.  Yes, he could have told you sooner but speaking as someone that has anxiety and is an interovert, it's not an easy thing to talk about. 

 

Unfortunately, from your side IMO, there is only so much you can do.  You're initial converstation was a great start.  It sounds like he wants to try but hasn't been able to actually follow through.  Maybe another converstation about what he thinks he can deal with.

 

For me, an entire day with your sister and girls would be too hard, my mind would go to all the akward things that could happen, horrible silences all day, etc etc and I would panic and bail too.  And if I did go, then the next day my mind would go into overdrive, what if they didn't like me, what if I made an ass of myself.  Some outtings take me days to recover from.

 

If he's willing, a shorter smaller first meeting might be better, ice cream with the girls.  Maybe coffee with your sister.  See if that would help?  Everyone is different. 

 

My could be NG has anxiety as well, he actually went to college with my best friends husband and knows most of my friends.  He still can't come to large parties with too many of us, but we are up to gatherings of up to 3 other couples now.  And he knows these people.

 

I wish you luck, I know its a difficult thing.

[Trying]

I would say listen to your gut about this guy.  If your gut says he is a good and honest man then take his word that his anxiety is the issue.  Continue to talk with him and find out what he thinks would be the best way to gradually meet your family and friends and integrate your worlds.

 

If your gut is making you question his honesty and you have a feeling that something else is going on then I would dig a little deeper.

 

I have some social anxiety, it is not severe and I can manage most situations though not always comfortably.  There have been times when I let it get the better of me and I bail on things so I can see if someone suffers more severely than I do that it can really interfere.

 

Good luck moving forward.

[Guest TooSoon]

Hi imissdow, 

 

It is hard to weigh in not knowing this person or his history but even being a really social person myself, I have found some situations very, very difficult to deal with as my relationship with adp has evolved.  Kept contained (ie. just us or just us and the kids) I'm fine, but in other contexts, I have struggled with anxiety and fear (of what I am not sure).  I agree with Mrskro, maybe try to engineer situations to incrementally build up to "big" encounters.  I had a full on breakdown when I went with adp to his professional conference.  I wasn't prepared for that kind of intensity and being in a new role.  It wasn't his fault or mine.  It was just too much; too many unknowns and it took me by surprise and that was not a pretty scene. 

 

It sounds like you trust him and you like him.  I'd lean on benefit of the doubt for now but watch the signs. 

 

 

[Portside]

Kind of makes me wonder how far this can go.

 

I think he is showing you how far the relationship can go by his actions.

 

If you want more from him, be prepared for a long period for him to get over whatever issue(s) he has. 

 

Good luck - Mike

[daysofelijah]

4 months seems like a short time, maybe I'd give it another few months before pressing family introductions and meeting the kids? Take the summer to keep meeting and getting to know each other, and when fall comes move things forward if he is ready. But if you feel like you need more from him sooner than that and he can't give it then maybe it's not the right fit.

 

By what you say I think he is being honest about the anxiety. Maybe he just needs to move a little slower, but then again if it's really bad and this is as much as he can do I understand not wanting to wait around and feel like you are wasting your time on something that will never progress.

[Quixote]

Yeah, most guys wouldn't cop to anxiety unless it was a real issue.  It's not really right, but social norms don't allow for men to admit to emotional weaknesses.  Heck, I'd say the fact he's willing to talk to you about it means he trusts you enough to be open. 

[StillWidowed]

I had a "relationship" with a guy that said he had anxiety as well.  He wouldn't attend a lot of social situations with me either.  It led to a lot of hurt feelings (on my end of course), and arguments.  I also thought he just needed time to acclimate.  Introduce situations slowly to him, right?  Wrong.  In the end, he still had anxiety issues (along with being emotionally unavailable, maybe the two go hand in hand?) and all it ever resulted in was a waste of my time.  Eyes wide open and listen to your gut.

[Taurus]

Widen your dating catchment area and move on. Why would you want to take on someone else's package? If he's got "anxiety" issues, tell him to go see a shrink. It's your life...live it.

[jeff1973]

 

 

 

Ummmm,  I have to agree with Taurus on this one.

 

Love conquers and overpowers all fears.

 

Love conquers distance.

 

Love conquers handicaps.

 

Love conquers everything.

 

Love will not allow anything to stand in between two people "meant" to be together.

 

Maybe it's time to move onto someone physically and emotionally available.

 

Good Luck to you,, Jeff1973

[imissdow]

When I frist read some of the responses to my post I honestly got slightly angry. After all I never said s was emotionally unavailable and I was slightly miffed be be told to just dump him and move on.  Then I got thinking.  He didn't make it to our recital last weekend. Got farther then last time but still didn't make it. He was upset as was I.  Had lunch with him on the spur of the moment on weds. Talked some didn't really make any plans for the weekend. Came home , spent the evening with 2 of my 3 girls sitting on the couch watching a video I've seen 20 times. Realized that if I contuine to date s this is what I could expect. Him at his house me at mine never the two should mix. Didn't like that.  Called him Thursday morning told him I was done. He was actually pretty cool about it. Deleted his number from my phone haven't heard from him sense, don't expect to actually. I probally would have dragged this out a few more months. You all saved me some heartache. Thank you.

[Trying]

I am so sorry he has responded this way. I can tell you that it's better to know now and blah blah blah but it really just sucks that he is not able to be what you deserve. I'm sorry that you risked opening yourself up but I do believe there is someone worthy out there for you.

[Taurus]

...He was actually pretty cool about it...

Sounds like he was ready to do it to you but didn't have the fortitude to do it. You've taken the hard step...you'll know when you've met the one you deserve.

 

Good luck and be staunch.

[Captains wife]

It's tough to meet someone you like, then realize for certain reasons it's not working, then have to try and meet someone new. But good for you that you realized early on that you weren't getting what you wanted out of the relationship and had the fortitude to break things off and move on. Wishing you all the best and s better match!

[StillWidowed]

The key here is that it saved you more time and heartache.  Like you, I gave the guy I was dating the benefit of the doubt.  And in the end, he still couldn't give me what I needed.  I'm much more aware of the signs now.  In fact, even met a man that seemed very interested, but in the end never contacted me.  Before I would have given him the benefit of the doubt.  Now I will be cordial when I see him again and simply move on.  I want to be with a man that can't wait to see me.  Wants to talk to me on a regular basis. One that will love, value and cherish me.  Not one that wants to see me last minute or when it's convenient for him. Dating after loss is hard.  Very hard.  But never settle.  Wait for the one that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.