Capable of loving again?

[imissdow]

I've dated a couple of guys in the last year for several months  and I've come away from it with more questions then answers. Both guys were nice good guys. I had fun with them felt like I could talk to them and there was some physical attraction.  B the last guy I dated asked me yesterday if he could have 5 mins to talk with me next week.  He wants to try and work things out I'm just not sure I want to bother. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm capable of having strong feelings for anyone.  When I break up with them I typically just miss my LH more not him really but what we had together. I miss having someone to talk to, Miss going out and having fun, but I done miss them, if that makes sense. Admittedly I tend to be very guarded in my feelings. I think I always have been.  Maybe I'm not giving it enough time, you don't usally "fall in love" overnight. I just don't understand. Maybe it's not the right guy, maybe it me. I just don't even begin to know what to thinK.

[klim]

Tricky stuff.....I've dated a bit  with nice guys that had things going for them but no deep  connection for me........ and I've fallen in love  even when trying to guard my heart.

 

I think your response will be  your own.....and everyones will be different.  But  from my vantage point I think falling in love again is possible but it has to be the right person for you.

 

Good luck in sorting it out.

[sikeuritgadeun]

I don't know what to say just that I feel the same way.  I know my social anxiety has a lot to do with it. I'm not sure I will ever meet anyone that I click with again.

[2ManyQuestions]

hi,

 

Love is tough, we all know what it was, but we are scared of tomorrows love. Love can come quickly or it may take time before you realize someone has wiggled into ones heart. We all know what it feels like when we get there. I get it, guarding our hearts but love can happen again, sure it can.  We all have lots to offer and look at life differently, there is someone out there that looking for us we just need to cross paths.  Once we analyze this new person and check them out, moving forward on multiple dates, as long as the couple is having fun, enjoying each other’s company, how could that be wrong???? if there are no red flags along the way, just keep moving forward who knows where it will go. This is part of the adventure. Yes it is tough, I get it, we don’t want to get hurt and we don’t want to hurt anyone as well but if there is a connection in anyway why not explore to see where it will go, who knows maybe it will turn into love. We need to be open to what life has to offer. We can live under a rock but is that living…. I will never forget my wives, but I will bring them on this great adventure. Life is not fair that is for sure. We are rebuilding and if we are lucky to find someone to put some joy back into souls. Every positive person we meet along the way is helping us rebuild. Rather than looking for love, keep going with positive people in our lives, love will happen. As we move forward follow our hearts it won’t let us down.

[Captains wife]

I so hear you...I just don't feel like I can get really emotionally attached to any man these days. I know I have my guard up but there's something else going on I think....people keep saying to me that if I met the "right" one, that will all change- but I'm not sure. I don't have a lot of advice therefore but understand your feelings on the subject and can commiserate. I think timing is important but also key is really meeting the right match, especially as we get older and really know what we want. All the best,

[2ManyQuestions]

hi,

 

Who said you have to emotionally attached, that will come naturally if it is meant to be. If you enjoy the moment, someone makes you smile, as I said how can that be wrong. If nothing else a new friend. we could always be in need of friends.

 

You can still have your guard up, that may never go away, just enjoy the moment small steps, if it feels right, why not explore it

 

We all know what we want that goes without a doubt, you will know when it happens. I am sure you do your due diligence and once you have all the checks and balances in order and that person puts a smile, and you actually get a response back to a question rather than the 4 walls we normally talk to with no answers.

[SemperFidelis]

I can relate to what you wrote. Past tense anyway.

 

3.5 months in to dating NG, I broke up with him(only lasted about 18hrs) on the basis that I just felt nothing for him. He fit my criteria for what I was looking for and all around was just a logical good fit for me with long term compatibility. But I felt wrong being with someone I felt no attachment or connection to..... Meanwhile I could see his attachment for me. And the glaring nature of my numbness made me feel like a monster.... It felt like a recurring reminder of what I was apparently no longer capable of....I saw and felt my own brokenness. Anyway. I felt like by waiting any longer I would be leading him on or hurting him more in the long run. I have dealt with a lot of numbness And I was worried it would be permanent. I also had an instant connection to LH so that was my only point of relationship comparison.

 

Thankfully I didn't stick with the break up plan..... I knew that he truly was a good fit for me and it shouldn't matter how I FELT.... All that mattered was who he was, not how warm and fuzzy I didnt feel inside.

 

You know, it took a long time..... The attachment and the feelings. I thought they would never come....and I had accepted that they would not. Like 2ManyQuestions mentioned, an attachment isn't necessary to decide that you want to move forward with someone and try to build something with that person. For me deep attachment, warm fuzzy feelings, and love took about 9 months to start to fester. We've been together nearly 12months now. Only very recently have the full swing of feelings been felt. Its very intense and refreshing....and to be honest it's a total anxiety trigger too - I seem to have a backlash of it after feeling something very strongly for NG.

 

Anyway. I Do understand and see now that perhaps my expectation had been unrealistic early on.... I wrongly thought all relationship beginnings were always loosely based on mutual connectedness and perhaps a twitterpated attachment.  So it was a good thing that I had decided to pursue a relationship with him in spite of my total lack of attachment and connection to him. Those things have sloooooowly developed. I am so thankful. Its definitely a different relationship format than I experienced before with LH.

[daysofelijah]

I think NG and I were both extremely doubtful of being able to love again. We both even questioned if love was ever even there in our marriages. So it's been super slow going for both of us. In fact I don't think either of us really, truly felt strong emotional attachment for each other "love?" until the last few months and we've been dating for 16+ months now.

 

People will say if you don't feel something within X amount of months then that person must not be right for you or you are just too emotionally damaged to love that person. But I think in situations of extreme loss or in his case extreme betrayal the heart is so guarded and damaged that time and patience are so important. I could have given up on him, but I'm glad we stuck with each other because things are so good now.

[Mizpah]

There's no way to know this in theory or hypothetically.  You'll see in time and with experiences. 

 

I was one of those people who swore I would never love again and got angry when it was suggested it was a possibility.  I believed it fully, deeply.  I dated a man who was nice.  I had a little fling.  I had a little crush.  But nothing truly touched me, even when the other party was wonderful and did develop feelings.  And then, meeting someone for the first time, someone who I thought of as only a friend and grief buddy (after texting for months and never even having romance cross my mind), I was shocked to find I still did have the capacity for big feelings.  Real feelings.  Natural, unexpected feelings. 

 

Don't force it or seek it.  Easier said than done.  And I totally agree with the others that things can develop over time that are just as wonderful (or more so) as the whole "love at first sight" nonsense that we are acculturated to desire. 

[Virgo]

I didn't fall instantly in love with my late husband. I wasn't even attracted to him at first. I fell in love with him, his personality. That made him even more physically attractive to me.

 

I'm seeing someone right now. Almost the same situation. I would have never chose him out of a crowd as far as physical appearance. We've known each other a long time. I've never looked at him romantically. Circumstances put us together and we just clicked. We're very comfortable with each other, and enjoying each other's company. Could it be love? I don't know.  I'm open to the idea of falling in love again even though it's hard to imagine loving another man as deeply as I loved my late husband.

[momtokam]

hi,

 

Love is tough, we all know what it was, but we are scared of tomorrows love. Love can come quickly or it may take time before you realize someone has wiggled into ones heart. We all know what it feels like when we get there. I get it, guarding our hearts but love can happen again, sure it can.  We all have lots to offer and look at life differently, there is someone out there that looking for us we just need to cross paths.  Once we analyze this new person and check them out, moving forward on multiple dates, as long as the couple is having fun, enjoying each other’s company, how could that be wrong???? if there are no red flags along the way, just keep moving forward who knows where it will go. This is part of the adventure. Yes it is tough, I get it, we don’t want to get hurt and we don’t want to hurt anyone as well but if there is a connection in anyway why not explore to see where it will go, who knows maybe it will turn into love. We need to be open to what life has to offer. We can live under a rock but is that living…. I will never forget my wives, but I will bring them on this great adventure. Life is not fair that is for sure. We are rebuilding and if we are lucky to find someone to put some joy back into souls. Every positive person we meet along the way is helping us rebuild. Rather than looking for love, keep going with positive people in our lives, love will happen. As we move forward follow our hearts it won’t let us down.

 

I very much am in this head space right now.

If I am enjoying someone, I will continue. No expectations, no labels. If it's meant to head toward love, then great! If not, I hope I have grown from the experience and can bring that growth forward to something new with someone else.

[Bear Tomás]

"Capable of loving again?"

 

Not sure if I can answer that one.  :-\