Objective Advice Needed

[Out_of_the_Blue]

I really need some objective advice. I've been involved in a sport for several years now and have gotten to know some nice people, both men and women.

 

There's a (married) man who lives near me who said it's kind of silly for everyone to drive separately and that we should carpool. Problem is, the other two women he would pick up are both busy next week so I'd be the  only one driving with him.

 

I'm not too sure about this because several years ago, another (also married) man in my neighbourhood, who knew that I love cycling, asked if I'd like to join him on a bike ride. He was planning a ride for a group he belongs to and wanted to scout it out. I happily went along but since then, his wife has been very frosty to me.

 

So now I am feeling uncomfortable about being in any kind of situation, no matter how innocent, with a married man. To be honest, if the guy who offered to drive wasn't married, I'd be all over him. When we play this sport, we seem to have a natural chemistry and are quite drawn to each other, but I know my boundaries and would never do anything stupid.

 

Should I make up an excuse about why I need to drive myself or should I go with him alone?  After the situation with my biking neighbour, I'm gun shy about causing any ripples among wives.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[hachi]

I would always say, go with your gut.  It's rarely wrong.

[Portside]

After the situation with my biking neighbour, I'm gun shy about causing any ripples among wives.

 

Insecure wives (and husbands!) will see the worst even if you merely stand next to their spouse.

 

To hell with them. Live your life as you see fit. You already stated you are familiar with your boundaries.

 

Good luck - Mike

[Quixote]

When my wife was alive, I'd hang with unmarried female friends all the time: sometimes with my wife, sometimes not.  Most of our friends were mutual, or ended up being mutual, so there was that.

 

Honestly, I think the biking incident is an anomaly.  Don't let one couple's problems keep you from making friends.

[daysofelijah]

I think it would be wise for you to drive yourself. Go with your gut. It's not something I'd feel comfortable with my husband doing (if I still had one). That's how those things start, completely innocently, especially if you already feel some chemistry with him.

[klim]

I'd share the drive.... seriously ....it's a ride!

 

 

[Out_of_the_Blue]

Thanks, everyone. I know this isn't an earth-shattering matter, although it sure hurt a few years ago when the wife of my cycling neighbour stopped inviting me to neighbourhood get-togethers at their home. (My LH and I had been invited for years and I continued to be invited for several years after he died, until the 'bike incident'). I guess that's when I first learned how 'threatening' we widows are to some wives.

 

So I really don't want to do anything 'wrong' again. After our sport, we all go for beers in the lounge in the same venue. I realized it would look weird to leave with my friend. We do have a great connection and sometimes newbies think we're married, until I set them straight.

 

Probably the wisest thing to do is to drive myself this time even though part of me agrees with Portside in saying to hell with them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[SemperFidelis]

Every couple is different as far as what kind of interaction they find acceptable outside the marriage with the opposite sex. I know married couples who are super relaxed and others who have more clear guidelines they abide by. Every man and every woman is different.

I base my own interactions with married men on my impression of how the couple is operating....but if I do not have a clear sense of it then I err on the side of more distance than not. My goal is to be totally respectful to the woman half of their relationship. To me keeping distance from a married man is just common courtesy to their marriage.

 

Similarly.....I have a workplace event coming up and a couple people I get along well with at work offered to carpool. One male and one female. I have initially accepted the carpool plan but I am prepared to turn it down if the female backs out(and I might back out even if she doesn't). I feel like it's the respectful thing to do for the guy I am seeing. I'm of the attitude that if something could be perceived as something it's not, it's best to avoid it.

[StillWidowed]

I think it would be wise for you to drive yourself. Go with your gut. It's not something I'd feel comfortable with my husband doing (if I still had one). That's how those things start, completely innocently, especially if you already feel some chemistry with him.

 

I'm in complete agreement with this.  Drive yourself.  I've seen too many things start "innocently" and turn into something more where marriages are wrecked and children's lives are forever changed.

[Quixote]

Wow, guys, I'm actually shocked by some of these responses.  Is it different for single/widowed women?  I mean, if I couldn't hang out alone with married or in-serious-relationship women without their husbands/boyfriends around, I'd lose about a third of my friends (I'm into horses, it's a predominantly female world).

 

Maybe I just radiate harmless.  Or maybe there's a lot of men who are loading up buckshot as we speak.

[klim]

Quixote:  I'm with you ,It would not even have crossed my mind to ponder this.

 

Do people really flip out that much about opposite sex encounters of there spouses?

 

I did not know this , this thread is teaching me something because a number of people here did think this might be a problem.

 

I would be asking that  cycling buddy's wife...what's your problem . And I'd continue to cycle!

 

But that's me...I know who I am and would not enter into a questionable activity with a married man.

 

Cycling and carpooling are not questionable activities.

 

ok enough of my rant about are people really that jelealously paranoid....the bottom line is do what you feel comfortable with.

 

[Quixote]

Yeah, I guess "questionable activities" are in the eye of the beholder.  I did a three day horse haul from Texas to California with a married friend.  Her husband and are are friends, too, but more in the sense that I get invited over to their house for dinner periodically.  Even shared a hotel room once (separate beds!).

 

But that was coming back from a horse show that we'd competed in.  I imagine if I'd called her up and said "Hey, want to drive up the coast together?  I know some great wineries!", her husband might have been understandably less than thrilled.

[SemperFidelis]

Maybe I just radiate harmless.  Or maybe there's a lot of men who are loading up buckshot as we speak.

 

Lol, you got a good laugh and smile outta me :-)

 

[Mrskro]

I'm also in the minority here.  I'm with Klim and would be asking "what's the deal?" 

 

My son plays hockey, rubgy and football.  I'm one of only a couple moms that go to the games and tournaments.  If I didn't hang out with the dad's I'd be alone.    One of the dad's from last years team and I had a pint while waiting between games last week.  When I saw his wife this week, all she said was G said he saw you last week!  He was glad to catch up since the boys are on different teams this year.

 

I also inherited my DH's best friend when he died.  He stops by here at least once a week to watch whatever game is on. We have a night out about once a month.  I'm 99% sure his wife sends him over here so she doesn't have to watch hockey or football or baseball! 

 

I'm sorry you encountered a jealous wife, but IMO that's on her, not on you.  It hadn't crossed my mind that this should be an issue for grown adults.

[twin_mom]

While I agree it's on the wife, their reaction does effect you and I would drive myself. It's not worth the possible ramifications. But in full disclosure, I was a software engineer, a female in a male dominated world- while there were a couple of guys I'd drive in the car alone with, for the most part I always drove myself.

[TofinoMan]

Its just car pooling.

Take the ride.