It's hard being single

[Portside]

Found while looking for the end of the internet:

 

https://medium.com/@emmalindsay/being-single-is-hard-dfdb534b0bec#.vqimvccvd

 

Key highlight:

 

"My partnered friends think because they were well put together they attracted a partner, but I think having a partner makes it easier for them to be well put together. Thing is, I remember what most of them were like when they were single, and most of them didn’t handle it well. And, they didn’t come to terms with being single and enter some magical zen state of balance, most of them found someone to date, and then after that they found balance. But, most people in relationships like to hold to the idea that they’re fully functional alone, and so falsely push this “be self sufficient” advice on single people."

 

So maybe that’s an argument for not being excessively picky.

 

Good luck - Mike

[Mrskro]

Mike;

 

That was an interesting read.  Thanks for sharing.  I don't necessarily agree with it being an argument with not being excessively picky though. 

 

I do completely agree with the statement that it's easier to be well put together with a partner.  Its the minutiae of life that friends just don't understand; and having a partner helps. 

 

[Wheelerswife]

So maybe that’s an argument for not being excessively picky.

 

It was an interesting read and something with which I can identify...but this stab was pretty unnecessary.

 

Maureen

[Trying]

A very good read. I also believe in the importance of touch and physical connection to other people.  This is part of why I went back to school for massage therapy, people with chronic or terminal illnesses often don't get enough positive touch.  Being single is also a deprivation of that physical connection.

 

Getting into a relationship early on in my widowhood left me open to some judgement and cristism that I should have taken the time to learn to be happy by myself.  The truth is, I am a better version of me when I am in a healthy relationship.  I can respect that this is not true for everyone but don't like the idea that it means I am weaker because I don't want to be alone.

 

As far as your last line Portside, I think it's ridiculous.  The author in no way implied that being in an unhealthy or poorly matched relationship is better than being alone.

[Guest Justme2]

Think there are implications to both (being single vs relationship). I feel that it doesn't take someone else to "heal" from being widowed. There were times when a relationship (for me anyway), actually held me back from realizing I think I'm a good person, whether with someone or not. Very hard topic. I don't think recouping after losing my Wife is, was, or ever will be, a panacea for justifying settling (been there done that is was horrible. Just don't ask the guy who wrote "dating after widowing", Albeit, or something when you google dating a widower. The biggest rubbish I never read.

[tybec]

So maybe that’s an argument for not being excessively picky.

 

I didn't take this as being unhealthy or a bad match but you stick it out versus being alone. I took it as dealing with little things that in the big scheme don't mean anything, nit pickiness.  Something I am working on in Chapter 2.  I could be a nit picker easily and given my DH had ADHD, this was a nightmare between us I had to deal with so as to not take the joy out of life.  That is what I viewed. The big stuff, you have to agree on well or "transcend" above it all.  Like, being on different sides of the political arena.  There are couples out there that handle that, and that would be a deal breaker for many.

 

Which way the toilet paper rolls, driving skills, some level of cleanliness, stuff like that.  Makes me think of the Seinfield show, where there was always a criticism about someone they dated, made funny.  Man hands, soft talker, close talker, etc.  Funny, but we all have our "stuff." 

 

Steve Harvey may be crass to many, but before I became widowed, I remember his book and seeing some stuff on the talk show circle as he shared about relationships.  I remember him talking to women who made lists of what they HAD to have in a man.  Single women who HAD to have the list completed.  I remember Harvey saying that if you had list like that, then expect the man to as well.  Which means there was no likelihood of a match, EVER.  That is how I took the article.  And having been coupled up, we all know that, right?  My thoughts, respectfully....

[Tatianakm]

The article makes perfect sense and it all goes back to a human touch- with a single long embrace and even better- pat on a back, human brain releases oxytocin- "love hormone". Greater amounts of oxytocin hormone levels appear to be associated with greater relaxation, more willingness to trust others, and general psychological stability. It appears to help us reduce our stress response and reduce general anxiety.

 

Just a recollection of his hug, gentle rocking back and forth and patting my back, that feeling when you close your eyes and almost can melt with the sense of security and being loved- miss this the most.

 

 

 

[RobFTC]

He's right about the positives from a relationship - the touching, the affirmations, the listening post.  All true.  I missed those things extra hard this summer.

 

I have also been thinking about my friendships with couples with an eye to how they may be compromised by my being single, unlike most of their other friends.  Most would love to see me recoupled, and I love them for it, even though they can be ham-fisted.  At church, a female friend I hadn't seen for some time started attending again, and we have been sitting together in church, which has been enough for a lot of people to chatter like *mad*.  Fortunately, we're both similarly amused by it all :-)

 

Take care,

Rob T

[Sugarbell]

"the importance of touch".

 

I take it then...those of us comfortable with being single...nothing wrong with a FWB or a "playboy neighbor" (or play girl neighbor).

 

But...and I know I am weird...I agree you are better with the RIGHT person...But if you aren't picky and settle for the WRONG person...well you end up a hot mess.

I tend to be better physically when I am single. Last relationship I let myself gain 16 lbs in a year..didn't work out a lot...because I got "comfortable" with late night dinners etc.

 

When I moved...and got single...got myself back in a gym 5 days a week (and my brother works there and is a trainer)...Weight is off...I feel healthier.

 

So I don't feel like an Ass anymore for having a FWB. 😄😊😃

[Guest nonesuch]

 

Single women who HAD to have the list completed.  I remember Harvey saying that if you had list like that, then expect the man to as well.

 

I once read of a singles group facilitator asking members to write his/her list of must have, must be, etc.  They were then asked to look at their lists and consider if the ideal person each had described would want to date  them.

 

 

[imissdow]

Interesting. I totally agree with the physical touch part. I'm not a touchy person typically.  However no/little physical contact has been difficult. I have 3 kids one of whom loves to sit/lay on me. This annoys me more than it helps.

Someone on the former site made a comment about what type of guys/gals you seem to attract. Rather  then making a decision based on your desires pick out of what you attract.  I kind of thought that thru. At 48 I typically have guys from 55-65 show intrest in me. Prior to this my acceptable age range was 40-55ish. The last couple of guys I have dated have been in the first age range. My current guy is a active 60yo.  I've narrowed my list down to some deal breakers and a few must haves.  I'm still pretty picky but relized some of my must haves really weren't all that important.  So my list is much shorter and I'm happier with the guys I'm meeting.

[soloact]

I enjoyed being single. It was a good time in my life. Widowed is so different from single. I can't even imagine a comparison much less considering single and widowed the same.

[StillWidowed]

Yes, widowed is very different from being single.  But the sad news is that if you haven't recoupled over a long period of time, people forget, and you're now viewed as single.  And we're not.  So society applies the single person rules to us and yes, in some ways they apply, but in many they don't.  So after having touch, which I think is so VERY important, we all of a sudden don't.  And it's simply another thing in a long list of things we've lost along with our partner.   

[Guest Justme2]

I guess we should feel very important.

We're single (unless remarried), and.. widowed.

 

Can we file 2 tax refunds ?