There it is

[Guest Justme2]

Mike (?) Don't want to sound heartless but you said yourself it was a long time casual situation. You wanted something more. She obviously didn't. Many people out there who don't want a relationship, fact of today's dating. You can either wait under a rock, hoping that she'll come begging back, and then what ? The animosity of why did you post those things, who were you sleeping with, and then there's still no guarantee, of anything. Point in view, would you really want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. Will the hurt turn to ultimate happiness, and then everything would be great?

[mikeeh]

Yes, Justme.  I think that is what I am starting to realize.  That after all that has happened and all that has been said, and not said could I accept and trust her if she were to take me back?

 

yes it did start as a long term casual situation.  But it seemed like the feeling we both had took us both by surprise and it made me think the expectations were changing.  That she seemed to love me and need me, and have such wonderful things to say to me that I thought her expectations were changing.  The only reason I expected more was because I thought I was getting more.  I thought it was safe to love because I was being loved. 

 

That is my latest source of grief, and maybe my last?  That I am now realizing that it is completely and totally over.  Even to the point that I don't know if I will be able to or want to reach out to her in 60 days when our 90 day no contact period is over  I am sure that is what she was hoping for when we agreed to it. 

[Guest Justme2]

The no contact is a teenagers game. Take your losses and live your life.

[mikeeh]

Yes, Justme2,  It think that is the place I am at.  That it is time to give up, accept my losses.  That must be what this empty, abandoned feeling is that I have had all day.  If you can call it a feeling.  More a lack of feeling.  Just empty nothingness.

 

[sikeuritgadeun]

mikeeh,  I know your going through a real soul hurt.  It hurts so deep inside.  Try to keep yourself busy. Keep your mind occupied with something else.  I know it is easy to say don't keep dwelling on this.  As time goes by things will feel better for you.  It will take time. Try to focus on yourself instead of her.  Be kind to yourself.

 

 

[Captains wife]

Mikeeh - I am also rooting for you. It does hurt and moving on ISNT EASY, even if the situation wasn't right necessarily. I will tell you this - I felt 100% better once my ex was out of my space and head (my grief therapist noticed it too). I wrote down everything that was wrong in our relationship (at the end) and that really stuck with me. Gone was the roller coaster ride and anxiety. It just took time and working through the pain and loss. In my case, he is slightly in my space again (as a friend, 9 months after we broke up) and honestly I am not 100% sure it was a great idea letting him back in my space (but we kept running into each other as we work near each other). I wish you all the best and a better match for you. Agreed on the keeping busy - it really helped me as I was healing...so did exercise.

[sikeuritgadeun]

How are you doing mikeeh?  Are you feeling any better?  Thinking of you this morning.  I hope things are looking brighter for you. 

[mikeeh]

Hey Sike,

 

Thanks for checking in, thanks for asking.

 

I guess I am doing better.  A little.  Most of the pain has been replaced with just emptiness and loneliness. Back to what my life was before I met her.  Except this time I know what I am missing and what I have lost.

 

Work is getting worse and worse, and that is maybe a lot of what cost me her in the first place.  I half by accident went back and read some of our emails from months ago, in the heart of our relationship.  All I was doing was complaining about work.  And now it is even worse.

 

I was a hairs breadth away from just walking in and quitting a week ago.  But I guess I am too responsible to just go with no known income base.

 

In times of pressure when work really sucks then I miss her more because I don't have anybody to help me cope with work. 

 

I am an some dating sites and trying to meet people.  And when I am looking for someone or talking to someone it abates a little.  But when it falls through, as it has inevitably done, then missing her all comes crashing right back on me. 

 

I don't want to keep missing her.  Ideally it would be because I have her back, but I know that won't happen.  And deep down I don't think I could ever trust her or be comfortable with her if we were together.  But knowing something intellectually and  knowing it with your heart are two different things.

[cathyr]

Mikeeh, please just attempt to get together with friends or a meet-up organization to get you out of the routine of missing her.  I hate to say it,  but you are allowing her to have all this energy over you, ....you have to put yourself as your #1 priority now.

 

To look into dating sites and jump into a new romantic relationship to fill the void is, in my opinion, the most damaging thing you can do to yourself and others at this point.  You need to heal yourself and be happy with just being.  I know this is hard to do.  We have all been there, believe me!  Please take the time to heal instead of venturing into something new until your are whole again.  Find things that mean something to you, even if it is putting yourself in an area of helping others.  Sometimes taking the focus off oneself, really clarifies things, even temporarily.  You will be okay!  Hang in there!

[mikeeh]

You may be right Cathy.

 

The problem is I have no friends.  And work is so damn overwhelming that I barely have time to do anything other than work.  If it isn't long hours at work it is bringing home the laptop and doing more work at home.  I would like to do some meetup groups but having the time to do it or finding groups to join is hard for me.

 

I can never put myself first.  Having someone in my life would be putting myself first.   

 

If I wait until I am healthy or whole I will never be ready to look for someone. 

[Max2507]

I am sorry you are in such a low spot right now. I have read this thread from time to time and honestly have refrained from posting. But from one lonely, hurting person to another this person is a toxic nutjob. She said your wife sent her your way to open your heart again? Oh and then leave you devastated with a 90 day no contact period. I call that bullshit, manipulative, narcissistic and cruel. Its so hard not to believe stupid shit when you are vulnerable and want to believe. I urge you to talk to a therapist. Its so hard not to have someone in your life to talk to and maybe that would help. If you can't do that is there a nursing home you could volunteer at? People with dementia will listen for free and not judge or remember what you said. Some elderly are starving for someone to talk to and have a life time of experience.

 

You can become healthy and whole. Its only then can you find a healthy and whole person to be in a healthy relationship with. Explore who you are, what you want to do. What did you enjoy as a child or young adult? Exercise, yoga something physical that you have on your calendar and you just go to whether you want to or not. If your job is so horrible and its just not a scapegoat for unhappiness in your life start planning and implementing your exit strategy. Are you doing work at home because its required or because you are lonely and don't have something else to do? Getting outside into nature helps, see the changing leaves, pick some apples, get one of the special lamps for the winter for the darker days. Get tickets to a concert you want to see or a football game or road trip to see the biggest ball of twine, what ever you want so you have something YOU want to do on your calendar that YOU are looking forward to doing.

 

 

[Bunny]

I've been reading this quietly for 6 pages, and even though it doesn't feel like it, you're sounding better now than you did on page 1. You're making progress in the tiniest of baby steps, you really are. You've gotten some great advice here, so I won't add my own, but I understand when you're depressed it feels impossible to implement any of these things. It all feels so hopeless and forever.

 

Okay- I lied- here's my advice: please do one small kindness for yourself every day. Like you would for anyone else who you saw in pain and in need of kindness. Doesn't matter how insignificant, just one kindness to yourself alone. Every day. Even if it's just a mini pep talk in front of the mirror. When you find yourself thinking a negative thought, force yourself to counter it with something positive also. With time and practice you can slowly expand on these tiny acts/thoughts. They become your new habits.

 

I really do appreciate you being so vulnerable in such a public way. It's a gift, really- so many people just do the whole 'suck it up buttercup' without ever allowing themselves to show any weakness. They think that shows how strong they are. But being able and open to expressing one's feelings also requires a certain strength. Hang in there! You can do it. You are doing it.

[Guest nonesuch]

Have you contacted your local animal shelter?  Our shelter has a large wooded area to walk dogs.  The dogs need exercise, socializing, and I think some volunteers even train the dogs on basic commands.  And YOU can get exercise and socializing, too. 

[mikeeh]

I love that idea so much Bunny, that one little kindness for myself every day.  To me getting out of bed it about the kindest I can be to myself.

 

I don't want to sound too much like a Gallahad here defending her but I do want to be fair.  And just to be fair I don't think she is as bad as maybe the impression I have given of her.  Most of the torture that has happened has been self inflicted.  Yes she posted the missed connection on CL, but I went looking for it.  Yes, she posts general new age live better saying on her FB in a way that I can see it,  but I go to her FB to see what I can see.

can't blame her too much for the postings she did after the breakup.  I don't think she honestly knows what is best for me or how she can help me.  And I honestly don't know either.  She knows I am dying to know that she still misses me, still loves me.  Even though she knows it is only distance that will eventually help me, she also knows how much I needed to, still need to know that she misses me.

 

She was just trying to reassure me that yes, her feelings were real, still are real, or were as of a month ago.  That our time together was not a lie or a game she was playing on me or just using me.  She was just doing the best to reassure me without trying to make me think there was hope for more.

 

As far as the 90 days goes, that was as much at my suggestion that she jumped at.  It was idea I got from this board, and someone else on it.  I think it was her giving me a goal,  a way to get me to accept the idea of not contacting her without me having to deal with the idea that it was forever.  Again, she was as lost as I was in how to do this.  As she said, usually when a couple breaks up the love is gone, the feelings are gone.  But our feelings are still there. At least they are still for me.  They were for her when she ended it,and for a time thereafter.  I am sure she is hoping that I will come to the conclusion that I cannot and will not be able to contact her at the end of the 90 days.  It was just something she did for me to not have to deal with forever right away.  Even now as I am coming to realize it will be forever it is still hard to grasp that.

 

Early in our time together when we were still thinking this would be light, an casual, and the temporary nature of it was still a big piece of the relationship we knew we would always want to be friends.  We knew that even when one of us or the other found our "forever" person we would still be friends.  And if our forever person wasn't okay with our friendship then they weren't our forever person. 

 

Now, I can't even talk to her.  I can't be friends with her, spend time with her.  I can't see her or talk to her.

 

Yes it is fading.  The pain is become more of a constant dull ache that spikes on occasion instead of the constant rending of the heart in my chest.  But that just means that the love I enjoyed is becoming less of a memory.  Now I doubt if it was ever there, and if I ever had it.  And even if I can accept it was real the memory of it is fading so fast that it is becoming a myth and not a memory.

 

I am weaning myself from her FB, but due to one thing or another I checked it the other day and realized that she had just changed her profile picture.  I posted another CL ad to her to say something, ok apologize to her for what I put her through when we were together.  I asked for a sign if she saw the ad.  I got a cryptic response that I couldn't tell was her or not.  I check her FB and she had changed her profile picture from a picture I took of her during our sunset picnic dinner at the lake, to one of her walking away from the camera in the dusk.  The last break of her with me. 

 

She is done.  Over me and moved on with life.  I am maybe at best a pleasant memory to her.

 

I wish I could do the same.

[azjane]

Checking on you. How are you doing?

[mikeeh]

Thanks for checking AZ. 

 

If feeling nothing is better than the pain I was feeling before then I guess I am doing better.  Now I just feel empty, hollow, lobotomized, lonely and alone. 

 

The tears have stopped, for the most part.  I don't think of her as much as I use to. 

 

I had placed another missed connection post after a very bad day at work.  She saw it and wrote to me basically asking me to stop posting them.  That we will never be what we were and probably neither of us will be satisfied with any form a relationship we might have after the 90 days will be allowed to take.

She wrote that she can't care about me anymore or worry about what I do with my life. 

 

About a week ago would have been our anniversary.  Both the day we first started to write to each other and a week later for the day we actually met in person for the first time was in the last week or so.  Both of those days passed with no acknowledgement from her in any way.  Probably the smart thing to do but hard on me to accept that she is completely done with me and would prefer I not be in her life at all. 

 

Part of the numbness the shock of realization that she just doesn't care anymore.  That she can just purge me from her life like that.  Part of it is the new antidepressant I have started on. 

 

I am not in as much pain as I was in before.  I may not be as sad as I was before but I am not happy.  Just not as sad.  So I guess technically I am doing better.

 

Thanks for asking.

[azjane]

I'm glad you checked in and I wish you continued healing. One day at a time...

[Captains wife]

It will continue to get better. Wishing you all the best mikeeh. I know how much this process can hurt - and those responses must have hurt : (

[mikeeh]

Hello All,

I thought I would update the situation since it has been awhile. 

 

First I do want to thank you all for our advice, concern, tolerance and help.

 

I would have to say I am doing better.  It may be time or it may be the anti-depressants I am on but I am doing fine. 

 

There has been some recent turmoil that would have destroyed me just a few months ago and now there was nary a tear.  A certain sense of sadness and renewed sense of loss but no tears.

 

She texted me on election night.  I am really into politics and very liberal so election day wasn't a great day for me.  Not that I was that upset about it, a Hobsons choice between two bad options.  It just so happens the worst one won.  But I wasn't that upset.  She texted I guess because she was concerned that I was upset.  Actually I think she just wanted to talk politics with someone and I was the only one she knew who followed it enough to be able to talk about it.  That upset me coming out of the blue.  Then she texted again in the morning.  The 90 days weren't up but she wanted to talk about politics.  We agreed it was close enough to the 90 days unless she wanted to do a reset. Which I would have been good with actually.  She said no reset and maybe we should get together and talk.  I told her I wasn't ready yet.

 

Then the 90 days ended.  I wasn't going to reach out because I was not ready.  She wrote that evening.  She said the 90 days is up, that she missed my friendship, that she is there are willing to talk whenever I am ready.  I said thanks but need time.

 

I didn't know if she was so anxious to meet because she really did miss me or if she wanted to finish this completely with a meeting that resulted in her decision that we couldn't be friends.  Another face to face knife in the heart.

 

Out of curiosity, and because I do anyways I kept my eye on the missed connections.  About a week ago there was one that showed up that sounded like it could have been her but not as obvious as the other one. She posted an ad talking about how much she missed me.  She is with another guy and he might not be smart enough for her.  She talks to him about the connection we had  How she doesn't think she will ever find that again.  That this guy is okay, he is familiar, comfortable, easy.  But she doesn't like easy.  She sounded very bothered still even though the random connections we made she talked about how good she was doing.

 

When I knew it was her I wrote again  Saying we needed to talk.  That I am not sure if I could do it but if this is still bothering you so much maybe it was the wrong decision.

 

She wrote back to me.  Another nasty, vicious, how many times do I have to tell you why it ended and that we cannot be that again.  That the whole post was about missing your friendship.  It is obvious that I have made no progress on my part in getting over her.  That we are done.  We cannot be friends (I knew that 2 months ago), that I can either love her or hate her and neither are conducive to friendship.  So we are done.  She was more vicious I am sure in an attempt to get me mad enough to hate her and be mad at her so I would get over her.  It worked

 

When I wrote I asked her to not reply that night.  To wait and think about it and not reply until tomorrow.  She said she would.  Then I got up at 12:05 to go to the bathroom and checked my mail.  She replied at 12:01.  Technically tomorrow but obviously no thought.

 

Well it worked and I got mad.  I turned around and sent her the angry email that has been building up for 4 months.  Then after a night of little or no sleep I sent another one in the morning for all the things I forgot in my haste the night before.  Yes I did include the hubris of someone telling a widower that I have to hurt you to get you to grow.  Like a widower has known no pain, no hurt.

 

That was right before Thanksgiving.  The start of the holiday season.  The holiday season that starts with the anniversary of my Mother's death the day before Thanksgiving, and will include in the next month my birthday, our anniversary, christmas, and New Years, where we actually had a family tradition.

 

The day after Thanksgiving I got a box and sent back some of the more personal stuff she had given me.  I included a note that was pretty conciliatory.  Told her that I don't see a day when these  items would give me any comfort or recall any pleasant memories.  I told her I wasn't ready then she is surprised that I am not ready.  I asked if she would hold onto them for me and give them back to me if or when the day comes I am ready .  I said  I didn't mean most of what I wrote and I have to believe that she didn't mean what she said either, at least not in that tone.  That I was sure it hurt her more to write it than it did me to read it.  I asked if it would be okay to reach out if I ever decide I am ready.  That if I don't hear anything then that will be my answer, no.

 

I have deleted her contact on my phone.  The text history on my phone and the face book message chain we exchanged.  Which breaks my link to her facebook page which I had already not been going to.  Her emails are tucked away in a folder that I would have to look for to get to.  I will just need to tuck her pictures away someplace where I don't stumble on them. 

 

I told her I had made progress.  That if I had not made progress I would have been a puddle of tears for the past few days, but there have been no tears.  That the unbearable pain has been replaced with emptiness and void.  I refuse to let that void be filled with anger and hatred for her.  So I forgive her and hope she forgives me for what I said.

 

I am dating  I have had a couple of good dates with some women who were nice, fun, funny, interesting.  I am sure that helps.  I have liked them and they have liked me.  It gives me some hope that there may be someone out there.  But at least I am getting out and not spending the nights home alone in the house.  The dog isn't liking it so much but it is nice to have a night out talking and laughing.

 

Sorry this is so long.  There seems to have been some genuine concern so I thought I owed you, and wanted to, give you an update.  You have all been so patient to get through all the bad news and turmoil.  I thought you would like a positive update.

 

Thank you all again

[Max2507]

Good for you!! Glad to hear things are improving.

[SemperFidelis]

Thanks for the update. So glad to hear you are feeling and doing much better these days despite the craziness.