In love with his best friend

[Jack73]

13 years have gone by and again we ended up in bed together.  When Jack died, his best friend was living with us for over 2 years.  When Jack died, I slept on the couch for months.  His best friend one night came and laid with me, and it kept happening.  Then he offered me his bed.  I finally accepted and crawled into bed with him.  Not was he was offering, but it lead to intimacy.  We both felt guilty and wrong, it had only been a few months since Jack died.  We were 27 years old. 

 

Then, I moved, he got married, had 2 kids.  I would visit him and our other friends ever few years, we would reminiscence about Jack, tell stories, keep him alive in spirit.  I even made friends with his wife and played Auntie to his kids.  Then they divorced early this year. I visited him and our friends like I had many times.  But this time, we made love.  When I got back home, I realized I fell in love with him. 

 

I do not know if I should tell him, and if so how.  He is going thru hell with his x-wife and custody of the kids, he really doesn't need me to bring more drama into his life, but I cant stop thinking about him. 

I also feel that if I never tell him and something happens to him, I will go thru all those feelings of unfinished business like I battle with Jack. 

 

Can anyone relate?  Any advice?  Thanks.  I'm new to this forum, but 13 years into my journey.

 

The grief doesn't stop, it metastases like a tumor. 

[Portside]

  Any advice?  Thanks.

 

 

 

The only thing I see as a problem is that whenever you have formed an intimate relationship with Jack's best friend is during the times when one of you is emotionally vulnerable. The first time you were still actively grieving Jack and now JBF is grieving the loss of his marriage and is fully immersed into a shitstorm with his ex.

 

I'd counsel to try to cool things off until both of you are emotionally available for each other and then see what happens. Yeah, the sex is great - I hear you. But in both instances one of you was/is seeking relief from pressures of other aspects of your life and I'd wager those pressures are coloring your feelings for each other in ways neither of you are aware of.

 

Good luck - Mike

 

Oh - for what it is worth - grief does not have to go on forever or turn into a horrible thing. Many, many folks process their grief, accept the finality of it all, and go forward. Truly, it can happen.

[Guest Justme2]

Then there's the risk of reconciliation which leaves a double whammy.

[Captains wife]

I cant relate exactly but can understand some of what you are feeling and I would proceed with caution for the time being. This may not be the right time to tell your friend that you are in love with him, given everything else that is going on in his life. I also worry about you getting hurt if you say something now and its not reciprocated as the timing might not be right for him - you have been through so much already. Intimacy in times of emotional turmoil is not at all surprising but its important (although difficult) to untangle different types of feelings/emotional connections. I've been through a few relationships (unfortunately) since my husband died suddenly in his 30s and in hindsight some of them were really me clinging to fraud emotions/new physical connections to make me feel better/less lonely. This is only my experience but maybe an idea is to spend some time with the best friend in everyday life, go on some dates and get a little closer that way first...and see how you and (and he) feels down the road? This advice is coming from a person who is generally cautious on relationships so you can take the advice with a grain of salt : ) But I wish you all the best and hope a good Ch2 outcome happens for you out of this.

[daysofelijah]

I think that putting your feelings out there right now would only cause him more stress and make him withdraw. I'd be there for him as a friend if possible for you at this time. And yes sex is great, but the situation and the feelings you are catching are probably a red flag right now, so I'd probably try to back off from that. You don't want to be the rebound off of his divorce.

 

I've always been cautioned to never be the first person a man dates after his divorce, and not to date someone who's been divorced less than a year. Maybe sounds like silly rules, but it makes sense. His heart is still probably really crushed and broken right now and he needs time to grieve his marriage, not jump into a relationship. And you've already caught feelings so a FWB (friends with benefits) situation would probably not work for you.

[Guest Justme2]

My advise, you're setting yourself up for heartache. Let him get over the divorce, settle his things, then mark one year to get serious, if he loves you back he will be there for you. Prepare for backlash from the ex. Believe it, been there. Not a comforting feeling.

(Just advise)

[Mizpah]

While I think you're getting wise advice, I also know that sometimes we have to do the crazy ill-advised thing that just might be great.  You said the divorce started early this year?  So it's been almost a year? 

 

I think we all have opinions that come from our own experiences, that it reflects us as much as the person's situation we contemplate, so I'll tell you that, when I met DH, I was 4-5 months out of an 8-year relationship that ended with my ex cheating on me.  DH had *just* separated from his wife, and they hadn't even begun the divorce.  Any person would've told either one of us to steer clear of the other and all the issues.  But it was the most calm, lovely, healthy, beautiful relationship he or I (or anyone we knew) had ever known.  (Now, neither of us had kids, so there wasn't that complication, and neither of our breakups were particularly messy in the aftermath.)

 

If you find yourself unable to stop yourself from saying something, or if you decide that, for you, it's the best course, just be prepared for the possibility that you could be hurt.  Who knows?  He could reciprocate your feelings.  But it's possible that he's just viewing this as sex.  Good luck!!!  Keep us updated!

[Guest Justme2]

Very true ^^

[imissdow]

My LHs best friend has become one of my best friends over the years. We talked before LH died but afterwards it got different. He's a great guy, he's also married. A few years ago he started telling me he missed talking to me and invited me to lunch. I declined. I felt pretty close to him in part because he reminded me of LH. We could talk and laugh and he was comfortable talking about LH. We are still friends but we cut our contact down. I now talk to him 5-7 times a year for just 15 mins at a time. We both care a lot for each other as friends. The biggest thing we still have in common is love and history with LH.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is this. Are you attracted to this guy because he's comfortable talking about Jack? Is he in some way shape or form a replacement for Jack ?  Sex touches our soul differently then other things and sometimes masks our true thoughts and feelings. Grief is a sneaky thing. I have found myself making choices not realizing that I'm doing them out of pain and hurt. It's much better if you can make those choices out of a place of strength. That's sometimes really hard to do. 

 

[MrsDan]

While I think a lot of valid points have been made, I'm a little confused. Lots of widows recouple within the first year, and we don't bat an eye. What if people said, don't be the first person a widow dates post loss? How would we feel about that? Why is there emphasis on being more restrictive in the case of divorce?

[Sugarbell]

I dunno...guess I am looking at the whole situation (as you wrote it) and am thinking "Run don't walk"

 

Why was he living with you and your DH for 2 years while you were married? Was he a bum? Did he not have a job? Could he support himself? --Then best friend dies and he offers you his bed??Believe me..it happens...Just weird cause he was living there too..

 

Now married..and is dealing with a divorce/custody...I maybe judgmental..but oh well...I don't date recently divorced guys..never have..Don't have the tolerance for the drama. I also wouldn't date a recently widowed guy. I know I was a train wreck for a while my first few years (Not saying anyone else on this forum was..this was just me)..

 

I just have a low low tolerance for bullshit in my life...

[Trying]

What a complicated situation!  I agree that the times you have been intimate seem to be times when one or both of you are emotionally raw and in need of comfort. That may make it difficult to determine if it's real or more of an emotional crutch. If you were to declare your feelings maybe it would be better to tone it down a little and tell him that you are confused by your feelings and are wondering how he is feeling about trying to have a relationship. If he is not on the same page you have not made a Big declaration of love that could make things awkward and difficult to continue your friendship. Also, if you are having strong feelings for him it probably would be better for you to hold off on any more intimacy. Friends with benefits doesn't work if one person has feelings that aren't shared.

 

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best.

[serpico]

What if people said, don't be the first person a widow dates post loss? How would we feel about that?

 

I think people do say this, and it's probably pretty good advice.  As for how 'we' would feel about that, 'we' would collectively go apeshit and call the advice-giver a DGI, among other things.  It doesn't mean it's not good advice, though.

[Guest nonesuch]

Why is there emphasis on being more restrictive in the case of divorce?

 

I know why I think that way.  For a widow or widower, the relationship ended because one person died. With divorce or other breakup, the relationship ended because the couple was mis-matched, or perhaps immature, or one party or another wasn't getting his/her needs met, or perhaps had unrealistic ideas about getting needs met.  I think it is wise to examine why a relationship didn't work before starting a new one.

[Guest Justme2]

.

[MrsDan]

I guess I am leery of "rules" per se about this sort of thing. When I met my boyfriend, he was just beginning what has become a very unpleasant custody/parenting time negotiation with his ex-girlfriend. Unpleasant because of the ex. Although he has zero (good) feelings for her, the situation has been very difficult, and I guess some would describe it as drama. But not only do I feel that he is worth it, we've realized that the situation has enabled us to relate to each other. Because we have both dealt with, and continue to deal with very emotionally trying experiences that are not going away.