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Panic.


Guest TooSoon
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Guest TooSoon

OK, I am in a state of utter panic.  Some of this is hormones, some of it is exhaustion but, though I recognize that, I have to get this out. 

 

Without going into specifics, we are weeks away from finally getting to the place we have been trying to get to: being together.  We just spent 2 weeks traveling with our daughters and it was truly great.  I'm set to go to England one more time this weekend for ten days and then they are to come here in September. 

 

This is what I want.  I want it more than anything.  But I keep freaking out.  I am so scared of the leap into the unknown that I flip out and panic (which I did spectacularly yesterday).  For so long - so so long - I have had to maintain control over things that were wildly out of control and when I feel like I am not in control, I melt down.  Why does this happen?  What am I scared of when I know in my core that we are better together than we are apart?  I feel like I no longer have the ability to believe anything is actually going to work out, that anything is lasting.  I want that back, damn it. 

 

This might not make any sense but I just needed to try to articulate it. 

 

 

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From another spectacular panicker, I second Trying

 

Breathe!  You've got this.  I'd love to know why I react this way too, but I believe you already said it.  Fear of the unknown and control.

 

Send hugs and good thoughts!

 

 

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I remember the decision to make a significant life change by leaving my job and selling my house and moving half way across the country to be with my polarbear.  It was scary, yet exciting, full of hope, yet also full of uncertainty.  Our love was young - very young - but intense, and we wanted so badly to be together.  It was the love and respect that we had for each other that brought us both through the transition.  I know your love is strong and you have the utmost respect for each other.  Settling into life together will help smooth out the roller coaster you have been on.  You may have some mountains to climb yet, but you can take them together and have the comfort of each others presence to manage the challenges you might face.

 

Hang on, my friend.  Hang on.

 

XO,

 

Maureen

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For so long - so so long - I have had to maintain control over things that were wildly out of control and when I feel like I am not in control, I melt down. 

 

Part of it is probably simply impending huge change, even if for the better.  But part of it is this (above), in my opinion/experience.  You're used to being the only one in the front seat.  You'll now have a co-pilot, another adult in the house/decision-making position.  It's a relief, but it's also a big adjustment.  It's relinquishing 100% control.

 

About 2 1/2 years ago, I did the huge change thing.  He drove down to the City to pack all my stuff into his truck.  On the drive to his home (my new home), he was excited.  I was terrified.  I'm a worrier/panicker, etc.  It's taken away a lot of happiness from me over the past couple years.  I don't think anyone can really learn from other people's mistakes, and I'm not saying you'll react like I did, but I hope you let yourself have a huge full-on panic right now, and then leave it behind and ENJOY.  We've had enough suffering and difficulty.  That being said, if you find yourself feeling crazy, I get it!  We get it.  Let it out.   

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I think many of us have spent the first few years following widowhood (and in your case some time before) in this survival mode, that's very much fight or flight. When that falls away, it's jolting. Sort of like when your muscles are clenched for some time, when you finally relax, there's some pain. Because the adrenaline that was shielding you from the effects of the stress on the muscle falls away. It's kind of an after shock. I think that can happen emotionally too. So maybe it's as much a response to the stress of being apart as it is stress over the future.

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Guest TooSoon

Thank you for all of these responses; they have helped me so much.  It is scary to feel vulnerable, there's just no two ways about it.  One would think after all that has happened, nothing would scare me, but somewhere along the line, I became this very different person than the one I used to be.  Right now, I just want to take it all back and start over.  I feel like I handled this particular issue (cause of freak out) very, very poorly and for the first time ever, I am worried that I went too far and that I hurt the person I love the most.  The only thing worse than the freaking out itself is the self-loathing that inevitably comes with the realization that I fucked up royally.  Ugh.   

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Hugs.  IMHO (and non-professional opinion), it's the result of trauma.  It's normal. Trauma has robbed me of resilience.  Small and big, things that I used to be able to go with, overwhelm me.  It happens.  Totally agree with MrsD that it's hard to get out of survival mode, but you got this.  Things are going to be great.  I am very happy for you that there is finally resolution. 

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I freak out all the time. Usally when I would think I shouldn't. First date with a guy I really like, no problem. So guy tells me he wants to keep seeing me and I loose it. Even as this is really what I want. Sold my house no problem. Can't find a book yup, freak out again. I think I do well with the big stuff because I expect it to be hard. The the other stuff I don't expect to be hard so it throws me for a loop. Trama reduces our ability to brush things off. Hold on ride the wave you will make it.

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