It's just stuff

[twin_mom]

I think this is just going to be a long rambling vent, so sorry for that upfront but I need to get it off my chest....

 

DH had been dead for 4 years and 21 days. He had a very large storage unit that is packed full of the debris of his life with first wife (he was divorced) and more than half of it is stuff from his deceased father (dead 25 years, before I even came into the picture) that he and his sister didn't want to deal with when they moved his mother out of her house. I have never been in this storage unit, but I've been paying over $300/month for four years to store shit that's not even mine/ours and it needs to stop. There's some legal issues around me getting access to the unit that I'm finally dealing with, so now I need to go through this and disposition it all.

 

I'm so angry with him for leaving this for me to deal with. For YEARS before he got sick but he was retired I would tell him he needed to deal with the storage unit or when he died I was just going to hand the auctioneer the key and an address to send the check to and he would always be, "you can't do that, there's things with real value in there".  It was a standing joke. But it's not a joke anymore, i doubt there's anything in there that will recoup even half what I've paid to store it- I believe it's mostly old tools and no one wants that crap. But his admonishment over the years of this joke had added to my stress of dealing with it and adds to my anger.

 

Added to that, my two adult stepdaughters ... One said before he died that she wanted right of first refusal of anything I got rid of, he agreed to that and I didn't- I'm not asking her permission to throw out his holey socks. But I've tried to make sure that I offer then the things, and last year when I finally started shooting through the things in my house I told them that I would give them anything that I knew came from their parents house (it was a very very confrontational divorce and division of property went on for years)  except the artwork ( long story) and their fathers tools- any tools I wasn't keeping I would sell and put the money in the twins'college fund. (Their half brother and sister) younger SD didn't like that, she wanted the tools though she had no place to store them, she thought I should hold onto then for her. I said I wasn't holding on to anything, but fine, I would let them know before getting rid of any big tools. I really was trying to be the better person.

Fast forward to this year- both girls have said terrible things about me/to me over my choice to not go to older sd's wedding that she had on the anniversary of her father's death, especially how selfish and self centered i am. (Another really long story) on top of that, older stepdaughter actually t asked my NG if I was trying to erase her dad because I was getting rid of all his things. Um... I know she cannot possibly know how hurtful that was to say, how as widows we struggle with dismantling their lives, but you wanted your dad's stuff, knowing he was  a hoarder!?!?

 

So I'm sitting here looking at having to deal with the remnants of DH's first marriage, his father's stuff (who was also a hoarder) and now SIL and niece are also saying that they want some of dead FIL's stuff. REALLY?!?! You didn't want any of it for the last 25 years, it's been in this storage unit for over 10 years, and suddenly I'm expected to inventory everything that's in this unit and make it available to you, storing it until you can find the time to come get it? Or in younger stepdaughters case, until you have a house where you have room for it? And their justification is that I've stored it for this long, what's the difference?

 

If you've stuck with my rambling this long, what would you do? My original plan over a year ago was to go through everything, pull what I wanted and tell them that they could meet me at x date at y time to go through and take what they wanted. But that was before the last 8 months of emotional beatings I took from all 4 of them.

So today I texted the 4 of them and said that I heard there was talk of the contents of my storage unit during the wedding (that I didn't go to), what exactly did they want so I can look for it. Niece listed what she wanted of her grandfather's, fine, it's a small list. Stepdaughters say they don't know what's in there, but tell them before i get rid of anything and they'll let me know if they want it. It's a 24x24 ft unit packed full of woodworking and metal working tools, and shelves and shelves of random things leftover from projects/random tools/backups purchased, and then household stuff!!! I really want to say something snarky back like "if you don't know what's in there then I guess you don't need any of it". I'm so tired of going out of my way for those self-centered girls. I have unfriended them on Facebook now, and once I'm through with the storage unit the only interaction I have to have with them is for my kids' sake- but they too are tired of their sisters behaviors.

 

Do I bite the bullet and offer them anything useful, do my original plan of seeing a date for then to go through things and f*ck it if they can't come that day, or tell them if they can't say what they want then they must not want it?

 

I feel like a horrible person at this point, but i can't keep on this path for my own mental well being. I promised him that I would look out for them and make sure they don't end up living in a cardboard box. I didn't promise him that I'd be their enabler/doormat.

[Portside]

Wow - what a mess.

 

My advice? Make it easy on yourself. If it were me I'd 1) stop paying immediately for the storage. It will take months for the owners of the storage facility to condemn and then auction off the contents. 2) Remove what ever you want. 3) Offer the remainder to family with a firm timeframe established. 4) Walk away and let the chips fall where they may.

 

Hmmm - I just realized the above assumes you have access to the unit.

 

Just so you know, many old wood-working and other tools can be very valuable. Over the years, I've 'rescued' many tools from various sources and re-sold them easily for $$ that very much made it worth my while. For the right guy, some of the tools may, in fact, be very desirable. Whether or not you want to go to all the trouble is, of course, up to you.

 

Good luck - Mike

 

[Wheelerswife]

Different, yet similar circumstances....

 

My second husband had one surviving brother who cared to have his brother's possessions.  He lives in Alaska and I live in Kansas.  When I was finally ready to go through John's things, I let his brother know in advance what I was doing and my time table for getting rid of things.  I went through the possessions...most of which were in my basement  I set aside the things I wanted to keep or that I didn't want his brother to see/have for privacy reasons as well as some correspondence from old friends that I sent back to them for sentimental value.  I was nice about it all, even though I don't really like his brother.  He makes me uncomfortable.

 

I let his brother figure out how he was going to handle getting John's property.  He flew to a nearby airport, rented a box truck and drove into town.  It took him 3 days to box up everything I had left for him....and he took it all, even things I figured he would never want.  He ended up driving the truck several hours to another state where his daughter lives and he left everything there for now.  It is off of my hands and I can move forward.

 

I don't know the exact picture of your scenario, but perhaps you can go to the unit yourself, sift through things and see if there is anything you truly want for you and your kids and then let family members know that they have (x) amount of time to go to the storage unit and pick out what they want.  Tell them you plan to stop paying rent on a specific future date and after that, everything gets picked up by a junk dealer or whatever.  Don't take responsibility for work they need to do.  I think the amount of notice you give them should be generous enough that they can get the task done reasonably.

 

I may never see John's brother again, and that is fine with me, but somehow I managed to keep the process pretty civil, in spite of the fact that his brother is a major anxiety trigger for me.

 

Best wishes,

 

Maureen

[Guest Justme2]

I wouldn't stop paying the rent it will be seized. Anything of value sell.. eBay craigslist donate.

Stepchildren ? I haven't read your post fully but if they are how you say, screw that. You were the Wife. It's yours.

If you need help with formalities of online selling message me. Sounds like there's valuable things. Get the money, then get rid of storage unit. You came this far, don't give in to greedy people. Just advise.

[trying2breathe]

twin_mom  Timely post for me, as I just went thru the purge of one of my four storage units.  There's so much emotion tied to stuff after death, isn't there? 

 

 

What I did - found an available garage, hired a truck & 2 guys, sent all of that shit to said garage and with the help of a "consolidator", sold all of it at a garage sale. 

 

 

The consolidator went through every little thing - she valued, priced, marketed, put some stuff on ebay and sold the rest at a two-day garage sale.  Her commission was 30%, today I got a decent check from this sale and other than clearing the unit with the movers, I didn't lift a finger.  Well worth her commission in my opinion.     

 

 

In my area, there are locations where you can take your "estate sale"  Have everything sent there, and family can have access if you want, to go through everything.  Then sell the rest.  You might be surprised at what is found. 

 

 

Good luck ~ 

[SemperFidelis]

Ugh I feel for you. But then again I am also made very thankful that my own projects left to me seem comparatively small. I had boxes of unsorted paperwork from the last 15yrs of my husband's life.    Every receipt, Bill and document is saved in those boxes. Ugh.

 

Your leftovers seem like a hell of a massive project for one person.

 

I like what trying2breathe did....to me that sounds like the ideal way to deal with what is on your plate.

Portside makes it nicely simple too.....let the hogs have what the hogs want.

[Mrskro]

When my in-laws passed away my brother in law and I went through the house, took what we wanted and I'm storing all the family photos plus a few larger sentimental items (he lives in England and we are in Canada) and I had an estate guy come in.  We negotiated the whole house, so I didn't have to deal with disposing of the junk and he sold what he could. 

 

Everyone else in the family was notified when the sale was and if they wanted anything (we had let them pick sentimental stuff first) they were welcome to attend the sale and purchase whatever they wanted.

 

It was amazing, no one came to buy anything.  It's just stuff and once they were told they had to purchase it at the estate sale, no one wanted it anymore.

 

 

[tybec]

Tryingtobreathe has a great response.  Thanks for that.

 

Sorry for this mess you are in with stuff and money and hurt feelings.  Tough!

 

I wondered if you could take what you wanted and then have an auction, letting them know when.  They can purchase what they want of value and you can recoup the cost of the storage unit some, which you can give them a receipt of proof to show why you are selling the stuff, not just giving it to them.  Not necessary but may make some sense?  If they are sensible folks.  Debatable?

 

Had a friend get a divorce. Ex had all his stuff in spare garage at home. He left the marriage.  She gave date of notice and then disposed of it on her terms.  Not her job to keep his stuff for free indefinitely.  Not the same, but the hurt feelings still there.

 

Get the anger, too.  My DH's Mother would "dump" stuff on us because we had a home with a basement.  Give as gift, but only because she valued it but never asked if we wanted it.  Burden to us.  ie, a 35 yr old kitchen dinette set she didn't want anymore but we could put in the basement.  I am VERY aware now when I offer someone something to not DUMP it on them.  I don't want a burden and don't want to do that to others.  I say NO often, too.  May not be southern charm for me to do so, but I am not a storage unit. 

[Sugarbell]

I agree...quit paying..Let the storage facility deal with it. They will sell it eventually. Take what you want out first...give the adult stepchildren notice and tell them they can continue to pay for the rent on it if they want all the heirlooms (or junk) still in the family.

 

And walk away. My DH was a borderline hoarder..I have very little left of his stuff. My most prized possession of his?? Mountains rocks (boulders) we got from various trips we went on. The rest of the junk I got rid of for the most part.

 

You are RENTING...so its not your problem when you quit paying. My husband died in our storage unit..and the storage unit owners (assholes) made us clean and get rid of all the stuff. They should've paid HAZMAT to come in and do the cleaning. Luckily his friends did it..but they will take advantage of you if you let them. Ugh..Sorry you are dealing with this!

[serpico]

You are RENTING...so its not your problem when you quit paying.

 

As a landlord I have a major problem with this advice.  It's part of the reason rents are as high as they are - deadbeats don't pay and leave their trash behind, and the landlord is stuck with the bill, resulting in higher rents for paying customers.

 

Okay, end of rant 

 

The question I have is who signed the original lease?  If it was your husband, is it still your responsibility?  I'm not sure about that, and it's probably more of a legal question, but if you don't pay it I don't imagine you'll be able to get any of the stuff inside.

 

 

[trying2breathe]

I agree with serpico on this one - not paying means you don't get access to the contents, and it also might be a mark against your credit report - if the lease has your name on it. 

 

 

There are other ways to deal with this, and possibly make some money when you sell all of the stuff.  I am amazed at what some people pay good money for - "one man's junk is another man's treasure."

 

 

An option I considered was bringing in an auctioneer to sell the contents of my storage unit - letting them do their thing and getting it over with quickly.  Whoever buys the contents has a couple of days to clear it, and you're then free of the lease.  Not all storage facilities allow you to hold your own auction, mine would allow it.

 

 

For me it was a huge time suck to sort through the storage unit - hand it over to the professionals, IMO.

[Guest Justme2]

Someone else's post, you may indeed be responsible, if you walk away, even if your name is not on the lease, by default. My take, get anything you think of value, out. Let the needy stepchildren do phase 2, anything else donate, Salvation Army, and advertise free on my stuff dot com, then ditch the rest. Clean up, check out w landlord, everyone happy.

[twin_mom]

Thank you everyone for sharing your stories and advice. I knew some of you had gone through similar but it helps to actually hear it. And yeah, part of me wanted to pulse check to see how bitchy I really am being.

 

I really don't think there's anything I want in there, and I think I will go with an estate sale guy. It's just a question do i let them go through first, or just let them know when the sale is... It sounds like you guys are split, I think it really covers down to how nice do I want to be about it, which only I can decide.

 

Thanks again!!!

[Sugarbell]

Maybe I misunderstood...Was their a lease?? Most storage units (at least around here).. No lease is signed..in that case..I still stand firm..give the kids the option to take over monthly payments then walk away. Apartment rentals..with leases different story.

 

Storage unit???No.