Muscle Memory

[hikermom]

When you do an activity for a long time, you develop what is called muscle memory. Your muscles become accustomed to the movement making it easier for you to do that movement when needed. You think less about the activity and do it more naturally.

 

I've been thinking about the emotional equivalent with grief. Early on, my body would know before I consciously knew that a key anniversary or date was coming up. I'd get crabby, sad, angry and not know why then realize I was coming up to some key date. That began to diminish around the middle of the second year but the time between July 4 and early winter still does it to me.

 

Despite my efforts to not live in the past, and truly most days I don't, I still struggle to maintain equilibrium this time of year. It starts with July 4, one month before he died suddenly. Peaks on the anniversary of the death but stays fairly prominent through September 17, our wedding anniversary. It then begins to trail off until I'm back at my "resting" state after the holidays. Fall was always my favorite time of year but it is greatly tinged with the level of despair I felt four years ago. My body has muscle memory - both the physical manifestation of grief and the emotional.

 

I now have to be more cognizant of my emotions. Why am I snapping at my daughter? Okay so she's a tween - that could be reason enough - but the drag on my emotions is largely due to this muscle memory. Why am I struggling with concentration at work? I have a harder time focusing and need to know this to be deliberate in how I work to not allow my brain to wander.

 

I know I need to make a new muscle memory of this time of year. I just don't know how to do it.

[Mizpah]

Completely.  My therapist back when DH first died said that even far out, our unconscious will react to the dates even without us realizing.  And every year, even this past one, at five years, his birthday in February and the dates of the accident and death in April... it was there, even as my life has changed so much and is fairly full.  It was there, and I can't describe it better than that, because as I try to write it, all I can do is picture the view from my commute home in the country, and feel that wordless feeling, looking out over twilight fields as spring develops. 

[tybec]

The Body Remembers: The Psychophysiology of Trauma and Trauma Treatment

(Norton Professional Book) 1st Edition

by Babette Rothschild

 

This came out in 2000.  It was pretty new ideas at the time.  So, 16 years ago.  I just never thought 16 years later I would be experiencing it........

[RobFTC]

I know I need to make a new muscle memory of this time of year. I just don't know how to do it.

 

HM, I get it.  I know I have some new things in my life that help a lot with that, like my favorite music festival that comes up right before Michelle's birthday.  The glow from my time down there lasts through the first part of my anniversary season.  It took me a couple of years of going to realize how that was helping.  I so wish she'd got to go down there with us.

 

Your "muscle memory" analogy reminds me of one my my metaphors:

 

The waves will come every anniversary season.  I am never sure how big they will be, but I am getting better at adjusting my paddling style to them, be they big or small.  I haven't capsized the canoe a lot lately, which is good.  But I'm going to keep wearing the lifejacket.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[TornApart]

Absolutely. Grief truly taught me the connection between my heart, soul, and body. All linked. The 17th of every month (the day that he had emergency surgery and didn't wake up) got me unconsciously worked up. It is less now, but I still find it coming out in my muscles. Storing "issues in your tissues" as a yoga teacher said once. It mightn't be for you, hikermom, but I found 'alternative' therapies very helpful. Kinesiology was the one that helped me because my therapist is just incredible, but there are a range of other ones that treat the connection between your mind, your heart, and your body and try to treat the underlying issue as well as the symptoms.

[Captains wife]

I found this post very interesting and insightful. I am now at year 4.4 and in the first years as a young window with a toddler, I experienced emotional rollercoasters especially around Thanksgiving/Xmas, and then around my sadiversary in May (very weepy, anger sometimes). But interestingly, in year 4, going on year 5, I am feeling less of this and I feel it will get better every year. In fact, although I still miss my husband, for some reason recently, I have been feeling the best I have felt in years.

 

I personally found therapy to help earlier on but now I am using other actions to move me along in my life and improve my moods. In terms of new muscle memory, can you switch things up a bit in terms of your schedule and create new patterns ? For example, this year, I booked a week on the ocean (Cape Cod) with my son and I and arranged various visitors throughout the week so we wouldn't be completely alone - and I will do this again next year. For Thanksgiving every year now, I volunteer and deliver meals to the elderly (my son stays with my inlaws) and I either meet friends out for a Thanksgiving lunch or just eat later with my inlaws. This is my new traditional and I enjoy it. I always have something fun planned for the May time period (visitors or go somewhere). I am aware at certain times of the year I find work concentration harder so I just take those times off and have fun. What has really helped me as well is "re-establishing my life" and by that I mean trying to figure out what really makes me happy and go with it. So, I switched my diet, I exercise regularly and I lay off the alcohol a lot more - and I built a solid social network so I am feeling more and more ok on my own, and with my son. I think these certain times of the year will always be triggers for us but I guess my point is that, for me, switching things up in my life, keeping busy with new activities and creating new memories - especially around those time periods - has really helped me.

 

Wishing you all the best,

[MrsDan]

I am going through this currently. October 3 it will be four years. I have suffered from some aches and pains since he died, but the past couple months it's been worse than ever. It's grown so unbearable that I've started journaling about it and have a doctor's appointment on Friday. I'm suspecting fibro (which can be trigged by trauma.). But I'm also wondering if the time of year has anything to do with it. What's funny is that in many ways I'm doing the "best" I have been since he died. I'm very happy in my relationship, and that I think has transferred to other areas of my life. I don't care for my job, but job stress is nothing like grief stress. I've tried not to get sucked into that anniversary vortex this year. But fall is such a sensory season, one that many people enjoy and enjoy talking about. The physical recall I have for those last days are so visceral, I don't know how to fight them.

[tybec]

I made an appointment for my mother, and the date is the day before my sadiversary.  I didn't flinch, hurt, or feel a thing, and then realized the date I chose.  I was so thankful for that small step of progress. Now the actual date matters each year, but even thinking it used to be distressing.  Healing...

[hikermom]

I found this post very interesting and insightful. I am now at year 4.4 and in the first years as a young window with a toddler, I experienced emotional rollercoasters especially around Thanksgiving/Xmas, and then around my sadiversary in May (very weepy, anger sometimes). But interestingly, in year 4, going on year 5, I am feeling less of this and I feel it will get better every year. In fact, although I still miss my husband, for some reason recently, I have been feeling the best I have felt in years.

 

This year has thrown me for a loop since I,too, had been feeling very good for awhile. I have no idea why it is hitting me so hard this year. It is highly possible that the anniversary and concurrent emotions have less to do with the death and more to do with other things. Don't know. I just know that I've been knocked down hard this year. Trying to figure out the basis of it, but suspect it stems from exhaustion, loneliness, lack of hope, entering middle school/tween years, the political environment and many other things. I can be much more resilient when I'm well rested and am exercising and eating well. And honestly, I never thought I'd be this alone at 4+ years. Of course, a mate isn't going to just fall in my lap - as much as I wish it would happen - so I shouldn't be surprised that my lack of effort has resulted in no dates!  :

 

I know the advice of needing to take care of myself but I have no support systems so please don't offer up those suggestions. I know they are meant well but I know all that and knowing it only makes me feel more alone when I realize that getting time for me is impossible because I'm so isolated and alone (see the vicious cycle??). I will emerge from this funk - I know what I need to do and will kick myself in the butt to do it. Sometimes you just need to cry in your beer before you get up and dust yourself off.

 

I hate that I generally only come here when I'm complaining but appreciate the support and words of encouragement.

[Trying]

Hikermom, not every problem has an easy solution and sometimes we just need to sit with each other during these rough patches. I have no doubt that you will come out on the other side of this funk but in the mean time just wanted to tell you I hear you.

[trying2breathe]

hikermom  Sending virtual hugs ~ I get it. 

[twin_mom]

Crying in your beer sometimes is fine, imo hikermom. I read something awhile so, I think maybe a blog from Gabby Gifford?, that said something like, "it's okay to find ourselves in a rut sometimes, in a pit. And it's okay to hang out there for a bit, bit don't go furnishing it and buying curtains" this was one of my life mottos even before widowhood. So cry in your beer, will commiserate, and when you're ready we'll help pull you back out of the rut.

[canadiangirl]

I know the advice of needing to take care of myself but I have no support systems so please don't offer up those suggestions. I know they are meant well but I know all that and knowing it only makes me feel more alone when I realize that getting time for me is impossible because I'm so isolated and alone (see the vicious cycle??).

 

This point reminded me of an MD friend, who when my husband was so sick and dying said "You have to take care of yourself as well" and I looked at him incredulously, just thinking so well-meant, but just no. I had a very small child, full-time job, no family in town, friends heartbreakingly absent for the most part, no full or even part-time nurse and exercising at home in front of someone whose bones would break doing the same things...no.  So now I am still reaping the rewards of that era. 

 

On muscle memory, I was incapacitated with exhaustion one Monday this summer, just could not move and could not figure out why, was getting scared enough to consider calling an ambulance if it continued.  I later realized it was our wedding anniversary.  I'm so tired all the time I don't keep the dates straight, but my body knew. I was back up again for the grind the next day.

 

Sending you empathy and support, hikermom.  I hope you feel better soon, if you don't already.  Your posts always resonate and your writing on muscle memory is an example.  I don't know what the answer is.

[MrsDan]

Yes, those types of "take care of yourself" admonitions when prescribed with no realistic options for helping me achieve it, used to drive me nuts. And the only reason they don't anymore is I basically avoid contact with the people who used to throw them at me. Much more helpful is my boyfriend offering to watch DD so I can go to grief counseling, or my MIL offering to get me leaf removal for my birthday.

 

My update to my last post is I have been diagnosed with fibro (well as much as a firm dx is possible with fibro, although mine seems pretty textbook). She asked if there was any reason why I might be going through a particularly bad flare right now. Hmm, four year anniversary next week? I have really tried, as that article says, to not get on the anniversary train this year. I'm trying to rethink fall, focus on the fact that it's when boyfriend and I started dating, and his birthday is in the fall. But it's almost like my body is saying, yeah nice try.

[Captains wife]

Vent away - I think that helps and one of the great things about this board (the support system from individuals that get it). And I think it does sometimes need to get worse before it gets better. And getting those emotions out now will help long term. I hear you on the "alone" comment (although I recognize our situations are likely very different) - I never thought I would still be on my own at year 5 and I wish my family lived closer.

 

Wishing you all the best,